The Light and the Dark
by TheDarkCorner
Summary: Severus Snape had only done wrong, until the very end. Yet he deserved a full life, a happy life, but most of all a life where there was no question of what was the dark and what was the light. He found himself in a place, so familiar, yet so different. He had so much to earn and so much more to work for. He needed Lily. He needed to change things. He would, or so he told himself.
1. Chapter I

I

Obsidian eyes stared into emerald. It was the end. Life seemed to escape Severus Snape, before he ever had a chance to live at all. He lived for one girl who died nearly seventeen years ago. Lying on his death bed, he only thought of her. It was all that was in his mind. Every moment of every day since their friendship burst into flames and turned itself into ashes, he thought of her. He lived, only to protect her son. If it weren't for her, he would never have done it. As the poison coursed through his veins he couldn't help, but let go.

It was a horrendous scene. Harry held Snape's face with his hand. It was too late to save him. All that was left was for Snape to die, and for Harry to see his memories. The blood poured from his neck wound and onto the floor of the Shrieking Shack. His body slowly went numb, but it wasn't fast enough. Through the numbness his emotions intensified, burning inside of him, like a fire that would burn brightly forever, no matter how much water you poured on it.

They say in death that your life flashes before your eyes. It was true. Images of Lily filled his mind. She was his life. After wanting to die for so long, he didn't want to let life escape him. It was selfish. He had lived for so long, perhaps even too long. He wanted to live longer, just another day. He wanted to be able to see that his efforts did not go to waste. But he couldn't ask for more, because his time had come overdue.

As he looked into Harry's eyes—no they were Lily's eyes—Harry had her eyes—he felt every ounce of regret that he had collected in his life. He had done everything wrong—everything, but saving Harry Potter. She lived on in him. He always knew he would die in the end for her. There was never a doubt in his mind. And now, through all the wrong he had done in his life, after he called Lily the word that ruined their friendship, after he pledged his soul to Lord Voldemort, after killing Lily and James Potter, after it all, he had done something right.

His body burned with poison, but through every ounce of agony he felt love more than anything else. He turned away from Harry slowly. His heart began to slow. He had seconds left, and maybe even a minute if he were to have a miracle. But no matter how much time he had left thousands of words and thoughts came into his mind all at once.

_ I'll see her again. I've waited my whole life to see her eyes, her beautiful eyes and her smile that could make any bitter, cold heart fill with warmth. She taught me how to love. She taught me how to live. She was my all. And despite everything— with all of the dunderheads in the world, I was the biggest one, because I left her. I betrayed her—not once, but several times. I deserve to die. I deserve to rot in hell for what I had done. _

_ I hadn't cried since the day I saw Lily on the floor, cold, lifeless and no longer able to shine light into my dark heart. I learned all too late of my mistakes. I let the illusion of power cloud my mind. I gave her up for it. Why? I asked myself that question every day. I hadn't the right answer. I gave everything up—for nothing. _

_ Lily, if I knew the prophecy was about your child I would never have uttered a word. You would have been alive and happy, even if you weren't with me. I tried to save you. But trying wasn't enough. I should have fought for you with every drop of life I had. I should have died that day instead of you. I should have had a plan. I was an idiot. No, I was more than that. I was just as evil and just as tainted as Voldemort. You were right to leave me. I never deserved you. Even in the end, how badly I wish to hold you in my arms, your heart still beating and your body still alive, bursting with the life you had. Seeing you lying of the floor, no longer able to smile, no longer to show me how to live made me feel dead. I was dead long before that day, but seeing you dead obliterated whatever was left. If I took matters in my own hands would you still be alive? I know you would be. I cannot turn back time. Magic is useless because of that. I would have given up everything if it meant you would have lived. _

_ In the end all I was left with were the memories of her which kept me alive for so many years. _

_ The day I met her by the lake was the best day of my life. She thought I was a fallen angel of sorts, come to rescue her from all the pain she went through for being different. But in truth, she had saved me that day. On that day I knew I loved her, there was no questioning it. _

_ We started going to Hogwarts two years later. We swore never to separate, even though we were in enemy houses. Those houses—Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Gryffindor are a tragedy. They only set walls up to separate, to create enemies and to make wars. Our pact didn't last long enough. The end of fifth year marked the end of our friendship. I should have told her how I felt. I should have fought harder for her. I should have never uttered that word. Power was weakness; the illusion of it even weaker. I was weak then, so weak that I was groveling on the floor, gasping for air and barely holding onto life, just as I was now. But now is different. Now, I had attempted to right my wrongs, but it isn't enough. Nothing would be enough to right my life. At least I did something right in the end. _

_ If life was seen as light and dark, I was undoubtedly the dark. I spent my whole life chasing after darkness, only sometimes would I chase after the light, until it was too late. In the end, I may have died for the light. But in the end, everyone would know that my supposed heroic actions were done only because my blackened views shifted slightly, but it was still enough to change. _

_ I had only caught glimpses of her since that day, until the day I saw her dead. It was too late to tell her that I loved her, too late to tell her I wanted to trade places and die instead, too late to have apologized and too late to get the one thing I ever wanted—her love. _

He breathed his last breathes. "Lily," he whispered, escaping his lips inaudibly. Finally, he had closed his eyes. He saw her once more as everything quickly began to end. As the final seconds passed the only thought in his mind was, _"I'll see you soon. I love you Lily. Always." _

He drifted off into an eternal bliss, never to wake again. He had nothing to live for anymore. His life was completed, pitifully, and, yet somehow valiantly. He loved her until the very end.

* * *

He awoke suddenly in a haze of green and white. The cool breeze of a lake danced on his skin. A bitter smell pleasantly filled the air. He remembered where he was. He hadn't been there in so long. Years had passed, and now, after he was sure he had died, he found himself at the spot where he had met Lily.

Suddenly his vision began to clear. Everything was exactly the way it was when he had met Lily. The same old willow tree stood near the lake as it had when they were small. The water, just as dirty as it was that day. The air, just as bitter as he had remembered it. The sky was the same shade of pale blue, with the clouds floating sparsely in the sky.

Everything was perfect, except she wasn't there. He sat down in front of the lake, clutching his knees to his chest. He hoped so much that she would come. Tears began to fall down his cheeks once more, memories spilling down his face. He deserved this. He truly did. It didn't matter. All he wanted was another glimpse of her, smiling, with her bright eyes gladly gazing upon him. Being so overtaken by emotion his body began to shake. Finally, after he had died he let himself truly feel the full extent of his emotions. What was it worth to die when he couldn't see her again? Life and death were the same to him. But then again, he had lived life half dead.

"She isn't coming," a familiar male voice said.

_Dumbledore, why has he come back now? I can't let him see me like this. He cannot be God. I will not stand for this. Death did not affect this man at all. _

"Severus, I know this isn't what you had expected. And I know you can barely stand my being here, but please bear with me."

_He can read minds too, splendid. _

"Severus, my boy, there is another way."

_Another way for what—for me to live my terrible life over again? Impossible. If you haven't noticed, life isn't fair. Nothing works out. Everything ends up a tragedy. Dumbledore, I have lived life listening to you. You were never right. For one right to happen thousands of things must go wrong. It took me my entire life to do something right. _

"Ah, but Severus, you couldn't be more mistaken. You see, you are no longer alive."

"I'm not a moron." Severus wanted him out of his sight. He had lived his entire life serving him, "for the greater good".

"I wasn't saying that," Dumbledore paused, as he created a troubled look on his face. "Severus, do you not want to see her again? I thought you loved her."

He shot him a look that said every word he needed to say, and even more. "I would do anything to catch a glimpse of her. But we both know that, that is impossible."

"Nothing is impossible." He had peaked Severus' interest. "You have lived your entire life for everyone, but you. You made so many mistakes. You killed so many bright, young minds. You did the unforgivable-"

_Stop! I do not need to be told that. Knowing how horribly worthless I was on its own, is enough. _

"But you deserve a second chance, more than anyone else," Dumbledore finished. Severus finally faced him. His eyes were full of pain and suffering, regret and remorse, but most of all hope. It was something he had lost long ago. And now, all of a sudden, it was there again.

Dumbledore looked the same as he did when he died. He had the same blue eyes, which penetrated your soul, finding the good in it. He had on the same clothing and hat. He never thought he would see this man again. But most of all he never thought he would see this man wanting so badly to help him. "I haven't seen that look on your face in years Severus. This is touching. I never thought I would be the one to provoke such a…rarity."

"Please…continue with what you were saying. I would do…anything to see her again."

Dumbledore smiled genuinely. His face was brimming with happiness. He had seen a side of Severus which he hadn't seen in years. "You would go back to the point in time where you could have changed your life. You will have a second chance to right all of your wrongs. But, before you say anything I must warn you. You may not like were you end up. I cannot say what point in time you shall awake, but I promise you that you will be horribly dissatisfied…in my opinion. Anything you change could end up being horribly wrong. I need you to keep that in mind. But anything you change also could end up terribly right. You will hold the key in Voldemort's destruction. If you go back, there is a strong possibility that you might completely change the future. But Severus, do it for good, not bad. Do not seek power. Do it for Lily."

For once in life Severus was speechless. He was completely appalled. What could he say? Yes—he would see Lily again, he could make everything right again, but what if she didn't want the same? What if his future would end up the same as his last? No—then he would have the knowledge that he could have done things differently eating away at his sanity. Would things be better if he let it be? He had to see her again. He must. He needs her. But would it all be a waste? Just one glimpse, just one look from afar—would it be worth it? Yes. No. Maybe. Would he do it for Lily? Definitely. Always.

"Yes. Always," he finally said, completely sure of himself.

"Do you understand what you are getting yourself into?"

He nodded. "I'll make everything right again," he paused thinking about what to say next. "For the greater good," he finally added, cringing slightly as he did so. It was so unlike himself.

Dumbledore nodded, "I have complete faith in you. I never stopped trusting you, Severus. I believe you can do the right thing. But no matter who believes it, you have to believe in yourself." He began walking away, leaving Severus meters behind.

_Where are you going? _

"No my boy, the question is: Where are you going?"

"Thank you," Severus said, with the most sincere of looks on his face. With his eyes full of hope, his heart heavy with remorse and his mind filled with a new a goal this new world began to fade. A shroud of black consumed him, until; finally, there was nothing left, but the sound of his once again beating heart.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	2. Chapter II

II

Severus awoke in a cold room filled with a bitter medicinal sent, which he had grown to love over the years. The scent reminded him of the times he made potions with Lily. A small smile appeared on his lips as he floated in his memory.

Suddenly his eyes flew open. He fell off his chair, crashing to the floor. Potions filled the room. A few cauldrons sat on a desk. Random potions ingredients were scattered across the room in the most disorganized fashion. He would never have kept the potions classroom like this. This was a monstrosity. And then it hit him, like a piano crashing to the ground from the top of a ten story building. Slughorn—it was his potions classroom. A thread of hope sewed itself into his heart.

He must have fallen asleep in the classroom. Slughorn always let his favorites "experiment" in the potions classroom. But Severus was the only one who ever experimented; the others used it as a place to snog. He remembered everything clearly. The memories of Hogwarts he had suppressed came back, throwing themselves at him. He was completely aware of everything, and, yet it all seemed otherworldly. It was so different to him.

He scanned the entire classroom. _Why is this so different? _Everything felt foreign to him, but somehow it was all too familiar. His hand began to pulsate; his heart heavily beat in his chest, his lungs filled with thick air. Something began to stir inside of him, something he couldn't quite name. No longer did he feel Nagini's poison firing through his veins. It was an odd feeling. Little did he know that the odd feeling was to live He curled his fingers as he lied on the wet floor of the potions classroom. He stared at the ceiling wondering what had just happened. Was it all a dream?

And then he suffered another blow from reminiscence. Words began to echo in his mind_. __"You would go back to the point in time where you could have changed your life. You will have a second chance to right all of your wrongs. But, before you say anything I must warn you. You may not like were you end up. I cannot say what point in time you shall awake, but I promise you that you will be horribly dissatisfied…in my opinion. Anything you change could end up being horribly wrong. I need you to keep that in mind. But anything you change, also, could end up terribly right. You will hold the key in Voldemort's destruction. If you go back, there is a strong possibility that you might completely change the future. But Severus, do it for good, not bad. Do not seek power. Do it for Lily."_

He was alive again. Dumbledore helped him. Dumbledore gave him a second chance. But why—he would ask himself. Why would Dumbledore, the man he always knew to be manipulative give him a second chance? It wasn't obvious to him at the moment. He could do everything over again. It was a terrible burden to have, oh but he wanted it so much, and now he had it. _Thank you, for everything. _He had a second chance, so it didn't matter if Dumbledore wanted to mettle with things. He wouldn't let him. He won't fall to his knees this time, and beg for a way to fix things.

Severus had to see Lily again—alive. He would never say that word again. He could make it as if it never happened. He ran out of the classroom. No one was in the halls. It was too early in the morning. He found himself walking to the Slytherin common room. He had to see Lily, but first he had to see if all of this was in fact, real. If it wasn't, he wouldn't know what to do. He couldn't kill himself if it wasn't.

He whispered the password. Somehow, he remembered it after all these years. Then again, Slughorn's passwords were always the names of alcoholic drinks. "Fire whiskey." He entered the dungeon swiftly, but quietly, very Slytherin like, trying not to wake anyone one up in the next room. He didn't bother to look at the room. It remained the same since he started Hogwarts up until his death.

He walked into the bathroom, silently shutting the door behind him. He stared into the mirror. It was unbelievable. It was almost too much. He looked younger—20 years younger. He wore his Hogwarts uniform again. His large nose was still hooked. His skin sickly pale, but smooth, no longer inhabited by the few wrinkles he had developed over the years. He was thinner. His hair was greasy looking, probably because he was experimenting the night before. The only thing that didn't remain the same was his eyes. They were filled with years of pain. "Unbelievable," he whispered under his breathe.

A calendar caught his eye. October 1st, 1977. His body filled with anger, disappointment, and dejection. It was too late. He had already said the word. Their friendship was already gone. He was in too deep. _"…I promise you that you will be horribly dissatisfied." _Dumbledore's words echoed in his mind. It was more than dissatisfaction. He was broken—completely shattered into millions of unsalvageable pieces. He was seventeen. Lily was already deeply in love with James. Severus was already considered a Death Eater in training, despite the fact that he never met the Dark Lord. He hadn't become a Death Eater until the day after Lily had gotten married. Everything was so wrong. Things were supposed to happen the right way. _Why, why does everything go wrong when it comes to me? _When he realized this, he felt as if a fifty pound weight crashed against his chest, cracking his ribs, rendering his lungs useless and smashing into his heart, until it could no longer bleed.

He couldn't take it anymore. He smashed the mirror with his fist, making large cracks up and down it. Seven years of bad luck was nothing. He had a whole life of bad luck. What did it matter? In a matter of minutes he destroyed the whole bathroom. His hands bled onto the floor and stained his clothing.

He threw the door open and walked out with a scowl on his face. Everyone in Slytherin was awake, and staring in awe at him. He didn't care. It didn't matter to him one bit. He sat down on the black leather couch, completely oblivious to the world around him. He stared at the floor, waiting, once again, to die. It was all real, all horribly real. He was a fool to believe everything would be right again.

The room was completely silent. Nobody knew what to say. The next few things that happened were inevitable, but nobody ever saw it coming. "Snape!" yelled an infuriated Avery. His cold, pale grey eyes bored into Severus. He took his hand out of his dark chocolate colored hair. He reached for his wand and pointed it at Snape. "What the hell have you done? You moron, what's upset you now? Did you see that filthy little Mudblood of yours with the Potter git? Unbelievable."

One thing had certainly changed. He was no longer a shy, quiet, defenseless boy. He knew how to make people quiver beneath him. Severus stood up, towering above him. "Avery, you insipid moron, you have no idea what a complete and utter idiot you are. You are a spineless coward. Don't you dare call her that! Your blood is of less worth than any muggle-born on the face of this planet. If you dare to say another word, I will shove your foot up your mouth, before you get a chance to hex me. One word and I swear you will have more to fear, than that precious Dark Lord of yours." Everybody was slightly trembling, not just because of fear, but because no one ever stood up to Avery—no one. They never saw him like this. Where had he gotten it from? Years of his hardening heart, made him cold, bitter and above everything, somebody to fear. Even as a student he still felt as if her were a Professor, but some things you cannot change.

"How dare you think you—"

"_Langlock,_" he thought, and suddenly Avery's tongue was stuck to the top of his mouth. "You are nothing, but a swine—a pig for slaughter." Snape threw Avery violently against the wall. Avery's head smashed against first, but he still remained conscious. "If any of you utter a word of what just happened… I will hang you, by your underwear… on the astronomy tower." Severus started walking toward the bathroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" Mulciber spat. He had forgotten how Mulciber had looked like, but it didn't come as a surprise to him. He had dark blonde hair, and amber colored eyes. Severus hadn't seen him since the last day of school. He had heard that Mulciber died a pitiful death, by Voldemort's hand.

"The shower." he muttered.

"In the bathroom…that you destroyed?

"You dunderheads aren't even capable of a simple reparo spell. I don't know how you made it to seventh year, much less passed the first," he sneered. Some of the third and fourth year girls snickered as Severus stepped into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He cast the reparo spell several times, until the room was back to its original state.

He stepped into the shower rather slowly. He showered in cold water, hoping that the ice cold water would make him forget. He took his time, hoping he wouldn't catch a cold after this. Slowly tears began to spill from his eyes as they mixed with the shower water. He began to pound his fist against the wall, making his bloody hand bleed even more. The blood dripped down slowly into the water. All he could feel was pain tearing away at him. "Why," he said over and over again. He wanted answers.

Dumbledore's words kept echoing in his mind. What's done was done. He couldn't change anything. It was too late. _"You would go back to the point in time where you could have changed your life. You will have a second chance to right all of your wrongs." _

He was willing to give up so easily. After all this time, would he give it all up again? No. _I have to fight for Lily. I will fight harder this time. I'll fix everything. Somehow, I will, I just…know. I have to piece our friendship together somehow. I have to do that first. I can't make her love me. I need her, even if it's only her friendship. I won't ask for more. I don't deserve more. _

"_You will hold the key in Voldemort's destruction."_ He almost forgot about Voldemort as he thought about Lily. While Voldemort was still alive he could take away Lily's life at any given moment. Severus wouldn't let that happen, not again.

_I'll tell Dumbledore. Somehow, he will have to believe me. I'm the only thing he's got that's of any use. I'll save him time. He trusted me once. He can trust me again. Once Voldemort is gone, I can live carefree. No, I'll never be able to live carefree. It's impossible. Carefree is for the light, not for the dark. My heart had turned dark long ago. Once Voldemort is gone, I can have Lily. _

Eventually Severus got out of the shower, wearing the same clothing he had worn before the shower—he would change later. He sat in the common room, alone, thinking about how to fix everything. If only a book could tell him how to do this. Books could tell you everything, everything, but what is the most important. It never had taken this long for Severus to form a plan, he was a quick thinker. But this was completely different. He couldn't make mistakes now. One mistake and everything would come crumbling down.

In the middle of his thoughts a lone figure appeared in the corner. Severus hadn't seen him in so long. He died, because he made even more mistakes than himself. He never thought he would see the day that the only other sane person, which became a Death Eater would breathe again. He was alive now. He stared at the boy, with the pale face, dark hair, and unmistakable deep blue eyes. Regulus Black was alive now. "Severus," he whispered. "Are you okay?"

_No. I'll never be "okay". What kind of question is that? My whole life I've never been "okay"._ "Yes, I'm fine Reg." _Merlin Reg, I never thought I would see you again. I'm not letting you die this time. You don't have to find out about the Horcruxes. I know about them now. You'll be safe. You'll live the life you deserve._

His goals just kept growing. How could one man handle all of this? It was impossible. No, nothing is impossible. He might need some help. He certainly intended to get it. He can't promise anything, but he will try, until it ends up as he did.

"Severus, despite that fact that you're the best liar in all of Hogwarts, possibly even on the whole planet, I know you're lying this time." _Reg, you don't know how right you are. _Severus didn't say anything. After a few moments of silence Reg opened his mouth. "You still have a chance. It isn't too late until one or the other is gone. You can still be with her." For a sixteen year old, Regulus was smart, smarter than he would ever give himself credit for.

"Thank you Reg." Severus knew that now, only if he knew it before. But the truth was he could never truly be with her. She was with Potter. He couldn't change that. I wouldn't take a miracle. It would take something even greater—something this world hadn't witnessed yet. The question was—just what would it take?

"It took you long enough!" Regulus announced proudly.

"Long enough for what?" Severus asked, confused.

"To realize you still had feeling for Evans, to realize that you can follow a different path, but most importantly realize that you could put Avery in his place." He was smiling. Severus hadn't seen him like this in his Hogwarts years. He only lived to be eighteen years old, but not this time. He'll save him. He'll keep him away from the Dark.

"Regulus, you have to promise me something."

"Sure, what?" he asked curiously.

"Don't join them. Don't. You don't know how much you will regret it."

"Severus—I don't—have you?"

"No. Just stay away from them. Stay far away from them."

"I can't promise anything," he said as he walked away.

Severus shook his head as he watched him walk away. _I'll make sure he doesn't join them. One way or another, he has to live. But for now I can only do one thing at a time. I can only save one person at time. This is going to be impossible. I'll do it somehow. With Lily, I'll do it with her. I'll do it all for her. _

The moment Regulus disappeared he formed a plan in his head. He knew how to do everything. It wasn't fool proof, nothing was, but it would work. Or at least, he hoped it would. But he had to see Lily first. He would beg if he had to. He would do it in front of everyone if need be. He would kneel at her feet, with James Potter watching him beg for forgiveness if it meant he could have her back. He would suffer the pain of a thousand shards of glass cutting through his skin. He would poison his being. He would give his soul to her. He would give his heart to her. No one, but Lily could have him. People could call him desperate, a fool, an idiot, but they arguably could call him a genius for that fact that it dawned upon him, before it was too late. People wouldn't know about his second chance, at least, not yet.

He had a chance. It was too late to never have said that word. It was too late to change that day. But it wasn't too late to fight for her. It would never be too late. He would fight, even if it killed him. He died once for her, and surely, he would die infinitely for her if it meant he could have her, just once. This time he would be on the side of light, not dark. This time he would do right, not wrong. This time he would do what he thinks is right, and not what anyone else tells him is.

This time everything will be _perfect_.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	3. Chapter III

III

Severus dressed in new clothing after Regulus fled from his side. Taking his time he wrapped his hand in bandages and gauze. Any neglect and he would hear from a teacher, if not Lily. He had to be presentable for Lily, although he knew that was near impossible. He was never 'good looking'. Nor was he the type to woo a girl just by having one of them catch a glimpse of him. It was something he would never understand. Even the thought of that happening made him shudder. It was absurd. True beauty lies within the heart; the eyes are a window to the heart. It is said that the face is a representation of the soul. Looking at himself, his soul would be considered completely barren, black to the core and colder than ice. Many people would tell him that it was true. There were a select few who could see past that. Only two people had seen him for what he really was. One of them could see him for who he was the instant she laid eyes on him, the other had known, but he would never had admitted it to himself, until he truly need him.

He used a drying spell on his hair and combed it carefully. He neglected his hair sometimes at that age, but that would change. He knew how to take care of himself properly now. No matter what he did his hair was a lost cause. It would always remain in curtains in front of his pallid face. Only if he could cut it…well he could, but it could very well be a terrible decision. When it came to his nose, it was unsalvageable. It had been broken four times, and he certainly wouldn't use a spell, potion, or even the muggle method of rhinoplasty to fix it. At one point he gave up. He wouldn't waste away in front of a mirror for the rest of his life. He had more important things to do.

Once again he walked through the corridors of Hogwarts. Strangely, he felt at home there, even though Hogwarts held some of his worst memories. He eyed the old, grey walls of the school as he walked further into its mysteries. Unlike most people he would walk through the abandoned Ravenclaw hallway to get through the school. He remembered it in full detail. The hallway was relatively clean, in acceptation for the green substance which had started growing on the walls. The floors were slightly slippery from the morning dew. There was no glass covering the windows. The breeze would make its way through the hall, causing him to shudder.

He winded his way through the castle, trying not to be seen or interrupted. He had one goal in mind, one that shall not be interrupted. He had taken his time walking through the castle. In spite of everything, he felt nostalgic. All too soon he found himself meters away from the Fat Lady's portrait. He had to stop and think for a moment. Could he even go through with it? It could go horribly wrong. He wasn't a headstrong Gryffindor. He had to analyze everything. He needed to have a plan for every second. He had to plan to expect failure, to court desire and to hope for success.

A short seventh year girl came out. Her chestnut colored hair and pale blue-grey eyes seemed familiar to him. Mary—Mary McDonald, it was her. She was a lively girl, but headstrong and idiotic. She was more like a Hufflepuff that happened to have Gryffindor qualities, which could overpower every fiber of her being in an instant. The one thing that separated her from being a Hufflepuff was her hatred for Slytherins. He despised her to a point that was almost inconceivable. In fact, he knew she filled Lily's head with prejudice when she was at her weakest. That was the true reason why he hated her. She had a small hand in ruining their friendship.

As she walked passed him he pulled her into his corner, he pulled him close to his body as she began to squirm in displeasure. Before she could scream, he casted, "Muffliato," to make sure no one could hear. "Snape!" she yelled. He put his finger against her lips trying to silence her. For a moment she paused in awe. He took it to his advantage.

"Where is Lily?" he asked calmly. He knew how to get what he wanted. He just had to suppress his temper for long enough.

He listed his finger slowly. _ What is he doing? _"Don't touch me," she hissed.

"Where is Lily?" he repeated.

"I won't tell you." She glared at him.

He smirked. "So she isn't in the common room, is she?" She starred wide eyed at him. _How does he know? If he was so sure that she wasn't in the common room why does he ask me such stupid questions? _She nodded. "Tell me where she is." He didn't need to ask anymore. He needed to demand.

She turned away from him in disgust. A slimy Slytherin should interact with snakes. He gripped her hand tighter so she wouldn't escape. "Snape what do you think you're doing? You know she will never talk to you. You don't even deserve it. You gave up fifth year. She gave up on you. Leave it be."

"I know," he whispered.

She turned back towards him. _Who knew the arrogant git would ever say that? _Sweat dripped down her forehead. _He's different now. He changed. He's still a git though. _"She left half an hour ago."

"Where?"

"I don't know. It's a Hogsmeade weekend. Maybe she's there. She didn't tell anyone." She was useless. Why did he ever think she could help him, that ignorant waste of time? He let go of her hands, and automatically she slapped him. "Don't ever touch me again!" she yelled, before leaving. The charm broke as soon as she left.

Severus stepped out of the corner, only to be spotted by 'the greatest joy of his life', the Fat Lady. "Snape!" she bellowed, "What do you think you're doing? What did you do with that sweet girl, Mary?" _A sweet girl? The Fat Lady had never faced her wrath. Gryffindors have a terrible judgment of character. It's why they put their faith in wrong person at the wrong time_

"I believe that is none of your concern, you insufferable—"

"Snape, don't you dare take that tone with me!" she yelled, cutting him off. He walked away sick of the portrait. There are thousands of moving, talking portraits and they had to choose her.

Luckily no one was in the halls, yet. He calmed down quickly, before continuing his search for Lily. He walked through the castle, hoping that she wasn't in Hogsmeade. He remembered distinctly that in seventh year the Marauders caused an incident which banned him from going to Hogsmeade until the beginning of December, along with detention up until the end of September.

He rushed through the dining hall. A few students sat at the tables, chewing cornbread and talking with their mouths full, only taking breaks to sip their pumpkin juice. While he was in the dining hall he quickly transfigured an old piece of yellowed parchment into a paper bag, and slid a few pieces of the bread into it, saving it for later.

Next he ran through the library, rather violently. He couldn't help, but stop at the potions section. Something had caught his eye. _Supposedly Forgotten Potions of the Wizarding World—mental note: come back to the library later and check that book out. _A dozen other books caught his eye too, but he hadn't the time to think about them. Lily wasn't in the library. He couldn't linger too long in there. The sooner he found Lily the sooner he could fix everything. Time was of the essence.

After searching every corner of the school he had access to he was completely exhausted. He was once again where he started, in the potions classroom, sitting on a chair, hoping he would find Lily soon. It was a good thing Slughorn never entered his classroom on a Saturday, especially when he could go to The Three Broomsticks and drink his life away. A pang of hunger hit him. He nibbled away at the cornbread as he thought about where Lily could be. Hogsmeade or Hagrid's where the only places left.

He abruptly stood up, letting the chair fall behind him and he raced out of the potions classroom to Hagrid's hut. For a thin, sickly looking man he sure could run. He stepped onto the grass, the wind blowing his long, sleek hair away from his face. As he got nearer he slowed down. He stood at the doorstep, panting, trying to catch his breath. He knocked on the door, hoping Hagrid would answer. He was greeted instantly. "Sev'rus it's good ter see yeh!" he exclaimed. "Come in, I've got some tea brewin'." Severus timidly nodded, before following him into his home. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

The cabin was filthy looking, but it was nothing compared to his house on Spinner's End, if he could even call it that. He had kept his pets' food next to his own. How he didn't mix the two up Severus would never know. It a small living space, but it was enough for Hagrid. The smell of pheasants hanging from the ceiling was something Severus had gotten used to. It was something he had always associated with Hagrid, and he would find comfort in it at times.

Hagrid set the tea pot on the table after pouring the tea in two small cups. Severus tapped his long, pale fingers impatiently. It was taking too long. He had to know where Lily was. He could talk to Hagrid later. Severus sighed quietly as Hagrid looked up at him.

"How are yeh Sev'rus?" Severus replied with a scowl. "I see…" Hagrid pushed a teacup towards him. "'Ere drink this." He learned that he could trust Hagrid. He wouldn't do anything to harm him. Though he would never say it, he considered Hagrid a friend. He hated himself for making the half-giant think badly of him, but things were different. Severus would never have a cheerful disposition, but at least he could be bearable around him.

"Thanks," he muttered as he lifted the teacup to his mouth. The tea felt good as it flowed down his dry throat. As he set the cup down he asked, "Hagrid, have you seen Lily lately?"

Hagrid's eyes bulged out a bit at the mentioning of Lily's name. He choked on his tea, and immediately started pounding on his chest. Hagrid was appalled that Severus would mention her name. It was something he had forbidden Hagrid from mentioning around him. They had severed their ties a long time ago, or at least that was what he knew. Letting out a deep breathe he said, "Yeh haven't mentioned 'er in so long." He continued to mumble something inconceivably. "She was 'ere this mornin'. Wanted ter 'elp me. She wen' off ter Hogsmeade after that."

As soon as he heard the word Hogsmeade, Severus' hands went numb. He dropped the ceramic cup, causing it to smash against the dirty floor. "Sorry," he blurted out, almost too quickly. He bent down, picking up the shattered pieces. He inferred a bit too far. She was with James. He couldn't do anything about that. If she truly loved him she wouldn't stop her. He just wanted Lily to be happy. More so, he wanted her to be happy with him.

"Yeh don' have to pick tha' up."

"It's okay. I'm _glad_ to help," he replied. After he picked up the pieces he quickly threw them away into the trash bin and sat down, trying not to waste time. "So, Hagrid, I see that you're doing… well." Hagrid nodded in agreement. He scanned the half-giant, wondering how time seemed to take its toll on people's appearances. His hair, of course, was still brown, but no longer tinted gray and his black eyes still had the cheerful disposition it had seventeen years from then. Not much had changed.

"Sev'rus, it's almost time fer lunch. Yeh best be goin'."

"I really can't eat anything right now." He lied. In truth, he was starving, despite the fact that he had cornbread an hour earlier. Teenage boy hormones affected him, despite all odds.

"Yeh really should. I don' wan' yeh dyin' of starvation," said Hagrid, with a lot of concern. He cared for the boy. He couldn't help, but pity him. To Hagrid it was odd to see such a thin boy. He was accustomed to the boys at Hogwarts, who were mostly healthy looking and strongly built.

"I'll sneak some food if I'm late." He had done this many times during his years at Hogwarts. The house elves didn't object either. The creatures had hearts larger than there entire bodies.

"Well… okay. But this is the only time I'm not tellin'." He began walking toward a large pot which was on the stove. He lifted the cover and a putrid smell started to encompass the room. It wafted over to Severus' nose, causing him to flinch in disgust. He couldn't gag in front of Hagrid, it would be rude.

"It smells…good," He wrinkled his nose.

"I taught meself ter make it. I can teach yeh if yeh want."

"No, it's fine really. I know how to cook…enough." He didn't lie. He hadn't made enough money to eat take away food on the weekends and the days over break. So he had learned from the old cookbooks in his dreadful house on Spinner's End. "Did Lily go with anyone?" he asked, trying to change the topic back to something of his interest.

"She said she was goin' ter meet up with' James." He looked at Severus, his eyebrow shooting up in curiosity. "Why da yeh keep askin' 'bout 'er?"

"No reason," he replied, almost believably. His theory was correct. She was with James. He knew where this was headed. In December James would propose, she would say she needs some time to think, and then, by the end of the school year she would shout from the stands during after Gryffindor wins the Quidditch cup, 'James, I'll marry you.' The crowd would roar as he takes her off on his broom, like the romantic he is. Severus shuddered at the memory. But remembering her happy made him happy, to a certain extent.

He sat back down, staring at Severus. _Why's he actin' like this? He stopped mentionin' Lils a long time ago. Maybe he's gotten some sense knocked inter 'im. Sev'rus is a smart boy, even if it took 'im this long to realize it. Maybe they'll make up in the… Oh that reminds me! _"Sev'rus I need yehr 'elp with somethin'."

"I'm not sure. What do you need help with?" he replied.

"I asked Dumbledore if he could let a few students 'elp me in the Forest. Said it was fine, long as I make sure none of yehs die. I only need two 'elpers. I know yeh don't like doin' this sort of thing, but I trust yah. What do yeh say Sev'rus?" Hagrid hoped that Severus would say yes. He didn't trust too many people to go into the forest with him. Severus had made some bad decisions in his life, but he was still trustworthy.

"I don't know. I'm not sure what precarious creatures lay in the forest. A manticore could devour me for all I know, and those centaurs idiotically wander around the forest looking for trouble. . . Besides, who's the other person that's going with you? I'm not sure if I can cope with being grouped together with some idiot. . ."He continued on muttering something about how an idiot could get him killed.

"Lily's goin' to be elpin' me. If yeh 'ave a problem with tha-"

His eyes lit up with the mentioning of Lily. "I'll help." he blurted out, almost too quickly, cutting Hagrid off. "She won't get me killed," he added softly.

_The boy defeinatly has feelins' for 'er. His eyes only light up that way when I say 'er name._ Hagrid smiled widely."Good. Now, yeh best be off. There's still time fer lunch." Severus nodded quickly and got up from the chair. "I need yeh ter meet me 'ere at eight. Don't be late." Surely, Severus would come half an hour early. He left the cottage and headed off into the dining hall.

* * *

Severus looked out of one of the tower windows. It was seven. The sun was setting. Bright oranges, purples and pinks mixed in with the bewilderingly pale blue sky beautifully. Clouds scarcely covered the sky. At the horizon two figures appeared, holding hands and laughing. They edged closer, until Severus could see them clearly. One figure, a woman, had curly dark red hair and the shockingly breathtaking green eyes. The other, a man, had messy black hair and hazel eyes. Lily and James were together, happily enjoying each other's company. It made him sick to his stomach.

Tears slowly began to spill from his eyes once again. Something about going back to the past made him emotional. Perhaps it was nostalgia, or melancholy, but it certainly hit Severus' heart almost as much as Lily had. His tears fell onto the ground far below him like raindrops. He wished he could see her smile because of him. He wanted to hold her in his arms and never let go of her. There were few times he wished he was James Potter, but this was one of them. He never considered Potter to be a great man, but any man who could acquire her love couldn't be terrible. But that had made Potter his sworn enemy for life. Maybe, life would have been better if he were born James Potter, and sorted into Gryffindor. It was a ludicrous wish—something completely absurd. He could never understand why she was so happy with him.

_ She's happy. I shouldn't interfere with it. But I want her. Temptation is truly terrible. Maybe it would have been better if I were born with ice for a heart and a blank book for a mind. Her happiness is all that matters. I should be happy for her. But why aren't I? _

_ That's a stupid question. Even my first year potions class could have answered it. I'm in love with her. I always will be. I just have to hold it in, like I have for the past twenty years. Maybe if I placed my heart in a vault in Gringotts I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. No, that wouldn't work. Emotions don't come from the heart, they come from the mind. Emotions are a chemical reaction in your body. Not even Occlumency could help me keep all my emotions at bay. At times I would break down, just as I did now. I don't know what to do. I'm helpless. _

_ The only thing left is for me is to hope… _The only problem was that he could lose all hope in an instant, and it would be gone forever, lost somewhere unreachable to him.

He turned away from the scene. He had to meet up with Hagrid soon. Then, he could make up with Lily. Then, maybe, he will finally be able to make up for something he never intended on happening.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	4. Chapter IV

IV

Severus walked toward Hagrid's cottage. He didn't see Lily anywhere. _Maybe, this was a trick. Hagrid might have caught on. No, Hagrid wouldn't abuse emotions like that. Maybe, she's running late. After all, she was never on time. _

The half-giant suddenly appeared in front of the house carrying bags, pots and a few other herbology related items. He hadn't given him any details about what they were to do in the Forbidden Forest, but Hagrid would never make them do anything dangerous. Seeing the Herbology tools automatically made Severus inclined to believe that they would be gathering ingredients, possibly for a potion of some sort. Luckily, he loved doing this kind of thing. After years of collecting potions ingredients, it was still fun for him. This was something exceptional, seeing that he considered very few things to be "fun".

"Ay, Sev'rus!" the half-giant greeted him cheerfully. "'Ave yah seen Lily?"

"I was about to ask you the same," he replied as he crossed his arms. "She has a tendency to let time just…slip away."

"She'll be 'ere soon then!" Severus nodded. "Good! I don' wan' it ter get too late, otherwise we won't finish." He was right. It wasn't good to stay in the forest too long. In the Wizarding world night is more dangerous than most people believe, especially when a war was being fought.

The long waiting period had begun. If Lily didn't show up in the next fifteen minutes he knew she forgot that she had somewhere to be, although, it was extremely unlikely. Slowly the minutes passed as the darkness began to engulf the outside world. Every sound had begun to annoy Severus. The music the birds made which took its form as genius, the sounds of two animals confessing their love for each other in the midst of the night and even the sounds of footsteps slowly, but mysteriously edging toward him from a distance all seemed to put him on edge.

He sat on a stump, taping his fingers on its bark. He didn't want to go into the forest without her. There was no reason for him to be Hagrid's "willful" servant at this hour. Everything about the night seemed to remind him about Lily. The way the night's light made the grass turn a dark shade of green reminded him of her eyes. The memories of the nights he spent with her, sneaking out of their dorms to go on some silly escapade they endeavored came back to him. He was frowning, but on the inside he was smiling widely, waiting for Lily to suddenly appear before him. _She'll be here soon._ He thought to himself, not all too clearly in the in his reminiscence.

Suddenly, he heard her beautiful voice rising above the air, floating to his ears; the singing tone intoxicating him, like a fine aged red wine. He hadn't heard her voice in nearly two decades. He longed to hear her voice for so long, and now he had heard it. He looked at her—seventeen years old and just as beautiful as he had remembered her, and possibly, if he could dare admit it, even more.

"Hello Hagrid, how are you this evening?" she asked, smiling happily at him. She hadn't noticed Severus yet. It was a good thing. He wanted to see her happy, not disappointed, or even furious beyond comprehension. Her smiling face, striking beauty and haunting green eyes had brought back every single memory he had suppressed. His eyes began to water, but he never let a single tear spill over his lower eyelids. His heart was drenched in melancholy, but at the core of it all was love, pure, untainted love. His love for her was perhaps the only thing which remained untainted in his entire being. _I love you._ The word screamed at him. He heard them so loudly in his dead that he almost screamed them out loud. But he kept his composure, trying to falsely relax himself for the time being.

He only heard the words she spoke. He blocked out every word Hagrid had uttered, until he mentioned his name. Suddenly apprehension filled him as he feared for Lily's reaction. "Lily, yeh can sit down. I need ta tell yeh two wha' yeh signed up fer." Hagrid said, in his normally cheerful voice.

"What do you mean by us two? I thought it was just me."

"Oh, I thought yeh saw Sev'rus over there," he said, pointing at the lanky boy siting on an old disheveled stump. The way Lily looked at him pained Severus. It was like a knife repeatedly stabbing his chest, but never killing him. Was it hate, pain, resent, lost love, or was it all of them combined? He wanted to look away, but something kept him from taking his eyes off of her. He almost wanted to walk up to her and fall to his knees, but it wasn't the time for it. "Go on, sit next ter im'," he said, winking at Severus.

She reluctantly walked toward him, scowling at him the best she could, though she really wasn't capable of it. _Even when she gives me that look she's absolutely breathtaking. _The teenage hormones started taking over for a moment. He wished he was an adult again, so he would no longer have to feel the teenage hormones torturing him. Oh, but what a feeling they were. He never thought he would feel that way again. She sat a meter away from, trying to keep her distance from him, but not enough to make Hagrid upset.

_ Why is he here? All of a sudden he decides to be Mr. Helpful. Merlin, I can't stand this. It's too much. Why did I sign up for this? If I had only known… No, I did this for Hagrid. I don't want Hagrid to work too hard, he deserves to be treated well, unlike, unlike…_ She couldn't say it.

_What would it be like now if we still had our friendship? What would it be like if you never said that word? Impossible. You would still be following the path you're on. I never had control over you. I was a fool to think it. I just can't help, but wonder where did the old Severus go? I still remember when we were young. The day I met you was the happiest day of my life. That day was the first day I truly didn't feel different any more. I fit in finally. I was a part of something. But now, all of that's gone. Was all of this a waste of time? No, of course not. It was fun while it lasted. Now, it's just something that used to be. _

_ He's far too pale. He isn't eating well. I hope he won't die of starvation. Maybe, I should secretly sneak food for him. I'll leave it anonymously. I hope he isn't starving himself, just to die, a slow painful death. I don't know him anymore. He could just let go of life at any given moment. I hope he's okay…_

_ I don't care for him anymore. It's passed. But why do I still worry about him? I have James. James isn't a Death Eater in training. James is good. Severus is bad. James is on the side of light. Severus is on the side of dark. Things are completely different. It's just black and white now. I love James. I hate Severus._

_ I wish I could hold my old friend in my arms and never let him go. _

_ I wish I could just forget him completely, and move on with my life. _Lily was confused. So many things had been left open, never to fully close for her. The past was too hard to let go of. She wanted to let go of it so badly, but a part of her would always remain attached to Severus in some way. There was a time where thought they would be together forever, but that had been broken too many times. Seeing him again, fully, not with just a glance made her heart swell with pain.

"I know it's unlike yeh two, ter 'elp me without knowin' what yer gettin' yerselves inter. And I thank ya fer yer bravery and such. So gettin' ter what yeh two will be doin fer me… The Headmaster said I could round up a couple of trustworthy students ter 'elp me in the Forest. I need yeh ter gather some of these plants," he instructed as he handed them the list. "I trust yeh two are smart enough ter gather 'em." The list didn't contain any hard to find ingredients. After all, the Forbidden Forest contained ninety percent of the known magical plants, and the other ten percent has yet to be found. "Yeh two 'al be searchin' fer those plants, while I search fer me list of potions ingredients and such." Lily was about to put up a fight, but Hagrid cut in before she could say anything against his plan. "I put yeh two together 'cause it's better fer one ter see the other don't get killed. Do yeh understand?" They both nodded. "Right. We better get a move on then."

Lily had not spoken a word to Severus as they had begun to enter the forest. He didn't expect her to. When the time would come, one or the other would get sick of the forest's insistent noise that they would end up blurting out whatever was on their minds. The group winded through the tall evergreen trees following no clear path. The forest had begun to swallow them, causing them to become an unwelcomed disturbance to its peace. For now they were safe. But in a matter of moments it could all change.

Thousands of thoughts infested Lily's and Severus' minds, while Hagrid seemed to have the absence of thought. He hummed happily as they walked through the forest. It was quite annoying to the other two, who were trying to focus on completely different goals. Severus: apologize to Lily and get her to see reason. Lily: Don't talk to Severus, unless he is about to die, which is unlikely to happen.

* * *

The soil was wet. A musky sent filled the air. The waning moon was above their heads, and the stars gazed upon them eagerly, as if something momentous was about to happen. The October night's air was cold, causing their fingers to shake. Grass sparsely covered the ground. Roots and twigs were abundant and easy to trip over. The sounds of wolves investigating the forest edged closer to them. Meanwhile, a lone nightingale had begun to sing a beautiful ballade. The forest was a beautifully dangerous place. It was intimidating, intriguing, breathtaking and unexpectedly, tranquil.

Each of them carried a lantern and a magical device—Severus and Lily had wands, while Hagrid had his ridiculously pink umbrella. At what seemed like the middle of the forest Hagrid stopped, and looked at the other two. 'We best separate now." There was no reply. He took that time to hand them a map of the forest. "We're 'ere," he said, pointing a place near the middle of the map. "In an hour we meet up back 'ere. After that we go back ter Hogwarts." They nodded. "Best of luck ter yehs."

"Thanks." Lily muttered. Hagrid branched off to the left, and Severus and Lily to the right. They intently searched the forest floor, looking for what they needed to get. The both saw the same belladonna plant, and reached for it, bumping into one another's head.

Severus let out a breath of air and sighed. He ripped the list in half horizontally. The plants were split equally between the two of them. "Here," he said, handing the list to her. "You take this half, and I'll take the other. We'll be done faster this way." She nodded. He hoped she would have said something—a simple okay maybe? He wasn't going to get anywhere by not talking to her. But if he forced her to talk to him, then they would take several steps back.

They picked, cut and harvested their various plants. It was growing a bit tedious, accounting for the fact that Hagrid had given them no gloves. The silence had driven Severus to insanity. It felt as if he were banging his head on the wall, waiting for it to smash open. Lily enjoyed the silence. She was overjoyed that he hadn't spoken much. He only said what was needed. She thought herself to be lucky. He finished gathering his half rather quickly, while Lily was only three quarters of the way through. Most of the plants grew next to each other now, so it wasn't a huge issue. He sat against a tree, watching Lily pick plants. He smiled.

In his peripheral vision he could see a group of centaurs rushing towards Lily. His heart rate began to increase, and adrenaline had begun to kick in. He sat up and rushed towards Lily, pushing her aside. A centaur ran over where she used to kneel. One trampled over his leg, causing him to horribly shriek. Lily had screamed loudly. It terrified him and worried him more than his injured leg. Was she hurt? _Please, let her be uninjured. Lily, just be okay. _

She starred at Severus, her eyes wide and filled with tears. She was in shock. _He saved me. Why? He injured himself for me. Why? I'm just a filthy—a—a—a filthy—Mudblood. Why would he save me? I'm not worth saving in his eyes. I'm nothing to him. So, why? _

"Snape," she whispered. "You saved me." He didn't know how to respond. He could make a snarky comment, but that would start them off on a bad foot. He could say you're welcome, but it could come of sarcastic. Anything that came out of his mouth could be taken the wrong way. So instead of saying anything, he just nodded. "You saved my life," she repeated it over and over. Lily couldn't believe it. Finally, after repeating it several dozen times, she finally said something different. "Why?"

_Because I love you. Because I cannot live life without you. Because I would rather die a thousand deaths than to see you die again. Because I would rather cut my heart out, than to live in a world without you. I've always loved you Lily. Always. Without you, I'm dead._ "I just had to," he broadly explained. There was something in her eyes he couldn't quite explain. It looked like confusion, but it was laced with something else—something he couldn't quite fathom. She was crying. Unlike himself, he lifted his hand to her face and he began to wipe her tears away. He longed to able to touch Lily. They were close to each other, but not close enough. What he would do to just kiss her right then and there on the forest floor at midnight. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. He shouldn't. It was only space, and the space between them could be so easily eliminated. The sheer want was enough for him to do it, but something inside his head told him not to. Sometimes, a conscience didn't know right from wrong, because a conscience has known no love.

"Severus," she whispered with the same hopefulness, and joy she had before. He imagined pressing his lips against hers, kissing her passionately, immersing them both in a fever of love. She hadn't called him by his first name in a long time. It was always Snape from the end of fifth year and on. To hear his name escape from her lips was to hear an angel sing from the heavens and bless your life eternally. All too soon she had moved away from him.

She examined his leg, trying to focus her thoughts. _He saved me. Is he really on the side of dark? Have things changed? Last time something like this happened he didn't care. Something is different about him now. It's like the old Severus came back for a moment. His eyes didn't seem so dead anymore. There was something in them. But what was it? _

_ We were so close to each other. He wiped my tears away. What if we had been closer? What if we had eliminated the space between us? What would it have been like if he had kissed me? _She blushed at the thought of it. She felt as if something that had died long ago came back to her fully alive. It abruptly flickered on like a candle's light, but suddenly blew itself out in the midst of its heat.

_ I love James. He's the only one I should kiss. I can't disrespect that. He's my boyfriend. After all, when Severus was gone he was always there to help me up when I fell down. I can't trust Severus. He's evil. He aspires to be a dark wizard. He searches for the weakness that is power. This was just a coincidence. It was just a reflex. He did it out of adrenaline and the pure logic. He never intended on this happening. I'm an idiot for thinking otherwise. I know him. No, I don't know him anymore. That's why I can't trust him. _

She put her complete attention on his leg. It was bruised badly, and bleeding. "You're hurt."

"It's nothing."

"What do you mean it's nothing? You broke your bloody leg!"

"At least you aren't dead," he said softly, in his deep smooth, velvety voice. Something was different about Severus, and not just the way he's behaving. Lily just couldn't quite figure out what it was. "I need to talk to you."

"Do you have any bandages or gauze?" He nodded. He learned a long time ago that Madame Pomfrey didn't have the time to tend to his many constant injuries. He took them out of his pocket and handed them to Lily. She took out her wand and casted Episkey on his leg. She covered some of the smaller cuts with bandages, but most of his lower leg was covered by gauze.

"Thanks," he murmured.

"It's no big deal. You saved my life after all."

"Lily I need to talk to you about something."

"No, Severus, we ended our friendship a long time ago."

"I know," he muttered sadly, his voice full of regret. "Lily, I'm not asking you to say anything to me. You can fight me. You can embarrass me. I don't care. All I ask for you is to listen, until I finish what I have to say; nothing more. The rest is up to you."

"I can't," she barely managed, without choking through tears.

"Please, I just need to talk to you. I won't hurt you. Meet me tomorrow at the astronomy tower around eight. We don't have the time now. If you don't like what I say you can push me off of it if you want to." _God knows I deserve it. _

"Okay." He was relieved that she agreed. Maybe, she felt as if she owed him. For now, everything was falling into place. "We have to go meet up with Hagrid. He's probably half way to our meeting spot by now." She helped Severus up. "Your leg is going to hurt for a while, but at least it isn't broken anymore." She helped him walk through the forest. It was an arduous task, even more so, because she wasn't fond of having to touch him in order to help hem limp through the forest.

Half way through the forest it struck Severus. They could apparate. This wasn't exactly his finest hour, seeing that it took him so long to find an easy way out. Without warning he apparated them both to Hagrid. The moment they flashed before Hagrid he felt a sharp pain erupt from his head. "You could have told me we were going to apparate! You should know it's dangerous for an injured person to apparate!" Lily was furious.

"Don't yeh hit Sev'rus. And what do yeh mean he's injured. What 'appened?"

"You were right Hagrid. If Severus didn't come along I would have been dead. He saved my life, but hurt his bloody leg."

"I'm fine really."

"Oh stop neglecting yourself!" Even when they weren't friends they acted like an old married couple.

"We better get to Hogwarts, before yeh two kill each other." Hagrid laughed.

They made their way toward Hogwarts. He had tomorrow to look forward to. He knew every word he would say to her. He knew he would tell her as much of the truth he could. He would tell her the rest when she was ready. He couldn't just tell her he was from the future or something like that. He would look insane.

* * *

Lily had gone to bed that night confused. But more than anything she felt hurt, because after all this time he had chosen to act differently. After everything that he had done to her, he had finally turned her world upside down once more. Things couldn't remain the way they were. She had finally gotten used to the way things were headed, and all of a sudden he changed it. She cried herself to sleep that night, though she could only sleep for an hour. The rest of the night she starred at the ceiling, remembering all of the good times she had with Severus. Where had it all gone to?

He went to sleep that night with a smile on his face. He was thankful no one could see it. In his dreams he dreamed of Lily. He always had her in his mind. He just wished that his dreams were reality, and that his nightmares didn't exist. In his dreams everything made sense. In his dreams everything was perfect.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	5. Chapter V

V

Noise began to fill Severus' ears and delicious smells began to waft to his nose as he limped toward the dining hall. He was late to dinner as always. He couldn't focus on food. He was too excited to eat. In two hours he would meet up with Lily, and somehow weave their friendship back together. As he entered the dining hall he caught a glimpse of Lily. He felt as if a smile crept onto his face, even though it was just his usual scowl.

He went over to his usual spot, away from anyone in Slytherin, and away from anyone else in the school. He wanted to be alone. Loneliness is better than being submerged by a sea of unwanted company. There were only two people in the school he wanted to sit next to. Lily, of course, was one of them, but right now she was too deeply infatuated with Potter that her presence would only unhinge the current "stability" between Potter and him. The other person was Regulus. He was like a little brother to Severus. He was never truly bad. He had fallen into the hands of the wrong person, only because he was fed the same lies Severus was. Regulus was nowhere to be found. So he only wanted to be alone, with a book, somewhere, where people wouldn't bother him, so he could disappear from this world, until the time came where he could talk to Lily—alone.

He ate his food and read his potions book, making further improvements to the inadequate thing. He would sometimes look up at the book to take a peek at Lily. She laughed and smiled with the Marauders, she would sometimes even touch James. It sickened him seeing her with Potter—even now, when he knew she was happy. She wasn't with her other friends. Come to think of it, she hung out with the Marauders the entire seventh year, and no one else, if memory served him right. Unlike Lily, he secluded himself from everyone. He was the exact opposite of Lily. He couldn't make people laugh or be happy. He had near to zero social skills. It was like he didn't exist at all. Not many people knew his name. They only referred to him as "Death Eater", "Snake", "Slimy Slytherin", "The Guy Who Never Gets His Huge Hooked Nose Out of a Book", or his _favorite_ names, "Snivellus", "Snivellus-Greasy", "Snivelly", and even "Snivell-puss". Not even his own house members called him by Severus, or Snape. There were only a select few her did so. He was just somebody who would eventually no longer walk these halls and be soon forgotten. He was so unlike Lily. But like magnets, positives and negatives always end up attracting. There was no way to avoid it.

Two people he had no intention of seeing, much less talking to, sat down next to him, causing him to be crushed between them. "Snape, what are you reading now?" asked Mulciber.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"We wanted to talk to you about yesterday," said Avery, probably, in order to remind Mindless-Mulciber.

"We never knew you had a back bone! All of Slytherin was completely taken-aback by you!"

"Mulciber that's not the point," Avery sneered. "The point is, Snape, you took charge, and tried to put us...into our place."

"Yeah, that's what I meant…"

"Nevertheless, do not do it again, or there will be consequences." Avery tried to warn Snape, but he was not as nearly as masterful at it as Severus was. "Anyway, I think you're ready."

"Ready for what exactly?" he asked, his voice full of aggravation.

"There's a meeting tomorrow. I think you're ready to meet him. After all, he needs your brilliant mind." This hadn't happened last time. He was able to go by unnoticed for quite some time last time.

"No Avery. I have lost interest in such…ludicrous organizations."

"Is it because of the Mudblood? She's nothing." Snape glared at him, his eyes full of malice. If eyes could kill someone, then his eyes would have surely have stopped Avery's heart. Avery had touched a nerve that was never meant to be touched, much less provoked. Nonetheless, he proceeded. "Look at her. She's with Potter. She hates you. She's moved on, and might I add, she took the wrong way. She's an idiot. You can do the right thing. Abandon her. Join the ranks. You could have power. You could bring stability to the government. But in order for you to do these things you must join the ranks. She isn't worth chasing after."

Severus had enough of Avery. He had only killed two people in life, and if Avery continued on he would end up the third. Severus stood up with complete composure. "Avery, Mulciber," he said looking at the both of them, "If the either of you think you can talk like that you are surely ready to throw yourselves at death. You two are more mindless than Gryffindors. I'm not someone to push around. If you keep prodding me I will punish you liberally. And if I may add, the pain will be immense. Speak a word against her and I will slit your throats. Ask me once more to meet your 'Dark Lord' and I will do the same. Avery, things have changed. You no longer hold the cards. I no longer care for your mundane punishments. They are nothing. Now, I must go on my way, and you two on yours," his tone of voice was more terrifying than the words he spoke. The words were silent, but precise. His voice was the voice you would here in your nightmares, threatening you, making you believe you were dying, and making you wish you would die faster. Avery stood up, ready to retort, and Mulciber soon followed, as if her were on the Imperious Curse. It was likely he was. Unfortunately, for them, Severus had made his way out of the dining hall too quickly.

He made his way to the library. It was the only place where nobody dared to bother him. He silently walked through the isles, looking for nothing in particular. He had a little more than an hour till he could talk to Lily. Time seemed to pass too slowly. For him seconds were like minutes, and minutes like hours. Many people wasted time lingering in the past, but for Severus, he threw away his moments by lingering in the future. He had to fix things. The idea had imprinted itself into his head long ago. He lived to fix things, as if he were a repair man trying to fix a broken down car. He would die if he couldn't.

He sat down in the middle of an isle and starred up at the ceiling, yet again wasting his precious time. He thought about what Avery said to him. He was wrong, and he always would be. Following that path only marked death for hundreds of innocent people. He wouldn't go through with it again. He was sure of it. He rolled up his left sleeve, starring at the pale, unmarked arm. _It's gone. The mark no long forsakes my skin. I'm no longer his slave. I don't have to hide it from Lily anymore. My arm is no longer tainted. No, I'm wrong. It is tainted. The memory of it haunts me. It's in my nightmares, and even my most pleasant dreams. It will always be there. I will always see it there, no matter how clean my skin. Only if I hadn't made that mistake the first time…_

He closed his eyes for a moment, envisioning Lily holding his left hand happily. They were at the lake on Spinner's End. They weren't kids, they were adults. They were laughing, having fun. They would lean in, slowly shortening the space between them, until their lips would touch, and a kiss would erupt with a fiery passion. It was perfect. It was what he yearned for most. Only if time could have stopped. Even if it where only for that moment, he would have been truly happy. He kept his eyes closed for a few moments, drifting further into his vision. If only life was sweeter, and death sugar coated, then he would have it all. Life seemed so simple when it wasn't reality.

* * *

Lily stared out of the window of her room. James was holding her in his arms, but all she could think of was Severus. He had saved her yesterday, and today she was going to talk to him. What did he want? Was it worth it to go to him? She didn't know. She had never been so lost in her life. What would happen if she didn't? She knew. He would find another way. He always had a plan. There was no way of avoiding the inevitable, you could only stall it.

"Severus," she whispered.

After a few seconds James reacted. "Did you say anything Lily?" It was good he didn't hear her well enough to understand.

"No nothing."

"Okay." He looked at her smiling. He kissed her on the lips fervently, but she couldn't kiss back. She pulled away. "Is anything wrong?"

"No." She felt as if she had a weight in her stomach and it only got heavier. Her heart heaved, and her stomach continuously churned. What had Severus done to her? Seeing him presumably care for her did something to her, something that had no name, and something that was unthinkable, unfathomable, truly like a work of fiction. It was surreal. It was something that wasn't written in novels, nor explained by science. It wasn't just one emotion. It was many, piling themselves into a pool of confusion; swirling together like a maelstrom.

"Lily-flower, we have some time before curfew. Do you want to go have some fun?"

"No, I have to go somewhere soon. Sorry." She couldn't look at James. If she would look at him, she would stare into his hazel eyes, and only think of what would happen tonight between Severus and her. Was it wrong to think about him? How couldn't she? They had so much between them. Maybe, tonight she could finally get some closure. Maybe, tonight he would say everything that she needed him to say, so she could finally let go. She could only hope, though hope wasn't much at all, because she knew that she would never be able to heal that wound.

It was too hard not to understand. It was too hard to try to understand. It was a contradiction in itself. Maybe, tonight things would make sense, like they did before the end of fifth year.

* * *

Severus sat on the edge of the astronomy tower. His head hung down, his hair draping over him. From a distance he looked like a corpse left there to decompose. He was so far from the ground. He could just fall and life would slip away, yet again. But there were three metal bars holding him up, ensuring his safety. It was something life never had. How easily it looked to let go, but in truth, he never could. In five minutes Lily would walk up to him and he would feel alive again.

The night sky was dotted with stars. The yellow tinted gray moon floated in the sky. The sky's color that night was different than usual. It was black, swirled with dark purples and deep blues, but the most astonishing thing was how a wisp of dark green seemed to entangle itself into the skyline. It made the sky mysterious, allusive and alluring. It was a truly beautiful night, even more beautiful than the last. There was no better night than this one to tell Lily.

Five minutes had passed and she wasn't there. He began to worry. Would she come? She didn't have a reason to. But he was sure. She never went back on her word. He was still worried—he couldn't help himself. He felt through his pockets and in them were stones. He took them out. They were like pearls; cream colored balls shimmering in the moonlight as he held them in the palm of his hand. He began to throw them into the sky as he grew impatient.

Lily appeared, wearing her usual Hogwarts uniform. He wasn't sure when she had gotten there, but he was sure it was not long ago. She didn't say a word. He looked at her eyes. They said every word he needed her to say. He couldn't stop looking at her. "Sit down," he said in barely a whisper. She did as he said. "You don't have to say a word to me. I just want you to listen. Wait until I'm finished. After that, everything is up to you." She nodded. She looked into his eyes, and he into hers. From afar it looked as if they were sharing an intimate moment, but to the both of them it was something more serious, and something more important. He gently stroked her hand, once, twice, before she pulled away. "Lily," he began.

"Don't," she choked out, she couldn't endure to hear her name from his lips. "Don't say my name." He didn't question it.

"I'm sorry about what I said last year. I'm sorry I cannot turn back time and change that day no matter how much I want to. I never meant to call you _that_. You were my best friend, my only friend, and I let you go, I betrayed you. I'm sorry. I know I can't fix that. I know nothing will make up for it. I just wanted you to know that it eats away at me. It's like I'm living a nightmare because of it…not that I was living in a dream before. That day was the worst day of my life. I wish it never happened." The words left his mouth unoccluded completely filled with emotion. He paused. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't breathe, and neither could she. Their hearts pounded at the truth. Their eyes began to fill with tears. The years of pent up hatred, resent, loneliness, unrequited love on Severus' part, disclosure on Lily's, and unspeakable emotions poured out of them at once. "I wish I never let it all go…" he said after his ability to speak returned.

"Why?" She swallowed loudly, trying to hold back everything she wanted to say to him.

_I love you._ He shook his head. "I can't say. I don't have words for it." This was the hardest thing he had ever done, harder than killing Dumbledore, and even harder than watching James' and Lily's child Harry grow up right before his eyes. The words he had planned to say to her, the conversation he planned to have with her was all gone, lost somewhere in the air, never to be found again. The worst part of it was he couldn't tell Lily the truth. He could patch up their friendship, but it would be sewn together by lies.

"Things can change. You haven't talked to me in a long time. I'm different now. I assure you I'm not the same person I was in fifth year. I have different goals. I'm choosing a different path. I just think it's important that you know that." That wasn't a lie, even though the broad truth was hiding something deeper behind it. He began to slide up his left sleeve. She gasped, as if she expected the Dark Mark to be imprinted on his arm. She was partially right. It used to be. When he fully rolled up his sleeve she could see his bare, unmarked, untainted beautiful skin. She touched his arm, sliding her finger down it, thankful that he hadn't made that choice. _He isn't a Death Eater. Thank Merlin. Maybe, he isn't lying. He's changed. But can I trust him after all this time? How do I know things won't take a thousand steps back? _

"I'm not a Death Eater. Nor do I have intention of becoming one. I'm not saying that I will save the world. I'm not saying that I will be on the side of light. All I can promise you is that I won't become one of them. I've had a change of heart—a permanent change of heart. I'm truly sorry about everything that I've done wrong. I just wish that there would be a way I could make it up to you. I should never have strayed in the first place. I can't promise you that I won't get off the path sometimes. It's hard to walk in one straight line. But I will try."

"Why? Why now?" Her heart pounded heavily inside of her. _He's saying all of the right words. _

He shook his head. "Sometimes words cannot explain everything. Maybe, one day I will be able to find the right reason and I'll tell you. But for now, I know that I won't go down that path again." She looked at her former best friend. _Is he trying to trick me? Is this a lie? Why couldn't he just completely let go of me? I don't know what to do anymore… I don't know if I can trust him now… _

"I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be left without you. I want your friendship. Without it, I know I'll never truly be forgiven. I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything from you. You are happy now. You are happy without me. No matter, I just needed you to know all of that. I can't tell you why, because I don't know. I just know that you deserve to know. I would have told you sooner if I could have." _If I could have, I wouldn't have ever done this in the first place. I shouldn't have been an idiot before. I abused what we had between us. I went back in time for you. I just hope it will all be worth it. I love you Lily. _"I want you to think about this. You don't have to if you don't want to. For now, all I ask for is forgiveness, but I won't be able to stop myself from asking for more. I'm sure I will be…tempted to." They were both crying, drenched in tears that stained their robes. The moonlight shined down on them. They could fully see each other's eyes. Years of pain filled both pairs. It was too hard to suppress their emotions. He took her hands into his, and with his thumbs he stroked the back of her hands. They were soft. She had small hands, but nonetheless they were beautiful. He looked at her, slightly smiling. "I just hope you can forgive me." It made her cry harder. He did the exact opposite of what he should have done, in Lily's opinion. He didn't close the unclosed doors, but rather opened them even more. Nothing would change the fact that he called her a Mudblood. She didn't know if she could forgive him for that, at least not now.

She got up and turned away. She couldn't look at her former friend anymore. It was too painful. He grabbed her gently, and spun her around to face him. His eyes captivated her. They were like tunnels which she could get lost in for the rest of time. They put her into a trance. He never spoke about how he felt, and now, he finally said something. He always spoke with his eyes. Anything he would say would always be cryptic. Even though he had poured his every thought into her, his eyes told more. They told such a more detailed story that she nearly collapsed in his arms. She felt her body slowly loose its strength. "Please," he begged her.

"I don't know…" her voice trailed off as turned away from him and walked away from the astronomy tower. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined this. Every part of her was screaming to say I forgive you, but still, she had so many reasons not to. He watched her as she walked away, her beautiful dark red hair flying behind her. _What did I say wrong? It doesn't matter. I tried. I'll try again. _He collapsed on the floor the moment she left the tower. He felt dead on the inside again.

Lily found an isolated corner in the tower. She stood against the wall, slowly letting go of the strength in her knees, until finally she collapsed on the ground. She remembered looking into his eyes, and seeing how different they were now. They were the same color, the same shape, but everything was different about them now.

Never in her life had she felt more lost. The words he said to her repeated in her mind. She was in a labyrinth, trying to escape the same thing she was trying to find. Her heart pounded so hard inside of her chest that she could hear it and it only grew louder. He had her hand on her chest, as she panted for air. She almost hyperventilated. She had never felt so many things at once. The room she was in began to spin. What had he done to her? His words were like a poison, quickly taking affect, but slowly consuming her, until it would finally take her away in one fatal moment.

_How can I trust him after all this time? How do I know he won't turn around and go back to what used to be? He could be lying. But why does every single word he says seem so sincere, so full of truth and so hard to ignore? He's something else, something truly unfathomable. He's Severus. I'll never be the one to understand him, or a single motive of his. Why is he going through with all of this? I don't know. I want answers. I can't say yes or no without them. He says he can't give me a reason. Then why tell me everything if he has none?_

_ What would James say about this? If Severus and I were friends again he would bully Severus to no end. Against all odds he might accept it. He knows I love him. If I show him then he wouldn't get jealous. This could work. But do I say yes or no? _

* * *

That night they both went to sleep with heavy, aching hearts, and an infinite number of thoughts in their heads. Their minds were like cauldrons, filled with all the wrong ingredients, waiting for success, or the one explosion that would mark failure. That night there was no definite yes or no. There were only maybes, haunting them in their dreams. Time would give them an answer, but sometimes time passes far too quickly, and far too suddenly that one day it would be too late.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	6. Chapter VI

VI

Over a week had passed since Severus spoke to Lily, and, yet it seemed like a year had passed. With every passing day he waited for a response. If she said no, he would fight harder. If she said yes, he would do something unimaginable, something many students would think would bring upon the end of the world.

It was dawn. He lied in his bed, sleeping peacefully and completely occluded. It was easier for him to sleep that way. It chased his nightmares away in the middle of the night, so he wouldn't wake; screaming in terror after dreaming of deaths and melancholy fates he had went through in his previous life. Tonight, regardless of the occlusion, he had dreamed. As he slept he stirred in his bed, sometimes smiling and something frowning. Often in his sleep he would cry and drench his pillow throughout the dream. It was quite unlike anything he had ever experienced.

_They were at the lake on Spinner's End, at the exact same place that they had first encountered each other. "Sev," Lily spoke, looking at him in the eyes, and he into hers. She had stopped calling him Sev a long time ago. He put his hand to her face and pushed aside her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She smiled. "I don't want to be your friend. I just can't be. It's impossible after everything we've been through."_ _The words were cold._

_ "But, Lils—" The expression on his face looked as broken as his heart. He had begun to shake as she took his hands into hers. _

_ "Sev, I need you to understand." _

_ "I can't Lily; you know I will never be able to, no matter how hard I try to." He wanted to scream out that he loved her since they were children. But he couldn't, because it wouldn't make a difference. She would never feel the same way. _

_ "I thought you were a genius."_

_ "Lily, what are you trying to say?"_

_ She smiled, and stared deeply into his eyes, trying to access his heart through them. "Sev, I wanted to tell you this for a long time now." _

_ "Tell me what?" he asked, forlorn. _

_ "Ever since fourth year things have been different between us. In fifth year when everything collapsed, I felt lost without you. James came to my rescue. He was like a hero to me—a real live superman. He fancied me, he always did, and then I started liking him back. Things went far, maybe even too far, but I was overjoyed at the time," she paused, clearly seeing that she had hurt Severus. It hurt her seeing him like this; in fact, it tore her heart to shreds. He had begun to tear up, and so did she. But she continued on. "But he was never you. No one could ever replace you, not even for a second. I still missed you. At times everything would spiral out of control and no one could help me. I wanted you to hold me in your arms and for you to say 'everything's going to be alright'. That feeling never stopped. At times it would be barely there, and at others it would weigh me down, until I finally lost all of my strength. I just can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I can't live without you, but Severus we could never be friends, not even for a moment. What I'm trying to say is I love you. I want to be with you." _

_ At that moment he kissed her on the lips passionately, pouring out all of his love into her. She kissed back with the same zeal. He put his arms around her waist, and she put her hands into his silky hair. He eliminated the space between them. There was no greater feeling in the world. Their love was otherworldly, almost heavenly. He nibbled the bottom of her lip and she eagerly accepted the offer. All too soon they both pulled away from each other, gasping for air. "I love you too, ever since we were ten years old. I' will always love you Lily. Always." They kissed again, and the world suddenly erupted in catastrophe, but they didn't notice. The world began to fade into darkness. First, Lily was consumed by light, until Severus was left, screaming for her. He started falling, further and further into the nothingness. She was gone forever. _

He awoke to someone shaking him awake. He sat up instantly, opening his mouth to scream, but nothing came out. He was sweating, and in a fever like trance, convinced he wasn't in his bedroom. He was panting. He tried to jump out of bed, but someone restrained him. He was held down by several people. "Severus, don't worry it was just a nightmare! Calm down Severus!" He relaxed at hearing Regulus' voice. It wasn't real. Lily wasn't gone. "Everyone wait out in the hall. I have to talk to him alone. Thank you." They left at his order, leaving the two Slytherin boys in the cold bedroom alone. He looked up at the stone ceiling as Regulus spoke to him. "Severus are you okay? You haven't had a nightmare in so long. This was…unusual."

"I'm fine. After, all it was just a nightmare," he stated blandly. But it wasn't just any nightmare to him. The nightmare was like a fairy tale at first, if it had only stayed that way he would never have awoken.

"Okay, that's good. At least you don't think you're in that nightmare anymore. Anyway, it was good that we got you to wake you up. We would have in a few minutes anyway. It's getting late."

"What time is it?" He was not one to sleep in. He would usually wake up at six, but never after seven. He couldn't sleep longer than that. He had suffered from insomnia for over a decade.

"It's five. We have to get going to the quidditch pitch. You didn't forget did you? You agreed to this a few weeks ago. You know how much we need to find new players!"

_Did this even happen last time? Of course it did. I must not have made it last time, so I had forgotten. It doesn't matter. I despise the sport. Sweaty pigs, flying on brooms, hitting balls with clubs like primitive barbarians, and two people chasing after some flying ball for points—what kind of game is that? It's idiotic. _"I can't…"

"Severus, you promised! Come on, you might like it! You might even be good at it. You will never know until you try. This is harmless. Please Severus?"

"Fine, I'll try out. But I guarantee that I will me horrible at the sport. I'll probably end up falling off the broom. If I get hurt in any way I'm holding you accountable. Do you understand?"

"That's the spirit! Now come on, we can't waste any more time. We lost three players last month, including the seeker, to their mischief. We have to make up for it. You never know who's got some hidden talent!" Severus envied his cheerful disposition. He wished he could have that, but darkness had consumed him long ago, to a certain point where he could never truly feel the full extent of happiness.

He dragged Severus out of bed, and left him in the room to change. Before he could fully process anything he ended up on the quidditch pitch. He was fully uniformed along with the other Slytherins. He looked ridiculous. He frowned in disgust. Looking around him, he noticed that everyone looked ridiculous. _How fitting. _

"Alright everybody, I'm glad you showed up!" Regulus shouted. Only on the quidditch pitch was he in complete control. He had a certain leadership quality that many people couldn't match. "This time around tryouts are going to be a bit different. I've decided that we'll be taking the Gryffindor-route of things this year." Everyone but Severus sighed in disappointment. "Anyone care to do that again and I'll make sure you never get on the field. Now, I'm going to divide you into two teams. From there on we'll play several games and I'll access your strengths and weaknesses. We only need three players, so this is going to be tough. After that, I'll decide who's backup. Now the three players we need are a Seeker, a Keeper and a beater. I'm a chaser. So if any of you thought you would be getting the position, you're sorely mistaken."

After dividing them into two groups, everyone got on their brooms and started the game, without any explanation. It was a good thing that during his first year as a teacher he had learned the rules of the game. In the first game Severus played as a beater. To put it lightly, a brain dead paralyzed troll would have been a better beater. The next game he was moved to the keeper position. He was better at it than being a beater. He didn't like it much though. It got a bit boring to him after a long while. Two games later he finally got to the seeker position.

He stayed still for most of the game. He analyzed the field carefully, trying to see if he could catch a glimpse of it. Twenty minutes passed and he saw nothing. He closed his eyes and began to listen to the world around him. The loudest sounds were of the game going on, the next loudest the birds singing in the morning and finally he heard a pestering buzzing sound somewhere behind the stands. The buzzing drew closer to him. Finally, after so much time had passed he found it. He raced toward it, flying as fast as he could on the broom. A bludger hit him just before he got a meter away from it. He started to fall, but quickly got back into the air.

He had lost sight of the snitch. Once again, it was a waiting game, but it was one he enjoyed. The seeker position was perfect for him. He was analytical, swift, a good thinker and above all he wasn't one who gets distracted easily. The snitch was beneath him, low on the ground, almost impossible to catch. He flew as close as to the ground as he could. The other seeker tailed him. The other seeker had a fast broom, but he was careless. Then again, Avery was one to be that way. "Hello, Snape," he said as he passed him to get to the snitch.

Snape sped up, catching up with Avery. It was a heated battle. Never once in his life did Severus think he would ever have any interest in quidditch, but playing as a seeker sparked something inside of him. Avery pushed him aside and Severus tumbled once near the ground. He caught his balance and then flew directly beneath Avery. Avery reached for the snitch first, but then, Severus used his lightning fast reflexes and grabbed the snitch. He crashed to the ground holding the snitch to his chest. The game was over.

He held the snitch up in the air as he lied on the cold, dew filled grass. He stayed there, too tired to get up and too caught up in the fact that he gotten through the whole try out process without killing himself. He let the snitch fly out of his hand once more as exhaustion began to take over his body. He felt somewhat proud of himself, though he hated the sport; at least he had accomplished something.

Regulus rushed over to Severus. He bent down and examined him. "Severus, are you okay? Say something." He said nothing. "Oh, Merlin, I killed him!"

"Regulus," he wheezed, "there are only two bigger idiots than you…"

"Okay, now say an insult about anyone, but me."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

"The only prat who could ever love their hair more than Potter would be the cursed woman that gave birth to that vile child."

Regulus laughed uncontrollably. He choked on his laughter, pounding on his chest. He gasped for air. The fact the laughter could kill made Severus shudder. "I'm glad that you're okay Severus." He helped him get up. He lifted up his arm and shouted, "This man right here is our new Seeker." Everyone but Avery cheered. It was a completely strange moment for Severus. Not once in his life had a group of people cheered for him. Was he really good? He doubted it. Was he better than the rest of the inadequately skilled Slytherins? It was impossible. But he somehow had been made Seeker. It didn't matter much to him; although, he didn't mind it. He liked the way it kept him on his toes, and the way he had to analyze every aspect of the field, before getting into the real action. He wouldn't disagree, yet, at least not in front of them.

Regulus began to announce the other people who made the cut, but Severus didn't care. He walked away, hoping no one would stop him. Quidditch was just another way to waste his time. He had never participated in anything classified as "fun". Maybe, when he could talk to Regulus alone later on in the day he could get out of it. After all, Slytherins are sly, some more so than others.

He walked the halls to the Slytherin corridor alone once again, like the day he had arrived back in this time period. Could he even call this time travel? He had come back to life. It was definitely a second chance, but what could he call it? He would decide later. When the time comes to explain this to someone he would know how to call it.

* * *

He walked to Slughorn's potions classroom. He had class today. As he inched toward the door he noticed Lily talking to Dumbledore. _Is she already a member of the Order? I would have kept her feet from getting wet in it if I could have. I just hope she isn't neck deep in those dangerous waters._ They were having some private conversation he couldn't overhear. He could only guess.

A pale green light flashed before his eyes and he remember the words Dumbledore had said to him. He had completely forgotten about some of his goals. He was wasting his time. He has to talk to Dumbledore. He has to be friends with Lily again. He has to save Regulus. He has to defeat Lord Voldemort. But how could you do all of this when you had an education to worry about? He had already arrived back in time too late. Why couldn't he have arrived on the day of graduation? Luck was something he never possessed. He just kept standing at the doorway, completely overcome by the epiphany. He had to use his time wisely. He couldn't wait much longer. He has to talk to Dumbledore while he waits for Lily. It is the only way.

He slowly walked in the classroom sitting in the seat closest to the back of the room. He never liked sitting up front where Slughorn could keep on praising him. Lily always said that Slughorn never gave him enough credit, but in truth he liked things to be kept in secrecy. It was the way he always was and will be. The problem was that he couldn't keep all his secrets, because the last time he had done that catastrophe struck.

As he stirred his potion he had decided that he would talk to Lily again in a week if she wouldn't come to him with an answer. By the end of the year he has to have Lily back. _By the end of the year I will have her back. I won't force her, but I know her. Or at least, I do, if she hasn't changed too much. If she believes I stopped lingering in the darkness she won't be able to completely ignore it much longer. _One thing hadn't changed about Severus. He would always be a Slytherin, no matter how much Gryffindor lied within him.

After class he spotted Reg walking in the halls. Luckily he was walking toward him. "Severus, why did you run off like that earlier?"

"Trivial things like that do not interest me."

Regulus sighed. "We have Quidditch practice tomorrow morning, at the same time. Just please come. We have to beat Gryffindor next week or we won't win the cup." He nodded. It didn't matter if he won the cup or not. To him this whole thing was ridiculous.

"Listen Reg, I have to talk to you about something important."

"I'll meet you in the common room in five."

"Okay."

They faced each other in the green tinted room. One sat on a black velvet couch and the other on a stool. For a long while silence engulfed them. He couldn't just tell him. He had to do it in a convincing way. Finally someone snapped. "Is this about quidditch?"

"Not everything is about quidditch."

"You don't want to be on the team do you? You can't quit I won't let you. You're the best Seeker I've seen since I started Hogwarts! Just stay on the team and give it a try. Please Severus do it for me." His tone was angry, yet pleading.

"Reg, this isn't about quidditch! I'll tell you what I think about that later!"

"No tell me now." _He is impossible. _

"Okay, I don't want to be on the team. It's a waste of time. I have much better things to do."

"Yeah, like sit in your bat cave all day…" He crossed his arms. Severus stood up and hit his head with a book.

"Look, there are more important things in life. I need you talk to you about—"

"No, we are talking about quidditch now." Regulus was just as immature as has brother. Who knew he could be so quidditch obsessed?

"I'll come to practice tomorrow, but I don't guarantee anything after that. We'll talk about this tomorrow. Disagree with me and…" he was about to say "I'll have you serve detention with me gutting fish for potions. I'm taking away ten points for you cheek," but he stopped himself right in his tracks. "…and I won't show up for practice," he finally said.

"Okay."

"Good, now for the more important matter at hand." He gave him a look that said, 'nothing is more important than quidditch'. "Reg, I cannot let you succumb to them anymore. You do not know how you are endangering your life. One false move and you'll be gone forever. I cannot allow that to happen!"

"What about you? At one time you wanted the same thing. What has changed? People don't change in an instant. Just two weeks ago you were talking about how you couldn't wait to join the ranks, and now this? Do you think I'm not good enough? What is it? Tell me!"

"You have it completely wrong. I think you are _too_ good. You are not one who should be placed with those idiotic brutes. You don't know what their real goals are. If you knew you would greatly regret ever wanting to be a part of their ranks. I changed because I finally opened my eyes to see what was really going on. The words they say about how they will change the government, about how they will bring this world to order, all of it is trash! They have no aspirations to do so. Their ambitions are far worse, and far more ludicrous than you could ever imagine!"

"I can't believe you Severus. I thought you were one of the few who would understand. I don't know you anymore. I don't like the way you are right now. You're trying to keep me from achieving my best. You used to support me." He couldn't believe the words that came out of his mouth. They were the same words he had told Lily a few days, before the incident. It was astounding how lies could really do that to a person. It was incomprehensible how one person could hold them so close and hope for those lies to be true. He saw himself at that age as he looked at Regulus. If he weren't occluded he would surely have collapsed. But all Severus could do was grip the edges of his stool and hope for Reg to say he has changed his mind.

"Please Reg; I need you to listen to me. I need you to consider what I'm saying. There are two sides to every story, and you have to find out which is the right one. I can assure you, the things they say aren't. Please—" His voice was airy.

"You were like a big brother to me before." He said, before he left Severus in the room, alone once again. Severus always ended up alone in the end.

_I was like a big brother to you. If I really was then why don't you listen to a word I say? If I was then how can you turn away so quickly when I'm giving you my hand, so I can drag you out? I won't let you sink any further. You should already know that. I'm doing this to protect you, not to spite you. _

He sat there in awe. Was Reg really a lost cause? He had no way of finding out until he takes the Dark Mark. _I'll try again. But that is all I'm doing. I'm trying—not accomplishing anything. Dumbledore once said, 'Do or do not. There is no try.' Every word out of that old man's mouth is not a waste after all. I'll do something, even if it's microscopic in worth. I'll break through that barrier like Lily broke through mine, but all too late. _Fate had already set itself in stone as Severus had put his goals in mind. The one thing about fate is that not many people can change things, because they don't believe that they can.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	7. Chapter VII

VII

The next morning Severus stood at the quidditch pitch waiting for his unpleasant teammates to arrive. To his surprise none them were more than a minute late. Usually they would be half an hour late. Maybe they finally found a reason not to be? Regulus stood next to him, no doubt still angry at Severus because of the words he had spoken yesterday. But Severus knew that he would never show his anger out on the field. He cared too much about quidditch to do something like that. "We all know how important it is to beat Gryffindor. But I have to admit they have some good players on their team. You would be a fool not to."

"Yeah, but they're still not as good as us," Mulciber stated.

"Oh really, then why do they keep beating us?" Severus asked in such an aggravated tone that even Mulciber could notice. Mulciber turned red. "No matter, just listen to what Reg has to say. He knows how to conduct this better than I do."

"Our biggest problem is their chaser right now. We solved our problem with the seeker by gaining Severus."

"What are you talking about? Potter is a terrible chaser!" A Slytherin girl shouted. Slytherins always hated admitting someone is better than them. It's a stereotyped nature.

"He is a great chaser. Our keeper great too. Timing is the only problem," he said, trying not to provoke a battle. "If we can find a way to get through Potter we'll be able to win the games. Now I know the games are about catching the snitch, but Potter is the one who orders his team around. The only reason he does this is because he lets the victories get to his head. If we diminish that the team will be weakened. But the problem is I have no idea how to do that."

It was quite obvious actually. But only one person in the whole group could ever think of a plan like Severus had stirring up inside him. After everyone looked around to see if anyone had the slightest idea of what to do, he finally spoke up. "You dunderheaded masochists are complete idiots. It's simple to get through Potter. You never open your eyes, nor use your minds!" He sat on the ground and took out a black paged book and an ink filled quill from his coat pocket.

"Severus you aren't supposed to keep books in your pocket while playing quidditch." Regulus said.

He ignored him. "Everyone sit down around me." His teammates were like student and he the teacher. He felt like a potions professor again. It was a terribly great feeling. Some things just cannot be extinguished. He began to draw the quidditch pitch on the field. There were three goals on each side and he used the center fold of the book to represent the divided sides. "These are the stands," he said pointing to the rectangles he drew that were scattered across the edge of the paper. "Potter is on the right side of the field. And McKinnon you're on the left."

"Yes we all know that."

"Interrupt me once more and we will keep losing the matches against Gryffindor." No one spoke out of turn. "Now these circles are the beaters. The ones filled in are on our side. The S is the Slytherin seeker and the G is Gryffindor's. The chasers are the stars. Again, the ones filled in are ours. Is that clear to everyone?" They all nodded, including Mulciber. _At least they aren't completely brain dead. _"Good, now as well all know Potter's one true love is his hair. He's quick so many people don't notice him messing with his hair in the games. I doubt that you have ever seen him touch it during them. Also, he keeps his eyes on the seeker as soon as he sees the snitch." He drew a snitch on the piece of paper. He drew a line from Potter to the snitch. "Those are two moments when you can get the quaffle, before him. Potter may be good, but he is careless." He colored in the right side of the paper next to Potter. "Potter is left handed. Anything to hurt his left side will weaken his playing abilities. As for the chasers, if you pull stunts at the right moment, when there is seemingly minimal action in the games Potter will get distracted." He wrote the word 'stunt' next to the Slytherin chasers. "Reg, you have a perfect example from your brother. I suggest you use some of them during the games. "

"Okay, I'll be sure to do so."

"McKinnon, this is important, so I implore you to listen. Potter is fond of showing off every time he catches the quaffle. If you ever took the time to show off when you block he will start showing off even more, thus reducing his performance on the field." He nodded as Severus wrote 'show off' next to McKinnon.

"Now, this is something I'm surprised you haven't come up with yet. If you knock off Potter's glasses he won't be able to see a thing. Do that and I'm sure you could score ten times before he could ever find he glasses." He drew a pair of glasses falling away from Potter. "Lastly, the beaters need to hit the bludgers toward Potter, but you need to barely miss him. If you hit him the Gryffindor team will fight back. This game isn't about foul play. Foul play won't get you anywhere in this game. If you cheat you lose." He drew bludgers and drew an arrow the led to the area just next to Potter.

"Everyone has weaknesses. You just have to find them. Now, we cannot form patterns, nor can we use all of these in a single game. Not all Gryffindors are idiots. They will notice, and they will use it against us. We have to do this using skill." Every word he said appeared on the back of the pages. Using a multiplying spell he copied the pages of the book and handed them to everyone. "This is for those of you who forget. I can't guarantee that this will help, but it's worth a try." His Slytherins had always come to him, asking him for advice on how to play the game. Somehow, they had gotten the idea that he knew something about it. Luckily after years of instructing them he had developed a sense for the game.

"Severus, you should have joined the team ages ago." Reg said, clearly not mad at him anymore. With that said they began to practice. It had gone well, even though Severus had shouted insults at his teammates for their lack of skills. He had helped Slytherin win the cup twelve years in a row when he was the teacher. When Malfoy made the team the streak was as good as gone. But he knew winning didn't matter, not once was it worth it. You can win games, win trophies and win war, but it never got you anywhere. Soon, everyone would forget what you had done, and it wouldn't matter anymore. But he knew if he didn't tell them how to win, then there would be a group of Slytherins pestering him for some plan, until he finally would have an ocean of words flow out of his mouth.

After practice he got off his broom and stumbled onto the ground. He was not one for flying on a broom. Why use a broom when you can simply fly without one? His thoughts were interrupted by Reg. "Everybody. This was our only practice time we had before the game. I apologize to the new players. I think we might have a shot, thanks to Severus. For now, I need you all to dream about quidditch. Then maybe, we will be one step closer to winning the cup! You can all leave, except for Severus."

They two waited until everyone was farther than an earshot away. "Severus, I thought about what you said yesterday." He raised an eyebrow. "I can't change without a reason. Severus, I know you may not like it, but I'm going to do what I think is the right thing."

"No Reg, you don't know what you're falling into. By the time you figure out what is wrong and what is right it will be too late. This isn't a game of quidditch. If you mess up you don't have a second chance. You're throwing your life away."

"How can you know? You said you aren't a Death Eater." Severus couldn't reply. He knew all too well what price you pay for becoming one, but that happened in the future, before his second change. How could he possibly explain?

"You just have to trust me. I know more than you think I do. Reg, before you do anything rash, I need you to think about what you think, instead of what someone else thinks. I won't be able to look out for you once you're in too deep. Once that happens, no one can help you."

Reg nodded. "I can't promise anything."

"I know." He said it, but he knew it meant Regulus would consider not joining the Death Eaters. Regulus was smart; he just never believed it enough. For now, the only thing both of them could do is wait and see what will happen in the near future.

"Don't be late for the game."

"You shouldn't worry about that." Reg walked away, leaving Severus out on the quidditch pitch. As he starred at the field he thought of Lily and Potter. They were both on the Gryffindor quidditch team. What will happen when they see him as the new seeker? This won't be good. Luckily, Lily wasn't the seeker.

_After the game I'll talk to her. Hopefully we don't win so she will be in a good mood. _

* * *

The stands were filled with students and professors. The teams walked out with their brooms in hand and a plan in their minds. As Severus mounted his broom he saw Lily. Even in her ridiculous outfit she looked absolutely beautiful. Lily caught sight of him and as everyone began to rise into the air. She nearly fell off. _What is he doing on the quidditch team? He hates quidditch. Things are getting stranger every day. . . _

Severus wore a gold and crimson colored bracelet, with a doe charm hanging on its strap on his wrist, hidden beneath his quidditch robes. After OWL's he had planned to give it to Lily, but things hadn't gone that way. He had worn it every day since then. It was a nostalgic pleasure for him. He used it as a good luck charm. It had never changed his luck, but he kept wearing it, because it reminded him of Lily after she was gone. It helped ease the pain sometimes. Despite the fact that she was back now, he could never take it off.

Professor McGonagall was referee. "I want a clean game today. Anything suspicious will automatically cause points to be taken away. With that said the game can begin!" She threw the quaffles into the air and the game began. Severus watched his team, to see if they were following his instructions. For now, everything was going well.

A beater threw a bludger toward Potter, while he messed with his hair. It had just barely missed him. As the game progressed Slytherin had shattered Gryffindor's score completely. The bludgers did a great job of distracting the opposing team's players. Mulciber finally had a purpose. For every three goals Slytherin would score Gryffindor would score one. The thickheaded, conceited Slytherins had actually listened to him. Who would have thought?

Lily was in awe because there was a vast improvement with their team. What had happened to Slytherin? There were three new players, but from what she knew, they weren't all too good. Severus just sat there floating on his broom with his eyes closed most of the time. The other two just fooled around the whole time. What's their plan? As she thought a bludger had flown past Lily and barely missed James. She was terrified for a moment, before she saw that it hadn't hit him. Just as it had missed James a quaffle had made its way into the goal. There was something going on, but she couldn't quite figure it out.

She had the quaffle in her hand and raced toward the goal, swerving around the Slytherin players quickly. She purposely avoided Severus. She threw the quaffle and just as she did so the bludger had hit her shoulder. Severus opened his eyes and he saw Lily began to fall. He was just as scarred as Lily felt as she fell. He started to fly toward her, hoping that he would catch her in time. She noticed him. She had fallen several feet before she caught her broom. Severus stopped flying as she began to fly higher into the air. She wasn't hurt. He sighed in relief.

Lily was quite distracted for the rest of the match. _Did he try to save me? Did he want to? He had saved me once? Why hadn't James done anything? He keeps wanting to protect me. I'm not much of anything. I'll never understand this. Things ended between us long ago. Everything happens for a reason. We aren't meant to be with each other as friends. That much was made clear, earlier… _She drifted into her thoughts and completely forgot about the game. Luckily, no bludgers had made their way towards her.

Severus caught sight of the snitch, and suddenly his position on the team was clear to everyone. He raced toward it while the Gryffindor's seeker tailed him. Severus was fast, despite the fact that he was on an old, worn out broom. The snitch suddenly was behind Severus. He turned around, his fingers where inches away from the snitch. Swiftly he reached for it. Just as he did a bludger hit Potter and he fell. He crashed onto the ground. Something inside of him told him to go to Potter, despite his relentless hate for the man. He let go of the snitch in less than a second and flew toward Potter. The Slytherins yelled at him, but he ignored it. He made it to Potter just before Lily.

Lily was crying; tears streamed like a waterfall down her face. "James," she choked out. He grunted in pain. Severus noticed that a wand had pierced his left hand. It was gruesome. Even if wands were allowed to be brought onto the field, it was not advisable. Why Potter had brought his was beyond him. Above the three the game still went on, because there was still one seeker left.

"Snivellus," James whispered. "Don't you dare touch me." He looked towards Lily. He whispered her name before he passed out.

"Severus, he's hurt. He's going to be really mad when he wakes up. Help me get him to the hospital wing. Please." She begged him. He nodded; he could never refuse her. Lily grabbed the top half of James, while he grabbed the other. If he weren't doing this for Lily he would have been laughing while making snarky comments. As they looked up they saw that the people in the stands were standing up, staring at them, wide eyed, confused, but mostly wondering if they were seeing things. Severus was not one to help Gryffindors, much less carry Potter to the infirmary.

They met Professor McGonagall outside of the stands. "What are Mr. Potter's injuries?" she asked, clearly concerned for the boy.

Lily was crying, too wrapped up in her own emotions to respond. "He's unconscious. He probably has a concussion. His wand has somehow bored itself through his skin and out through the other end as you can see. He made the idiotic decision to bring his wand to the game, without making sure it wouldn't fall out of his pocket. I'm not sure what has been done to the bone in his arm, but I am positive that his Metacarpals are broken. As for the area in his wrist where the wand pierced through the bone is probably greatly damaged. He won't be able to play quidditch with that hand, and considering that he is left handed it's a great loss…for him." He noticed Potter jerk as he said those words, like he could hear that he wasn't able to play quidditch anymore.

McGonagall nodded. She was in shock. _Students usually aren't able to access this kind of injury. Metacarpals—how does a student even know that part of the body? Severus might make a good healer, if he doesn't join Volde—he who must not be named… He's a smart boy. He shouldn't fall into the wrong hands. It would be a great loss to the wizarding world. _

The three made their way into the castle. At times like these apparition would have been useful, but it was strictly prohibited. Lily had slowly gotten more and more tired as they winded through the castle. It didn't matter to her much. She just wanted James to be okay. _He has to be okay. If he wakes up and finds out he won't be able to play quidditch anymore it will crush him. It matters so much to him. Please be okay Jamie. You're a good healer. Maybe Severus is wrong. What am I saying? He's always right about these things. But when did he learn all that about injuries? Too much time has passed. I don't know him anymore. He would never have helped James in a situation like this. It's so unlike him. He's changed…it's a trick. _She had told herself over and over that he was tricking her, not able to believe anything, but that. Lying to herself was the only way she could live life sanely. The moment she would admit she was wrong about him, would be the moment her world would crumble slowly, until finally all that would be left was the remainder of what used to be.

Severus noticed that Lily had grown tired. She used up most of her energy crying. _Where is the strong Lily that I used to know? She used to be able to handle situations like these. Things have changed far too much. _He stopped. "Lily, help me put Potter on my back."

"You can't carry him all the way alone."

"It doesn't matter you're tired. Don't argue…this is a battle you will never win." She listened to him. She wasn't in the mood to fight Severus. He carried the unconscious body all the way through Hogwarts without stumbling once. He hadn't the strength for it, but he ignored the pain. A thousand cruciatus curses were far worse than this. Lugging Potter's heavy body across the school was like a walk on the beach compared to what he had suffered through. His muscles tightened with every step, his arms grew weaker and his spine would suffer from this unfortunate choice in the morning. Yet, he was sure that Potter would suffer by the hands of Madame Pomfrey soon enough.

They had finally made it to the infirmary. Severus threw Potter onto the bed as gently as he could. Afterwards he collapsed into a chair, hoping his back pain would soon dull. McGonagall explained what had happened as Madame Pomfrey listened intensely. He could hear her making comments on how foolish it is to bring a wand to a game. When he got bored of their frivolous conversation, which had reduced into gossip he had turned to see a sight that had made his heart stop for what seemed like forever.

Lily was lying next to James, stroking his hair with great care. The look in her eyes was that of true love; love that was meant to survive no matter what. She looked at Potter the way Severus looked at her his entire life. Her red hair intertwined with Potter's unruly black. Severus felt a rock in the pit of his stomach. He felt himself stand up. Unknowingly he began to walk towards the other end of the room. He couldn't turn his head away from the scene. Suddenly it was completely obvious to him why she had been so hurt by this. Seeing Potter like this made her suffer as much as he. He squeezed his thigh slowly, hardening his grip with each passing moment. There was no doubting it. Even now, she loved James more than anything. He had no chance with her, even if he came back for the sole reason of being with her. Dumbledore had tricked him.

He was an idiot to ever believe that Dumbledore wouldn't have an ulterior motive. It was his nature. The lying, manipulating, senile man had used him once more, but this time there was no way to back out of it. His fate was sealed permanently. He has to live through this once more. There was no telling what life had in store for him.

Lily had felt Severus leave the room. She held James close to her, hurting on the inside. She felt so much for him. The agony he had gone through was felt equally by her. Love does unimaginable things to a person. Fairytales were never true. The tales of great loves, and great loves lost were never to be lived. But one thing in all works of fiction is very real. Love, and love lost can cause the supernatural to occur in the inside of a human being, so magically that words could not express it.

But there was fault in this feeling. There was a sharp thick line cutting through it, consuming whatever she felt for Potter. The way Severus had saved him so willingly, or so it seemed began to spark something deep inside of her. It was the same thing she had felt when Severus told her he wouldn't join the Death Eaters. But this time it burned bright and didn't burn itself out just as quickly. Had her feelings for her old friend returned? She couldn't deny them completely. They had too much history in between them. If he is someone she could truly trust then why wait any longer? She always knew he would turn around and right his wrongs eventually. She had lost hope for him the moment she had fell for James.

That night they both drifted off to sleep uneasily. Lily was still unaware that Severus had never truly left the infirmary. They had to wait for James to wake up. Madame Pomfrey had decided that his injuries could wait until morning. That night Lily had dreamed of the three being friends, instead of the constant war between them. Unlike Lily, Severus slept completely occluded.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.

School will be starting soon. I will not be able to update as frequently, but I will try to update at least once every one to two weeks.

I am taking this time to thank my readers. I am happy that there are people out there who enjoy my writing. It means a great deal to me.

Take care, all of you.

-Elaine


	8. Chapter VIII

VIII

The two woke up. Sunlight entered through a glass window sparkling on the floor beneath them. Lily still lied next to James with her arms wrapped tightly around him. Severus was still in his uncomfortable chair. For a moment he imagined being in the bed with Lily, her arms wrapped around him as she tried to pour her love into him through their skin and clothes. But life wasn't that simple for him. If it were, he would have had Lily in his arms long ago.

His eyes were filled with sorrow as he watched the scene. He had fallen asleep to it, and it didn't do any good for him to wake up to it. He stayed strong, and let his emotions fall to occlusion. But Occlumency couldn't take away the obvious love on his face as he looked at Lily. His usual scowl was gone, replaced by something that not many people had ever had a chance to witness.

Madam Pomfrey stood in the corner and looked at the scene. It was something that was meant to be in movies. A man sat in the corner, watching the person he loved hold the one she loved. Unfortunately for the man in the corner, she never knew how he felt. The woman would stroke her love's hair gently and the man would wince at the pain, which slowly trickled into his heart. At once he would turn away. He would take a peak every few moments, hoping that the scene wasn't real. The man was cold, bitter, unwelcoming, but underneath it all he had a greater capacity to love than most people. The kind of love he held for her was impossible, unfathomable, but worth chasing after until the very end, because if he didn't, he would surely die before he ever got a chance to utter a word to her. He would continue to look at her the same way as she looked at the other man. Something about the scene could shatter a heart with a glance. She smiled; something about it couldn't be ignored.

James started to move, unsettled by something. Lily gasped in surprise. Severus stood from his chair. James opened his eyes, and moaned out in pain. The wand in his wrist was still there. "James!" Lily exclaimed.

Through the pain James pretended to be strong. He smiled. "Hey Lils, how are you?"

"I should be asking you. You hurt yourself terribly yesterday. I was so scarred. You have a concussion. I thought you wouldn't wake up this soon. Oh James, you don't need to be strong right now. You're hand…can you feel it?" Lily was out of the hospital bed. She sat next to James and waited for a response as she stared into his bright hazel eyes. He could only nod.

"Don't overexert the patient Ms. Evans!" Madam Pomfrey yelled. "Mr. Potter, now that you are awake I can access the damage more easily. From what Mr. Snape had diagnosed, you won't be able to play quidditch in quite a while, if ever. I completely agree with him."

The moment she said that Potter's face had fallen into a horrifying look. It was the face Severus had on when he had heard that the Potter's were going to be attacked. For Severus, it was a lovely expression to see on Potter's face, but for Lily it crushed her. "I—I won't be—be able to play quidditch?" he asked, stumbling over his words as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact. "That—that cannot happen. I need to play quidditch! My team is counting on me!" He had jumped up out of bed.

"Mr. Potter I suggest you lie back down in bed or I will have to sedate you! You must listen to me or your hand will never heal."

He did as he was told, for the sake of quidditch. She walked over to him and cast a spell that allowed her to see his bones. His hand was a deadly dark purple color, and it was covered in blood. Her brow furrowed. "I have never seen anything like this. I don't know what I can do. Not even St. Mungo's could possibly have a healer capable of healing this. The extent of your injury is immense. Mr. Potter, I'm sorry, but Mr. Snape was completely correct." She was in complete awe.

"Like Snape would know anything! He's an idiot. There are tons of healers out in the world, and you're saying that there's not one capable of fixing this! You have to be mistaken. I have the money. I'm willing to go through any treatment so I can get my hand fixed."

"Do not take that tone with me. Five points from Gryffindor for your cheek Mr. Potter. I suggest you cooperate, and then I will see what I can do."

Severus had, had enough of their bickering. He stood up and walked toward Lily. He took one look at Potter's hand and knew what he had to do. But he would have to look at it first. "Madame Pomfrey, I think his hand might be salvageable, but you have to take out the wand first." He waited for a reply, but he got none. "Madam Pomfrey, I do hope you know that I am adept in this field. Thus, I believe you should listen to me, if you haven't the slightest idea in that head of yours."

"Snape—"

"Do as I say," he demanded in his cold, velvety voice. She grabbed her wand and plenty of cloth to soak up the blood. There was no denying Severus when his voice could command someone with ease.

"You cannot be serious! How can you listen to that snake? He probably got me this way in the first place. After all he's just a slimy Slytherin." Both Severus' and Lily's patience were running thin, and it was dwindling with every word out of Potter's mouth.

"James, your hand can't get any worse than this. He's your last hope. Either risk it, or ruin your career in quidditch. The choice is yours. If I were you I would pick the latter." She shot him a motherly look that said, "Do as I say, or you'll regret it".

"Okay Lily, but only because you say it won't get any worse. You're lucky I love you." It was evident that he was still furious, but it didn't matter. Sever would end up trying to save his hand, whether he was conscious or not.

"I know." She pecked him on the lips once, satisfied with the answer he had given her. Could Severus even go through with this? It would make Lily happy. I would also make the swine elated if he succeeded.

"Now, you two will need to go to the other corner of the room, until I say you can come back here. Mr. Potter I will have to take your wand out of your wrist now, so if you will allow me I will put anesthesia on your wound right now." he nodded.

Lily and Severus turned around and walked to the corner of the room. They sat on a bed next to each other, keeping their distance. She so badly wanted to hold James' hand through the whole process, but she couldn't. She found comfort standing next to Severus. "When did you get here? I thought you had left last night."

He shook his head. "I slept in a chair here the whole night. I didn't want to leave you here…alone." He was trying to form his sentences carefully.

She looked at him in disbelief. 'I'm sorry," was all she could think of to say. He seemed to understand what she meant. "Can you really fix his hand?"

"I believe so. He will have to cooperate in order for me to accomplish anything. I can't guarantee anything though."

"Thank you." With every scream that escaped Potter Lily looked a little more broken down. He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her everything would be okay, but it wasn't his job to do so. No matter what he wanted, he could never have it, because she would never want the same. She tried to distract herself by talking to him. "Severus, I didn't know you joined the quidditch team. I thought you hated the sport."

"I do. That much hasn't changed. The reason why I made it is…beyond me."

"You are good seeker, fantastic actually."

"Lily, did you decide, yet?" He looked at the room's pale yellow walls. The question had just flew threw his mouth before he ever had a chance to think about it. He felt like a dunderhead.

"I can't—not right now. It, it just isn't right." After all of this, after he said he would help the Potter brat she still can't agree? This was begging to look like a lost cause. "I'm sorry. It would have been easier if—" She had cut herself off. _Easier if what—if you hadn't said those words to me? Easier if I didn't love James? Why is this driving me up a wall? Why do I care? This shouldn't happen. _

He looked at her expecting her to finish. _Would this have been easier if we had never met each other? _He was sure she was going to say something along those lines. He felt broken, just as he did every day. If he hadn't come back to this time, then life would have been easier for him. If he had only told her he loved her the first time… No, he was wrong, nothing would have changed. Fantasies and reality are two completely different things, just as the dark and the light. It was on of the hardest lessons to learn. It was also one of the hardest things to do. Separating the two and being able to tell the difference between the two were impossible, only because the heart would never allow it. "It's okay Lily." But it really wasn't.

"Please, don't call me that." They were back where they started. His efforts had gone to waste. How hard did he have to try? Could he even do it? He had lost faith in himself quickly. He was so used to feeling terrible that it hadn't made a difference to him. "Sorry." She had said it once again, but she didn't mean it. All that was left was a pool of apologies and a river of tears that drifted away from them.

"Mr. Snape, you can examine him now." Madam Pomfrey called. He held his head low as he counted the pale grey tiles that led to Potter. He couldn't get there soon enough. Lily had followed him. Lily sat on the right of Potter, while Severus on the left. "Mr. Potter, I will be supervising this whole operation so you do not need to worry. I will not let him harm you."

"Like I could ever trust Snape." A sharp pain had erupted from Potter's head. He screamed. Snape had smacked his head hard.

"One more comment like that and I will cease this whole worthless cause. Or rather, I will operate on your brain and then I'll see if you can hold onto any information."

"Five points from Slytherin! Potter, trust Snape. He is all you have left. So you better pray that he will fix your hand." It was so unlike Madam Pomfrey. But she had trusted Severus to keep a steady supply of potions in her infirmary. Without a shadow of a doubt, she had trusted him with this.

"How can you trust him?" Lily had asked automatically.

"You never know until you try." She was right. Lily had an epiphany, and suddenly she had every reason not to deny his offer. She had to talk to Severus after all of this ended.

Severus casted the same spell Madam Pomfrey had earlier. He knew what was wrong the moment he had seen the inside of his hand. He lifted Potter's hand from the bloody cloth and turned it the other way. It was just as he expected. "His metacarpals are broken. His phalanges are surprisingly fine. His extensor indicis, as well as his extensor digitorum communis are both completely shattered. His carpals and wrist are shattered, and it is missing fragments of the bone. The injury is extensive."

"Can you fix it?" James asked, completely unsure of what he had said, if it was in English at all.

"Yes, I believe I can." He sighed in relief. "But it will take at least a weak. This isn't going to be a walk in the park. If you haven't noticed…life isn't easy. So you will have to get it through your head that this is something that cannot be quickened with money." he enjoyed taking his time to make snide comments at Potter. He nodded. "Good, now, Madam Pomfrey I need the following potions: Dreamless Sleep, Draught of the Living Death, a bone regrowth serum, a bone repair serum, a blood replenisher and lastly I will need pain dulling serum. I will also need essence of dittany. For now that will be all."

"Potter I'm putting you to sleep whether you like it or not. You'll be out for at least a week. Good thing for you, because you won't have to use your brain at all." He sighed before looking at Lily. "I'm sure Lily will stay by your side as much as she can. I will unfortunately monitor your progress."

"Severus, you will make a fine healer someday." Madam Pomfrey wasn't lying. He had to remember that for when he searched for jobs. He wouldn't become a teacher once more. He couldn't stand being locked up in a classroom full of idiots for another lifetime.

Madam Pomfrey had arrived with an armful of potions and set them down on the table next to Severus. Severus took his wand out of his quidditch uniform, which he had secured well in his pocket, so something like that wouldn't have happened to him. "James," Lily whispered. "Be strong. Severus is going to heal you. I love you." Severus winced at the last three words. He had longed for her to say them to him. It hurt more than knives cutting through your heart slowly.

"I love you too." With those words said Severus shoved the Dreamless Sleep potion and Draught of the Living Death down Potter's throat. In seconds he fell asleep. He transfigured useless objects into several IV's. He poured the remainder of the potions, except dittany into them. He stuck the needles into Potter and hoped for the best, for Lily's sake. He used his wand and began to cast a spell. "Vulnera Sanentur," he had chanted almost song like in his beautiful baritone voice. The wound in his wrist began to heal. Afterwards he applied dittany to the scar that was left.

He looked toward Lily and Madam Pomfrey who stared at awe in him. "I've never heard of that spell before," they both stated simultaneously. "Who created it?" Lily asked. He didn't reply. He didn't want them to know that he had. It was terrible enough that he had let another spell of his leak out. "Severus—"

"Not right now. I am preoccupied by your—your boyfriend," he sneered, barely being able to admit it. He threw away the potions bottle and returned to his position. He watched Potter breathe. He didn't want him to wake up, unlike Lily who wished the best for the git. He stood up out of his chair and began to leave. "Madam Pomfrey, I believe you can take over from here. I will be back this evening to check up on him."

As he walked away Lily watched him. He wasn't as bad as she thought. A part of her wanted to chase after him, but another part of her wanted to keep sitting next to James. Just before Severus exited the room Sirius Black burst in, Remus Lupin was not far behind him. Peter Pettigrew was nowhere to be found, as usual. You could never trust that rat. "Oi, what's wrong with Prongs?" Sirius exclaimed.

"Your _friend_ is injured. I helped him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way." Severus had scowled at the two of them.

"Snivellus wasn't playing with his chemistry set for once! Who would have thought the snake would ever leave it! You helped James! That's it, I must be dreaming!"

"Muts don't have the brains to believe anything, much less dream."

"Oh look Moony, I got Snivelly mad!" He laughed hard, while Remus stayed quite. Sirius pulled out his wand. Remus stood there unresponsive, just as he always did. "So Snivellus, what made you help Potter today? Is it because of your cru—"

He took out his wand as well. "Black, this doesn't make sense. I help your friend, and you react like this?" He had deliberately cut him off so he wouldn't say a word about how he felt toward Lily.

"Death Eater scum like you never helps anyone. Snivellus I thought you would know that."

"The thing is; you're completely incorrect. This makes no sense at all. I am not a Death Eater, nor do I have the intention of reducing myself to such status. As for that name—can you tell me, when have you ever seen me snivel?"

Black was taken aback. "All Slytherins become Death Eaters. It's the way these things work."

"Stereotypes…clearly aren't meant to be used by idiots. Saying that is like saying all Gryffindors fight for the right cause. It's like saying Gryffindors are always brave. But your house is full of cowards."

"Enough!" Madam Pomfrey finally interrupted them. "You two have got to learn how to control yourselves. I cannot believe that either of you are still standing. Severus you may leave. You two make your visit short. I don't have all day!" Within her order, she always liked a little bit of chaos, but this was too much.

Severus walked out of the room, his green quidditch robes flowing behind him. Some things will never change. But how could they when he had returned to the time where they were still the same? He turned, not wanting to return to his common room. There would only be a group of angry Slytherins waiting to punish him. He walked into an empty classroom and sat at the teacher's desk. He liked sitting there in front. He imagined a group of students sitting in front of him while he made snide comments about their intellectual inferiority. He missed having that kind of control, but he would never return to it.

He turned toward the chalkboard behind him. He picked up a stick of white chalk and began to write onto the blackened board. The white against the black reminded him of how opposites could always find a way to complement each other. Without putting much thought into what he wrote on the board he poured his heart onto it. _If the light and the dark could intertwine we would have it all. If it were that way life would be simple. To simply put it, life should be the shades in between the light and the dark and nothing more. _

He starred at what he wrote for what felt like hours. Was this really on his mind? What did he mean by it? He had quickly copied it down onto a piece of parchment before erasing it. Something inside of him knew that he meant more by it, but in all of it he had no clue what he had meant. His subconscious was silently screaming at him, but he could not hear. He thought of Lily when he read it and her love of James. He thought of how he could never be with her because he was blackened, never truly on any side, but she was pure, untainted, completely on the side of light.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.

In addition to this, I would be grateful if my readers would take the time to review. I want to know whether or not you like this, so far. I know I found a terrible chapter to request for this, but look past it.

Thank you.

-Elaine


	9. Chapter IX

IX

There had never been a more unusual day. The sky was a sickly green tinted grey color, and, yet it did not storm. The castle moaned with anticipation, and, yet it had nothing in store for it. The morning sun had not risen that day, but no one thought of this to be odd. They continued on with their lives, completely oblivious to the world around them. Was everyone ignorant or was Severus over-analytical?

For the past three days Severus had checked up on Potter, only to see if he was still alive. He had made progress, just as Severus predicted. He had saved his enemy's arm for the woman he couldn't stop loving. He hated himself for it, because Potter never deserved any of it, but would he have, if he were in the same position. People like them weren't worth a penny to their names, nor worth the love of a woman, and, yet he was the only who was like this. The world had all kinds of people, but only few people had gotten what they deserved. He had gotten more than his fair share.

Every time he had gone to see Potter, Lily was there. He ignored her, and afterwards he would avoid her. He didn't want to upset her even more. When the time would come, he would try again, over and over, until he was finally sure which way she would lean. But for now he couldn't waste his time. He had to focus on an education, sadly.

He looked up at Professor Slughorn, who was teaching class in an inebriated bliss. To the entire class this was normal, to Severus, this was unreasonable. After the class had stared at Slughorn for long enough for him to realize that he was supposed to teach the students he sat up. "Today, I will partner you all up in groups of two. We will be working on Polyjuice potion. It takes two months to brew. So the partner you have today will be stuck to you for quite a while. You two will be inseparable." He laughed at his own pun. "Now, later in the year we will work on more complex potions, and you will work with the same partner I assign to you now." Surprisingly, his speech wasn't slurred. He began to walk around the class swerving around the desks, barely walking around without falling over himself.

He began to pair students together according to skill level. It was ridiculous. His N.E.W.T's potions class was half full of idiots. Severus would never have let these idiots into his potions class, but he was no longer a potion's professor. He had paired Remus together with Mary MacDonald, which was only to torture the poor, undeserving werewolf. Slughorn was more focused on the floor tiles than the actual pairing of partners. His drunken stupor had annoyed the entire class. "Severus…" he heard his name and faced Slughorn immediately, "you will be partnered with…Oh, I know…Ms. Evans! You two will certainly make the best pair. My two best potions students! This is bound for success!" Lily had made her way to Severus smiling at him.

"Hello Severus," she whispered as Slughorn had begun to explain the potion. "How are you? You don't look too well." She was concerned. It touched a part of him, causing his heart to flutter.

_When have I ever looked good? What a ludicrous statement. _"I'm fine, I'm just tired. I have to check up on Potter in the middle of the night. Once he's healed I'll be able to sleep well." He lied.

She nodded, knowing he wasn't telling the truth. She was the only person that knew when he was lying; everyone else could be a pawn in his hands. "Yeah, I forgot about that." She said it only to fool him into thinking she believed him. "I'm happy you're my partner." When he heard her say those words he thought he was hearing things, but if he wasn't, he swore he would do cartwheels. Well, he wouldn't per say, but he would probably smile, just like he was now. _He's smiling. He has such I nice smile when he chooses to stop scowling. It's nicer than James'…_She shook her head quickly trying to get the thought out of her head.

"We better get started on the lacewing flies." He said plainly. They both went through the process of checking if they were undamaged and still fresh. After they sorted through them Lily turned on the heat source of the cauldron. He used a special liquid, which only he knew the name of and poured it into the cauldron. After it had reached a simmer the both of them had added lacewing flies while Severus stirred.

"Severus, can we talk after class? It's important."

"Yes, I suppose that's fine." He looked up at Lily who beamed at his answer. They were both overjoyed. The minutes passed slowly as they waited for class to end. Luckily, this was the last class of the day, so they wouldn't have to rush through a conversation. Severus had begun to tap his fingers against the desk, it was an annoying habit. The clock had struck 3:15 and Lily stood up quickly.

"Before anyone leaves I need you to put your cauldrons in the back. They will be kept safe there. Put the remainder of the lacewing flies on my desk. After that you may leave. Have a great rest of the day!" Slughorn had finally sobered up enough to talk to his class cognitively. Severus had walked the cauldron over to the back, while Lily put the lacewing flies on Slughorn's desk. Before any student could make his way through the door Slughorn spoke up. "We shall check the lacewing flies daily. Aside from that, we shall learn more about the effects of the Polyjuice Potion. You may all run through the door now."

They walked out of the classroom together. As they made their way to a private corner of the school a teacher had caught sight of them. "Mr. Snape, the Headmaster would like to have a word with you." Professor Flitwick had appeared out of the corner. "He said it was urgent."

"Meet me at the Black lake in an hour." Lily whispered it into Severus' ear, her cold breathe on his skin made chills run down his spine. He nodded as she left. _Dumbledore ruins everything. He had never let me have a great moment in life. He never could allow it, could he? _He quickly walked through the halls to the middle courtyard. He hoped that Dumbledore wouldn't prolong the conversation too much.

A large gray gargoyle appeared before him. "Password," he said roughly.

"Pepper Imps." The gargoyle spun around revealing a large grey staircase leading up to Dumbledore's office. He walked up quickly. His Hogwarts's cloak had flowed behind him, just as his well-worn frock had when he was older.

He entered the large circular room, walking on an old red and gold colored carpet. Vast bookshelves inhabited the walls. There were small round tables with silver objects placed on top of them, each of them had a very important purpose, but few were known to him. The Pensieve was in one small hidden corner, with bottles of countless memories placed on shelves next to it. The portraits of all the headmasters, before him of course, were placed on the walls.

He waited for Dumbledore. If things were so urgent then why wait so long? Dumbledore had made his way down the staircase and greeted Severus. "Severus, my boy, it's good to see you. I'm glad that you made it here so quickly." He had his genuine smile on while his blue eyes sparkled from the light emitting from the large windows. "Come sit down. We have much to talk about."

"I prefer to stand. Thank you." He was aloof. He wasn't a fool. He knew Dumbledore better than most people, though most people didn't know the man much at all. Dumbledore felt sad for the lonely Slytherin boy. He was talented, but he knew the boy was drifting toward the wrong path. He watched Severus stand there in his usual position.

"Very well. Would you like a lemon drop?" He had always asked his students if they one wanted one, but no one had ever agreed. He lifted the bowl towards him.

_They're always laced with Veritaserum. I'm not a moron. What does he take me for? _"No thank you. I don't have a taste for…sweets."

"Ah, yes, I should keep that in mind." He stirred his tea as silence swallowed the two of them. "How are your studies come along? You must be doing well; your Professors are quite taken with you. Slughorn particularly praises you for your skill with potions. He says you're bound to be one of the greats. Madame Pomfrey had also mentioned something quite interesting. She said she witnessed you performing a spell—a very interesting one."

"Yes, well I have forgotten it since then. It seems to have just…slipped my mind." He was cold and distant.

"Great spells are never forgotten. You see, one can never truly forget a spell. The moment you use one correctly it implants itself into your mind."

"Are you insinuating that I wouldn't know that? Dumbledore, we both know that we aren't going to get anywhere with this. Why do you need the spell so badly?" he placed his hands on the desk. He was the interrogator now.

"You are not privy to that information. Good things come from those who seek it. I only want what is best. The spell you used is quite extraordinary." Severus smirked. "Who invented it?"

"Yes, well." he turned away. "Some spells are created anonymously. We both know that the greatest were always kept in secrecy."

"Severus," he was clearly aggravated. "Are you not telling me because you fear for the consequences? Does your loyalty lie, perhaps in the wrong place? It does no good to dwell in the darkness too long. Light will not save you, even then."

Severus rolled up his left sleeve. "You can't trust a student—how pitiful. Well, we all know that nearly all Slytherins end up Death Eaters one way or another. Isn't that right Dumbledore? I thought you of all people, the man with a seemingly golden heart would finally give a slithering snake a chance."

"I'm mistaken then. I apologize for doubting you."

"I have no interest in them." He looked at Dumbledore's sincere eyes. "I must talk to you about something, something of vast importance."

He lifted his eyebrow, intrigued by what Severus said. "How can I trust you? Not everyone in the world is to be trusted, even if you are not associating with Voldemort." The man had no fear to say his name. It was the way he could spite him, without dueling him.

"I will show you when the time comes." _You trusted me once. _"But for now, I think it's best if things remain unsaid."

"Very well, thank you Severus. We shall meet again soon."

He slowly walked away, before reaching the steps he remembered something. He didn't turn around. "The spell is Vulnera Sanentur. It can heal most wounds, even some cursed. It must be chanted, almost song like. It takes three times for it to take maximum effect. As for the inventor, you should stop second guessing yourself. You know who he is." He left before Dumbledore had gotten a chance to thank him.

He walked out of the school through the south entrance. Colorful fall leaves filled the yellowed grass. His feet threw the leaves away, leaving a trail behind him. Most trees were bare, but some still had leaves to lose. The scene outside was dreadful, but it didn't matter, even if it wasn't a perfect day, because he would talk to Lily.

The lake in front of him was magnificent. There was no telling what secrets laid within its darkest depths. Even when there was a lack of sunlight, the black water shimmered. Small waves undulated toward him, stopping at the barrier of mud before his feet. He had many memories of the times he spent here with Lily, talking, reading, studying and sometimes they would sneak a friendly peck on each other's cheek. He wished that life were like that now.

He couldn't know what to expect from Lily. She was spontaneous. He never knew what she was thinking, until she would tell him, as she always had when they were younger. But now that everything had changed he half-expected her to break of anything and tell him to never talk to her again. Life was no longer easily predictable. Things could take a turn for the worst in a matter of seconds.

He sat down by the lake against a black barked tree. The cold October air nipped at his skin, causing his teeth to clatter every now and again. His right hand shook as the anticipation ate at him. He pulled out a book from his pocket and tried to read it, but it only annoyed him. He placed the book on the ground next to him and stood up. Time always passed the slowest when you couldn't wait for anything.

He waited half an hour. A lot of time had passed since Lily said she would be there. He had lost all hope. _Why do I hope when in the end there is nothing to hope for? _He glanced at the lake one last time before he started to turn around. _Maybe she forgot…I'm an idiot for trying to be optimistic. Falsely trying to reassure yourself only leads to things worse than hopelessness. Tomorrow I'll talk to her. Then, I'll know why I waited so long for nothing. _

A flash of red appeared behind an evergreen tree. Severus felt a pair of arms hold him. He wrapped his arms around her. Lily's shaking body was in his arms now. It was what he always wanted. She was crying into his chest. He stroked her hair lovingly. "What's wrong?" he whispered gently and warmly. He was concerned.

There was no response, but stronger sobs. Minutes passed before he heard her sweet voice. "Sev." She used the name he hadn't heard in over two decades. His heart filled with warmth. "You're back. You're finally back." She repeated it several times. She was clearly elated. Finally, he understood that she had cried tears of joy, not sorrow. She was so happy to hold her old friend in her arms. He was truly back. _I should never have doubted you Sev, not even for a moment. _

"I was never gone Lily." He held her tighter. "I'll always be here Lily. Always."

She starred into his deep charcoal colored eyes and smiled happily. Finally she felt closure. If only she had known that this was the type of closure she had wanted in the first place she would have fought for it. Too much time had passed, but she was happy that it worked out in the end. "I missed you Sev."

"I missed you too." _Much longer than you know Lily. I love you. _The three words screamed at him. He wouldn't tell her. She was clearly in love with Potter. He would tell her one day. But that one day would have to wait, because he wanted to make this odd day into something perfect. The three words would only hinder him from doing so.

They lied on the grass holding hands, just as they had on the day they met. Their feet were at the water's edge. "Do you remember the day I met you?" Lily asked.

"Of course; I could never forget. It was the best day of my life." He turned toward her. He was one that had never shared his thoughts, but he felt as if he had to, so he could keep Lily.

"It's mine too." She said. Was his morning pumpkin juice laced with Felix Felicis? "Sev, I'm sorry about the past two years."

"Lily, you have nothing to be sorry about. I drove you away. It was my mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I hurt you."

"Yes, but I hurt you more. I never knew…" She trailed off into something imperceptible. He wanted to hear what she said, but she was glad that he couldn't. "I'm sorry I gave up on you. I shouldn't have done that. After all, no Slytherin ever chases after a Gryffindor."

"Stereotypes," he muttered at her sarcasm. _Then again, it is true. The relentless hate between two houses is preposterous, but completely and utterly real. It took me long to learn that everyone has a bit of each house inside of them. Dumbledore helped me learn that. The only problem is no one realizes it until it's already too late. Lily and I defy that somehow. She's partly a Slytherin, and I a Gryffindor. Only if people could see passed the classification…_

"Sev, what are you thinking about?"

"It's nothing important Lily." He knew the more he refused to tell her the more she would ask him. So he changed the topic to something of his interest. "Lily, are things back to the way they were, or am I mistaken?"

She looked up at him surprised by the question. She wanted to say the right words to him, but words cannot express anything carefully. "I think time has to do its thing here. So much of it has already passed. But I can tell you that we are friends." She hoped it would satisfy him, instead of hurt him. She knew he was particularly sensitive about the subject, since it was the only thing that was constant in his life, up until it took a hiatus.

"Thank you." he smiled at her, like he hadn't been able to in years. It was broken, pitiful, but the most beautiful smile she had ever set her eyes on. _If only he could smile more, and let other people in he would have real friends. He needs to be around more people. I can't be his only friend. It doesn't work that way. _

"Sev, I need you to promise me something." She didn't wait for an answer. "You can't go back to them. If you step one toe out of line I will drop you faster than you can catch yourself. I don't want to see you immerse yourself in the dark. You're better than that. You can make new friends. I just want you to follow the right path."

_If only she knew what I had done. She would hate me. Or would she? Could she really hate me after everything I had done for her in my previous life? I wish this were easier. It used to be so easy to keep secrets from people, but they were never Lily. I wonder how long I will be able to keep silent… _"I won't go back to them. I never will. I promise you with my life." She was happy with his answer, and she hoped he meant it.

Lily put her hand in Severus' hair. It felt like silk. It wasn't the texture you thought it would feel by looking at it. He had such nice hair. "You need a haircut."

"I suppose I do." He had never cut his hair much. He had gotten used to it being long. He could never imagine it short. It would probably look terrible on him anyway. He had liked the way she put her hand through his hair. He had never fully felt human touch until that day. He was fully alive.

"It's a Hogsmeade weekend on Saturday. James will be in the infirmary. I was thinking that maybe we could go together as friends. I wanted to catch up. A lot of things change in such a short time."

"I'll go with you…as friends." He wanted it to be so much more, but it was only the beginning. Beginnings were never great, but everything afterwards would always lead to greatness. They would just have to let the story be written with its own twists and turns until it would end all too soon.

They looked up at the grey sky as they held hands, yearning for time to stop so they could indulge in the moment. It was flawless.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.

Sorry for the wait. I promise I didn't forget about you.

-Elaine


	10. Chapter X

X

"Lily, are you sure you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?" He asked her, only because he knew that he was tempted to do something he would regret if he followed through with this. For him, friendship would never be enough to satisfy the burning want inside of him. For now, it would only keep him content. He was weak for her, and surely he would dwindle to nothingness because of her. He couldn't compose himself long enough when he was around her. It was only a matter of time until he would burst, and love would pour out of him in a waterfall of emotion. It was because of her that he was completely destroyed on the inside. Nothing that either of them could do would be able to piece back the ruins left inside of him.

"I'm sure Sev. James won't be mad, if that's what you were thinking." She replied happily, completely sure that what she said was true. She was happy that they were friends again. Her life seemed to be together as a whole once more. She had few questions in her head remaining, but they were all ones that she was sure he would answer. "Let's get going. I don't want to waste our time." They walked side by side. From the back you would think they were just friends, but from the front you could see that there was more it, beneath the thick layers on the outside.

It was a striking autumn day. The trees overhead formed a tunnel. The dark braches intertwined carefully, leaving enough space for rays of sunlight to peer through. The dirt road had been raked of leaves. As they walked the wind blew the colorful leaves past them. He looked at her. She was more beautiful than the world around them. She turned to him and he turned his head away, embarrassed. She was ignorant to his feelings. It was a good thing though, because he never wanted her to find out, unless she felt the same way. He was sure it would never happen.

Unlike most Hogwarts students, they both wore muggle clothing to Hogsmeade. Severus wore an aged charcoal grey turtle neck and black trousers. Lily wore an evergreen colored turtleneck and black jeans.

They entered in a crowd of people. To Severus, this was chaos. To Lily, this was normal. It was an unusually busy day in Hogsmeade. In all of his years teaching at Hogwarts he had never seen it so full of life. He had never gone to Hogsmeade near Halloween time. It was the only explanation. "I know it's kind of busy, but it's because of Honeydukes'. With Halloween coming up and all that, they're really busy."

"I can see." He looked at Lily briefly, before someone had stepped in between them. "We should find a more suitable place." He raised his voice slightly, hoping Lily would hear him. He didn't yell much in his life. He never was in the situation where he had to.

"Yeah, come on!" She grabbed his arm and began dragging him across the town. It was like old times to them both. They maneuvered their way through the people. Lily shoved them away. She wasn't afraid to be rude when she had to. Once they had gotten through the crowd they were on the southern side of town. "Do you know where you would like to go today?"

"We have to talk, but we can do that whenever you feel…comfortable. I don't need much of anything. We can go wherever you fancy."

"Nonsense, you always need something!"

"Let's sit down and plan the day out then. Maybe I'll come up with some petty want by the end of it." He walked a bit further with Lily until they reached an old wooden bench at the corner of Dogweed and Deathcap. There was an absence of people there. The area around them was full of dark odd buildings. It was a fine place for planning. "Tell me, what did you have in mind for today?"

"I would like to go to Honeydukes once the crowd dies down. But before that I need to get some quills. I seem to have lost them earlier this week." She continued on, somewhat boring Severus. Mostly, he just wanted to talk to her about where they stood, even though she confined that they were friends. She could tell that he had stopped listening. It was obvious he thought that shopping was quite tedious. "Severus, you aren't listening!"

"Either way, we will end up making our way around the dainty shops you want to visit. I will end up carrying more bags than any human could possibly hold. We will push our way through Honeydukes, as you fill bags with candy. Then after you've ware me down to the bone we will sit down and talk about…well, everything."

"I'm surprised you haven't forgotten." She really was. The times she had gone to Hogsmeade with him they had gone through the same routine. She knew he hated going through the stores, but he did enjoy spending time with her. "Well, what did you have mind, since you already know what I want?"

"Nothing, except the talk we will have in the end." She looked at him as if he were hiding something. "We could stop at Dogweed and Deathcap. I need some plants for potions."

"Experimenting?" He nodded. "Good, I'll help you if I have time. You don't have a problem with that do you? I miss the times we spent together near the cauldron."

"Just don't criticize too much."

"I should be telling you the same thing. Now come on let's go! Time stops for no one."

* * *

Severus held half a dozen bags in his hands as they made their way toward Honeydukes. Only one small one had belonged to him. Lily was beaming as he scowled. "Come on Severus, don't look so sad. You can't possibly be having a horrible time." He tried smiling, but his upper lip could only waver. It was a pitiful attempt. "Come one, we just have one more stop to go."

"Honeydukes?"

"You could wait outside if you want to."

"I know. I'm not particularly fond of sweets, am I? I'm going in anyway. It isn't a burden." Except, it was.

They walked into the candy store. The obvious fact was that there was candy, probably more than the entire wizarding world could eat. It wasn't possible that so much candy could fit in such a small store. There were children filling bags with candy. Some of them wailed as their parents refused to buy more candy. This was one of Severus' least favorite places in the world, but it was one of Lily's favorites. He watched Lily walk around the store. She was like a child. She filled bags of candy with pepper imps, chocolate cauldrons, fudge flies and peppermint toads.

He walked around the bright asparagus colored room, looking for nothing in particular. Lily watched him afar, happy that he was taking some interest in the store. He hadn't much money in his pockets. He spotted a chocolate frog. It wasn't anything special to most wizards. He remembered how on the first train ride to Hogwarts Lily had purchased one. She had tried to bite it, but it hopped out of her hand instantly. It scared the living daylights out of her. Every year on the Hogwarts Express she had bought one. The same fate had befallen her. Despite his lack of galleons he picked it up. He stood in line. Lily was surprised to see him there. _Maybe he's found something that isn't candy related…_

"Is this all?" The blond shop keeper asked him, quite surprised that he hadn't bought an armful of candy.

"You're lucky I'm buying anything in this monstrosity of a store," he sneered. The shop keeper's eyes turned cold as he heard his response. She quickly put the frog in the bag as he paid her. He walked over to Lily. "I'm going to wait outside." He turned away.

"Okay, I'm almost done here!" She looked at his bag, but couldn't tell what he purchased. As he left she quickly walked over the cashier. He disappeared into the village bustling with people. She could no longer see him through the window. She placed the bags in front of her. "I'm sorry about him."

Her eyebrow lifted at what the redhead had told her. "Yes, well, I'm not sure there's much you can do about _his kind_." Lily knew what she meant by it. Supposed future Death Eaters were expected to behave in that manner. But Severus wasn't going to become one. He promised her. He was just disappointed by life, and that was why he acted so strangely.

"Thanks," she muttered as she paid the blond. She took her bags of candy and walked outside of the store, only to see that he was nowhere in sight. She looked passed a few stores, but he wasn't there. The most important part of the day comes, and he just decides to disappear. _We should have talked earlier. I'm a moron. We wasted our time today. Great, just great. _She kicked the building behind her. "Sev!" she yelled. "Severus, where are you?" There was no response. She had waited fifteen minutes for him before she couldn't take it any longer. She walked away. If he wanted to talk to her he would find her. He always did.

She walked a mile toward the edge of the village, where there was nothing, but tall yellowed grass growing on hills. Willow trees covered by browning leaves were scattered across the hills. There was nothing to bother her there. She could think clearly about everything she wanted to say to him. There was a cliff at the top of the hill. Below her dark blue water crashed against slate colored rocks violently. She sat her bags on the ground. She sat on the edge of the cliff, letting her feet dangle. She wasn't scarred of heights. What she was scarred of was the fall.

"I'm sorry," she heard his voice behind her. "I assumed that you would have taken longer in the store. I didn't mean to leave you there." He had searched the entire town for Lily before he had found her there waiting for him.

"You always know where to find me don't you?" She looked at him and patted the soft ground next to her. He carefully put the bags behind him. He sat down where her hand once was. "I'm sorry we wasted so much time. I know that you were mostly waiting for the conversation we're about to have." She placed her hand on his. It sent chills down his spine. "I can't sweeten this very much, you know?"

"Things like this aren't meant to be sugar coated." His voice was dull, empty and lifeless. "Just say what you need to. I don't want to keep fooling myself much longer. It won't get us anywhere."

"What's happened between then and now? You've changed so much." Since Lily last saw him, his appearance remained mostly the same, but now he looked older and wiser. He no longer slouched as he used to, nor did he look like he wallowed in his self-pity all day. He carried himself a bit higher; he looked even more wise and most of all beneath his blank, expressionless façade his eyes seemed to hold every emotion he held bottled up inside of him, like a well brewed potion. He was the same Severus, but completely different.

He was not one for talking. If you could manage to get more than a few complete sentences out of his mouth without a hint of sarcasm you would be considered lucky. What could he tell her now? He had decades of remorse hidden beneath his young exterior. He hadn't known how much of his life he could tell her, if he could tell her anything at all. So, he tried to remember everything that had happened between fifth year, and that moment in time. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything."

_Everything is too much. Everything will drive you away from me once more. _"I don't know what to tell you. Ever since we went our different ways it hasn't been the same. Too much time has passed."

"It's never too much." He was sure that he wouldn't get anywhere with this conversation. "How's your family?"

That was a dangerous territory for Severus. He wasn't particularly keen on talking about it. He had always kept that information to himself. "My mother died before Christmas. All that's left is my half alive father and I."

"I'm sorry." She remembered her mother telling her that his mother had died. She never really listened to anything else about him after that. "She was a good woman. She endured through a lot."

"That she did." He couldn't bear to talk about his mother any longer, it pained him too much. "There was a time where I wanted to be a follower." He got to the topic Lily wanted to hear about most. "I just can't do that anymore. He just kills off innocent people like they are nothing, but scum. That is not power. That is weakness and fear. I am not a coward like him. I'm sorry for everything Lily. I shouldn't have tried to walk down that path."

"But you turned around in time. I'm so happy that you realized that it was the wrong path. I couldn't bear to lose you like that. I didn't want the little boy I met on Spinner's End to willingly give it all up for something so—"

"Weak. Dark. Worthless." He finished for her. He looked at the doe bracelet on his arm, which he had hidden so amply in his dark clothing. He pushed it further down his wrist do she wouldn't see it. "Lily, I can't tell you what I'm like. You have to figure that out for yourself. I'm sure you will be thoroughly surprised once you see for yourself." _She won't be thoroughly surprised; she would be shocked into oblivion. _"If there's anything you would like to know just ask me. I will answer it to the best of my capability."

"Have you ever met him?"

_Yes. _"No, I haven't." Experience was the only reason why it was so easy to lie about it. He had spent nearly his whole life lying. It was natural for him. What wasn't natural was the guilt he had felt the moment he lied to her once more.

"Good." She let out a deep breath. "We can move on then." They continued chattering on about their lives. Lily had done most of the talking. He had brought her up to date on the most important things. But Lily was the one who was the life of the conversation. He enjoyed hearing her voice, and she enjoyed the way he would listen to her intently.

"How's Petunia?" He wanted to hear what she had gotten herself into. Whatever ditch she had brought herself into she deserved.

"She's getting married soon. She met this fellow, Vernon Dursley. You remember him, don't you? He came over to our house once while you were there."

"Yes. That man sits in his own girth, while chattering away like some ninny about the fascinating world of drills. The man is self-absorbed. I don't know how any human could ever be with a man like that. Even Petunia." He had a sharp tongue. If he had the time he would insult the man even further.

"He's her type. He has money, he's a hard worker, he is respectable in her point of view and he is not a freak. He's perfect for her." Lily had meant those words she said. She loved her sister, but the words she spoke were true, and nothing short of it.

"How are your parents?"

"They—" She chocked backed tears. It was a hard topic for her. She had only lost one of them such a short time ago. "My mom is alive." It was all she could say. He knew what she meant by it. "My father died in a car crash over the summer." Salty tears dripped down her cheeks. He gave her a cloth to wipe them away.

"I'm so sorry Lily. I truly am." He hadn't known about this before. "He had a happy life didn't he? He was always happy and smiling. He was surrounded by the people he loved. You couldn't ask for more could you?" The words spilled out of his mouth because it was what he longed for. Behind this cryptic exterior, cold demeanor it was what he truly wanted.

She smiled pitifully. "Yes, you can't ask for more can you? You always know the right things to say Sev."

"Where do we stand now Lily?" It came out of nowhere. "You confined that we were friends, but where are we exactly?"

"Just friends Sev, that's all."

"It isn't enough of an answer Lily. I need to know. Tell me what your idea of our friendship is. You said time needs to take its course, but before it even can begin I need to know where we stand."

"I don't know," she said nonchalantly. But then she realized it was true. She was perplexed. She hadn't known where she wanted to start off exactly. "I really don't. We can't just pick up where we left off. It would be too terribly hard to do it that way."

"Wherever you want to start is fine, just as long as we don't start of as enemies. I can deal with anything."

"Should we start over then? I don't know where else to start."

He stood up. Lily soon followed. He picked up a broken flower and revived it. The once brown dead flower turned into a white beautiful flower. It floated into Lily's hand gracefully. She starred at the flower for a few seconds. Memories flooded her. She knew what he meant by it. "Hi, I'm Lily." Her voice was happy, almost childlike.

Just as the day they met he put his thin, pale hand in front of Lily. "I'm Severus." They shook hands.

"Thank you." Lily and Severus were both happy. They had started over. It wouldn't be the same as before. He had to earn her trust once more, but he would do it.

* * *

They walked back to the center of the village. It was empty of people. Most of the students had gone back to Hogwarts. It was nearly dusk when they arrived. Their stomachs growled as they had skipped lunch that day. "We should get going shouldn't we?" Lily was hoping that they would make it back to Hogwarts in time for dinner.

They entered the dining hall wearing their Hogwarts uniforms. For the first time in years Lily sat next to Severus, instead of the Marauders. It seemed right to do it that way. She didn't want him to be all alone again. So her surprise Regulus soon sat down next to him as well. Maybe he wasn't as lonely as she thought he was. Severus was in the middle between them. It wasn't his favorite spot.

"Sev, you hadn't told me you were friends with Reg."

"I thought I did…" _Does she really think I am that lonely? Not even I could stand being all alone. _"Are you two acquainted?"

"She called you Sev! Merlin, I thought you killed anyone who called you that!" Reg looked at Lily who was giggling. "As you know, I'm Regulus, Sirius' younger brother. Don't believe a word he says about me, it isn't true. 'Sev' is like a big brother to me." He cringed as he heard him use his nickname. He only allowed Lily to call him that. "I was sure he would tell you about me. After all, I'm pretty hard to ignore." Severus chuckled on the inside. He was completely impossible to ignore.

"I'm Lily. Sev and I just made up recently." Regulus shot Severus a look that meant they had to talk about this.

"Severus, can we go out into the hall for a moment?"

"I'll be back soon Lily. Just don't get into any fights with the other people at this table. They aren't exactly too fond of you Lily. I'm sorry."

"Just hurry."

They walked out into the hall. "What do you think you're doing? She's with that Potter git. Do you plan on winning her back or something? Do you know what you're getting yourself into?"

"We were never together in the first place. I don't plan on being anything more than her friend. I don't deserve anything more than that, not even this. I won't ask anything of her."

"Just don't mess up this time Severus. Neither of you can afford it."

"I know." They walked back into the dining hall. Lily remained unharmed thankfully. "Sorry about that. He had to tell me something important."

"It's fine."

Just as he began to sit down Henry Napier, a blond haired, brown eyed third year Hufflepuff came up to him. "Snape, you're needed in the infirmary. Potter is in trouble. Madame Pomfrey doesn't know what to do." A look of terror filled Lily's face as she heard this. She had never been so scarred in her life. "What are you waiting for? You need to get going." With that said the four of them raced into the halls without having eaten dinner. They didn't know what to expect.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.


	11. Chapter XI

XI

They rushed to the hospital wing as fast as their legs could carry them. If he killed Potter he would never be able to forgive himself. He despised him with every fiber of his being. But if he hurt Lily this way he wouldn't know what to do. Lily had only begun to trust him. He could not muck up. _Just let me make it in time. I had saved one Potter—multiple times; surely I can save the other. _

They came bursting through the door. Regulus tripped over his own feet and shrieked. He knocked over the other three, causing them to have the same cold, hard fate as he. "Merlin Reg, why did you have to come along?" Lily yelled at him, her voice harsh and raspy. She was angry at him, because every second was more important as time passed. He had helped them waste time.

Severus rushed to Potter. Madam Pomfrey was next to Potter monitoring him uselessly. His eyes grew wide at the scene. He was pulsating, violently thrashing from one side of the bed to the other. His blood shot eyes were open; tears spilled out of them in a stream of hot salty water. His mouth was widely opened, but not a single sound escaped it. It was a horrific sight. "Madam, I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Also, I need to see the potions you have been giving him for the last twenty four hours." His voice was calm, even though on the inside he felt as if he was running around in circles, until finally the dizziness would overtake him. She ran to the far right corner of the cream colored room. "Quickly, I need to make sure Potter stays alive!"

Lily rushed to Severus and gripped his arm tightly. "Sev, tell me what's wrong with him! Tell me he's going to be okay. I trusted you…" She started crying harder. Her face was reddened, and her body was sweating profusely. "James." She took his hand in her own. The sheer energy erupting through him made Lily's arm shake. She felt terrible watching him like this. She wished she could help him, but she didn't know what to do. All the years she had spent reading about these things had gone to waste.

Madam Pomfrey set half a dozen potions on a table next to Severus. "This is what I have been giving him. They are the same ones you had instructed me to give him. I did just as you instructed. I gave him the potions every four hours through the IV's. His body was taking them perfectly well up until fifteen minutes ago. That's when everything started to spiral out of control. I checked all of the potions, but they seemed fine to me. I haven't given him a dangerous amount of any of them. I don't know what could have gone wrong."

"Very well, thank you." He quickly opened each vile. They were all labeled as the potions he had prescribed. He smelled each one carefully, checking to see if anyone of them had been tainted. The first time through the all had seemed to smell fine. He examined the consistency of each one. There was still nothing different. "Lily, will you hand me the piece of parchment over there?" She did as she was told, hoping that this would solve everything. He placed the parchment onto the table. Those particular potions wouldn't burn through paper. If one did it was tampered with. He had gone through the first six and nothing had happened. There was one left. He carefully spilled it onto the parchment. It began to burn a hole through it. "It's been laced with something. I'm not sure what it is. It hasn't altered the consistency and the smell. Potter needs a bezoar. I'm sure you wanted to take your precautions Madame Pomfrey. It was good that you had gotten a student to get me. I need a bezoar. I also need three people to hold him down. I don't want him choking on it."

He was handed the bezoar. Regulus came at his request to hold Potter down. He held Potter's abdomen down, while Lily held his shoulders down and Pomfrey held the legs. Severus shoved it down his throat quickly. "Now all that is left is the wait."

Several minutes passed at an agonizing pace for Lily. Severus seemed to be relaxed as Lily tapped her fingers against a wooden table nervously. They way Severus seemed composed had aggravated Lily. Lily was worried beyond belief. She began to pace around the room. "Nothing's happening yet Severus! What's going to happen if the bezoar doesn't work?"

"The bezoar will work. Do not doubt me. We need to wait. Be patient. I implore you to sit down. You will hyperventilate soon, if you don't calm down." He took Lily's hand and walked her over to the bed next to Potter. "Take deep, slow breathes. Everything is going to be fine." She looked up at him with doe eyes. She looked so innocent. She looked vulnerable. On the inside she tried to stay strong, but seeing James so weak and so helpless made her just the same. She wanted James to hold her in his strong arms, gently rocking her back and forth, while whispering things in her ear only he could. "Just relax…" Severus' voice was slightly soothing. She closed her eyes for a moment. All she could see was crimson when she closed them. It was like blood pouring inside of her eyelids endlessly. It only made her worry even more.

She heard a grunt that only James could make. Her eyes flew open. He was sitting up in his bed. His hair was a ruffled mess, his eyes were still bloodshot, his skin was wet and pale, but to her he still looked amazing. She jumped out of bed and threw her arms over him. "James, you're okay. Don't scare me like that ever again."

"The bloody snake tried to kill me! The rotter, I'm going to ring his neck."

"No James, he saved you. He made sure you stayed alive. Severus isn't as bad as you think. He's good."

"You're friends with the sodding Death Eater now!"

"He is no such thing. He's changed. You've seen what he's done. Give him a chance. If he steps one toe out of line I'll drop him. He promised me he wouldn't."

He pushed away Lily's hair with his right hand. The fact that Potter touched Lily like that made him cringe. "I'll do it for you Lils." He smiled his flashy smile, showing his pearly white straight teeth. "I sacrifice so much for you," he muttered under his breath.

Severus watched them both painstakingly. They were so close to each other that is was unbearable. He watched as Lily leaned into Potter so willingly and fiercely snogged him. Madam Pomfrey did nothing. He has seen them kiss, but he had never seen them snog. He felt his knees grow weak. His heart began to beat painfully. He bit down on his lower lip until it bled. It was too much for him. He turned around and walked away from the room, breathing heavily. Regulus hadn't said a word the entire time he was in the room. He followed Severus into the halls. Lily and James were lost in their own world. It was easy to be oblivious to the world around you, when you had something others didn't—love.

Severus pushed his back up against the wall. He pushed harder, until he could feel his spine being crushed by the stone. He dug his fingernails into his hands making shallow semicircular wounds in his palms. He knew Regulus was watching him suffer. "Reg, if you plan on making some genius comment, there is no better time to make one than when a man is at his weakest. Go ahead; tell me how I feel because the cold hearted bat knows no feelings." He was morbidly sarcastic. "What are you waiting for? You must have _at least_ one comment on how Death Eaters would not stoop so low. They would never grovel on the floor, and long for love. Death Eaters need no trivial things such as that. Go on, tell me. I want to hear those words escape your mouth ever so proudly. I can just imagine the words you will say, 'Snape, you need to grow a spine. You have reduced yourself to nothing, but a garbage bag of emotion.' I suppose that will be the beginning of you wondrous words." Severus knew that he had let himself grow soft, and he despised himself for ever reducing himself to it. No longer would he do it—if it was only as easy as telling yourself.

"This is why you lost her the first time. Your tongue is so sharp it cuts through flesh quicker and more painfully than daggers. What I wanted to tell you was that you shouldn't waste your life waiting for her. If she loves another man then let her run down that path blindly. Let her make that mistake. She'll never know what it's like to be with you, and it will be her loss."

"I can't. I just…can't." His throat was tight, closing in on itself with every passing second. He began to slide down the wall slowly. His shirt had slid up, slightly revealing his thinly muscled bare, pale abdomen. He hit the floor with a loud thud. "It's impossible." _I am a fool for thinking that I could just be friends with her. I've told myself this a thousand times, but I will not be able to tell myself this a thousand more. _"You cannot understand."

Regulus sat next to Severus and patted his shoulder, causing him to flinch. Severus was used to not having physical contact with people. "I envy what you have. You don't know how much more you have than most people."

"I have nothing. Everyone can see that. I do not have a penny to my name. I do not have what you would call a simple carefree life. I have much less than most people, not that it even matters."

"People could see that by looking at you, yes. What people wouldn't do is dig through all the filth to get to your core. You have something most people would die for. You just can't see it clearly."

Severus looked up at the grey ceiling above them. A chandelier hung above him. _What could he possibly mean by that? Anyone in the right mind would never think that. _"Tell me then."

"You surely should have figured it out by now. You have something no Death Eater could have. It's something that makes you stronger than any Death Eater. You know deep down what you have."

It hit Severus. _So this is the reason why the meddling man never gave up on me. _"Love." He said it his voice full, strong, but broken in a way only his voice could be.

"Yes, Severus, you can love. What's interesting is despite the fact that you've formed the worst kind of personality, you have a larger capacity to love than most people. You shouldn't undervalue it."

_Dumbledore influences too many people. I wonder if that is a side effect of increased exposure to a wise, meddling aged man. _In truth the words hadn't helped him much, but they made him realize something that he had taken too long to. "

You have time to quit you know. It is not too late. You aren't like them Regulus."

He shook his head while he faced the floor. "This is about you, and not me. I have to make my own choices. It matters a lot to me that you care. I just want you to understand."

_I would tell him the truth if I could. I would show him everything. He shouldn't be among Death Eaters. He is too good for that. _"I understand." He could understand because he had gone through the very same thing, tricking himself into believing that it was the right thing to do. He planned on talking to him later. Regulus was one to fall into pressure. Severus knew that all too well. He only had to use the right kind of pressure, to get him into the right place. He looked at Regulus for a moment. "You are just like Dumbledore."

"No, no I'm not. You are completely wrong."

_On the contrary, you are the one who's completely wrong. You will see it one day. Hopefully._

"We better get going. They're going to start wondering where we went. Besides, I want to see if Potter went back to spasming uncontrollably. They have probably been separated by now. If she knew of how you feel then she wouldn't have done that in front of you." They walked into the infirmary. Lily and Potter were no longer snogging. They were on separate sides of the room.

"Sev, Reg, you're back! I thought you two left."

"I had some important business to attend to. You two were a bit…preoccupied. I didn't want to disturb you." Lily blushed. _How can I do this? _He would repeatedly hit his head against a wall later to get the memory out of his head.

"Mr. Snape, I would like you to check Potter's hand. I want nothing to do with it anymore. You seem like you have complete control of the situation." Madame Pomfrey had interrupted them. He sat down on the chair next to him. "You two should leave. Visiting hours are over." She was clearly mad at what James and Lily had done. Lily left reluctantly. She wasn't sure how those two would act around each other alone.

"You two behave," she said just as the door began to close.

After Lily left Snape began to examine Potter. Hate boiled inside of him. Potter's arm was no longer badly bruised, but there was a scar left from where the wand had pierced through. "Transpicio." He looked at the bones carefully. "Your fractures are healed. Some of the bones are still broken. Madame Pomfrey, how is he dealing with the concussion?"

"It passed this morning. I think he is ready to go back to class, if that is okay with you."

"Potter you would prefer to stay here, wouldn't you? No matter, you need an education; even if your brain can barely hold onto a single thing you are taught." He had thousands of insults stored inside of his mind.

"Honestly, I don't care where I go, as long as my arm is healed." He was aloof. He promised Lily he would behave around Snivellus.

"Very well. You're going back to class on Monday. I'm sure your teachers will be very understanding. As for your hand, with the proper therapy it will be usable. However…I think you should retire from quidditch this season. The Quidditch Cup is not nearly as important as your hand."

"You aren't too bad Sniv—Snape. Not too bad at all."

The doors slammed open. "Oi Prongs, tell me this is a nightmare! Ol' Snivellus doesn't deserve that. He'll be back in his cave after this, conjuring up some hex to use against us."

"Mr. Black, visiting hours are over." Madame Pomfrey pushed his out of the room quickly. _Poppy should be around me every time Black is to show up. She is the only one in this whole building who sees the Marauders for what they are. _

"Black is right. You shouldn't act like this, when Lily is not around. She could never find out. You don't have to treat me any differently when she isn't around. After all, these past few years you only hexed me when she was out of sight. Very Slytherin of you Mr. Potter, very Slytherin indeed."

"You snake—"Severus smirked. He was content that he had finally gotten Potter to break.

"Acting up? How interesting—just moments ago you were praising,-which horrendous nickname should I use? Oh yes, how about the "greasy git"? I believe I will be taking my leave now." Before Potter could think of an insult to fire of at him, he left, no longer able to deal with him anymore. "You may perform Episkey on him tomorrow evening. After that you may discharge him. He must show up once a day for three days afterward for the bone repair serum. I'm sure you already know that."

* * *

He rushed out of the doors, aggravated by the whole experience. Reg had seen him express his emotions, Lily had snogged James right in front of him and he had to take care of Potter yet again, because some moron had most likely gave Madam Pomfrey that tainted potion. All he wanted was to retire to the library for the day. He yearned for a moment where he didn't have to care for anything. If there was numbness in his heart, a sudden shut down of thought in his mind, a momentous drainage of the memories he had longed to forget, he would finally be able to move on with his life.

He sat down at a lone table in the corner of the library among a vast collection of novels. He read a book on various rare potions ingredients, searching for no particular thing. After everything he had learned he wanted to further expand his knowledge. In him last life time he hadn't had enough time to fully use his remarkable talents. He always ran around from the light to the dark, doing their various bidding, trying to please both masters. This time he was sure he would attempt having a different course of life. He had already altered the future. There was no telling where it would lead. Inopportunely, he was not a seer.

He had already succeeded in preoccupying himself with tasks that he had to complete. It was in his nature to do so. He was like a robot, wired to fix his and other's mistakes. He had to help the Potters, no matter how much he wanted to lash out at them instead. He must love Lily, because if he didn't he would be an empty carcass of a human being, breathing, bleeding and placidly living until death would strike him, taking him, long after he should have been whisked away. When one was named Severus Snape life could never be easy. Life could be never lived normally. Life could only be lived like you are half dead, waiting to feel alive one more. He had moments with bursts full of pure, heated life. They would fade away quickly once he found disappointment in it.

Unlike himself, he shut his eyes while reading the dry encyclopedia. His ears twitched as he heard the sound of Lily's voice and footsteps brush passed him. His eyes snapped open and he swore that from a distance he saw her silhouette dancing to the beat of the large grandfather clock. She had done something to him, that hadn't been done to many others. He was unhealthily captivated by her, to a point where it would be considered a dangerous obsession. Two decades without her had damaged him. Twenty three days with her had driven him mad. What would more time with her do to him? It would surely turn out blissfully and beautifully disastrous.

_One day I will be able to tell her everything. That day I will know whether she returns those feelings or not. That day, she will know all my secrets, and my vices that go along with them. It will be the day when I loose grip of the words I will say, and parapraxis will let me say every word I intended on keeping from her. I will poignantly regret it, like I everything else. Why had I come back here?_

_ Dumbledore—it is always because of Dumbledore. He knew how to abuse my love for Lily. I foolishly accepted his offer. I will always be his marionette. So why attempt to change anything, when I already know what the outcome will be? I must have been insane the moment I spoke to Dumbledore. One day, maybe I will find another love. That day will come long after I have fully lost control of my mind. _One thought had constantly stayed in his mind subconsciously.

* * *

_The Tale of a Man's Heart_

Let him dive further into the darkness,  
Until he becomes unsalvageable,  
Let him drift further into the epitome of dark,  
Until he knows no light,  
Let his heart grow cold and his thoughts grow bitter,  
So he can no longer know love,

Let his body waste away,  
Until no human could possibly love him,

Let his eyes grow dull and his face expressionless,  
So no one will see his soul,  
There is no use for him here,  
Take him now and leave him later,  
Show him no mercy, so he shall not forget,  
Nothing can ever fully change,  
For love knows no mercy,  
And for he cannot waver,

He will fall into the depths,  
His body will give out,  
His heart will die with it,  
Life knows no pity,  
Take his eyes,  
Take his ears,  
Take his mind,  
But never steal his heart,

The fool had fallen,  
He could never stand on his own,  
He slaved for a woman,  
Who he had lost long ago,  
At death he remembered her eyes,  
Captivated by them he finally let go,  
Even upon death he could never stray,  
He had died for the woman he never owned.

* * *

A/N: I was experimenting a bit with free style. I do hope you like it. I do not write poetry very often. I hope to update soon. You may PM me with any questions.

-E.S. Grey


	12. Chapter XII

XII

Severus walked the halls, angry with himself because of what he had done. It was against his morals. He had yet again healed his number one enemy. He was beginning to wonder when this would finally end. It was all too much for him. _Taking care of bloody Potter—this was not supposed to be part of it. Oh sod it; life never works in my favor…_

As he entered the Slytherin common rooms he felt the air around him sink; a cold breeze tingled on his skin. He thought nothing of it. Yet the further he travelled into the room, the stronger the feeling became. No sounds were there, not even the breath of life, or the last few gasps of death. The absence was strange to say in the least, but everything in this world could be considered strange.

Goosebumps formed on his skin; his hairs stood on end. Without turning, he looked from one side of the room to the other—nothing. He began to reach down for his wand: A loud crack erupted through the room. A green light sped toward him. Undeniably, the first syllable of the word "Crucio" sored through the air bitterly like a sour note played on the wrong beat. There was no time. He placed his hand out, nonverbally blocking the spell. He flicked his wand out of his robes. Several more times the spell sped toward him.

"You blithering idiots, come out from your hiding spot. I know you stole Potter's bloody cloak, which was an easy thing for even you to do." He waited, but his attackers had not come out from their spot. "Petrificus Totalus." He pointed his wand toward the corner behind the black and silver drapes of a large window. The bodies of Avery and Mulciber fell out of the cloak, leaving only parts of their bodies invisible. _Pitiful, Slytherins are meant to be cunning. What has it been reduced to? An idiot and an imperioused buffoon—how disappointing! _

Getting bored of the motionless bodies, he called a house-elf. It ran up eagerly to him. "What would Master Severus like today?" The house-elf was barely two feet tall, with large heliotrope colored eyes, pale greyish pink skin and bat-like ears, which were smaller than most house-elves had. She smiled up at him happily. "Master Severus?" Her voice was high, but not squeaky like the others.

"Could you please get me some Earl Grey tea?" House elves were one of the few things in the wizarding world that didn't aggravate him. Oddly, he found them to be one of the most human-like creatures in the world. Their hearts were certainly large enough to make them human.

"Yes, right away Master Severus!" She sped away and disappeared; running through the wall she entered a room which only house elves had access to. She raced back, a silver tray with a grey and white teapot, and three white teacups sitting atop it. "Master?" She looked up at him respectfully, in the process belittling herself. He motioned for her to set the tray on the black coffee table in front of them.

He noticed the extra cups. "Tibby, would you like to sit down?" He patted the soft cushion next to him. "You have been working hard today. You deserve a break."

"But master Severus!" She instantly worried about him. She expected something to be wrong with him: Perhaps he was turning senile prematurely? "Are you okay Master Severus?" He looked well. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Or at least, in his mind it wasn't.

"Tibby you deserve a break. Now, please sit down beside me, relax and drink some tea. It is not impossible. This is an order," he resulted to his least favorite way of offering a moment of relaxation to a house-elf. She sat down beside him gingerly, hoping that he would find work for her to do. "Now," he began, "How do you like your tea Tibby?"

"But the other masters—the tea is for them! I shouldn't. It is improper. I am only a house-elf! I am meant to serve, not to be served to! Master Severus are you well today?" She continued chanting the words of protest.

"Yes I am fine. How do you like your tea?" He was growing impatient. He poured the tea into the two cups as the house-elf entered a quiet state of awe. He opted, putting the same amount of sugar and milk into each. He handed her the cup and as soon as she grabbed hold of it her arm shook the cup. He sat against the couch.

"You must relax Tibby." She did as she was told. "I need you to do something for me. As long as you agree to it, I believe it will be quite successful." He casually sipped his tea.

"Yes, anything for Master Severus!"

"Good, I need you to listen. Do not miss a word." She shook her head violently, and then took a sip of tea, hiccupping slightly after the warm liquid travelled down her throat. "Once Avery and Mulciber wake up I will need you to run out of the room, as if you were out to complete a vitally important order. Do you understand?" She shook her head once. "Very well. I will be yelling things at you, but they will not be kind words. I do not want you to listen to the words I yell at you. They will be nothing, but a lie."

"I understand Master, but why will be I doing this?" At the question she nearly flung herself, because of her impertinent curiosity. "Bad elf!" She yelled her voice even higher and now squeaky.

"No Tibby, you must not do that around me. It is forbidden." She sat back up on the couch reluctantly. It was difficult for her to accept the new rules he had established for her. "Now to answer your question: It is because they are being terrible, childish and immature children who don't know impressive theatrical skills when they see it. In addition, it is because I need to. I cannot tell you for what reason, but if I were to do something against the pureblood method I would be sent many steps back."

"But why? I don't understand?" She was woeful.

"They are purebloods, and because of their self-imposed glory I must belittle myself in their presence. But before I do so, I need them to respect me. The easiest way is to treat a house-elf just as they do…though I assure you I am not fond of treating them as such." He cautiously had said it, well aware that there was not a chance that anyone had heard him, aside from Tibby.

"Your blood is purer than any pureblood's," she uttered credulously. The words of endearment hit him in a way words never affected him before. Even though they had touched him, he knew them not to be true. His blood was forever sullied by his own doing, and it would always remain as such, no matter what good deeds he would do. "It is true." She added, and at that Severus began to shake his head in disbelief.

A rustling came from the corner, then angry, yet confused grunts. "Snape!" yelled Avery in delirium.

"Run," he told Tibby. She did, and as she ran, he painfully insulted her for her incompetence. Once she was gone he turned to them. "Now, I suggest you both calm down before talking to me. I believe it unwise to talk to one, if you haven't a clue what is spewing out of your mouth."

They didn't listen. "Snivellus, how big of an idiot are you? You know you are not supposed to attack your superiors! You are nothing, but half-blooded filth." Avery withdrew his wand from his robes and pointed it at Snape.

"Do you really think that you will be able to attack me?" His question received an answer instantaneously. He blocked the spell swiftly. "Can't even cast a spell well enough to get through me—tut, tut—it is such a shame to see that seven years of magical education have been wasted on you."

"I don't know what the Dark Lord sees in you. You are clearly just a cranky dungeon bat. Go fly away on your greasy wings Snivellus!" They were near each other. The air grew thick. Mulciber kept his position behind Avery, not speaking a word to either of them. "What are you afraid of? I thought it was simple enough for you to attack me. I guess I was wrong."

Mulciber grew impatient. "Levicorpus!" Severus blocked it like he had with the other spells. "Snape you should bloody listen to Avery! Stop being such a prick!"

"Terribly attempting to insult me and using my own spell against me? I have never seen worse tactics in my entire life. Perhaps you should repeat your years at Hogwarts?"

"Enough!" Avery yelled. "This is between Snape and I." Mulciber backed away. "Spend more time fighting than insulting. There is no fun in prolonging this through a conversation. I don't know what the Dark Lord sees in you…it's such a pity."

"What the Dark Lord sees in me you say? I can tell you what he sees in me," Snape said circling around him with his hands held at his back. "I have intelligence, I can bring much more to his cause than you with any other band of people could bring. You would just be a pawn, but I an indispensable piece, who could take down the white king ever so easily. You already know that I am superior to you, regardless of blood status. If you are so faithful to the Dark Lord then why don't you trust his judgment?" They were now face to face. Snape smirked. "Possibly, you are the one who is a waste. I am sure the Dark Lord will kill you off first. Someone as great as him would surely see how incompetent you truly are. At least Mulciber would do his bidding as if he were a house-elf."

Avery was infuriated, but the words Severus had said about the Dark Lord intrigued him. "So now you want to join? You change your mind like a moody woman! You cannot do things like that. Someone who changes their mind so much isn't worthy to be on the side of the Dark Lord."

"You clearly are not up to date on the information." He took his seat on the black leather couch. Avery sat on the couch across from Severus. "Mulciber you may leave." Surprisingly, he did, without the bidding of Avery.

"So Snape, would you care to enlighten me, or would you prefer to keep me guessing?" It was very unlike Avery to be calm and reserved. But he had a mission from the Dark Lord and that was to get Severus on their side no matter the cost. He didn't know why, but he did care to learn why he was so important.

"Give me a reason to tell you." There was a normal way to do things, but it was never the best way. Severus happened to choose the hardest, yet most amusing way there was.

"I believe that there is no reason that is…good enough—not from the likes of you. Is that why you won't till me Snivelly? Is that why you need to by yourself time—so you can come up with one?"

A chess board appeared in on the coffee table. "Black or white?" Avery asked. Severus was familiar with this system. While the players immersed themselves in a heated game of chess they would eventually say what they needed to. The game itself was mostly to fill the irritating gaps of silence.

"Black of course." The board black pieces arranged themselves on Severus' side, just as the white did on Avery's. Avery moved first. "So, shall you tell me before or after I destroy your king?"

Avery snorted. "I'll tell you before I destroy yours." He was extremely confident with himself and his chess skills.

The game continued, each move making the next increasingly harder to perform. Severus had taken three of Avery's pawns, both bishops and a knight. Avery was planning something with his queen, but the plan had only begun to unravel before Severus' eyes. On the other hand, Avery had managed to steal a pawn and a rook from Severus. Avery let out a loud huff as he crossed his arms, waiting for Severus to make his next move. He calculated each possibility in his head quickly, trying to seek out the most urgent one. Finally he saw it. He moved his bishop and the queen was gone. "Bloody hell," Avery huffed.

"Why does it matter to you? My interests should not be of your concern."

"They shouldn't, but they are. But the Dark Lord wants you on his side. Merlin knows why, but he seems to think you will be a wonderful addition to the ranks. I'm here to convince you, but what is setting me off is that you seem to not need it at all."

_What an idiot… This will not be hard. _"You are not one to decide what I will join or not. I have certain wants and needs. More so, I find myself wanting to join the ranks more. Maybe it's the allure for power… After all, it's what we all yearn for." He lowered his head to look at his feet as Avery captured a useless pawn. "Joining you will increase my abilities. I am…delighted that the Dark Lord wants me to join his ranks. I am very…thankful that it is that way." The words were nearly impossible to utter. Most lies come out easily, but it is harder to lie, knowing that you had once wanted the very thing you detested now.

Severus saw a clear path to the king. He moved his queen and the game was over. The king's once former glory was now in pieces on the black and white board. The marble was shattered, and had only begun to pick itself up. "Explain your actions. You have been odd as of late."

Snape chuckled. "The one mistake most Death Eaters make is giving everyone the predisposition to believe that they will be joining the ranks, before they ever do such a thing." Like in their game of chess, Severus made a gambit. Avery's brow twitched upwards in intrigue, but his eyes clearly showed that he was insulted by the comment. "You should be aware that many of the things I do will not happen without a cause. You shouldn't doubt me Avery." He looked into the corner, seeing the familiar wisps of curled black hair in the corner where the entrance to the bedroom and the end of the dormitory met. He had much explaining to do and soon for that matter.

"Very well, but be warned, I will keep an eye on you Snape. I am glad that your path is clear once more."

"I am not ready yet," he admitted partially, because he would never be ready for that fate to be sealed once more.

"You will be, and soon. The Dark Lord wouldn't want you otherwise." Avery left quickly, his head held high and his back straight. The game had just begun. He had finally moved his first piece. He could only wait to see how things would play out.

Unannounced, Regulus walked toward Severus, and sat beside him. His eyes were a tempest of contempt, laced with confusion and betrayal. There were no words, but rather emotions that couldn't be conveyed through words. He clenched his fists. "You have been lying this whole time? Have you really been playing this game? You couldn't trust me, even after all of this. You couldn't trust me enough to tell me that we want the same thing, that we have the same goal." He took in a deep breath, and then let out loudly. "What hurts the most is that every single word you said to me didn't feel like a lie." He looked Severus dead in the eyes. Regulus' deep blue eyes had lost their shine and glimmer of hope. "And now I don't know if I can completely trust you Severus. This doesn't make sense, but whatever you do in life never does."

He couldn't apologize to him. His conscience urged him to earn his friend's trust, it kept on prodding him, further trying to provoke him, but it was impossible. Remorsefully, he moved off the couch without a word. "You can't keep doing this Severus." The words were cryptic, so much so that Severus would spend a great deal of time pondering because of them. "You above all people know that this isn't some silly game. You can't change your mind, or supposedly do so."

He walked away as if it were a dramatic muggle movie. "I wish I had words to respond to that. I hope you will learn to trust me, because I know now you don't at the moment."

"Why are you doing this after everything you had said to me and after every ounce of effort you used to dissuade me from joining them?" The fact that he had changed his mind the first time had haunted him, causing him to question everything Severus had said. This was no improvement. In fact, it was much, much worse.

"Everything I said to Avery, which I am sure you overheard is what I truly think. You should trust your own judgment from now on, instead of listening to whatever I will say. You know what you must do better than I do."

"Do you believe I am not worthy?"

'No Reg, I believe you are worthy." He cringed.

Severus entered the empty bedroom. A few moments after he sat on his bed Tibby appeared looking perplexed. Severus chose to stand, to ashamed of himself to ever sit down, or to think well about whatever he may do in the future. _I really can't do things much differently? The life of a spy is always the same—sacrificial, pitiful, and predetermined. Yet somehow in the tragic end the spy will be the most vital piece that ever was. Alas, there is nothing I can do to change my future. I will change the world's future, and that is why Dumbledore sent me here. Why had I been so blind? Pity the fool who tries._

"Master Severus?" she inquired. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes Tibby, I will be." _No Tibby, I won't. Please leave; there is nothing to look at here. I might as well disappear. I cannot hope to die. _

The elf snapped her fingers: A savory treat appeared in her small palm. "I know Master doesn't like sweets so this is savory. I thought this might cheer Master up!"

He nodded appreciatively and took the savory tart from her. "You easily forget things don't you?" She looked insulted. "Do not worry, it is a good things and a great skill to have in these times."

Her mouth created an 'o' shape as if she was being hit by the trivial realization. She felt inclined to leave him alone, and so she did without an order or word. This time Severus did not think in his loneliness. His head throbbed, his heart panged and his nerves burned as painfully as when Nagini had plunged her deadly fangs into Severus' alabaster skin.

The course of things had changed, because Severus had found himself falling toward a similar fate that he had in his first life. But similar was not the same. Things were too different already for things to turn out the same, but it was never guaranteed. Nothing was strictly finite. There is an air of doubt imposed upon every part of life.

* * *

The next day he woke up in a corner of the castle he was not affiliated with. He hadn't remembered falling asleep, nor having the feeling of wanting to. Things like that had only happened when things had troubled him to a great extent.

He counted the reasons why he had agreed to do this in the first place. There were five of them. Love—lust—stupidity—terrible judgment—his old, tortured heart—they were all at fault. Only now was it clear how weak he had been his whole life. Once he thought of himself as intelligent. It was not the case anymore. Once he thought of himself is brave. It was Gryffindor-esque immaturity. Once he thought of himself as pitiful. It was still that way.

The husk of a man counted the things he could do to change his life. The first was to live. To do that would require decades, or obliviation. The second was to love. He already had, and it had gotten him nowhere. The third was to die. He had no choice in that. The last was to become a puppet once more. He could so easily do just that. And he already was.

To most he would appear a worthless life, and above all deplorable. The only reason it seemed that way is because he let it. He was a flawed man just as all humans. It was that each imperfection only lowered him, for he didn't have the capacity to let it be any other way.

If things were different… It was the beginning of his every question and every statement.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.

Also, to the one guest reader named Lilly: Get a FanFiction account; you review too much not to! You don't need to, if you don't want to though. I appreciate your reviews. It is nice to know that I saved a life…

-E.S. Grey


	13. Chapter XIII

XIII

Like every other year for the past eighteen years the day had come. It was the day he regretted his very existence, his betrayal of the woman he loved, that he had coincidentally chosen to be at the wrong place during the wrong time and the fact that he hadn't fought hard enough for the woman who had consumed his heart the moment he had laid his eyes on her. There was no avoiding that day. On that day he was on his knees, wishing that he were the one dead instead. That day had carved itself into his mind permanently. He could remember that day as if it was happening to him that very moment.

* * *

_He walked through broken glass. The house was disheveled on the inside, but it was a definite improvement from the appearance it had on the outside. It was obvious that Voldemort had come through the house only moments ago. His dark aura filled the house unpleasantly, causing him to feel as if hundreds of needles were poking through his skin. The house was filled with the stench of death and blood. He feared for what had happened to Lily. A promise from the Dark Lord meant nothing. The promise from Dumbledore had been broken. He had a minuscule amount of hope left. _

_ He began to walk up the stairs of the Potter home. He saw a pair of feet dangling from the staircase. He closed his eyes for a moment before going any further up the staircase. Soon he could see James Potter's face expressionless. His body was stiff and cold. His hazel eyes were soulless and open. Severus bent over and closed his eyes. He hated the man, but he never wanted him to die. _

_ He continued walking further into the house. A cold breeze was in the hallway. Slowly and apprehensively he walked through a thick pile of broken glass. His heart beat hard on the inside of his chest, so hard that he was sure it would burst through the bone at any given moment. Goosebumps began to cover his skin. At the end of the hallway there was a door open. He couldn't look into it, yet. He stopped, holding onto the wall. 'I can't do this. Just let her be alive. Even if she is on the verge of death, I will be able to save her. Let her live long enough for me to save her.'_

_ He walked into the room. His heart stopped beating. The warm, hard beating was replaced by a cold, sharp pain. He clutched his chest as his knees began to give out. He collapsed and caught himself on the dresser next to him. He looked away, tears filling his eyes until the finally overflowed and streamed down his cheeks in an icy flow of memories. He couldn't look at her lifeless body lying meters away from him. The image overtook his memories of her laughing and smiling. That night his heart had died right along with Lily. It had shattered into microscopic pieces and left his body in one swift moment. _

_ Out of the corner of his eye he saw a baby boy in a crib whimpering softly. The boy had resembled James Potter greatly, even in his toddler form. The boy's eyes were closed. He couldn't take the scene anymore. He got up and left the room, leaving the woman he loved dead on the floor. Before exiting the room he turned back once more to see if it was all indeed real. Tears never ceased to stream down his face. He looked at the floor, only to see that her wand was lying before his feet. He picked it up and put it in his pocket next to his own wand. It was one of the few things he had left of her._

_ 'I could have done something.' It was true, he could have, but he didn't. He could have waltzed in on the scene moments before Voldemort had killed Lily and turned on him, valiantly saving both Lily and his child at the expense of his life. No matter how much you want something to have happened differently you can't change it, no matter what you would give for it. _

_ He walked out of the house to see an old, blue eyed, bearded man standing outside of the house alone. "Severus, tell me what has happened." The man could see his pale face had turned a light shade of red, his eyes had turned bloodshot and he had lost that glimmer of eternal love he used to hold. _

_ "She is dead." He told him no more. _

_ "What of the other two? Surely, you know that."_

_ He shook his head, unwilling to respond. "I loved her. I still do." It was the only time he had ever told someone those exact words. He left Dumbledore behind and apparated. He apparated next to a large willow tree that lied near an extensively polluted lake. He sat down near the water. He turned to his side and saw a young Lily, about seven years old, sitting beside him laughing and smiling joyously. He closed his eyes while his lip began to waver. He took out his black wand. "Expecto Patronum," he whispered the words brokenly. A silver doe left the tip of his wand and danced on the lake gracefully. "I love you Lily. I never had a chance to tell you…" The doe disappeared as his thoughts became increasingly mournful. _

* * *

Later he had returned to Dumbledore. After that day he was his slave. His soul purpose was to protect Lily Potter's son. He had made many wrong choices in his life, but his choice to follow the dark path and not the light was the worst of all. He should have listened to Lily in fifth year when she told him to stop hanging around the wrong people. There were a lot of things he should have done differently, but his choice of becoming a Death Eater was the worst of them all, because it resulted in killing the single person he had loved.

He had stayed in his bed even though it was long passed lunch. He had no intention of getting out of it. When he was a teacher at Hogwarts he had always been obligated to join the students for the Halloween feast, and thus he could not mourn and wallow in his self-hatred. For the first time in seventeen years he could stay in bed and starve himself if he chose to. No one in Slytherin had bothered him, yet. He was a lost cause. When he wanted to sulk you left him be, or you would suffer the consequences.

His room was the perfect place to mourn. The headboards of the beds were black. The blankets of the beds were dark green swirled with silver. The light in the room was dim, and had a greenish hue. Its only flaw was that people could pass through it. It wasn't an isolated place of mourning, but rather just a dark room, which people had shared there many conversations in.

He had gotten accustomed to crying for a time. He hadn't stopped letting his emotions take over until a year after the incident. There were few feelings that Severus had ever experienced. Among them were hatred, resent, contempt, spite, carelessness, numbness, pain, self-loathing, pity, intolerance, but above it all was love. Love in itself was an emotion that could break a man, but also save him. Love was pleasure and pain. For every amount of love felt you would suffer more than enjoy the bliss of it. But the emotion that was so painful to feel was worth feeling, because without it the world would be a dry husk of plain hatred.

* * *

Severus had finally gotten out of bed at 7:04. His fellow Slytherins had tried to drag him out of the room to the feast at last minute, but he made his way back cunningly before any of them had noticed. He wandered the castle alone, trying to find a place where he could fully seclude himself. It was normal for him to act this way when he felt like nothing more than garbage lying beneath piles of filth and forgotten items.

Every October thirty-first he had always felt the same. He had Lily back, but that didn't change a thing that he had done in the future. Wizards had the predisposition to preserve memory, but he was one of the few who would rather throw them away, if he could allow himself to, that is. But forgetting something never fixed anything.

He stood on a terrace in an unknown part of Hogwarts. The terrace was made out of old stone. It looked as if it would collapse at any given moment. The sky was a deep indigo clouded with fuchsias and oranges at the horizon. Stars plentifully dotted the sky and the moon was entangled with dark clouds. Bellow him Hogwarts students were talking and trading whatever candy they had found. The branches of a large bare tree were up against his skin, lightly scratching him.

Like that day eighteen years ago he had taken out his wand. He held it in his hand, not sure what he would do with it. Finally he gave into his urges, "Expecto Patronum." A silver doe burst into the air. It waltzed in the sky, pitifully dancing in a dreary three-four time. It continued on dancing to the nonexistent music. The doe slowly danced around him. It gazed expectantly at him. The creature was so vulnerable, but yet strong. It was much like a part of Severus that he had rarely shown. "What do you want from me?" He asked, knowing there would be no response.

"You love her," a voice much like his own replied. His eyes widened at the reply. The Patronus spell could be used for communication, but he hadn't sealed it with a message. It was a representation of what you cared for most deeply and more so who you truly are on the inside. It repeated the three words again agonizingly. How could something created out of love and kindness taunt him so? "You lost her." The doe was only stating the things he had admitted to himself long ago. It continued on in the night sky, mocking him. He was sure that he was hallucinating.

Its light faded slowly until there were only a few shimmers left. They died out when he heard a sweet voice behind him, full of concern. "Sev, I haven't seen you all day. I was worried. You—you weren't at any of the meals. You shouldn't starve yourself."

He faced her. It was evident that he had mourned the entire day. "It does not matter."

"Tell me what's wrong? Are you sick? You never get sick. I just want you to be okay."

_You always care. You always will, but for all the wrong reasons, and in every wrong way. _"I just did not feel well this morning." _I still don't. You see, I never will be able to. There are too many poultices which haunt me. _"I will be fine later." _Yes, lie both to her and yourself. That's ingenious! I'm such a twit. _

"Come on Sev, tell me what's wrong. We used to tell each other everything."

_Yes, used to, before I called you that word, before I joined the Death Eaters and before I killed you unknowingly. _"It's nothing." He waved his hand at her as he turned away. She placed her hand on his left shoulder.

"You shouldn't keep turning people away. It isn't right." She had entered dangerous waters. She knew it was not a position she should place herself in, but the wellbeing of her friend concerned her. "I worry about you so much. There are people in this world that care about you Sev." She felt hurt that he didn't trust her enough to tell her what was wrong. "Sev," her voice was soft, caring, but pained.

"No." He pushed her hand away. "I need to be left alone. Leave. Please. I beg of you."

"Stop pushing me away. I know when something is hurting you." She hugged him. She was dangerously close. She so badly wanted to comfort him that it hurt her watching him suffer. "Tell me."

He could smell her. She smelled of vanilla and oranges. Slowly he put his arms around her too. His heart pounded against her, whilst hers beat softly. Her scent intoxicated him as if she were ambrosia. _Kiss her! _It screamed at him. He yielded to lust slowly, beginning to lose control of his scenes. Her touch had scent bolts of electricity throughout his body. He shivered slightly.

"What's wrong Sev? You can tell me anything."

_Everything, but the fact that I came here because I earned a second chance at life. Everything, but the fact that I have been in love with you for over two decades. Must I list any more things I cannot tell you, or are you truly imprudent? I'm talking to myself, while insulting the woman I love. I have been driven mad._"It is nothing." Silently three tears escaped from his eyes and soaked into Lily's dark robes. _You're alive now. It is all that matters._ "You don't need to worry about me." He whispered it into her ear, causing a shiver to run down her spine. She felt his cold breath against her skin, and suddenly she felt completely different. His lips barely grazed the skin of her nape before she broke away from him.

"Are you sure?" _What was that feeling?_ Something had stirred inside of Lily. She couldn't begin to fathom what she had just felt. It began to worry her.

The trance was lifted. "Yes, I'm sure." For a few minutes all he could do was secretly look at Lily as she stood next to him. They were both too bewildered to say much of anything. "I'm sorry." He couldn't think of anything else to say.

"About what?" She was clearly flustered.

"Nothing, I just felt as if I should apologize."

"I brought you some food."

"I'm not—"

"No, you are not going to give me that! I won't let you starve yourself for some stupid reason that I will never know! Now eight you eat this food, or I will stuff you till you explode!" She was like a concerned mother.

"There is no point in arguing." She smiled widely, content that he had given in to her. "What did you bring?" He was unconcerned with the topic, since he had lost his appetite. But it would have done no good not to ask.

She sat down on the floor, motioning for him to sit down too. She opened up a black napkin and set it on the floor. There was some bread, a sealed bowl and a cookie in it. "I know you don't like sweets, but I thought that in the spirit of Halloween you might give it a try."

"There is no way I would…consume that."

"Fine, but you have to eat the soup and the bread. Or, well, you know what I will do."

He ate the soup while Lily watched him expectantly. He was a bit uncomfortable. "Will you quit staring at me? You are insufferable." He felt guilty that he had insulted Lily, but he couldn't help himself. On the contrary, Lily wasn't offended at all. The more he insulted things the more content he was. He wiped his mouth with the napkin after he finished his meal. "Thank you," he muttered.

"Hmm…what is that? I believe I couldn't hear you. Do you mind saying it again?" She was mocking him for her own pleasure.

"I said 'thank you'. Now, I believe it would be best if you go along your merry way."

"I seemed to have missed part of that Sev. What was the first thing you said again?"

"Lily I swear if I have to say those two words once more—"

"I know you will hex me, blah, blah, insult me, blah, blah and hex me again. Am I getting this right?"

He was annoyed by her. Something had changed about her. He had completely lost track of her after fifth year. Could hanging around Potter have caused her to change? She wouldn't mock him like this. It was odd to Severus. He didn't know her as well as he had wished to. She was mostly the same, but there were those slight differences in her that upset him.

"I am not in the mood to joke. Now please, make use of your legs and leave the premises." His voice was hard, edgy and raspy.

"Are you upset because of me Sev? What did I do wrong? Just tell me already."

"No, it's not because of you." _It's because I had been the reason you were murdered by Voldemort eighteen years ago, or rather four years from now. You will never be able to understand. If I ever tell you, you will hate me. If I never tell you then you will hate me just the same. I may have a plan, but truly I have no idea what I will do. I'm lost. _"I'm sorry Lily." He turned away Once again tears fled his eyes, but he had not made a sound. "Just go."

She placed a bag of lemon drops at his feet. "Happy Halloween. I hope you feel better later. I just want you to know that you can tell me anything. I will always listen." She smiled sadly at him. She had never known her friend to be emotional. It troubled her that he was.

As she left he grabbed her hand. "I got you this while we were in Hogsmeade." He gave her the chocolate frog. She nodded before she left. _Happy Halloween indeed. Every year I found her dead, and now she's alive. Now that she is alive I don't know what to do. I never knew what to do, with, or without her. When had I turned into an emotional, sniveling Hufflepuff? _

As she left he pictured her as a ghost, haunting him, torturing him, until he could no longer take it. He had killed her, nothing would change that. He remembered the day after he found Lily Potter's dead body lying on the floor. He had talked to Dumbledore. It was that day that he had sealed his fate, ad he had never went against it. Now, he could choose a different path. He could do everything differently. But despite it all, to him, Lily Potter would always be dead. "I wish I were dead." Just like the various other times, he told himself to be stronger, and to stop sniveling.

She waited at the corner. The words he uttered terrified her. But she didn't know what he had actually meant. He had whispered those words in remembrance. In truth he was grateful to be alive. She was afraid she would lose him again. If not to the Dark, then she would lose him to his lack of will and spirit for life. She wanted to hug him again. Partly so she could comfort him, and partly because she wanted to see if she could feel that bolt of electricity shoot through her body once more. She was sure she felt something like that, if she wasn't hallucinating.

As he stood on the terrace he felt a wave of closure flow through him. He knew this time Lily wouldn't die. He had the power to change that. He had the fate of the world lying in his hands, and he didn't quite fully fathom it, yet. He had wasted the day mourning, but soon he wouldn't have the time anymore.

The day had ended in a beautiful breeze. The midnight hour struck. Severus sat in his bed, well aware that the rest of the Slytherins were watching him in awe. Lily had stared at the yellow wall as she lied in her bed. The feeling he sent through her confused her. She was completely baffled by the hug. It was just a hug. So why worry? She had captivated Severus for decades, and now he had started to captivate her slowly, slyly and unknowingly.

* * *

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.

This was not the strongest chapter. I promise Severus will not cry in every chapter… I am mad at myself for making him emotional. But I had to on this day. One day I promise that he will be the same seemingly emotionless human he was. Or at least, he won't cry anymore. You all know what I mean.

-E.S. Grey


	14. Chapter XIV

XIV

He knew things. He knew things most people hadn't. He had more knowledge stored in his mind than an encyclopedia. He had more knowledge than Albus Dumbledore. In a time of war, knowledge was useful. In war brute force would always be the strength of one side, and the other would have knowledge as its own. No one had known how much he knew, and he would only let a single man find out. He was sure of it. If anyone else grew privy to the secrets he held then the world would no longer know stability. In those times there was only rumbling, but if he fell into the wrong hands then the world would erupt in a massive earthquake, and slowly destroy itself, until it was nothing more than rocks in space. He was invaluable to the war. Luckily, no one had discovered it, yet.

Severus hid in a secret closet in the Slytherin common room. The closet was painted a soft, calming shade of gray. He lied against the wall, trying to concentrate. He pushed his memories to the front of his mind. Holding a vile to his left cheek, he had begun to cry. Memories were produced much more efficiently with tears, than with magic. Magic would slightly taint them. He was one of the few wizards who knew this, or rather discovered it on his own.

A stream of silvery water trickled down his cheek and into the vile. The tears came naturally at some points. He took the most important memories from his former life and sewed them together. It all had to make sense in the end. It wouldn't be worth it, if he hid anything. Slowly the vile had begun to fill. He stopped crying at the brim of it. Carefully, he sealed it, making sure not to spill a single vital drop of its contents. The memories were more precious than silver, more valuable than gold and as irreplaceable as life. If a drop were to spill he couldn't conjure the same memory once more, it would always be different in some way.

He slowly swirled the contents of the bottle, watching the many shades of silver collide with the clearness of his salty tears. He smirked as he watched the water, but quickly frowned as soon as he realized that what he was about to do could very well end with a travesty. _What am I getting myself into? After all this time how could I just waltz into his office so willingly? I am no longer mentally stable… _

* * *

He walked into the office, waiting for the Headmaster to appear. He was sure that he knew he was waiting for him, even if he was here unannounced. Dumbledore never had meetings planned. The only planning he had done was for the war. The rest was spontaneous, and most of it surprisingly ended in success.

"Severus, my boy, why are you here? No matter, come, sit down." The man was surprised to see him. He knew Severus would never enter his office willingly. As always the Headmaster walked over to his desk and motioned for Severus to come join him. Severus stepped closer to him, but remained standing. "Would you care for a lemon drop, or perhaps some tea?" He glared at him, his black eyes full of annoyance. "Very well. Now, why are you here? You aren't one to look for conversation."

He let out a deep breath. For once the headmaster hadn't started gossiping like an old woman. "What I'm about to tell you is extremely vital to the Order." Dumbledore's eyes widened at the statement, but he was sure that there was a catch. "You will not believe me straight away, partially because you have no faith in me, yet. But—"He swiftly took the vile out of his pocket it and showed it to the headmaster. "I believe this is all I need to show you."

Dumbledore stood up and faced the wall behind his desk. "How do you know about the Order?"

"It will all be answered in due time, Albus." He crossed his arms, waiting for just the right moment to say it. But first, he would take pleasure in aggravating the man. "I will, of course, need your Pensieve. But before that, I do suggest you sit down. Would you care for a lemon drop, or perhaps some tea?" He sneered, patronizing the man.

"I do not have time for this. There is a war going on outside." He stared out of the window. There was no visible war, but it was in the air around them, and in the words they said. The coldness of the war was in their skin, and it was terribly impossible to remove. "In times like these it's better not to waste time on certain things. Time is of the essence."

Snape smirked. "My point exactly. But Albus, if you dare insinuate that this is a waste of your time, I'm afraid you will be with a great loss."

"I would like for you to get to the point, Severus."

"It's great to hear those words from you, considering you never…get to the point. Very well. But Albus, I insist you do sit down. I do not want you fainting on the floor. I will not be the one to pick you up." He nodded and sat back down in his chair. "Do you fear for what I am about to tell you?"

"There is nothing to fear my boy. You should know that."

"How…Gryffindor of you, Headmaster." He sat down across from Albus. "I'm not exactly who you think I am."

He chuckled. "I am very sure you are Severus Snape. No one could Polyjuice into you and act in the same manner." He was pestered by the fact that he could joke in the middle of a very serious conversation.

"I died."

The two words stuck Albus hard. "But you are very much alive." His voice was light, almost breathy. He was taken aback by the statement.

"Do you believe in second chances? I'm sure you do Albus. The goodness of your manipulative heart couldn't bear not to."

The headmaster sighed. "My boy, you cannot simply die and live once more. There are only second chances in life, not in death. Do not try to trick an old man." _Tom is fool if he thinks that this web of lies would trick me. _

"Albus Percival Wulfric…Brian Dumbledore—a genius among wizards, a man who could believe in the impossible, and even make it possible—is in denial that you cannot come back to life after death. I never thought I would see the day where you would say something is impossible. Maybe…I should end this conversation here, and continue on another day-perhaps when your mind can fully grasp this."

"No. Continue on."

"No matter what I say, you must look at these memories one way or another. I am thirty eight years old, not seventeen. I was killed on May second in 1998, by none other than the Dark Lord. I was a double agent, and I died a double agent. I fought…for you. You will see the rest when you view the memories, if you choose to. Albus, you are a wise man. You wouldn't let an opportunity like this just…slip away."

"How am I to believe you Severus?"

"The Order of the Phoenix communicates through Patronesses. If memory serves me correctly, Moody, against all odds, had come up with the idea a month ago. Then again a war genius can strike other types of genius too. Albus do not waste your time. I want to put an end to this war. You must listen to me. I implore you to."

"How did you know?" The man's eyes were worried, and his eyebrows were raised in shock. He was infuriated by the fact that the boy was privy to the information. He looked the boy's left arm imagining the dark mark on his alabaster skin.

"Asking such a stupid question is surprising. I hadn't expected this of you. I have already told you. I am not from this time. I died once. I believe I am here to prevent the war from escalating to greater heights." _And to pursue a relationship with Lily, hopefully, impossibly and lustfully. What am I thinking?_

"Leave my office."

"But Albus—"

"You must leave now. If you are here on a mission from Voldemort I will have you expelled. This is your last chance, Severus. Leave now, or you will never see the grounds of Hogwarts again. And you shall refer to me as Headmaster. Thank you." He turned away in a daze, unable to face Severus any longer. He was infuriated by the boy's foolish notions. Severus wasn't one to make up fictional stories, but he was one to follow orders vigilantly.

"You trusted me last time. You should trust me again…Albus." He left the room, his Hogwarts jacket billowing behind him._ The old man is an utter fool. Perhaps, he does not get wiser, until after I leave Hogwarts. My story isn't believable anyway. But the man would take a chance. He is a bloody Gryffindor! Who am I kidding? That man is a perfect balance of all houses. Sly—like a Slytherin, brave—like a Gryffindor, wise—like a Ravenclaw, and fair—like a Hufflepuff. But he is a coward as well. _

* * *

On the morning of November twenty seventh Severus woke up to a startling memory.

_A thirty seven year old Severus Snape stood next to Dumbledore. They were standing by the Pensieve. Anticipation had weld up inside of him, ready to burst, though he would never let himself. He starred at the shimmering water. It was glistening with a memory. "Severus," Dumbledore began, "Are you familiar with Horcruxes?"_

_ He starred at the man for the moment, surprised that he would ever mention such a horrendous area of magic. "Yes, I am…familiar with them." The man starred at him, prodding him to continue. "They split the soul of the one who chooses to make one. The results are horrifying, unbelievable and otherworldly. It makes one immortal, unless it is destroyed, of course." _

_ He smiled at Severus, his blue eyes sparkling with content. "Very good Severus, but I'm surprised you would learn about such dark things. It's truly evil magic Severus." _

_ "The Dark Lord tells very few of his followers about the darker forms of magic. He mentioned them once in a bit of an odd conversation. But I would rather get back to the memory in the Pensieve. It is why you called me at this hour, isn't it?"_

_ "Yes. Severus you see here today can never escape these walls. Do you understand? I trust you Severus; it is the only reason why I am letting you see this. You are a good man Severus." He nodded; surprised that he would say such things to him. "Shall we?" They dipped their heads into the Pensieve. Black smoke rushed through the silvery waters until an image appeared. _

_ Tom Riddle stood before Slughorn, talking to him about his dark discovery. Severus listened to the conversation intently. Slughorn had answered the boy's question. It was the worst possible mistake anyone could have made. "The moron," he whispered under his breath. He shook his head in disproval. He continued on listening as Slughorn had continued to answer the boy's questions. At the end the last answer had shocked Severus. _

_ He lifted his head out first, Dumbledore soon followed. "I must sit down." His legs grew weak. He couldn't find any suitable words. Completely taken aback by the memory he collapsed onto the beige colored chair. "Splitting up your soul into so many parts is far worse than drinking Unicorn blood." Finally the words had come to him in a large wave. "Seven—Seven Horcruxes—only he would do something such as this. It is insane."_

_ "Yes." Dumbledore nodded at him. "Yes. I have had this theory for quite a while. I hoped it would not be true. Curse an old man for hoping. Severus, you do know what we must do now. There is no other way." _

_ "Leave it to the boy. That is all we can ever do." He stood up and turned away from the Headmaster. "You may further explain this plan to me later." He exited the room. 'Impossible. This is all impossible. And, yet somehow it will be defied, like everything else in this damned world has been.' _

It was the last encounter Severus and Dumbledore had, before Severus sent Dumbledore to his grave.

He smirked as a plan began to form in his head. If Dumbledore wouldn't see him, or listen to him for that matter, then he would get him to see reason. A devilish plan danced in his mind as he walked into the halls. He was sure this would work. It was his last hope.

* * *

"Professor?" He called as he entered the classroom.

"Severus, what are you doing here on a Sunday? I was sure you would have been in the library by now."

"Well, I had been." he leaned against the cream colored wall and crossed his arms as he watched Professor Slughorn. "I was in the restricted section, and something had caught my eye. The book contained…certain information, but not much of it. I was hoping you would…further expand my knowledge on the topic."

"I'm not sure if I will be able to. I'm not much of an encyclopedia." He chuckled.

"I want you to know that I came to you, because you would be the only person who would understand. The other Professors aren't like you." The professor only smiled. He hadn't had a sense of déjà vu. He appeared to be care free, and this worried Severus. "I was wondering if you knew anything about Horcruxes."

Slughorn's heart began to pound in his chest. "Severus, don't ask me that question ever again. Do you understand? It is forbidden."

"But sir, I was sure you would know something about…Horcruxes." He stepped forward closer to him, and then circled around him. His arms were behind his back, as he eyed the man carefully, watching him break down. "Professor, I know you are hiding something—something _very _important. Could you tell me about Horcruxes?" He watched a bead of sweat drop from the old man's brow. "Professor?"

"Snape, don't push me. I need you to leave now. Forget those things. They are not good."

"Oh, on the contrary, I think they are spectacular." It pushed Slughorn over the edge. He grabbed Snape's arm roughly and led him out of the room and into the halls. "Where are you taking me?" He asked, faking slight panic. He played his part well.

"I think Dumbledore will be able to answer all of your questions." Snape smirked, making sure Slughorn wouldn't see. As he was dragged across the halls Slughorn began panic. Riddle was the only person to ask him about Horcruxes, and now that Severus had just done that, it terrified him. _I won't allow this to happen once more. A talented wizard such as Severus shouldn't end up as another 'he who must not be named'. I can't make the same mistake again._

* * *

Dumbledore sat in his chair, staring at the two. He was fed up with the trouble Severus had caused the past few days. "Professor, why have you brought Mr. Snape here today?"

"Albus, I can't make this mistake again. The boy is talking about Horcruxes. I need you to set him straight. I can't see another talent waste away again. Preform on exorcism on him if you must! I don't care what you do, but his mind can't be clouded by the dark any longer. I will not stand for this. He is such a good boy, a talented one, I can't let him fall."

"Very well, you may go." Slughorn reluctantly walked away. Once he disappeared Albus spoke once more. "Roll up your sleeve." Severus did just as he was told. "Tell me, how have you come across such information? The book was removed from the library many years ago."

He took the vial out of his pocket once more. "I only ask you to view my memories. Please Albus, if you don't I'm afraid that the world will be in grave danger. This is vital to the cause you are fighting for. It will answer all of your questions, and even some of the questions you have yet to form."

Giving up his efforts, he walked to the Pensieve. "Very well, you are persistent my boy."

Severus walked over to the large bowl filled with shimmering water. He uncapped the vial and spilled its contents. "What you are about to see is something to not be taken light heartedly. You will be a fool if you don't take this seriously. I do not take you as a fool Albus." There was no reaction. "Furthermore, I will view them with you, that way you will not be able to dive out too quickly. You must watch them till the end."

He only nodded, as he starred at Severus. _What is this boy playing at? He's surely gotten some absurd thought inside of his head. He isn't a Death Eater. So what is he? I had such high hopes for him. Where did it all go? I might as well give him a chance. If what he says is true, then he is invaluable._

With everything in place they began to view the memories. A puff of black smoke coursed through the water. It disappeared as a dark scene unveiled. Much to Dumbledore's surprise, Severus had something so tangled in a web of mysteries that it was too good to be true. It was unbelievable. This was not a boy, but it was a man, standing before him.

"Severus, are you ready to take the mark?" the Dark Lord hissed.

"Yes, my lord."

"Do you devote your life to me?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Are you prepared to die at any given moment, if you betray me?"

"I shall never betray you my lord."

The snake-like human smiled. "Give me your arm Severus." Severus obliged. The dark wizard began, casting the spell which would forever mark the man. A searing pain went through Severus. He began to fall to his knees.

The scene changed quickly. Severus was in Hog's Head, listening intently to Sybil Trelawney. He hid behind a wall as he watched the woman erupt in a prophetical state. Her eyes appeared lifeless, and her mouth was wide open as if she were about to shriek. "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…" She wailed out the prophecy. The barman spotted Severus, and promptly threw him out of the bar.

In the next scene Severus reported the prophecy to the Dark Lord. Once more another stream of black smoke came rushing through the waters. It crashed down, revealing Severus kneeling before Voldemort. "There are two wizarding families who fit the requirements of the prophecy!" The Death Eaters cheered. "The Potters and the Longbottoms shall be punished. Their children shall not defy me!" The meeting went on. At the end Severus remained at the side of the Dark Lord.

"Severus, why are you staying? This is an occasion where you should be celebrating. Tell me, what is troubling you?" The Dark Lord's voice was filled with false concern.

"If it is not too much to ask…could you spare Lily Potter? She is not at fault."

"Severus, do you dare ask me of such a thing?"

"I am deeply sorry." He turned away.

"You are a faithful servant. I believe you do deserve a reward Severus. You are the one who brought me the prophecy. Very well, I shall spare the Mudblood."

"Thank you my lord."

"If she should stand in my way, you do know what I will do Severus." He only nodded. He was terrified, but he remained occluded. "Fancying the Mudblood…" Once again a puff of smoke consumed the scene.

The scenes continued on endlessly. The biography of Severus' life was like a tragedy. It was too unbelievable to be real, but too real to be fiction. Dumbledore had watched the boy's—no the man's life pass by. He pitied the man. He would never say it to Severus. His face had every emotion he felt, showing Severus how much he cared for him.

At the end Dumbledore watched Harry Potter holding Severus as he bled to death. He had never seen Severus cry before in this time. As Severus died Dumbledore felt every emotion Severus had felt. To his old body it was terrible, but nonetheless, tremendous. "Look at me," he heard the thirty eight year old Severus whisper. His head turned away after he stared into the boy's emerald eyes. His eyes closed as he died, content with the fact that in his dying moments he had finally done something right, and it was for the side of light, not dark.

Albus lifted his head out of the Pensieve. Severus was already waiting for him. The man's blue eyes were filled with tears. He felt something break inside of him. As he starred at Severus all he wanted to do was give the boy a better life, but it was impossible. "Severus…" He couldn't manage to say more. He walked over to his chair. He could no longer stand. He had felt sympathy for Severus. It was something he hadn't felt for anyone in a long time. "You have lived a hard life. I am sorry."

"I am here to change the course of time."

"You came here to me. After all this time, Severus?" It was impossible that he would come marching down so willingly to Dumbledore after he had lived his life a servant.

"Some things are too hard to avoid. Other things are too hard to let go. This is a combination of both. I fear that I have become an old dog. I cannot learn any new tricks."

"Severus, you know what you must do. There is no way of avoiding it. I truly regret this. You are the only one in these times who is experienced adequately enough."

"I will not go down that path again Albus. There must be another way. I did not come back here to do the wrong things once more."

"But this is not the wrong thing. It is hard to do what you think is right, but it is even harder to do what you know is right." He walked away from Dumbledore, knowing that what the man had said was true. "You must be a double agent once more Severus."

"I can't," he said as he walked down the stairs. His heart was telling him he couldn't, but his mind knew he had to. He couldn't do it because of Lily, but she was the very same reason why he had to. _Love is for fools. Love was never meant for a man like me. And yet, why can't I just stay away from it? _

"Very well, it is your choice Severus. I will not force you to do anything," he barely heard Dumbledore say as he reached the end of the steps. "The information you gave me will be used—" He could hear no more.

He had once again formed his hard shell. He tried to block out any feelings he had for Lily. If he fought in the war Lily would live this time. He only wanted her friendship and for her to live. He would tell himself over and over, until he could no longer force himself to believe it. He stood at the gargoyle. _I love you Lily. I'm doing this for you. It's the only reason why I do any of this. I just hope that one day you will know that. I hope one day after you think I betrayed you that once more you will be able to forgive me._ But what he would never admit to himself was that he hoped that she would leave everything behind, forget her happiness and find a new one with him. But he didn't deserve it. More so, she didn't deserve him, not when she had only hurt him, after he had devoted his life to her. Yet, that remained ignored by him.

* * *

A/N: Got bored of my usual Author's note? Well you know what to do with your questions.

I might not have a chapter up next Sunday due to a large pile of work that it stacked next to me.

On the bright side, there is none. Ha.

-E.S. Grey


	15. Chapter XV

XV

He couldn't help, but stare at Lily as she swayed her hips from side to side while she waited for Potter. She was beautiful, though he would never dare to admit it. He smiled a barely noticeable smile. What he wanted most was taboo, but unlike most people, what he needed most was just the same.

She started humming a sad melody, reflecting her every doubt. She turned around, seeing him standing there quietly, as if he weren't human. He pitifully turned away as he saw her smile. She walked over to him, hoping the he would keep her occupied as she waited for James. "Hi Sev. How long have you been standing there?"

_Over half an hour, but you wouldn't know, now would you? _"Not too long. Who have you been waiting for?" He wasn't interested in her reply. He was only glad that now she was talking to him, after decades of silence.

"James…but he hasn't showed up. He's probably with the Marauders. He's always late, so it doesn't matter. It's just a waiting game for now." She knew she sounded pitiful; waiting for a guy that would never show up was indeed pitiful.

"I best leave then. Have a _good _time with…Potter." He began to walk away from her. She quickly grabbed his hand, but he quickly pulled it away. He foolishly wanted something he would never have. There was no use tempting him to change it, because simply, he couldn't keep himself behaved if he was.

"Don't." He turned toward her and stared into her pleading eyes. "Stay. Please. I don't want to wait here…alone." She hoped he would stay. Knowing him, she knew that couldn't expect much with him. Not because he was spontaneous, but because he was unreadable.

He nodded once. She motioned to a bench. She sat closely to him; too close for his own sake. She heavily sighed in the midst of the silence between them. "Why do you wait for him?"

"You know the reason why Sev. You never need anything explained." _Maybe, it's because I don't know. I really don't know. _The realization confused her, but it hurt her even more so.

_On the contrary, everything involving you and Potter needs to be explained. I will never know the reason why you love the irresponsible, immature hooligan. Then again, you don't know anything he does behind your back. He must make it easy for you to love him so, doesn't he? _"I guess you're right."

She quickly made sure that the silence would be eradicated completely. The air was filled with their chatter, and her singsong laughter. She was having a great time talking to Severus, though he never did much talking. It was his small comments she enjoyed. They were not very humorous, but there was a slight pun in a select few. He was satisfied with himself, because he had made her wait happier. More so, he was content, because he was the one making her feel joyed. "He's really thankful for what you did for him. He would never say it though. I think he's a bit embarrassed by it."

_Think? Choose your words wisely. That Potter brat would never be thankful for what I did for him. I should have operated on his brain when I had the chance to. Maybe then he would be capable of thanking._ He further indulged on the cynical thoughts within his twisted maze of a mind and snorted."It wasn't a problem."

"Sev, thank you." He lifted his eyebrow in curiosity. "I'm glad that we spent this time together. I don't see you much anymore. Head girl duties are keeping me busy, and you seem busy yourself." She had only seen his cloak billowing behind him most times, but never his face. She had almost forgotten what his small smile looked like.

"I'm sorry about that. I have been occupied by _certain_ occurrences, which couldn't be avoided." He hoped his way with words would convince her enough to not pry.

"I wish you would just tell me what you are doing sometimes. I wish you weren't so…mysterious all of the time." A part hidden deep within her yearned for that mystery, but she could not let it rise to the surface.

"Sorry," he mumbled softly, turning away from her.

The wind began to blow against their skin. She looked at Severus unconsciously. A chill ran down her spine, winding its way back to the tip of her neck. "Severus." She moved even closer to him, instinctively, and reached over to him, attempting to turn his head toward her. But instead he reacted quickly and turned his head. Her hand was on his black velvety hair. "Hi." She smiled at him.

"Hi." He smiled slightly back at her. The closeness between them tempted him. She didn't move away from him. She too enjoyed the closeness between them. It was unbearable. Like fire, the feelings he had hoarded within him burned brightly and passionately. His normally cold body began to burn up, creating heat between them. The feelings she had felt between them only confused her more, but she couldn't let them escape, for they felt too great. She felt his warm chest, his heart pounding quickly right against her own. They stayed like that, tangled together in an awkward mass of human body parts, intertwined by misunderstood feelings. Somehow his hands found their way to her hips, slowly, gracefully, tempting her to no end. She flinched and then relaxed quickly into him as cold blots of electricity raced through her. She gently stroked his hair. "Do you love him?" It was the questions Severus had wanted to ask her, though he had always known the answer. She did not reply. Too captivated by the moment, they edged closer to each other, their lips millimeters apart.

"Snivellus!" Potter's annoying voice shrilled. "Get your greasy hands off of her and slither into that snake hole of yours!" Reality came crashing down upon them. He quickly stood up from the bench and looked at Lily, his eyes apologetic, but his mind cursing him for not kissing her. "And you—Lily, how could you—with the greasy snake?"

"James we didn't—" She was sobbing, trying to hold back anymore tears. Severus had never seen Lily regret something so much in her life. Lily truly felt like she shouldn't have asked Severus to wait with her. She knew they were a mistake; they always would be, no matter what. Thinking about it that way made her feel sick.

"There is no need to worry, Potter. I didn't steal some form of her _virtue_. It was simply a stupid mistake. Go take her now. Nothing would have happened, if you had showed up on time in the first place. Oh, but you aren't affiliated with the term 'being on time'. I am sorry for this mishap. I promise you…this will not happen again." He stormed off quickly, leaving the two to talk and eventually make up quickly with a heated kiss. Or so he expected them to.

* * *

He walked past Hagrid's hut. The half giant appeared. He looked at Severus, his face full of pity. Severus waved to him, and he mistook the wave, walking over to Severus quickly. "I saw what 'appened there. I'm sorry. I know yeh like Lils." He patted him on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over by accident. "Things will go yehr way one day."

"Is it really that obvious?" _I'm a bloody Hufflepuff now—great. When did I start showing affection? _

"Don't yeh worry, she doesn't know. She probably won't know, unless yeh tell her."

"She likes another man anyway. It doesn't matter. Unrequited love is truly terrible isn't it Hagrid? All emotions are terrible. They are meant for fools."

He frowned. "Do yeh want ta come in fer some tea? Maybe it'll relax yeh, or take yehr mind off things." He followed him into the house, walking through the long yellow uncut grass. Hagrid sat on his stool as Severus stood in his preferred position—arms crossed, spine straight and a scowl on his face, creating a darker ambiance in the room. "Yeh should really sit down."

"I can drink tea standing, thank you." That day the hut was filled with an unusual musky odor. As the tea brewed the herbal sent had begun to mix with the muskiness of the air, creating a pleasant sent. He finally gave in and sat on an old wooden crate, slightly slouching, his hair draping over his face as he stared into the muddy green colored tea. "Have you ever had feelings toward another person Hagrid?"

He was shocked at the question. "Ah, yes, once." He answered truthfully, hoping that it would satisfy Severus.

"Where is she now?"

"Too far away." He knew it meant that he didn't know where she had left. "It isn't that bad now."

_And, yet I've loved the same person my entire life, and it is still terrible—even more than terrible actually. What makes even more so is that she had been dead for the majority of it. They say love is a good thing. Whatever idiot said that must have been delusional beyond human possibility. _"How did you cope with it?" This was something he had wanted to know, because he had never found a great enough way to forget his heart long enough to live.

"I didn't. It just goes away one day, and yeh move on." He starred at the wall, thinking of why Severus had brought up questions like this. It wasn't like him. "Dumbledore told me about yeh." His brows shot up in shock. He had only wanted Dumbledore to know. "I won't tell anyone Sev'rus."

"Are you scarred of what I will do if you happen to let it…slip?"

He nodded. "Yeah, but I don't want yeh in the wrong hands this time."

"You're a good man Hagrid." His upper lip curled. He was happy that he had someone he could trust, and someone that could understand why he did all of this. Most of all, he was happy that he didn't have to hide it from the half giant.

"Yeh are too." Severus set down the old cream colored tea cup and walked toward the door. "Things will work out one day. Don't yeh worry about that." He closed the door as the last words faded behind him.

* * *

"Check mate," he said, proud of his third win. The shattered pieces of the white king scattered against the chess board. He looked up to see the woman's face twisted in awe. He smirked devilishly as she crossed her arms and huffed.

"I will never understand how you do that Sev!" She never had one a single game against him. "When are you going to teach me your little tricks?"

"Lily, if I did that then I wouldn't win? Where's the fun in that?"

"It doesn't matter now. I'll get you to teach me them some day. We have to go to Potions. If we're late maybe we'll finally get in trouble with Slughorn."

They left the board and its broken pieces on the large, brown table in the great hall. "Maybe we should learn to play a different game, since I keep beating you. It's getting quite tiresome."

"Bored of me already?" She asked with fake woe in her voice. When he didn't reply it had actually begun to upset her, though it normally wouldn't have. "Sev, you aren't getting bored of me, are you?"

"No Lily. I thought you knew I was only joking…"

She sighed in relief. _Good, he isn't tired of me, yet. Why is this worrying me? _Her thoughts were interrupted as Professor Slughorn's joyful voice greeted them.

"Severus, Lily, I'm glad you made it on time." They sat at their seats quickly. When they were ready Slughorn had begun talking about his lesson plan. "Today you shall be brewing this potion with your partner!" He pointed to a large phial, containing a simmering pink liquid. "Can anyone tell me what this potion is, just by its appearance?" Severus knew the potion well. It was one he had wanted to use thousands of times, but he never let himself, due to his morals. He raised his hand. "Ah, Severus, as usual, you are the only one who can answer." Dumbledore had obliviated Slughorn of the incident. It was better that way, for the both of them.

"It's Amortentia sir."

"Quite right, twenty points to Slytherin!" Afterwards, he began to further elaborate on his plan for the day, which was quite simplistic to both Severus and Lily. "You may now grab your ingredients!" He had finally finished droning.

They sat down with their ingredients in front them. "As you all know Amortentia is considered a love potion. But it only causes deadly obsession. I will collect these from you, grade them and then throw them out. I don't want you running around obsessed with each other." He chuckled and a few guilty snickers joined in. "This is a very dangerous potion. I suggest you all be very careful with it. You may now begin."

Lily and Severus began to chop, slice, dice and handle the potion's ingredients with great care. Severus placed the rose thorns into the cauldron carefully as Lily monitored the temperature. Soon after, Lily added the ashwinder eggs while Severus stirred seven times counter clockwise and then once clockwise. Severus lowered the temperature while adding honey and peppermint to the mixture. Lily smiled as she watched him. She knew he was better at potions than she was, but she would never care to admit it. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Lily began chopping the jonquil, but Severus quickly stopped her. "You are doing it inadequately. Furthermore, the book is incorrect."

"Ah yes, the great potions master finally finds yet another way to correct the book. Show me wise one, how do you correctly preform this oh so difficult task?" He was aggravated by her, but at the same time he found it pleasantly hilarious. If one of his students had talked to him like this they would have lost points and served a detention gutting stonefish, and harvesting their minute eggs.

At first, on an impulse he wanted to step behind her. But he wouldn't let his teenage hormones get in the way. He placed his hands on top of hers after grabbing a fresh bunch of the yellow and white jonquil flowers. He helped her chop them, in the process of showing her how to. She blushed unknowingly as he showed her. Their hearts began to beat as equally as hard and fast. Her face grew redder until they parted. "Yes, well I think you have gotten the hang of it." He was embarrassed by his sudden action.

Once their potion was finished they drew closer to it. The mother of pearl sheen ensured that it was brewed correctly. As they leaned in closer they wanted it more, the lust taking control of them. Their senses yearned for the deadly potion. Lily had stopped a second after Severus. She realized something horrific. She smelled it once more, unable to stop. It smelled of old parchment, the lake on Spinner's end, cinnamon, a slight hint of musk and a pleasant herbal mixture. Her heart pounded in her chest harder, the worry swallowing her whole, until finally something broke within her. It felt as if her entire body were smoldering as she stood next to her potions partner. Desire boiled within her as the fumes made her lose control. Drinking it would prove fatal, but smelling it caused you to realize something incomprehensible. She uttered his name in a tone so low that it remained unheard. She never wanted things to escalate this far. Things started out so innocently and unintentionally. How could they rise to this level so quickly? _Why do I smell him? _

He smelled old parchment, an old willow tree, vanilla, oranges and a slight hint of patchouli. It was a divine smell. He smiled and closed his eyes, thinking of Lily. He would always smell her in the potion. He hadn't smelled Amortentia for so long, fearing that he would no longer be able to smell her. It was a gratifying feeling. He didn't think about her death, or the day they had ended their friendship. He thought of the beggings they had shared, the new things they had experienced and of the way they were, before life became complicated. Smelling it and looking at her, he made a rash decision. He couldn't avoid it any longer. After class he would start something he had feared for. He would let himself sink.

Their senses came back, but they were not the same. She was confused, and he taken aback. How long could this last, before they would fall? In a matter of moments things could collapse with their lust and confusion, because self-control could never last. And finally when they would break, they would let euphoria take over until eternity would cease. But the question remained—could they ever let it happen, or will they simply forget what was between them?

* * *

His heavy footsteps filled the large, old room. The headmaster's ornate desk stood in front of him and behind it an old bearded man. His caring blue eyes studied Severus carefully. "Why have you come here, my boy? You have the tendency to appear here, out of the blue. Would you like some tea? I do have quite a bit of time on my hands today."

"No thank you Albus. But I do need the time." He sat down in front of him, his face showing the seriousness of his thoughts. "I am sure you have not forgotten about our recent conversation. This shall revolve around that."

He put his arms on the desk, one hand on the other. "This is a very serious situation. It is not the best to involve someone so…young."

"I am not young, if you have forgotten. I have experience. I know what I am foolishly getting myself into. I have fought, I will fight again. I have served, and I assure you, I can serve once more. This isn't a silly game of chess anymore. Your pawn is invaluable now. There is only power in the form of knowledge and those without it. You either use me to the fullest extent, or you watch this world crumble before you feat." His voice never wavered.

"I don't want to get you into something you want to stay far away from. I know why you are doing this. But ask yourself this—is it worth it? After all, you already have her."

"I shall not have her, until I see him dead—permanently. What is the point of my being here, returning to this time, if I just let the war pass by? It would end up the same. If I don't stop this, then who will? In time you would come to me, attempt to manipulate me and use the other members of your order as your puppets. I'm here now, letting you become a puppet master once more. I will not grovel on the floor and beg. This will be my final offer."

"Severus, my boy, do you know that once you agree, you cannot turn back? There are no second chances in this war. There is only life, death and those lucky enough to avoid this war completely." He put his hand on the man's shoulder, gripping it tightly. "We cannot lose such a great mind in this war."

"We also cannot lose countless lives to a sadistic maniac. I had stayed alive for decades last time. I will last that long, if not more. We have him in the palm of our hands, and he is not aware of it. Albus, we must take our positions now."

"Are you sure?" Severus nodded, but angered himself in doing so. As much as he detested it, he had to, because if he didn't then Lily would end up dying either because of her son, or because he was carless for the second time. He could not allow that to happen.

"Do not doubt me Albus. It will never get you anywhere. I am completely sure that I will do this. It is not a matter of what I want, or need. It is something far greater than that at this point."

"You do know what you need to do Severus. And when you do it, then I will know what your true intentions are. Until then, do not contact me. Show your hatred. Become the stereotype. The moment you seem to be engulfed by the dark you need to report to me. I will owl you when we must talk. If you are in trouble contact me with your Patronus. You know the rest I am sure."

"Yes, unfortunately, I am well aware of what lies ahead of me." It's harder to dive head first into something knowing what to expect, than diving head first into something without the slightest idea of what will happen. He was sure he would hurt Lily in the process of this. But one day when this would be over he would prove trustworthy.

He stood from the chair and starred Albus in the eyes. "No one must know. Promise me you will not tell anyone about this. I already know that you have told Hagrid."

"You have no need to worry about that Severus. I will never reveal the best of you, if that is truly what you wish."

"I am not a hero." _I am an antihero. I am doing this for my own selfish reasons. I'll save lives, yes, but I won't be doing it for the sake of humanity. _

"Yes, but you also are not a coward. The sorting hat can never tell you that." Severus began to leave. "Severus, do not forget yourself when you are in his presence. He is captivating. Sometimes it is too hard not to sway into things so tempting." The color drained from his face as the words were spoken. "Be safe Severus."

"I have no other choice." He left the room, his dark tinged aura following him. Fools throw themselves into battle, complete and utter morons stay away from the battles they know they can win. He had made the same mistake twice, coming to Dumbledore, asking for the same thing once more. But here, two wrongs made the greatest right of all.

* * *

A/N: Hello readers. I expect many hate comments. Go ahead, barrage me. I am prepared. But I ask you, to try and look past it. Think about the quality of the writing, before you tell me how much you hate it.

I am sorry. A thousand times I will apologize. Next week is my birthday. If I am in a good mood I will post two chapters on Sunday.

-E.S. Grey


	16. Chapter XVI

XVI

Love—untainted, blissful love—how exactly had it gotten easily stereotyped as something so unreachable? Like fools, people chased after the dream, only yearning for the great feeling it was said to give. And yet, somewhere, it had abruptly turned into something incomprehensible, for it was no longer as pure as it was said to be. Lily no longer knew what it was, because she had seen how acerbic it had turned in her heart. _Life was so simple when I was younger. When I had just met Severus everything was so magical, almost like a fairy tale. I thought it was going to be easier now, and it was for a time. Why did he come back into my life? _

Lily looked at Severus, stealing a peek at him from the corner of her book. She found her lips had begun to curl into a smile, blushing at the realization she turned to her book once more. She chastised herself mentally, and then denied ever doing such an absurd thing in the first place. Every few minutes she would look over the corner of her book. She began to memorize every aspect of his face. His long, sleek black hair shined marvelously as the candle light flickered in the library. His face was angular, and his cheek bones high, but she liked the way his features worked together, creating an almost exotic look, in her opinion. His large, hooked nose didn't bother her. Whenever he would scrunch his nose she would think it was cute in a way only Severus could make it be.

Her favorite part of him was his eyes. The black epitome of his most confusing, and sublime emotions had always left her awe stricken. They were the only way that she could tell whether he was truly as cold as he led people to believe, or whether underneath the many feet of ice he had encased himself in, was a fire burning brightly with raw emotion. His eyes were singlehandedly the thing that had made her trust him the day she had met him. She still remembered them perfectly. That day they were distinctly filled with hope, compassion, worry, regret and one emotion she could never quite understand. And now, there was still the little boy she met long ago hidden in his eyes.

She could never let herself admit what she had begun to feel. The emotions stirring inside her were something that had begun to cause the world she grew accustomed to, to crumble. She didn't want a strange newness. She liked the way things were when they were so much easier. Why were things always so complicated with Severus? And yet, the complications hadn't driven her away from him. Their effect was the exact opposite. She denied letting herself begin to fall prey to the intimidating master and she deluded herself into believing things hadn't changed all too much. But there were always the moments when her walls would begin to cave in. Once more she turned away from him, confident that he hadn't noticed.

But he knew she was looking at him. Yet he was sure it was only his imagination toying with him.

Skillfully, he looked at her from the corner of his book, barely moving his head to see her. He loved her fiery red hair, which burned as brightly as her personality. He loved her cream colored skin, and every freckle that covered her face. But those emerald green eyes were the thing he loved about her most. They captivated him; if he were to stare into them for long enough he was sure that he would lose himself, forget the world, and enter a state so full of sheer bliss that he would never be able to look away. To save himself from that fate he closed his eyes before trying to distract himself with a book.

An owl flew in, crashing to the table, scattering the papers across the floor. "Bloody bird, it should consider itself lucky that I won't kill it…yet," he muttered under his breathe, angry that the bird interrupted him as he read an intriguing passage.

The yellow envelope had her name scribbled messily on its front. She hastily grabbed it, and the owl flew away, crashing into the wall behind them. "Maybe killing it would put it out of its own _unfortunate_ misery," she heard him sneer.

She ripped apart the envelope violently, and snatched the paper out of it. She began to read the letter, seeing that it was clearly from James. Severus peered over his book, trying to see what the contents of the letter were.

_Lily, my love, _

_ Would you meet me at the Black Lake? Wear something warm. I love you, with all my heart. _

_ -James_

She smiled as she finished reading the letter. She looked at Severus, who was preoccupied with his lengthy novel. "I'm sorry, I have to go." She crumpled the letter quickly. She grabbed her things and bolted out of the room, leaving a frustrated Severus alone in the candlelit library. Normally he would have followed her, but if he were to get caught, which was highly unlikely, she wouldn't talk to him for days. He let out a breath of air as he watched her turn past the cream colored column.

* * *

She walked to the frozen lake. Her breath turned white as it hit the cold air. James was nowhere to be seen. "Bullocks," she shouted when she ran into a bush, being too preoccupied by looking for him. She continued walking down the frosted pathway, hoping she would find him soon.

He watched her as she walked closer toward him. He snickered as he watched her stumble across the pathway. She wasn't perfect, yet he loved every flaw she held, and accepted her for who she was. He stepped onto the pathway, waiting till Lily would see him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she held him there, not wanting him to let go. "Glad to see me?"

"No, it's just freezing," she giggled. He pulled her closer to him as her teeth clattered. Warmth began to engulf her just as he let go of her. "Why did you want me to come?"

"Are you saying that it isn't my divine right to ask the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet to meet me whenever I choose? Because last time I checked, I believe I had that power at my disposal."

"Arrogant man," she snorted.

"That I am." He was happy, proud even.

"Now answer my question. Why am I here on such a gloriously cold day?" She crossed her arms and thoroughly rubbed them.

A pair of white ice-skates appeared in his hands, the skates' blades shimmering in the afternoon sun. "You told me that you used to go ice-skating every winter up until sixth year. I thought you might want to renew that tradition with me, or at least I hope you will." He sounded oddly unconfident of himself. Lily had changed since Severus had plunged into her life. Now, he didn't know what she wanted from him, because it always seemed like the other man had given it to her already.

She placed her hand on his cheek, trying to comfort him. It was the unspoken words that she had heard. "Of course I would! You're great, you know that?"

He smiled widely. "Well come on try them on. I know you want to." He handed her the skates, and she sat on the ground, putting them on carefully. They fit perfectly on her feet. While she put her skates on, he transfigured his shoes in a pair of black skates. He gave his hand to her and helped her up. "Shall we?"

She nodded. They both stepped on the frozen lake, nearly stumbling together as they lost their balance. She let go of him and began to glide gracefully on the frosted green colored ice. Impressively, she skated past him. Daringly, he followed her. He caught up with her quickly. He was not as graceful, nor as good as skating as she, but it didn't matter one bit.

"You're wonderful," he said through his heavy breathes, as she passed him once more. he gave up skating a several minutes later. He sat on the edge of the lake, watching the beautiful woman before him skate is if she were a professional. As he watched he put his hand into the pocket of his coat, hoping that the object that had lied confined in it hadn't fallen out. Happily, it hadn't fallen. He smiled wider.

She saw him sitting there, watching her hungrily, for a moment she thought it were Severus instead. He was always in her mind, infesting her thoughts, and now it seemed that he had begun to encompass her so, that her world melted into a mirage. She bit her lip hard and once more she saw James watching her. And then, there Severus was, next to her, skating beside her, slightly smiling and then nodding before he passed her swiftly. She thought of the first time they skated together, she could never forget.

_A boy and a girl stood at the lake on Spinner's end. It was a cold January Day. "You're insane!" an eleven year old Severus shouted at her. An eleven year old Lily forced a pair of skates into his hands. "I'm not going to even try." It was the first winter break from Hogwarts they shared, but it was also the last._

_ "You're then one who's insane. Now come one, put them on. You'll like it more than you think you will. Stop being so stubborn," she huffed. "The lake isn't dangerous. I do this every year, and I'm not dead."_

_ "Yet," he finished for her. She rolled her eyes. He gave into her and put them on. As soon as he stood he met the ground. "I can't even bloody stand on these. Do you want me to die today?" _

_ She helped him up, and held onto her for balance. "There you go, now we just have to get onto the lake and everything will be easy after that. You'll be okay, Sev." _

_ He followed her like a lost pup onto the lake. He wobbled with every inch he moved. "If I die you are going to my funeral. You are not allowed to bring Tuney, but your parents are just fine."_

_ "Always the drama queen." He glared at her spitefully. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry." She raised her hands in the air. "Now come on, I know you got a skater somewhere in you." He only stumbled. She skated over to him, and grabbed his hand. "Here like this." She showed him slowly, and he intently watched her feet. As he mimicked her they skated hand in hand, Severus was a bit clumsy, but improved with every passing minute. "You're doing so well! I knew you could do it." _

_ He snorted, and then held her hand tighter. They skated together. A middle aged woman walked by, stopping to look at the children before her. After a few moments she recognized they dark haired boy as the dingy boy who lived next door. She had never once in her life seen him so happy. Lily saw the women standing there and waved to her. The women quickly left, embarrassed. _

_ "Why are you waving?" He looked at her confusingly and then looked to the direction she was waving, but no one stood there._

_ Lily did not answer. _

_ Later they were sitting next to each other in the snow. Severus took his skates off roughly, unable to wear them from the pain they caused. "Did you like it?" she asked him hopefully. He didn't reply. "I'm taking your silence as an 'I loved it'." His upper lip curled. They both started shivering from the cold. He looked at her. Something stirred inside of him oddly. Spontaneously he planted a kiss on her cheek. He turned away from her shyly, angry with himself that he had done that. Unexpectedly, she planted a kiss on his cheek in return. Foolishly, they both blushed, their faces turning even redder than they were just moments ago. Time passed silently as they held hands on that cold January evening. For two children, so young, that day had meant something so ginormous to them. _

Foolishly she smiled widely and blushed at the reminiscence, touching the very spot on her cheek that Severus had kissed so many years ago. Luckily, James was too thick headed and thought that she was blushing because he had been watching her so lustfully. He motioned for her to sit next to him on the cold ground. She quickly skated over to him, impressively stopped as the ice flew in the direction left of James. "You're beautiful."

She sat next to him, and James put his arm over her shoulders. Her hair blew with the slight breeze. Lily was the most beautiful woman he had ever encountered in his life, and he wasn't about to let that go. Like the brave and romantic Gryffindor he was, he grabbed her swiftly, and right there on the cold ground he captured her lips fervently. They hadn't kissed in weeks, and he could no longer contain his urges.

Lily felt passion, love and want from him as he kissed her hungrily. She wrapped her arms around him, letting herself drift further into the sea he engulfed her in. But she failed to drown in him. Through every ounce of raw feelings he showed her and through every drop of need, she felt like she was floating in the waters mindlessly, rather than drowning in his passionate display. Toward the end, she stopped kissing him back. She parted from him, gasping for air. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too." It came out automatically, but with very little emotion. All of this had seemed so different. No longer did she feel the same for him, and it pained her that she didn't. She wanted so desperately to have those feeling burning brightly within her once more. She cared for him, yes, but what else is it now? Is that where it ends? She was completely lost, so unsure of herself and for once in her life truly and utterly terrified because of it.

Foolishly, James thought everything was the same. He felt as he if he loved her more than ever, and was sure that she felt the same, no matter his brief moments of uncertainty. Courageously, he began to speak his heart, and nothing, but it. "Lily, the day I met you the first thing I thought was, 'Merlin, she's beautiful'. I'm not going to lie, I fell hard and fast for you. I wanted you to feel the same for me, as I felt for you. It took time, but it eventually happened. Lily, I love you more than anything else in this world. I cannot live without you." He got on one knee, and took the black box out of his pocket, opening it to reveal a beautiful silver ring with an impressive diamond, beautifully perched on it. "Will you marry me?" he asked smiling hopefully.

Little did they know of the horrified man watching this take place. Just as the many years before, he watched the woman drift further away from him. Severus Snape was a broken man, so completely shattered that it would be impossible to put him back as the same person once more. Even if someone would manage it, there would still be large noticeable cracks left on him. His hands went completely numb, his eyes began to fill with tears that never spilled over and his heart, his poor darkened heart broke for yet another time, and he was sure it would infinitely do the same for the rest of his miserable life. He left them, unnoticed, praying the God above that this was a nightmare and nothing more; that he were dead, lying in limbo once more, as Dumbledore urged him to take the second chance behind his cautious words. Fate had always dealt him a foul hand.

Lily looked at James, aghast at his words. "James—I—I—"words failed her. She opened her mouth once more, but nothing came out. All she thought about was how she couldn't, how she shouldn't, and how easily she could fall into this. In spite of the life she had so carefully planned, she could only think of the one person who darkened her light so gloriously.

"Lily what is it? Tell me…please." _Damn it Lily, I loved you. _

"I can't do this James. I just—I need to think. I need time. This—this isn't easy. Please, I need you to understand. I—I care for you, but I need time for this all to sink in before I can say anything." _Will I ever have the answer? Or will it always be I don't know? I thought that this was supposed to be easy, that the 'yes' would come out almost too quickly._

"Lily, you said you used love me. Why can't you say yes?" He closed the box, put it in his pocket and stood up. Lily then stood up.

"James, please just understand." She knew he wouldn't.

"I can't I love you Lily. I thought you loved me too."

"I care for—love you James I do. It's just—"

"—just that you don't. Lily, you said you cared for me. That isn't the same thing. If you want time, you can have it. I'll wait, but I can only wait so long." He was broken. For the first time in his entire life James Potter hadn't gotten something he so dearly wanted. Lily too was broken, but it was because of herself that was indeed broken.

Lily walked passed him, feeling tears coming she wiped her eyes and began running soon as she was far enough away from him. She ran through the empty corridors of Hogwarts, purposely trying to avoid the students so they wouldn't see her in tears. She ran through the abandoned Ravenclaw hallway. At its end she saw him, the man who had changed her forever, and no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't hate him for it. "Severus," she choked out through her tears.

He turned to see her completely broken down. He had expected to see her happy. She reached out toward him, before her legs finally gave in. He caught her before they sank to the floor together in a heap of sorrow. He held her close to him, stroking her hair. He had always wanted her in his arms, and now he had her, but he never wanted her in his arms like this. "Lily-pad, what's wrong? Please, tell me. I can't stand you like this." For the first time since he had returned, he did not cry with her or for her. Finally the emotional surge had left him.

"Everything is wrong." Before continuing she held onto him tighter like a drowning woman, holding onto dear life with every ounce of strength she had left in her worn down body. "He—James proposed. I said no. Sev, I told him I needed time. He took at as a no. I just didn't know what to say to him. This is so hard." _It's hard because every time I think of him I think of you too. Why—bloody why did you have to do this to me? _"I'm doing everything wrong. But I can't do thing the right way either. Everything in world isn't right anymore." She looked into his dark eyes searching for salvation. "Sev, am I doing the right thing?"

"Only time will show if you're doing the right thing," he replied in a Dumbledore-esque manner. _Just don't go back to him. Stay here in my arms forever and never, not once leave me. _

"You're right. You always are. I should listen to you more often," it escaped her mouth full of sorrow. She didn't like to admit it, but every time Severus told her something, she knew he was right. She was nothing but a thick headed Gryffindor, just like he had said the others were.

"Don't worry Lily. You'll…make it through this. I…know you can…do this." He struggled comforting her. He was inexperienced in that certain area.

"Thank you," she whispered into his ear. Her warm breath tingled on his skin. She continued crying in his arms, her tears soaking his robes, but he didn't care. Every once in a while he would wipe her tears away and smile at her pitifully. He hoped not a soul would happen to wander into the hallway and find them there.

Soon she drifted from reality and entered her dreams. The last thought in her mind was how wonderful it felt to have his strong arms wrapped around her. She slept in his arms comfortably. Severus planted a kiss on the top of her head, muttering a small "I love you," before he drifted to sleep as well. At the end of the day he finally had Lily in his arms, and he was sure he would never let go.

Their hearts beat against each other steadily. Soon their beats nearly synchronized in their blissful sleep. She breathed on him, and he her. They fell would fall onto the floor, Severus still clutching her to his chest. Not once did they turn or wake up in the midst of the night. The floor was hard, but having each other made it comfortable.

That morning they found themselves together. Awkwardly they left each other. Just as Lily would walk down the halls she remembered her dream of Severus telling her he loved her. Through her sorrow she blushed at the thought. It had taken her too much time to finally reach an epiphonic state. Suddenly, it all seemed so clear why her world was forever changed, and why she would never let it go back to the way it was. Strangely she stopped denying it, and hoped with the rest of hope she had left inside her, that she wouldn't let something like that go. She intended not to.

* * *

A/N: My birthday may or may not be today or tomorrow. But as a birthday present, I would love to have many reviews, favorites, and/or follows. One can only dream.

Did you like it? I hope you did.

Another update will come tomorrow.

-E.S. Grey


	17. Chapter XVII

XVII

There are a lot of things that Severus Snape would have done differently in his life. There were so many mistakes he had made—or rather, one large mistake, unparalleled by any other, which caused a domino effect, until the very last few moment of his life. But as he sat on the Hogwarts express once more, for the first time in over a decade, he finally felt as if he couldn't make a single mistake in that moment.

Lily lied against his shoulder, sleeping soundly. He had not yet found a dose of tiredness enough to bring him to sleep. Every now and again Lily would snore; stir a bit in her sleep and then calm down. He put his left hand in her hair; slowly and carefully stroked the silky fire-like strands. She looked so peaceful and vulnerable as she slept. He smiled to himself, before chasing away the thoughts which infested his mind. Lily had shared a compartment with him, for James and her had hit a very rough patch, she didn't know who else would accept her, seeing that he had told most of the school's population that it was over, and there was one reason which was the most important to her.

He looked out the window; trees sat upon rolling hills and passed by quickly as the train sped on. The night sky was covered by clouds. Lightning hit the ground in a bright flash of purple and thunder soon followed. Rain began to bead on the large windows. One more pang of thunder erupted through the train. He felt the weight rise off of him. "What's happening?" Lily had awoken startled.

"We're clearly having…wonderful weather," he replied sardonically.

She leaned her head against him. "You make a wonderful pillow." He snorted at the comment, thinking it absurd. She stroked his arm lightly, before lifting her fingers from him, mentally chastising herself. She opened her mouth to say something, but the compartment's door slid open before she had a chance to say a word.

A middle aged woman appeared. "Anything from the trolley?" She looked upon the two expectantly. She stood there, ignored by the two. "Anything from the trolley?" she repeated once more patiently.

Lily snapped up. "Oh—um—some jelly slugs would be fine. Thank you." She handed her fourteen knuts, and then turned to Severus. "Do you want anything?" He shook his head. The woman with the trolley pushed the cart away.

Lily waved the light green colored candy in front of Severus. "Come on, you know you want some." She took one slug and chewed it happily. "Mmm. It tastes so good Sev."

"Stop trying to…convince me. I am not a child. You know very well that I don't like sweets. Go on, you can eat the vile substance on your own." He crossed his arms defiantly.

"Have you ever tried one?"

"No, but—" he said idiotically. She shoved a gummy slug into his mouth before he could continue. Unlike himself, he consumed the candy. "Never do that again." he scowled at her.

"Oh you know you liked it." She resumed her position, leaning on him as if he were a wonderfully comfortable pillow. He put his hand out and she handed him the slug on call. She had finally found something that he liked. "I win." She smiled.

They were nearing the end of their train ride, though secretly they were both hoping it wouldn't end. "My _mum_ hasn't seen you in a long time, Sev." It was hard for Lily to simply say one of her parents. She was used to having both. Though she had lost her father months ago, it felt as if it only had happened days ago.

"I'm well aware of that Lils." He looked back at the past, remembering the last time he saw her parents. _Her father was in his coffin, his face pale and the smell of death emitted from his body. His eyes were closed; Lily had gotten her eyes from her father._ He remembered hiding behind a tree silently, waiting till the service ended._ When the people filed away he walked toward the grave. He left just as he heard someone walking toward him from a distance._ And then, he remembered seeing her mother in that same manner, only a year and one day after. _He watched as several men carried a coffin to the ground. He felt tears coming, but they never truly did. She had always been a second mother to him. After the service he left three dark magenta colored roses on her grave, as they had always been her favorite. _

"Do you want to see her? She would be happy to see you. I'm sure of it. It would take her mind off of things…"

Severus wasn't sure how to comfort her. He had comforted her once before, and it was only because she had flung herself into his arms, before he had the slightest chance to react to her. "I have to go home before I visit."

"Thank you," she smiled a tiny smile sadly. She snuggled closer to him. Closing her eyes briefly, she waited for the train ride to come to a quick ending. As the train was brought to a stop the wheels screeched loudly, but neither he nor she shifted. They waited till the last person had gotten out of the train, before they finally took their bags and headed for the exit.

* * *

Severus stood in front of a rather old building: Just at the edge of the pathway he had stopped, before he would do anything ludicrous. A pale yellow house stood in front of him. The roof was dilapidated, the grass long an unkempt, the windows were covered by a thick layer of dust and the chimney's bricks had long ago started to fall from their position. He dared to call this hazardous and dreadful place his home.

And so, with a few ounces of bravery, he stepped toward the door, grabbed the door handle and twisted it till he heard a loud click. He stepped over the threshold. The house smelled of mold and whisky—a smell that he had made sure he would never smell again in his life, up until this moment. He stood still in the dark room.

He shut the door behind him and then looked around—nothing. He climbed up the stairs reluctantly, masterfully making sure that not an old step would creak beneath his feet. Once he got to his room, which was on the farthest corner of the small upper floor of the house, he put his shrunken suit case on his cot. Slyly, he made his way back down the steps.

There was only three meters separating him from the door. Anticipation never tasted so sweet. One steps, two, three, he continued on counting satisfyingly, until five steps away from the door he heard the clumsy footsteps of a fully inebriated man tumble through the house in a large ruckus. He swore rather loudly, before turning to something that even in his adult life had found a way to terrify him.

There a tall, slowly balding man with black hued grey, greasy hair, a hooked nose and a large half-drunken bottle of whiskey stood at the corner or the living room, holding onto the wall. "What 'ya doin' 'ere boy? I thought I said not ta come back 'ere! What kind 'a idiot are ya?" His words were unbelievably slurred to a point where only Severus could understand them. He looked at his son with his blood shot eyes emotionlessly. He took a swig from his bottle and belched loudly. You could smell the whisky on him from any room in the house. Whatever intellect he had possessed in the past was long gone. The horrid man was Tobias Snape—the man he had unfortunately called his father, but only by blood.

"You shouldn't worry about seeing me too frequently around here. I have things to do. In fact, I was about to leave. So, if you don't mind, I will leave. I would _appreciate_ it if you would turn around, stop drinking that corrupting drink and possibly cease to exist in the time I am gone." He turned to the door handle.

"Don't ya leave just yet. Yer mother ain't 'ere no more. Put on your apron and go make me some dinner!" He had grown accustomed to shouting orders at any woman, and Severus. "What ya waitin' for? I'm not ready ta starve ta death!" His stomach growled hungrily at the words.

"I will do no such thing." His father's mighty fist came quickly, and even quicker came Severus' hand to block it. He pushed his father to the wall menacingly. The glass bottle slipped from his father's hand, crashing against the floor, causing the shattered glass to scatter. "I'm not who I used to be _father,_" he spat venomously. "There is a certain person who taught me about torture. Throw a fist at me once more, and you will regret it you drunken halfwit. I'm sure you will not remember this, as your brain has turned to slush by now—all the better. This only ensures that I will get to taste the sweet taste of revenge." He took his wand out of his pocket, and jabbed it into his father's neck as a warning. "I urge you not to forget." He added even more pressure the single spot. "I can take your life away swiftly…" He put his wand down, before walking into the kitchen.

He came back to the man, who was still shivering with fear. He threw a broom and dust pan at him. "What do I do wit' it? This is a woman's job!" He fumbled the broom, confused with the simple stick with overused bristles at its end.

"It isn't obvious, is it?" He paused after his mordant comment. "Do the woman's jobs as you say. You are worth nothing more, nor do you even deserve to clean up your own mess."

"You speakin' French boy?"

"Now." His voice was at the dangerously low and quiet level he had used in his classroom while teaching. Smirking, he walked toward the kitchen. If his muggle father succeeded with the simple task he would reward him with a meal, if he could fashion one out of the few things in the fridge and cupboards.

As the pasta boiled and the vegetables roasted in the oven he brought his attention to the many areas of the kitchen where his father had foolishly stowed a massive amount of liquor. He opened each and every area where he found the liquor. With a flick of a wand they all shrunk at once, and with a second flick they all floated gracefully into the garbage can. The bottles were more worthless than garbage, and the liquid inside them even more so.

It had taken him a full hour before the food was finally finished. He carried a large bowl and a plate over to a table, whose paint had long ago peeled away. He heard snoring erupt through the house loudly. He went over to a worn out couch in his living room. His father lied on the floor, anchoring his head on the couch's arm rest. He pondered on the best way to wake his father up. _Perhaps I should bring his food and drop it over his head. It would be amusing to see if he would eat it off the floor. _But something possessed him to walk over to the only bookshelf in the room. He grabbed a thick book, which was bound in black leather.

Like he had done with his many he students, he lifted his arm and hit his father upside the head with the book. His father screamed at that startling and painful wake up call. "What do ya think you're doin' boy?"

"I somehow created a meal for you; though I rather watch you starve and die a slow, agonizingly painful death."

His father darted out of the room suddenly. The sounds of regurgitation echoed through the house. Once his father had brushed his teeth he stumbled over to Severus. "Ya shouldn't treat your father like that if ya know what's best fer ya."

"Ah, but what could a decrepit drunk man do to his son? I have warned you once. Consider yourself lucky that I am in a good mood—good enough to not act upon certain occurrences." He looked at his father more closely. Age was evident on the man's face. His once vibrant blue eyes were now bloodshot and clouded with his drunkenness. Just as he was to further elaborate on his previous statements, Severus heard a very quiet scratching noise. At first it was very slight, but his will adept ears could hear it well. Then, it became a ruffling sound, followed by a distinct hooting.

"What is tha' boy? Is it your magical crap?" Severus sent him a petulant look. "Ah, don' look at me tha' way boy! Ya well know it's crap!" He started laughing at his son. 'Doesn' even know what da hell kind of crap hocus-pocus is. What a moron I've made."

"So now you are calling me your son? Admitting it now, are we? Who would have thought you would ever say those words. How touching." He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall tired of the incessant argument, yet unable to stop himself from the pleasure it was to anger his father so.

His father was too caught up in the argument that he didn't notice a small brown owl float past his head and onto the banister behind him. The owl's yellow eyes watched them intently as the two men fought through words, not fists—a rarity in the Snape household. "What does it matter anyway?" he asked nonchalantly. The alcohol had finally fled his system enough. "Ya think I care?"

Severus scoffed. "Care would be an enormous overstatement. I think blatantly disregard is the perfect way to state it." For a long time they stared at each other; the owl's gaze intensified. His father, who looked tired of the events, had sat down on the pale brown, old, wooden floor, not bothering to walk the three steps to the couch, yet his gaze never faltered. "Old codger," Severus whispered.

The man was infuriating, improper, ill-mannered, simplistic, and wasteful and so many other hateful things that Severus could waste his life spending time on describing him. His father's clothes were ragged; long being worn out from overuse, his skin was slightly tan, but covered in a layer of disturbing grease and his old hands were curled up, stiff and calloused from the work he had used them for in previous years. The man was broken down, but held onto his strength as if it were the only thing he had left. When Severus was young he thought his father had drunk because he had done something wrong—his thoughts quickly changed. When he got older, precisely on his ninth birthday he knew his father drunk because there was nothing in his father's life. His father had given up to easily. Once Severus' mother died his father drank more, it seemed that he had actually cared for her. It was odd to think of it that way, but through the abuse of alcohol Severus had finally begun to understand his father's emotions. It was strange that in the oddest and most unwanted of situations you could learn more about life, and the people around you than in the time you actually spend with them. Things in this world are beyond comprehension; simply understanding something in this world is one thing, but truly knowing and feeling it under your skin is another.

Severus put his arms down, and closed his eyes. He was tired of the fighting and the relentless hate they held for each other. No, he would never love his father, it was a waste of time; it was a waste of energy to keep on quarreling like that. "Get up," he muttered, walking away from the room. His father looked at him in shock, but soon followed. It was unexpected, so much so that Severus himself wasn't completely aware of his own refusal to continue the quarrel. He pulled a chair out roughly and sat in it. His father quickly sat down as well. "Not a word." His voice was threatening. His father decided to leave it be.

They ate their meal in silence. The only noises were the clatter of forks and knives against grey ceramic plates, and the sound of a small animal of the avian variety scavenging throughout the house in search of food. Patiently the bird waited for Severus to pay any amount of attention to him. Little did the owl know that Severus was fully aware of it, and that he was waiting for the right moment to make his way to his room to see what the bird held for him. And so, the brown bird kept on staring at him intensely, waiting and following the task it was sent out to do ever so zealously. A tiny hooting began to go through the household, but his father did not respond to it, as if it were normality.

Slowly, but surely his father had grown annoyed at his pretending to ignore what was going on. Aggravated, he began to tap his fingers against the rim of his chair. One last hoot was what had done it. "Boy, tell me what that noise is or I'll shoot you!"

Severus only snorted, slightly amused by his father's impatience. "If you are so intrigued by the mundane thing, then why don't you simply prance over to the thing creating the noise and shoot it instead?" As if the owl had understood what Severus had said, it flew up the stairs quickly. Severus smirked and pushed his plate away.

"Worthless…" His father continued eating his meal. Eventually, he was satisfied that the noise had fled. He starred at his empty plate before leaving the dirty dishes for Severus to clean. How he had gotten through life so far was a mystery to Severus. Though without a doubt, he knew that someone had come to help his hopeless father every so often, or his house would have been filled to the brim with filth by then. "Quit watchin' me. Go stare at somethin' else." The air had an odd component in it. The feel of another fight brewing had sent Severus away from his father. He had learned enough to know that an unwanted battle was never worth fighting, because in the end it would only end up hurting both sides for a foolish and worthless cause.

Night was nearing. The sounds of the animals that weren't affected by the cold began to resonate through the air, somehow entering the house through the small cracks in the kitchen's door. Just as he had done earlier that day, he walked up the creaky staircase. It was all surreal to him, and it hadn't hit him until that moment. He stopped midway, and turned back to see the way his home had looked two decades ago; in its dilapidated, filthy, aged glory it stood like a soldier, refusing to fall, so the memories of his horrid childhood couldn't be buried by rubble.

He entered his room to see the brown owl perched on his bed post. Too worn out by the last few hours, he fell onto the uncomfortable cot. The owl starred at him hauntingly before suddenly closing its eyes. Using a flick of his wrist the lights turned off. He turned and observed the greyness of his walls before falling asleep. As he slept he saw that same greyness in an endless surge of placid ripples. The last thoughts he had on his mind was how he had never stepped out of that door since he came back here. Somehow he knew the in its indifference, his life at home would never be the same again.

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. I know it is a bit different from what I usually post, but I believed it needed some…new flare.

Do you have any suggestions or direction where you want the story to go? I am only curious…

-E.S. Grey


	18. Chapter XVIII

XVIII

When Severus woke up, the brown owl was still in his room, waiting for him dutifully. It hooted several times when it noticed Severus' onyx eyes had opened. The owl flew unto Severus' abdomen and laid a pale green envelope on it. The envelope had familiar calligraphy-like handwriting scrawled across it; there was only his name in blank ink. He had desperately tried to avoid the owl to no avail. It was clear to him that until he had read the contents of the envelope, the owl would not leave.

Severus sat up, putting his back against the uncomfortable wall. The owl plopped itself unto his lap once more, growing rather fond of its new warm nest. Severus tried to get the owl off of him, but he was immediately bitten. "Such an odd bird," he huffed. Accidently, he stroked its feathers. The feathers were soft and clean; they were unlike what you would have thought of just by glancing in them. From that point on, the owl had not let Severus stop stroking its feathers. Indeed, it was an odd bird.

He took his wand out from under his pillow (he had grown used to the safety precaution over his decade plus of service). He opened the envelope with a simple cutting spell. Once he unfolded the pages of the letter, which looked like they were torn from a small journal he wrinkled his nose in frustration. The letter was several pages in length, filled with miniscule hand writing and closely spaced lines. All of a sudden it hit him: The hand writing was Rugulus'. He had not spoken much to Regulus since October 30th. He felt obligated to read it, because of the friendship that they had shared.

_ Severus,_

_I have many things to tell you in this letter. I apologize for its length. I must warn you though, the Owl (her name is Isadora), grows very attached to people. I fear that she will grow attached to someone and forever be theirs, instead of mine. She is a good owl, but she will pester you. I digress, before I have even begun. _

_ First and foremost, there will be a meeting with the Dark Lord on January 8__th__. The reason I am telling you this is so that you have time to cancel any plans for that day. The meeting will promptly start at 10:00. Do not be late. You will not take the mark at that time, but I am sure you already know that. He must earn your trust first. This is my second time going to a meeting. His power is alluring, but you must not show your captivation, for it will pester him…eventually. _

_ As for the other advice I can give you—do not lie. He is an extremely talented legilimens. If you are completely sure that you are willing to be of service, then come. But be warned, if you have any doubt do not come until you are ready for a meeting at a different time. _

_ If you want to take the mark, you will have to be patient just as I am being. The wait will be worth it—I'm sure of it. _

Severus frowned at the first page. It disgusted him.

_You may be wondering why I am writing to you. Avery had asked me to inform you, because he is far too lazy to write to you himself. Though, I do not mind writing to you at all. _

_ I am worried for you Severus. You've changed a lot. You tried to get me away from the Death Eaters, and now you want to become one yourself. I don't know what caused you to change your mind so suddenly. All I can to is trust your judgment. I am happy that we are in this together. _

_ I am slightly confused by your actions as of late. You keep on drifting toward Lily. She is a nice woman, an extremely beautiful one at that too. She also has an intelligent mind, which I know you value… Merlin, the Muggle-born (I won't use the other word for your sake) is making me soft as well. Don't worry; I don't have feelings for her, though she is a bit of a catch, if you know what I mean… _

_ I know you want less people to suspect you, but what does she have to do with it? Do you still plan on pursuing her? If you do, the Dark Lord will not be pleased. Maybe he will allow another exception, seeing that you already are one. _

The second page give him a mixed feeling, though it was mostly melancholy.

_I am worried for our friendship. I have not been a great friend to you recently. I am sorry. You are like a brother to me. I did not wish to drive you away. I overreacted. At one point I was seriously considering the words you had told me. They were driving me mad though. I could never quite put a finger on it as to why you wanted me to not join. Maybe it was a test for me… I may never know. _

_ I wish to continue our friendship. As Sirius is not residing here currently, you may visit if you want to. (I hope you will.) Kreacher has been asking for you too. It gets lonely here sometimes. Any time over the break will be fine, even if it is unannounced. You are one of the few people that my parents tolerate. _

_ Though we had the misfortunate event less than two months ago I think it is best if we just forget that it had ever happened. I still look up to you Severus. I always have. Despite your emotional behavior as of late, you are the strongest person I know. I don't want to lose our friendship over that one fight. I never intended for that to have happened. _

_ Are you mad at me? _

_ I hope you send a letter soon. Isadora flies with extreme speed. You may use her to reply throughout our conversation if need be. _

He was debating with himself whether or not to actually go to Regulus' house.

_Lastly, I wanted to tell you that I saw you and Lily one day in one of the abandoned halls. She was sleeping next to you. Did she have a fall out with the Potter brat? It is about time if they did. They've been having a lot of tension between them for quite some time. _

_ Did it happen because of you? _

_ You are probably mad at me for even mentioning it. It's a shame that I have a curious mind. I have seen her with you a lot more frequently… I wonder if anything is going on between you two. Ever since you had started Hogwarts, up until your fallout, you two seemed to be quite the couple. Funny how things seem aren't they? Ever since you two started talking again, Potter's been driven up a wall (if you haven't noticed). _

_ I will be waiting for your reply. _

_ -Regulus _

Severus quickly stood up, causing the owl to fly out of his lap. He walked over to his desk, placing the letter to one side of it and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. He pushed the chair roughly. Sitting, he dipped the quill into the ink and started writing a quick reply in his own calligraphy-like hand writing.

_Regulus,_

_ There is much to say, but I cannot simply write it all on this piece of parchment. Do not worry, I will not kill you…yet, as for your owl, my patience is growing thin. I will come to your house. Does later today sound fine? I don't have anything planned. _

(Severus had forgotten his agreement with Lily momentarily.)

_Till then,_

_ Severus _

He tied the parchment up with brown twine and gave it to the owl. Isadora flew up to the ceiling after a few minutes of gazing at Severus. He opened the window, the panes opening at its bisection. A loud creaking escaped until there was a large enough space for the owl to fly through. She was finally gone.

* * *

Severus was greeted at the door of 12 Grimmauld Place by none other than Kreacher—the old house-elf whose head was covered in fine white hairs, but his eyes still alive with the hopefulness many house-elves held. He looked almost…elated to see Severus standing there. Severus was sure that he had never seen that expression on Kreacher's face—it was a bit startling too see him as such. "Master Sever!" he exclaimed happily. "It has been very long since you were here last—very long indeed!" Severus was the only non-pureblood to be accepted by Kreacher. It was a great feat.

He followed Kreacher through the house, seeing Mrs. Black sitting on a large, dark wooden chair with green cushioning. She had not made the effort to greet him. Mr. Black was nowhere to be found as Severus had carefully looked through as much of the house as he could. Once at Regulus' room, he opened the door which had its usual sign perched on it.

The door opened quickly. The room was painted a pale grey, but there was a green design painted on the ceiling meant to resemble snakes. There was a Slytherin banner by his desk and a few other representations of his house as well. On the wall above his bed were magazine clippings—all pertaining to Voldemort. The sight of them sent a chill down Severus' spine. The thought of Regulus worshiping Voldemort made Severus' stomach flip. Sitting on the large Slytherin themed bed was Regulus, who was reading a small novella.

"Mr. Snape is here," announced Kreacher before leaving the two in the room.

"Sit down." Regulus motioned to the chair by the desk. "I suppose we have a lot to talk about. Go ahead; take your pick on what's troubling you the most."

"I would prefer it if you would set your book down first." He folded the page before setting it next to him. "Good, now why did Avery not inform me? Why had he chosen you instead? There are many words hidden by what you said in that letter you send me." Both could tell that this was not going to be a very pleasant visit.

"You can see right through me, even if you have to see through paper first." Severus felt a bit cocky, and crossed his arms while smirking in satisfaction. "I'd rather be the one to tell you news; though I am not the most experienced, I will be the last person in this world who would ever intent to hurt you Severus. I would rather do their bidding, send you information and make sure you come to the meetings so you wouldn't have to have crucio cast upon you."

Care—it wasn't something he was accustomed to. He had forgotten long ago what it was like to be cared for. "Thank you," he muttered, unsure whether he needed to say more or not. He was still getting used to being coddled by certain people. He wasn't always appreciating of it either.

"About Lily…" Regulus began to tap his fingers against the bed's base, knowing this was a harder topic to talk about. "When I saw you two on the floor sleeping against each other, it was odd to say in the least. I hadn't expected something like that to happen. Did you…you know—shag her?"

Severus started to shake his head, annoyed, yet amused by the teenage boy's mind, which was wired to an inappropriate mindset. "No." He nearly shouted it. "I did no such thing. Your expectations of me are disappointing."

"Oh thank Merlin," he let out a sigh of relief. "Now that you are planning to join the ranks, it isn't the best idea to hang out with her. Rumors will spread."

"I am not of pure blood, so why should this matter to you? Whom I care for and whom I do not should be privy to only me. My…happenings with such people should be mine to share, if I choose to, which I will never. However, if you let your curious teenage mind interfere with your usual thoughts, then I will say this: I do not know what will happen between Lily and I, so I cannot specify any details to you. One day you will know and so will I. Until then, you will have to set those thoughts aside." It had occurred to Severus that he talked like his older self, rather than his younger self. It struck him as odd that people hadn't noticed, or that they had, but decided not to comment on the change.

"Why did you change your mind Severus?"

He knew the question would have come that day, or a later one. "Power—we all seek it do we not? I want to reap the benefits of being associated with a man who has power and a man who can give me just that. It is what I desire and what I need most. Power is strength, and without strength I have no control. Without control, I am nothing. I want to amount to something. You know what I am talking about; these are all the same things you want." He spoke the words darkly, as if he were accessing the desires of his young, foolish mind which had died long ago. Yet he spoke with an undetectable regret. Power was knowledge, and nothing more, not brute force or the measure of physical strength. "You cannot deny the utter captivation of it." He finished his small speech strongly, knowing that the final blow was what would make Regulus believe him for the time being.

Regulus nodded his head. His eyes were full of desire—desire for power and so much more—more than Severus had even said. "You know exactly how I feel then—how we all feel." Severus smirked wickedly. "Good." Regulus was satisfied with Severus' answer. His answer had only made him even more power hungry. He only wanted a fraction of the power Voldemort had, and would do anything for it.

"I am sorry, but I must cut our visit short." The ending came suddenly. He felt unable to be contained in the room for any longer. He did not know how he would be able to stand the presence of Voldemort if he couldn't hold his grip in Regulus' shrine of a room. "I apologize," he said before finally darting out of the room with such speed and silence that the rest of the house's inhabitants hadn't noticed his departure.

Outside of the home he caught sight of the trait black, curly hair of the Black family. He saw the boyish man step off his broom and stop in front of his previous residence with apprehension. In all truth, Severus hadn't expected to see Sirius that day. "Snivellus!" There was no doubting now that it was Sirius.

"To answer your first question: Yes, I have thoroughly greased your previous residence. Do not fear I had not gotten to your room." Sirius stood in awe at Snape. He was not sure how to react to Severus. "Oh quit slobbering like the mutt you are. The soil on this Earth does not deserve your slobber."

He closed his mouth. "What are you getting at Snivellus?" He put his broom on the ground and walked over to him, his wand in hand, ready to hex him if need be. "Do you finally plan on joining the Death Eaters? Is that why you've been hanging out with my worthless brother?" Sirius sounded as broken as he had felt.

Severus was reminded of one of his goals. A solution to it had dawned upon him. "Black we have to talk. If it makes you feel any better, I will sit far enough away from you so I won't get your skin greasy…" He would say anything it would take to get the impertinent man to listen.

He held his wand steady. "No hexes?"

"None at all—if it serves as a consolation, you may have your wand at my neck throughout our conversation if that would make you feel safe. I have no intentions of doing anything to you…today." He would get a life's worth of revenge later.

"Follow me." Sirius led the way to a muggle dinner. The dinner was scarcely filled. Two old men sat in a booth, playing chess while eating their daily porridge. A waitress stood there, pouring black coffee into the cups. Unannounced, they sat in a booth on the other side of the diner, in hopes of avoiding the waitress for as long as possible. "Can't use magic here," Sirius finally said when they had sat down.

_Surprise, surprise—the idiot finally uses his brains for once. Who would have thought? _"We have to talk about your brother. I'm worried about him."

"You—feelings? That's impossible." Black snorted and then began to chuckle quietly.

"It's about his becoming a Death Eater." Snape whispered. "You cannot let that happen. No matter what I do, you have to keep him away from it. He's a good person. He is only confused. He does not belong with them."

"You think I don't know that! Merlin's left ball—he's my brother!" His odd vulgarity was the only way he could convey his feelings. "I would try to stop him if I could…"

"Trying is not doing."

"Then how do you suppose I go about things? The all-knowing greasy git must have an answer!"

"As a matter of fact, he does." Severus began to toy with a light blue packet of sugar. "You have to tell him what he is doing is wrong. Be a big brother to him. It's what he needs. Have you been so blind Black? All he wants is for you to be there for him. He wants your support and your approval."

"He's wrong if he thinks I'm going to teach him how to get the ladies."

Severus rolled his eyes and then starred at Black intensely, his black eyes cold. "You misunderstood. All you need to do is be there for him. I don't care if you give him a slew of floozies. However, I care if he goes down the wrong path. He doesn't need to go down that way. If he does, it will not turn out to be good."

"And if you go down the path you're keeping him from then what?"

"This is regardless what I do. Whatever I do shouldn't matter to you. What should matter to you is what your brother does. Stop putting your focus on the Slytherin population and focus on the one Slytherin that is your brother. You will regret it if you don't!"

"Fine, I'll do it."

Later the waitress had come and given them each a cup of tea. Snape sipped his tea in satisfaction. The conversations he had, had tired him to the bone. "I know Lily and Potter split."

Snape nearly spit out his tea.

"Do all the Blacks know?"

Sirius laughed. "I know you fancy her. I know you two are friends now, and I am not happy about it. But if you hurt her I swear I will hex you until you are barely breathing."

"I never intend on hurting her again."

A mutual respect had been formed between the two. They were both very different people who were not fond of one another, but when things came down to what was most important they had to set it aside.

Severus had gotten quite a few things done that day. It was a waiting game for that part of his plan now, and he would wait for the right moment to take action once more. He knew what pit falls there could be, and what successes there could be as well. He had it planned out in every possible situation he could think of. He could not allow room for mistakes. And now, with Black on his side for the time being, it had made his mission easier.

* * *

A/N: I am writing another FanFiction called _Mourning Colour._ If you like this, then I suggest for you to check it out.

I have to inform you of something rather…tragic. I have lost my flash drive. It had all the chapters, up until chapter 25 on it. I found most of the chapters in emails I have sent to my most trusted reader. However, the updates may be skipped sometimes, because I have to rewrite and then write new chapters. I apologize for my incompetence.

-E.S. Grey


	19. Chapter XVIV

XVIV

Severus sat in the living room of his home in his black leather reclining chair; the recliner was up, his feet spread out on it. He flipped a page of his book silently, moving onto the next enticing passage. His father sat across from him, his eyes bloodshot and his head throbbing. He had not drunk any alcohol, due to its mysterious disappearance several days before. He had grown aggravated by his son, who was doing nothing wrong.

It was December 22nd, and things had slipped out of attention quickly. Severus was caught up in his younger self's life, thus causing him to lurch from one importance to another annoyingly. It was almost too hard to keep up with his life. But that day nothing had happened, and surprisingly it was not a relief, instead it was bothersome. His mind was ensnared with thoughts of how any second, orders could possibly come from Dumbledore, or how a letter could mysteriously pop up from Regulus.

There was a knocking on the door. Three knocks, it stopped. "Behave," he scoffed as he got up from his recliner.

"And if I don't?" his father asked rather stupidly.

"I have yet to decide what your punishment will be. But I am sure it will be no less that degrading, and possibly painful. But whatever it is, I will gladly watch you suffer." He smiled cynically. He walked over to the door. He opened it, only to see Lily standing there hopefully.

It took her a few moments to say anything to Severus; she was preoccupied with gazing at him in wonderment. "I know you forgot about our agreement. I told mum you would be over sometime today. I haven't seen her so excited in a long time…" She continued on mumbling things that Severus had lost interest in listening to. Someone was eager—no—excited to see him—how odd it was for him to hear those exact words.

"I haven't forgotten. I've been preoccupied with the on goings inside of my home." Lily looked over his shoulder to see his father standing silently in the living room. She nodded at Severus. She had gotten the basic gist of what it was like in the Snape household, but it remained a mystery to her on some level.

He grabbed a black coat from the hanger and turned to Lily once more. He took Lily's hand and escaped from his house, closing the door behind him. He let go of her hand quickly. They walked over to the lake they had met at. Lily lived on the other side of it. As the frozen lake entered her vision she felt her heart swell at the memory of meeting Severus. He was an awkward boy and no less than an oddball of one too. But she didn't ridicule him for it. She loved his odd tendencies. Suddenly she felt a great urge go sweep through her. She grabbed his hand and held it. She blushed once she realized what she did. Before she could embarrassingly take her hand back he gripped it tighter, not wanting to let go of it.

They reached her house. It was just as he remembered it. It was a midsized white home, with a black roof. The only difference was that it wasn't as happy as he had remembered it, but that was to be expected. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go in," she announced. She was excited that he had come over to her house for the first time in two years. She hadn't figured out a way to explain to her mom what had happened, and why the sudden change of heart made her so willing to let her back into her family's life once more, but it didn't matter to her. They were friends—best friends, and how they both secretly hoped for so much more.

Lily opened the red door slowly. Silence: There was only silence in the house. There was not the usual sound of boiling water, or of a large wooden spoon stirring the contents of large pot. He missed the smell of whatever meal was cooking on the stove. This time, house smelled of oranges and lilacs. He turned toward Lily who thought this was completely normal. "Is she home?"

"She was when I left. Maybe she's busy in the basement. She usually does the laundry around this time," she replied simply. "Let's go to the living room and wait for my mum there. She's bound to show up soon."

Before Severus sat on the couch he heard the motherly voice of Mrs. Evans call his name. "Severus!" she exclaimed happily; for the first time in a long time she seemed happy. The woman in a blue dress with white polka dots threw her arms around him. "My! How you've grown. And you've filled out a bit too!" She kept on hugging him, tears streaming down her face.

"Why are you crying?" He wasn't used to crying woman. However, the Evans family seemed to be full of them now.

"Oh it's nothing really… I'm a sentimental fool. I just haven't seen you in so long." She finally let go of him. He sat down slowly, afraid that Lily's crying mother would once again embrace him. "Would you care for a cuppa?"

He got a full view of the woman. She had aged so much in the past two years. Her hair was entirely grey, there were fine lines on her forehead and underneath her eyes were large dark circles. He felt pity for the woman.

"That would be fine, thank you." She walked away into the kitchen. She looked back at him, trying to take in this older Severus. Two years had passed. It was far too much for her. She never knew what happened between the two.

Lily made herself comfortable: She laid her head on his lap. He looked down at her smiling. "Hi," she said.

"Hi." What he would do to kiss her at that moment—he didn't know. But he was sure it lied along the lines of _anything_.

They both stayed like that on the brown leather couch in the living room. The lights in the room were dim. The main source of light was the remaining sunlight from the setting sun. They faced the window, both more interested in each other than the sublime sunset through it. To their left the fireplace was barely lit, only a few logs remained slowly smoldering between the ashes.

"You do know there's a pillow right there." He pointed to the right side of the couch.

"I have a perfect pillow right here." She snuggled further into his lap. "I wish I could lie here forever," she said demurely. It was awkward for them both. Her relationship with James had never been awkward like this. She chastised herself for even comparing the two. She wasn't in any sort of relationship with Severus.

Her mother came back into the room carrying a tray of tea and its accessories. She was startled by the scene in front of her. Lily was comfortable in Severus' lap, and Severus was more than keenly happy to have her there. Both their eyes were filled with want, need, lust, and presumably unrequited love. She sat the tray down. "Is anything going on here?" She asked when they were too caught up with each other to notice.

They both shot up. Lily nearly knocked her head against Severus'. "No nothing!" Lily replied quickly. The speed of the reply startled both Severus and her mother. "I was just tired and Severus was here…" She felt too guilty to not explain. Though it wasn't any crime of sorts, Lily felt like a prisoner for a moment, trying to testify for her innocence.

"Lily, don't worry. I was only joking." She poured tea for the three of them, adding sugar and milk to each of their tastes. Her mother had memorized the way Severus had liked his—one cube of sugar and two splashes of milk. "Now then, Severus how have you been?" She took a long sip of her tea and then crossed her legs.

"I've been…better than usual as of recently." He crossed his arms and leaned far into the couch. "In other words I've been doing well. Thank you."

"What happened between you two? I haven't seen you in the past two years, and now all of a sudden you're here. I'm happy to see you, but I need to know what has been going on between the both of you." The dreaded question—they both knew it would have come up sooner or later.

"Nothing happened between us mum. It really isn't important. We've gotten passed it. It's all that matters really." Lily hoped her mother wouldn't pry further.

"Mrs. Evans, as much as I would hate to admit it, I was an idiot. I've made many abysmal mistakes in my life. I apologize for the indirectness of this explanation, and I wish I could clarify, but I will leave it up to Lily if she chooses to tell you." But Severus wanted it to remain hidden, and then slowly get forgotten in the abruptness of the world's events.

"Forgive a mother for worrying." They both finished their tea with lively chatter. For once in the past six months Mrs. Evans was happy. Severus was like a son to her, and having him back in her life when she had such emptiness in it helped her through the loneliness that she had felt.

Severus left around ten. Lily and he were both tired. They agreed to see each other the next day, and would hopefully have a bit of privacy then too. She had a perfect idea of how they would spend the day—that is if the world allowed them to finally spend it in peace and tranquility.

Lily watched through a window; the dark figure blended in with the blackness of the night. His silky strands of black hair would blow with the wind. He would walk—cautiously almost; every now and he again he would turn from one side to the other, as if he knew someone were watching him. Her heart beat faster as he turned into a simple silhouette. When he disappeared she let out a sigh. But her back to the wall, she turned her head, hoping he would come back and tell her good night. She imagined various scenes—all of them like a vastly romantic movie or novel. She watched the stars shining in the night sky brightly. There were only two. The sky reminded her of his obsidian eyes. Everything about the night—it's mystery, its allure, its magnificent captivating quality—all of it made her think of him, even its black vortex which could make you lose yourself in it so quickly.

Mrs. Evans watched her daughter in secret. There was no denying it anymore. Lily and Severus had something between them. But they were both too scared to see it. More so, Lily was too blind and Severus too accustomed to the acerbic ways of his life to know what they possessed for each other. "When are you going to tell him? Things like that shouldn't wait."

She heard her mother's pronouncement. "I don't know." Would she tell him: Only if she ever allowed herself to. Sometimes the so-called Gryffindor bravery was useless.

Mrs. Evans left the room. She was consumed by her thoughts. _Either she tells him, or he tells her. There is no other way. I've seen that look in his eyes ever since he was fourteen. What is it about those two? They can put two and two together for everything, but this one obvious thing. I won't meddle with this. Lily still might have feelings for the Potter boy. She only sent a seven worded letter—'James and I are no longer together.' Maybe, that's why she's afraid. _Her mother couldn't have been more right in her life. Love was such an odd thing. If only this was predeterminable…

* * *

Severus thought of impossible fantasies. They beckoned for him. His eyes were open; emotion surged through them powerfully. But his face was blank. He was completely gone from the world, having escaped into another more frivolous and awing one. Ironically, Lily looked dazed, and her eyes too were filled with fiery passion, but her face was not blank, for it was a deep shade of red. Her fantasies carried her with them, taking her in their depths of unattainable love and most adventurous spontaneity that she longed for. Each other's name was on their lips, silently leaving their mouths as they had begun to slowly return to reality.

Lily lied on a small cream colored bed on top of the light green sheets. She was looking at Severus, and Severus noticed. She looked like she was calling for him. Her image tantalized him, taking away every sense of what was wrong and what was right. Lust and love—what a dreadful combination it is to feel. He whispered a swear word as he took his eyes off of her. He was losing his mind.

Meanwhile, Lily watched as Severus sat in the chair by her desk in the peach colored room. It was hard for her to be so close to him, yet so far. It was clear to her about what she wanted, but she did not know how to get it. Like a lone lioness, she would examine the lion. She was sure she wanted him, needed him in fact. Momentarily she hoped he would come to her bed side and kiss her passionately and envelop them in a curtain of love. It was these types of hopes that drove both of them to madness.

An owl's claws scratched against a window, and then entered through the small opening. It dropped a letter on the space in between Severus and Lily on the parquet. Severus picked up the letter. "Slughorn," he said in a menacing tone.

"Care to read it?"

He nodded and tore the envelope carelessly. He cleared his throat and held the thin parchment up to his face. "Dear student," he began.

"There will be a party on December 24th beginning at 7:00pm, to celebrate the eve of Christmas. It has been cleared with the Headmaster that any student invited, despite location will be allowed to attend. But you may **not** bring a guest.

"The party will be held at the usual meeting place of the Slug Club. This is a formal event, and as such you will be required to wear formal clothing.

"The Hogwarts express will be available to those who are in need of it. But you are also allowed to apparate to Hogsmeade and walk to the castle from there.

"Enjoy the rest of your break, Professor H. Slughorn." He looked up at Lily, who was intrigued and delighted by the invitation.

Another owl appeared soon after and dropped another letter at Severus' feet. It was the same invitation as Lily had gotten. "Are you going?" he asked, hoping she would say no.

"I do enjoy his parties…You will come with me, right Severus? It will be fun. We can come back here afterwards and celebrate Christmas." She automatically thought that he would say no. She despondently waited for his reply.

He considered this, entering a deep contemplation. Christmas with Lily—an actual Christmas—it was unheard of to him. In his adult life he would spend Christmas alone, sitting by a fireplace, trying to stop feeling the cold loneliness which would never go away; with a bottle of fire whiskey in hand and the absence of care, he would waste away in his chair unable to shake the feeling of lust—lust for human relationship and lust for the past, where he could only pretend that it didn't matter.

Lily thought it was strange that Severus remained silent and that it was taking him so long reply to the simple question. But everything about her friend was strange and it would take a life time, if not more, to understand him, if only a little. "Severus?"

_Maybe if I go, we will both get drinks, supposedly absent of any trace of alcohol, I will be able to drunkenly declare my love for her, without her mocking me._ He laughed inwardly. _A fool can only hope. _"I will be a bore there," he answered.

"Ah yes, just make sure to laugh every once in a while and nod your head. No one will notice how big of a bore you really are," she replied jokingly.

He smirked. Lily got up into a sitting position and lightly tapped the bed, signaling for Severus to come sit next to her. "This is vastly inappropriate," he stated.

"Everything at our age is considered inappropriate."

He was well aware that he viewed things as an adult, rather than a teenager, but his mental superiority suited him. At Lily's comment, he chuckled, smiling slightly. It was something he thought of when he was a bit older than he already was.

_Just let me enjoy this while it lasts…_ She thought. Lovingly, she held Severus' hand while they sat on the bed. Using her magic, she turned the radio on. "Lean On Me" began to play. She leaned on Severus playfully. She sighed deeply, thinking about the words. He had been there most of the time (in exception for the end of her fifth year and the entire sixth year of Hogwarts). She could always 'lean on' him. He would always listen to her, embrace her awkwardly or stumble over each optimistic word he failed to give her. She smiled. He was her rock and so much more. How she got through the past two years without him, she would never know. "You're my best friend, Sev."

"As you are mine," He squeezed her hand and turned his head, smiling back at her. Secretly, he was imagining it as a cheesy love song in the background playing as he and Lily would finally kiss. A romantic Hufflepuff was he. Love did incredible things—unbelievable things—torturous things.

She lied down on her bed, her feet hanging off of it. Severus soon followed. "Promise me you'll never leave me Sev." She wouldn't be able to live through life again if he were to go. She wouldn't let him fall to the dark once more, no matter what.

"I will never leave you. I will always be here. Always."

"Good, because I'm holding you to it." He was sure Lily wouldn't go back on it. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to hold his promise. But he wanted to try and he wanted to succeed, even if it were the death of him.

* * *

A/N: Yes, it is **not** going on hiatus. I'm sorry for the scare. How did you like this? Sorry for the reposting. There were too many errors.

-E.S. Grey


	20. Chapter XX

XX

Severus stood by a street lamp at the edge of the road leading to Hogwarts. The evening's cold wind nipped at his skin. His nose had turned red and his lips grew chapped from the cold. He rubbed his hands against each other, desperately seeking warmth. Lily said she would meet him there. Alas, she was late.

He turned toward the road, watching couples walk down it. It would have been so easy to go with some scandalous girl who didn't care about the person she would be with the entire evening, like he had usually gone with, to events such as these, but he couldn't bring himself to it this time around.

"Early as usual," said a chipper voice behind him. "Maybe we should have come here together…" Suddenly the voice was a tad regretful.

"And cause me to be late? I think not," he said as he turned around to face the stunning woman behind him. Lily's hair was down, her curls spilling over her shoulders. She wore minimal makeup. He lips were a pale red from the cold. She wore a black coat, her red and silver dress spilling out of it. He was about to mumble something like a bumbling idiot, but other words somehow seemed to go spill from his mind and escape his mouth in a single, hot breath. "You're beautiful."

Lily wasn't sure if her cheeks were red from the cold, or if she had just begun to turn red because of Severus' comment. Regardless, she was flattered. "Th-th-thank you," she stuttered. "You look handsome as well tonight"

Severus bit his lip to suppress an impolite snort. He wore a black button-up coat, bits of white sprouted from the collar and sleeves, as well as a nice pair of black trousers. His hair was clean, and its black, silky appearance shown in light of the single street lamp. His black eyes never had looked more clouded with lust. It was these few perfections that made him a beautiful man, despite his many, eclectic flaws.

"Shall we?" he said, as he walked towards Lily.

"We shall," she replied. They began walking down the long, winding road. Daringly, Severus put his arm around her waist as they walked. Lily turned around sheepishly, blushing even more than she already was. Something in the air had caused Severus to do something so unlike himself, but he didn't regret it at that moment. If it were his last day of joy, then so be it. He wanted to lose himself for once, and forget about the world around him. For once in his life he felt as if he deserved peace, even if it were to only last one night. He had to ignore his worries, and stop listening to the pestering voice in his head, because he knew the turning of the New Year would change his life.

Lily secretly hoped that Severus would never let go of her waist. His touch had begun to send shock waves throughout her body, and they had only strengthened with each passing moment. Like Lily, Severus too was experiencing delightful bolts of electricity, but they were jolting from his fingertips to his shoulder.

As they walked, there were quite a few people that starred at them—some in awe, but the vast majority in disgust. There were whispers, uttering phrases like, "How could she reduce herself so much?" or, "He doesn't deserve her. Besides, don't slytherous Death Eaters like him look down at people like her? He does one good thing, Potter breaks her heart and she runs off with him? She could do so much better. No one is going to want her after he spreads his grease unto her."

He lowered his lips to her ear, his lips brushing against it slightly and his hot breathe rolling against the crook of neck tantalizingly. "Ignore them Lily." Their closeness was making it hard for them to breathe. "They are trying to insult me, without thinking about you." He tried to avoid the last sentence, but he knew it had to be said. "You very well know that we are friends—best friends," he intoned sadly. She took the words not too well. She frowned instantly; it was not a complementing look on her face.

The entered the castle still attached to the hip. Instantly a swarm of warm air filled their lungs. The thick, waxy smelling air clouded the entrance of the castle in puffs of barely visible smoke from the burning wicks.

The further the walked within the castle's spirited walls the more it felt as if Christmas were to come within a several hours wait. The halls were covered in red and green banners, and gold light shone upon each corner of the castle. Sometimes, a house elf would pop out of a mysterious whirlpool and wander around the castle, dressed in an adorable Christmas elf costume. A small line formed of various couples at the entrance to Slughorn's Christmas fest. A few house elves rushed passed them and entered through a set of shimmering curtains. They lined up behind a couple whose names they were not completely sure of.

Lily ruffled through the pockets of her coat before swearing. "I could have sworn that I put it in here." She looked through it once more like a madwoman. "I put it in here before I left!"

Severus held her invite in front of her face. "Looking for this?" He raised an inquisitive brow, while smirking devilishly.

She snatched it from him. "I hate you." She pouted like a small child. "When did you steal this?"

"Steal? I prefer the term 'taking it for safe keeping' thank you very much." He looked at the cavernous space around them. "You did lose it did you not?"

"Only because you took it…"

"That is beside the point."

They showed their tickets to the student, or rather servant. A black haired boy glared at Severus just as he walked into the crowd of people. "I hate it when people look at you like that," Lily said aloud, when really she had meant for it to be a thought.

"Most people in this institution relish their hatred of me." It was not his best choice of words. "You wanted to have a fun night, and that is why we are here is it not? Just forget about everyone, but yourself. I thought it was easy for a Gryffindor to live every once in a while."

"You're right," she said as she places her black coat on a coat hanger. Once she turned Severus could finally see the full extent of how beautiful she had looked that evening. Her red and silver dress' neck line dipped down in a glorious V-shape. The dresses sleeves were made of a thin, translucent fabric, in which the sleeves split at her elbows. The dress had fit her perfectly. "You look as if you're about to die Severus."

_Die a happy man… _

* * *

Eventually the Christmas Eve party had panned out as any other party Slughorn had held. There were several couples dancing nervously, but the mass of the crowd was circled around Slughorn. They were talking—though Slughorn was doing more than his fair share of it— about things such a bore to Severus that he nearly dozed off while sipping his pumpkin juice. The crowd's laughter filled the entire room.

He walked out of the room, bored by the event. Behind a set of curtains was a sturdy balcony. Most of the noise was contained behind the curtain, which pleased him greatly. He starred into his glass of pumpkin juice as he leaned his arms against the edge of the balcony.

A small hand touched his shoulder. "Sev?" Lily took her place beside him. "I know this isn't your idea of fun… You didn't have to come with me…"

"Yes, but you wouldn't have gone without me."

"We still could have had a nice Christmas Eve at my house…" She closed her eyes, thinking of her mother baking cinnamon and ginger scented cookies, and brewing hot chocolate late into the night. "You remember don't you?" she began, "My mother would stay up late baking gingerbread cookies, and we would always sit by the fire. You would read a book to me… Yes, you would always read _A Christmas Carol_ to me. I would try to get you to wear a Christmassy sweater. You would always refuse and say something along the lines of, 'Get that festive monstrosity away from me.' I would reply with laughter and call you 'Scrooge'. We would stay up past midnight and we would open up the presents after my parents went to sleep. Merlin, you always found the most perfect gifts for me." She looked away for a moment, taking in a deep breath and then sighing. "And then you would leave, and I wouldn't notice until the morning, when I would wake up on the couch.

"I don't know what I was thinking when I said we should go here." Severus wrapped his arms around Lily, and she put her hands against them, keeping them close to her so he wouldn't dare let go. "But I guess it doesn't matter anyway, since you're Scrooge and you don't like Christmas," she finished nervously.

"Bah! Humbug," he whispered into her ear. She giggled like a silly school girl. "I would like any holiday, as long as I could spend each one with you…"

Lily blushed. Endeared, she took his hands and dipped her head down slightly. She tentatively kissed his hand. Both of their hearts pounded, and both breathes were hitched. The moment consumed them slowly. Severus nearly jumped with glee. She brushed his fingers with her own. "We better go back to the party… They will find us if we don't, because…"

"They will accuse us of adultery, because we are the adulterous type."

Lily laughed, nearly knocking Severus and his pumpkin juice over. "I swear your pumpkin juice must have been spiked."

"I do have my moments."

Once they got back into the room it was not long before they had separated from each other…

* * *

Lily shut the door of the lady's lavatory behind her. She pushed herself through a few gossiping girls, whom she had hung out with in previous times. Once they caught sight of her they waved to her and said a small "Hi," which she had completely ignored. They soon left. Once she finished washing her hands and wiping them dry, she turned around bumping into someone. "Sorry," she stifled.

A man faced her—a man who she wanted to forget for the sake of her new found feelings, and for the sake of the glorious present which she had only begun to develop. There he stood, arrogant smile, unruly hair and soft hazel eyes, looking at her, breathing her sweet scent in. His slightly calloused hand brushed a few stray hairs away from her face and then took to cupping her face with the same hand. "Lily," James whispered quietly—lovingly.

"James, what in Merlin's name are you doing here?" She began to push him, "Out! Out right now!"

"We have to talk Lily!" He squirmed under her grasp.

"We'll talk outside. What if someone see's us. Ah! You're being such a stalker right now! I can't believe you. Bullocks!"

She pushed him through the door, further pushing him until they were far away from everyone. They stood there alone and only edged further into isolation. She looked away from him, unable to face him after what had happened weeks ago at the Black Lake. "This—this is—um—unexpected." She turned to leave, but he didn't dare allow it.

"Lily, I've given you time. Please tell me you have an answer for me."

Truthfully, she hadn't given it any thought. After the one night she spent curled up in Severus' arms she was too encompassed by her best friend and too caught up in falling, that she had soon forgotten about James' proposal, or rather made herself suppress the painful memory of it. "I—I don't know. I can't…answer, yet. This isn't the time or place for this sort of thing James."

"I tried at the right time and the right place Lily. Please, let me take care of you, let me love you, because Merlin I do—more than I love this world." She began to shake her head, trying to block out the words. "I've seen you there with…Snape," he sneered, curling his fist into a tight ball. "I'm willing to let it go. Just come, run off with me. We used to talk about fantasies like these. I still want that. I want us Lily, and I'm not willing to let you go. I love you. I know you love me too. Maybe you've forgotten, but by Merlin I will make you remember that you loved me, just as much as I love you."

"James, I do love you, but—"

"There are no buts Lily." He turned her face to his, and then crashed his lips against hers. He tried to deepen the kiss, biting on her lip every now and again. For a time she allowed herself to kiss back, but let herself go numb to escape the feelings the kiss had released. Love, passion, hunger—all was present, but demurely. Once they parted, the feelings of the past came rushing toward her; memories she had let herself forget and the caresses she had once let herself be devoured by came in one fatal swoop, taking her back to a place she had fought so hard to get out of. But she couldn't let it come take her once more. This dastardly predator would not take his prey, for his prey was no mere creature, she was a lioness—strong, controlling, and completely sure of what she had to let go, but not sure if she ever could let herself. This lioness was broken, but so eager to be fixed, and she thought there was only one way to do it.

"It's there in the kiss, can't you feel it Lily?"

She shook her head slowly, denying the feelings she had for him, even if they were no longer what they were before. She began to cry from confusion. What she didn't know was that if Severus had never come back she would never have been like that in the first place; because she would have had it figured out with James. Oh, but now, she had so much more to love, and so much more to stop loving because of it.

"Lily, I love you, and I know you can love me too like you did before."

"It doesn't work that way James." She left him standing there, confused, broken and unable to perceive what had just happened, just as she. _You're doing the right thing Lily. You know you are. This can't be another way. It's passed with James. You just have to begin with Severus. _The problem was that she was denying that she was still choosing who the better man for her was. She kept chanting it in her head. She ran off, away from the party. Her breath was heavy and the world kept spinning in confusion. She knew that she had to get out of there.

* * *

"Snape come over here!" Avery shouted from the other side of the room. Like a lost pup, Severus walked to over to Avery reluctantly. Avery placed his hand on Severus' back. Soon a few future Death Eaters joined the twosome. Once their group assembled, Avery smirked slyly. "So boys, what do you think about creating a little havoc on this fine night? What do you say?" He looked at the group, mischief radiating from him.

All, but Severus chuckled at the comment, relishing the glorious thought of it. "So what's the plan?" Rosier, a man with pale green eyes, dark skin and even darker hair asked. "You've got to have something good in your bag of tricks, ay' Avery?"

"You shouldn't expect any less of me." Severus was squirming beneath his skin. It was unbearable. He didn't have his professor's authority. He was at a loss of what to do, but nevertheless, he would attempt to get out of it. "How do you guys feel about spiking the drinks? I know, I know, it's been done before, but I assure you, this—" he held vial of a thick cerulean liquid in the air, just long enough for the group to see before he quickly shoved it into his pocket, "—will make it unforgettable."

"What's in the bottle Avery?" some clueless sixth year asked.

"That my friends, is a potion that shall remain unnamed, but I will tell you that it will make everyone lose their minds by the end of the night… And when they wake up in the morning they'll find themselves in an unwanted situation."

Severus remembered hearing hoopla about such an event occurring the first time he was in that time period. He was sure that it was just a silly rumor. The most hilarious detail was something that Severus was never able to picture in his mind quite perfectly. He remembered the odd conversation he had with the seventh year news bringer the day he came back to school from break.

_"Snape, did you hear what happened?" _

_ "I just got back here you dunderhead." After a few moments of silence Severus spoke up slightly annoyed, "You are going to tell me, aren't you? I'm going to hear about it anyway."_

_ "Oh right, right! Over break Avery decided to play some tricks, you know? Anyway, Slughorn threw this party and at the party Avery spiked the punch. Ol' Slughorn went loopy twenty minutes later. He went out of the party and left everyone on their own. The next day he woke up in his boxers in McGonagall's office. McGonagall caught him and swatted him out of there. Next thing you know, you got Slughorn running through the halls yelling for Merlin to save his life!"_

When Severus broke away from his thoughts he noticed Lily, who seemed very upset, run out of the party. He wanted so badly to chase after her. Once Avery and the group made their move to the kitchen, Severus slipped passed them.

A distressed Regulus turned from the corner. "Severus I need to talk to you, it's about Lily!"

"I know, I know. I have to go talk to her." He ran passed Regulus.

* * *

Severus aimlessly searched the halls for Lily. The sound of Slughorn's old, green radio echoed through halls. A loud 'click' resonated before "The Way We Were" began to play. The melancholy, but beautiful voice grew louder as he neared the room. He opened the door, the door knob squeaky and the door's hinges even more so.

On the teacher's desk sat Lily, her face red and slightly wet from the tears. She wiped her eyes before facing Severus, and an attempt to make it look like she hadn't been crying. "Oh, Severus. Hi."

"Are you okay Lily?" He asked, knowing she wasn't.

"Things were so much simpler in the past? You remember the way things were don't you?" She walked up to him, taking his hands into hers. "Remember in fourth in fifth year how we would always hold hands and sometimes kiss each other…on the cheek?"

He nodded. "I don't think I could forget." She wrapped her arms around his neck lovingly, and he put his arms around her waist. He bent down and kissed her jaw line softly. He lifted away from her, an apologetic look on his face. Merlin, he wanted her more than it was humanly possible to ever want someone. She wanted him too. The more time passed the harder it was to wait and then, it seemed impossible to wait any longer.

Before they knew it "I Can't Help Falling In Love" started playing. Both decided to make their moves that night. Lily slightly loosened her grip on Severus. "Dance with me," she pleaded. They began to dance, swaying to the beat of the song. Their eyes were locked, and their lips so close. "Severus, why did it have to end?"

"It didn't have to," he replied out of yearning. He closed the space between their bodies. She silently squealed in delight. "There's something that I've always wanted to do Lily." He started kissing the nape of her neck, going upwards to her jawline, her chin and stopped at her mouth.

Captivated, she asked, "Like what?"

He claimed her lips with his own. Passionately, he kissed her. The feeling of love finally prevailed in a glorious symphony of emotion. Euphoric pleasure entranced them. Lily felt as if she were floating in a sea of him. She didn't want the feeling to end. Hastily, she deepened the kiss. Every emotion, every assurance, everything that had lacked with James was suddenly there. Both kissed with desperation and need, love and lust, nostalgia and profound greatness.

She didn't know when she fell in love with Severus, nor how, but she was so happy that it had happened. The feelings that she had let go of in fifth year finally came back to her. No longer was there a fleeting feeling. She felt empowered by this new love. However, she thought if she were to be with Severus she would always be second-guessing herself, unable to see whether he was on the dark or the side of light. Severus was always dark, but he was also such a good person at heart, when he let it show. She knew then that there was no more choosing, because the choice was already made with that one kiss. No matter how much she had to doubt, she knew he would always stick by her.

It had finally happened, after so many decades of the near impossible wait. Severus had her in his arms, he was finally kissing her and perfectly, she was kissing him back. He finally knew what it was to live—to genuinely and wholeheartedly live. Without holding back, he lifted her to the desk as the song ended. They separated, gasping for air. Each other's eyes were filled with such thick love and thirst.

So the night went by, Severus' sitting in Slughorn's chair, and Lily sitting on his lap, sometimes turning to kiss him once more. Every once in a while they would poke themselves, just to make sure that it was all in fact real.

Severus held Lily steadily in his arms, unwilling to let go of her. He looked at the clock, noticing that it was well past midnight, and it would be time to leave the premises soon. A small blanket of snow had covered the ground by then, and it only continued to thicken just as the love Lily and Severus shared for each other did.

"I don't want this to end," she uttered

"Then I should learn to stop time."

"Then let it be my Christmas present."

"Merry Christmas," he said, before kissing her once more. They both wished that it wouldn't be their last together.

* * *

A/N: Overly cheesy? I know. Was Severus overly out of character?

The moment you've all been waiting for has finally come. It only took what— 20 chapters?

Update days are changing to Mondays I think...


	21. Chapter XXI

XXI

There were few inhabitants left—most of which were younger students, childishly sleeping in their warm beds, completely oblivious to the tragedy in the world around them. But there were a select few who stayed back, the older and the wiser, waiting for a certain moment of pure exhilaration to make their move. Severus had stayed behind, though he knew that it was getting far too late and far too dangerous to stay in the castle any longer.

The night of January 8th had come swifter than he had hoped it to come. He had dreaded the day. He was unhinged from his typical stability and composure. Out of his element, he fumbled with his coat before putting it on; savoring the heat he knew he would soon lose. He wrapped his holey olive toned scarf around his neck; its length wrapped several times around it. He looked at the clock once more, before deciding that it was best to wait just one more moment.

He waited for the moment where he would feel the hairs on his neck stand on edge, and where the air would sink twenty degrees cooler—when the adrenaline would course through his veins, burning inside him hotter than fire. The time would strike with a silent bang, and the presence of perfect timing would be before him, waiting, beckoning for him. Then, his senses would light on fire, his skin would begin to crawl with anticipation and he would know that there would be no better time than that moment, to snake out of the castle.

Over his frock-coat he put a long, black, hooded cloak. It did not billow, nor create noise as he walked. He paced around the room, wondering whether he would be able to go through with this. He still had a chance to not do anything. He had Lily. He had changed enough…But was enough really what it was said to be? There were too many possibilities in which it could all go horribly wrong.

Noisily, he slammed each and every door behind him, marching loudly through the Slytherin rooms, knowing he would wake everyone up. However, their sleep did not matter to him. They would accuse him of no such disruption. They wouldn't dare.

He stalked down the corridors silently, inhumanly—almost like a ghost floating just above the yellow, ceramic tiles. His head was held down. Watching his every step, he climbed up stair case upon stair case, never faltering. He gripped the stair handle when he reached the end. With the warmness of the rest of the school came voices, chattering away, incessantly prattling on about the day's mundane events. The voices of Minerva McGonagall and Poppy Pomfrey came loudly through the halls. He hadn't expected a teacher to be up this late in their classroom.

This was the most fun part to him, though he was not yet aware of it. Adrenaline coursed through him and doubts filled his head, teasing him for his false-bravery. In spite of it, he would continue, mentally cursing himself for his stupidity. Even after decades of finding ways to escape the castle, it still gave Severus the same thrilling rush.

His heart beat against his chest, pounding, trying to burst out of him, and trying to stop creating the noise that he almost thought could be heard. He froze; his body acting like liquid-nitrogen had spilled over it. His eyes darted from side to side. He edged toward the door of the classroom. Closer and closer he was, so sure that the door was close. The last cautious step came. He peered into the door for a quick moment before falling to his knees and crawling past the door.

He was safe. He had made it through. But the hardest part was yet to come.

_"Where are you going?" _he heard an eerie voice lazily whisper into his ear. He jumped back, only to see that no one was standing behind him. _"Keep walking, you'll only die this way…"_ it continued taunting him, mocking him to no end. _"Falling into your own grave I see…What a great way to die. You've done this before haven't you?" _

He bid the the safety of the castle goodbye and was greeted by the bitter, biting cold of the winter night. Thick snow fell, covering his cloak. He trudged through the snow, leaving footprints behind him. He walked along the edge of the forest, not afraid of the creatures which could attack him.

At the edge of the forest, just where the barrier of Hogwarts and the rest of the Wizarding World stood a pathway covered by shrubs which heaved with the crystal-like snow. Carefully, he moved the shrubs away, creating a little whole, just big enough for him to get through. He scratched his arm as he let go of the branches.

He trotted the path he had traveled so many times, remorse filling him. He had never wanted to go down it again. It was only a slew of painful memories which lied on the path's broken bricks. He grew tired mentally, but forced himself physically to keep moving forward; a single mantra keeping him going: _If you don't do this, they all die. _

He didn't know the locations of the Horcruxes. He only had suspicions. It was not enough to go off of. However, he knew if he waited a few short months, there would be two locations he would be completely sure the Horcruxes would reside. The only thing was that if he waited, he didn't know how things would turn out.

Above him there were branches weighed down by snow, completely bare of leaves. The night sky was cloudy, no moonlight shown through them. The land before him was filled with thick fog, but he needed no lantern. He had memorized the path long ago. There was a fork in the road: a single stone pathway, uncovered by snow, but covered by the glass of broken street lamps and a single old, beaten pathway covered with snow up to his knees. The glass breaking beneath his feet, he chose the pathway to the left, hoping the shards would cut through the soles of his shoes and paralyze his feet. He was an unwilling martyr.

Five steps, he stopped, his legs frozen solid and colder than ice. He turned back, trying to escape his fate, but walking a few steps backwards, he stopped once more, his legs unwilling to move and his brain unwilling to move them. He let out a gasp in pain as he felt needles pierce through his legs slowly. Morals attempted to haunt him at every turn.

_Keep moving. You don't have to do this. Trick the Slytherins into divulging any amount of information, no matter how invaluable. There are other ways. _He took a step forward.

_ There are other ways that would prove of no use. You know that this is the best and quickest way. This is absurd! Just go, do what must be done and hate yourself later. It was the way things had always went before…_

_ I wish I were a house-elf who cherished orders, no matter how anomalous and sinful they were. Then, I would have no trouble in doing these things. Then, I would be rewarded with an insignificant award, which I would cherish above all other things. If I were a house-elf I would know a different kind of love—love that would be completely separate from what must be done in life—love that would be its own necessity. _

He looked up at the sky, swearing that he could see Lily's face in its clouds, frowning at him, tears spilling from her eyes and distancing herself from him, just as he knew he should have let her. No matter how much he loved her, he regretted ever letting her feel the same for him. He should have kept things as a friendship, which could later blossom, and develop into whatever else when the times were different, where the world he lived in wasn't stained by blood and when she had learned what truly manifested not only him, but the people she thought she could trust.

At the end of the path he stopped: A single, unbroken street lamp lit the sky, barely turning the bleakness of the sky dim. He walked into the thickness of the forest and stopped behind a larger bush. He transfigured a small twig into an uncomfortable tan chair, and then sat on it, crossing his legs.

He began to search his mind for any memories and feelings that could be easily discovered through legilimency. He had let himself grow feeble-minded, trading his mind which was so aptly developed for spying, for some mind engrossed by love, lust and so many other things that would only distract him.

At the deepest point of concentration, he shut his eyes and relaxed his body as he shut out each and every memory which only weakened the icy, hardened heart he had tried to develop. His mind was the deepest labyrinth, which should be caged away from humanity so no poor soul could enter its vast chasm of darkness. Once he placed the last wall in his mind, his eyes snapped open and his body tensed once more. He got up off the chair and walked back onto the pathway. Three steps past the lit streetlamp he stopped, looked around for a brief moment and hesitantly apparated with a slight 'pop'. Before apparating the single thought in his mind was: _If I make it out alive, then I have reached my goal. _

The air was much colder, but the snow was not falling. Severus' breath turned a foggy white. Before him, stood a gate; large and black. Beyond the gate was a small villa, rich black in color and impressive in stature. Everything on the strip of land was black, the windows tinted black, the roof and even the snow on its land was an odd shade of black that he did not know could exist. The sky above him was black and cloudless. The stars were lacking and there was no light shining down on him.

He gripped the black bars of the gates, cutting his gloves and scratching his hands on the small, but sharp spikes which lined the bars. He felt pressure against his torso. It developed into a slight push, strengthening as time ticked away. A large creak sounded from the distance as two heavy, large doors opened. Out came a figure, cloaked in Slytherin green. The figure's cloak was long, and the hood covered his entire face, stopping mid-neck. He walked towards Severus in a daze-like state. The sound of heavy footsteps and sloshing snow grew louder as the cloaked figure drew closer. Soon, they were face to face.

The figure was pressed up against the bars, breathing heavily. His breath smelled of rotting meet and murder. The scent made Severus light-headed, but he firmly held his ground. The cloaked figure removed his hood, revealing a man: A man with blood shot eyes, so red that they appeared to be bleeding and scars marring his entire face horrifically. The man was Rosier's older brother. He smirked, revealing slightly blackened teeth. "You're late, Snape," he sneered, his voice low and gravelly.

"I'm five minutes early, Rosier."

"You're lucky the Dark Lord is in a good mood tonight. He started the meeting early. I would hate to see you punished on your first day," he stated the last sentence mordantly. "Wait here." He placed the hood over his face as he walked away, trudging slowly to the house, leisurely taking his time for his own pleasure.

Once the doors closed, the gates opened slowly, creaking loudly with a sharp, ear-piercing pitch. Snape quickly stepped over the place where the gate once stood. Once he was two steps away from it, the gate closed silently and quickly.

Inside the house, he felt chills run down his spine uncomfortably. The air inside was at least eight degrees cooler. The scent which enveloped the house was of aristocratic cologne. The house's floor was polished black granite, unsullied by dirt, or any evidence of people having walked upon it. The walls were richly decorated. A few pots with dark, sickly looking plants resided in a few corners of the house.

He heard the voice of Voldemort hissing carefully told lies. As he walked closer he felt a numb feeling shoot through him. The veins in his arms felt as if fine knives were cutting him. His heart beat at a dangerously slow pace. He began to see doubles. He fell against the wall, catching himself while clutching his left arm.

"Snape what the hell is wrong with you?!" Rosier barked.

"Nothing," he wheezed. Gaining some strength, he stopped relying on the wall for support. "I'm fine."

Once he entered the meeting hall he was greeted by a something—something so cynical that Severus was beyond revolted. Looking at the creature sitting at the head of the table, he nearly wretched. This creature had two openings filled with red orbs he called eyes, two slits he called a nose and a face, paler than the whiteness of the snow covering all of England. This creature, so heartless and distant from life, had dared to call himself a man.

"Who is this?" Voldemort questioned once he had noticed someone had entered the room.

"This is Severus Snape my liege," Rosier answered.

"Ah Severus, I have been looking forward to meeting you. Come, sit." He sat down next to people who weren't affiliated with him. Severus quickly glanced around the table, unsatisfied by the fact that nearly all of the Slytherins fifth year and older were at the meeting's attendance.

Severus' right arm pulsated with every word that Voldemort used. He reviled the man he now had to serve. His heart sank deeper and deeper, until he was sure that it had completely left him, falling to the floor, arteries still connected to it, beating, but sluggishly dying along with his hopes. The Dark Lord had a wry smile upon his lips as he cunningly, verbosely gave his new batch of followers some information and incentive.

The Dark Lord nonchalantly started toying with his wand, purposely letting small green sparks escape from its tip. "I believe you are all pining for a task to prove your worth." Voldemort turned his head from one side to the other slightly, but ever so slowly. He saw his followers encompassed by him, yearning for power, the sheer want of it clouding their eyes.

In mid-speech, he looked up at Severus. Immediately, he saw power beyond their blankness. Severus' black irises were cold, distant, but Voldemort could see the power which young Severus held through them. The power was promising, intriguing and something Voldemort was willing to take—to use at his disposal. So Voldemort smiled, though foolishly everyone, not including Severus, had thought it was because he was satisfied with the reaction he had received. Severus knew the maniacal being better than to believe he was merely satisfied with awe. He had found competence in Severus' eyes, and he could help but take a peek into the man's mind. Severus was prepared for him to begin to prod his mind. He made sure that he gave the Dark Lord what he was searching for.

As Voldemort droned on Severus soon entered a world completely unlike his own. The world—full of color, full of love and full of such impossible dreams that it was utterly simple to drift away from the life you hold so dearly; to become forever lost in this new, intangible world. In this new madness he found sanity. Carelessly letting himself slip from the conversation, he nearly closed his eyes, only to snap them open when remembering where he was.

When he slipped back into bitter reality the same chill and sinking feeling swept over him as it had when he first heard Voldemort's voice. A burning, acidic sensation filled the pit of his stomach. When Voldemort's eyes met his, he nearly looked away, but didn't. Voldemort smiled as he began to feel a pressure, and the fake memories he had generated skillfully rush to the front.

Voldemort saw bits of conversations Severus had. They were all about power and the yearning for it. Voldemort saw what he thought was true devotion to his cause. He was satisfied having finally found someone competent. His sharp tongue swept over this pointed teeth as he released himself from Severus' mind. _Finally...something…promising._

Severus had never felt more despicable in his life.

* * *

He crashed onto a couch, his being far too weakened by self-exhaustion. He was in the Room of Requirement, unable to face the Slytherins, nor listen to their praising of the Dark Lord. The feeling that irked him greatly had only softened a bit. He was still waiting to stop resenting himself, but he knew he would never.

He was given missions—two impossible missions. He kept telling himself that he was doing this for a cause greater than himself, greater than his love for Lily and greater than the entire wizarding world. Still, he felt the same unbearableness inside of him. He wanted this to end quickly, but the things to come, and he knew very well, could take longer than months or years because last time it lasted decades.

He decided to forget what had happened, just so he could close his eyes for a few brief moments…For a second, it worked…

"Master Severus!" called a high-pitched voice, which was soon followed by small, quick footsteps sounding in the room. The small cling of a tray being placed next to the small, round, wooden table resonated through the large room. Tibby stood patiently, her arms behind her back and her head rocking from side to side as if there were quiet music being played in the distance. "I thought the master would enjoy some tea."

"Tibby, how many times bust I tell you that I am not your master?"

"Nonsense Master Severus! You are my only master."

"You work for the school Tibby." He shot her a petulant look. She handed him a cup of warm, peppermint scented tea. He could barely hold onto the cup. "Tibby, could you get me some calming draught?"

"Yes, Master Severus, right away!" She left the room through a pathway he couldn't see. She came back even quicker than he thought possible. She handed the calming drought to him, the small vial uncorked. He spilled it into the pale blue porcelain tea cup, and stirred it in slowly, trying not to spill a single drop. Once he drank the tea (which ran dryly down his throat) the shaking subsided.

He looked up at the house-elf, who seemed flustered. She continuously fumbled with her fingers and darted her eyes from one side of the room to the other. She bit her lip with her yellowed teeth.

"Tibby, what is troubling you?" Her heliotrope colored eyes was clearly filled with worry so great that her body could barely contain it.

"It—it is the muggle born. She—she was calling you—your name. Screaming at the top of her lungs. Yes, that is what she was doing, yes. I—I didn't know if I should tell you…I am sorry I failed you master Severus! I am so sorry!" She flung herself to the floor, tears trailing down her cheeks.

"No Tibby, you did well. Go to your room and have a good night's sleep. It is good that you told me. You have yet to fail me Tibby." He knew automatically who was in the infirmary.

* * *

He rushed through the doors, a loud slamming behind him and various objects falling to the ground in a single swoop of pandemonium. His cloak billowed furiously behind him. He saw Madame Pomfrey running from one side of the room to the other, pillaging through books and various shelves filled with potions. "I've never seen this in my life!" she shouted, completely ignorant of Severus' disruptive presence. He had opened the doors roughly, the doors ricocheted off the wall, pieces of wood chipping off, landing across the floor. Poppy finally noticed him. "Mr. Snape!" Madame Pomfrey squeaked as she hurried from one side of the room to the other, looking for something on the shelves of unorganized potions. "You must leave at once!"

On the bed farthest away from him was Lily, writhing in pain, her eyes shut tightly, white tears falling onto the floor. Her veins were blacked and her back arched. She trembled as held that position. Her mouth was sealed tightly, but sometimes she would open it, only to gasp for air. Her eyes were closed in pain, and her fists clenched tightly, blood oozing from them, dripping on the floor in messy puddles on the floor; the crimson liquid permanently staining the carpeting around the bed.

He reacted to her state with immediacy. He let Madame Pomfrey shuffle across the room, her hands on her head and sweat trailing down her slightly reddened face. He sped past the shelves, grabbing several bottles, two of which were chartreuse in color, three cerulean and one a deep vermillion. He also grabbed a large beaker.

Sitting next to Lily, he watched her as he stirred, carefully observing how the curse progressed through her body. He stirred the three potions together, adding specific amounts of each at various stages of his mixing.

He heard a glass shatter against the floor, but he did not turn around. "Mr. Snape, that combination of potions is poisonous! Are you trying to kill her?! Mr. Snape! STOP!"

"I know what I am doing Madame. I suggest you go back to medical school. Maybe then you would find the competence to be a healer in this institution. You should sit down, before you give yourself a heart attack. You've let me oversee Potter; I can oversee Ms. Evans," he sneered with such acerbity that she roughly sat herself down in a chair, and waited for him to admit that he was wrong.

Once the new potion has turned cerise, he sat her up. Before he did anything, he heard her whisper his name through her delirium in a demented version of her once sonorous voice. He poured the potion down her throat gradually and prudently. She let out a small burp before he set her down on the bed.

Afterwards he sat down, his eyes still fixed on her. She still remained completely motionless, but after ten or so minutes, her back relaxed. Eventually her condition improved greatly. She looked peaky, but no longer on the verge of death.

"Mr. Snape, you never cease to amaze me." He grunted in reply. "I am being serious. You…you should be an apprentice."

"Madame, this is a conversation for a different time."

Severus soon dosed off, completely exhausted by the night's horrid events.

* * *

He felt a hand brush against him. His eyes fluttered open. Lily was watching him, a sublime look on her face; she smiled weakly. "Sev."

"Lily you need to rest," he said once her noticed that he had been asleep for only half an hour. She tugged him to her. At her demand, he slipped into her bed. "This is vastly inappropriate. What will Madame Pomfrey say?"

"I would say that you saved her and you can do whatever you want to. There is no order in this school." Pomfrey smiled, because for once in life she had found something had gone right for a change. She was happy for Severus, even if he was being a prat while she was trying to help Lily. She left the two alone in the room.

Lily wrapped her arms around Sev. "I love you. Thank you for saving me." She kissed his lips briefly, lacking in energy to do more.

"Lily, go to sleep. Please. You may thank me later if you wish to."

"Happy Birthday," She said as she turned around, her back facing his abdomen. He had completely forgotten.

He sat up to take off his shoes, but when he had placed them on the ground he noticed a piece of crumpled paper stained by the pool of blood next to it. When he opened it, he was completely aghast.

_Snape, _

_ I know you'll save her, or whatever, just like you saved the Potter-git. _

_ Get your priorities straightened out. _

_ You don't need a Mudblood when you have the Dark Lord. He will give you any woman you want and they will all be better than her. _

_ Let this be a warning._

_ -It shouldn't matter who I am. _

He lied back down, wrapping his arms around Lily. He couldn't believe that this had happened because of him, though somewhere in the back of his mind he had suspected that something like this could happen. They never tried to hide their relationship.

It was so new, so fresh. The love still was beating in both hearts. He rued Lily's innocence, and her lack of knowledge in this situation. Naïve and uninformed is what he wanted to be. What he needed to be was the one who made sacrifices, no matter the cost. He buried his face in the crook of Lily's shoulder and breathed in her scent. Life was full of sacrifices that you have to make. There in his arms, laid yet another sacrifice. The greatness of their relationship had just begun. He felt an overwhelming sense of melancholy sweep over him as he realized that he would soon have to let it go.

All good things must come to an end they say…But this was no ordinary good thing. This was the only good thing that had happened to him in over a decade. It was meant to last. And, yet he found it ending just like all other good things. All good things must come to an end they say…Sayings were never meant to be right.

"_Happy birthday indeed…" _he thought sarcastically. There couldn't have been a worse birthday in his life.

* * *

A/N: The next chapters to come are some of my favorites that I had to write. I wish that you enjoy this. Also, if (I wish I could say when) this reaches two hundred reviews, I will give the two hundredth reviewer a prize. The hundredth follower will also get a prize. The hundredth favorite (if I get there) will get a prize as well. The prize will be a one-shot of the couple of their choosing (I do hope it's within the realm of Harry Potter though), and they may have a say in what it will be about.


	22. Chapter XXII

XXII

Time slips away like silk on glass. Important things lay forgotten. They blow away with the wind, circle the world, but they will always come back. There is nothing you can do to avoid this, because you will always remember. As time passes you will forget only to remember when your life is at its greatest, just so it can break you down once more.

The memories loomed over Severus' head; they were a grey cloud which never left. They soon poured into him, raining in large, terrible droplets. He sat on a couch in a private room, looking up at the ceiling with a blank expression on his face. Something flickered in his eyes before he stood up and went on to slam every door shut as he walked through the castle.

Eventually, he gained his composure. He couldn't be a spy with angry outbursts. It was these hormonal disadvantages which hindered him greatly—his Achilles' heel. He entered the bedroom, silently shutting the door behind him in order to keep his housemates asleep.

He shuffled through his trunk quickly. He took out a long, Slytherin green scarf and a thick, grey coat. He buttoned up the coat with his nimble fingers and quickly tied the scarf around his neck.

Carefully, he traveled through the castle and made himself aware to no one. In his mind he only had one goal. He couldn't immerse himself in romance or form new friendships. Life was far too complicated for that. A messenger is what he was—the Hermes of the wizarding world, only less heard of, and more secretive. He served a single man who played as the savior of the wizarding world. What an honorable task he had: Spying, lying, serving and messaging—_what a life to live!_

Grumpily, Severus pushed through gossiping girls. He had escaped Hogwarts once more, but this time in the middle of the day. He had yet to get caught for his various endeavors. The day was slightly warmer than most; winter had already seemed to be fleeting during the end of January. The sun shone through the sporadically placed clouds in the periwinkle colored sky. He stepped through the grey slush. The edges of his pants were soaked.

He had forgotten his coat that morning. The freezing air had numbed his skin and dotted it red. The only things keeping him warm were his thick, burgundy scarf that Lily had knitted for him on his birthday and a pair of pale grey gloves. He knew where he had to go; he just did not know how long he could last in the cold weather.

A car nearly ran him over as he walked through the busy streets of London. Businessmen in haughty suits chuckled loudly at each other's very terrible, clichéd puns. He frowned, unbelievably annoyed by the populous city of London and its eclectic passer-byers. If only he had chosen to go there in the middle of the night…

A bell rang as he opened the door of the Leaky Cauldron. The bar was filled with only a few people sitting silently at their own tables, not yet drunk. He sat in the farthest corner, just as he had usually done. There was no bar tender behind the counter. He tapped his fingers impatiently, hoping that the sensation stirring in his gut was right. There was no one there that he recognized. Uncharacteristically, he dozed off…just for a second…just for a second he had promised himself.

_The long, black table that had previously been in the meeting hall was now gone. What was left was the Dark Lord and three of his followers. A few lanterns lit the room diffusely. _

_"I am sure that none of you have heard of the town called Shillings," said the Dark Lord. "However, that village is full of things—things that dare steal our magic. They must be punished. They pilfer this world. Their kind must be eradicated. This is a simple mission for you to organize." _

_ Severus had heard of the town of course, and he had even visited it several times. The town was full of bookstores. It was the place where he found many rare literary treasures. He was not surprised at the choice. He knew many muggle-borns lived in that small village. He had not expected to be chosen for a mission after the first meeting. _

_ Already, he had made an impression. He found himself kneeling in between Lucius Malfoy and Odysseus Rosier. "I am sure that you three will be able to handle it." The Dark Lord turned to him. "I am aware of the fact that you are rather...inexperienced, but I wish to access your abilities Severus. I have heard many promising things about you. Avery has told me much of your skills" _

_ "Thank you, my Lord. I will not disappoint." He bowed his head down. _

_ "I will arrange the date in due time. Until then, I wish for you three to prepare. I do not want to be disappointed."_

_ "Yes my Lord," Malfoy answered. _

_ "You are dismissed." Malfoy and Rosier led. When Severus turned to walk away the Dark Lord called. "Actually Severus, I wish to have a word with you." _

_ "What is troubling you my Lord?" He asked as he kneeled back down on to the floor next to his feet. He looked up at his master for the first time since he had entered the house. He sat in a baroque thrown-like chair. His snake, Nagini, was wrapped around the chair's left leg. _

_ "I have heard that you are aptly skilled in potions. Is that correct?"_

_ "I would not call it skill," he said belittlingly. _

_ "There is no room for modesty young Severus. No matter. I wish for you to create a potion for me."_

_ "A potion my Lord?" _

_ "Yes—a potion that is able to inflict torturous pain upon the drinker of it. It must be pain more terrible than the Cruciatus Curse. Furthermore, it must have no cure. A bezoar must be useless when the potion is taken. Do you think you are able to create such a potion Severus?"_

_ "I shall try."_

_ "No, Severus, you will do." He nodded. "Very good Severus. You too are now dismissed." He bowed deeply before walking away. No speed would have been fast enough to get him out of that retched room. _

He woke up, falling out of his stool. No one had noticed. The three men that were sitting separately in the bar, now sat together, roaring with raucous laughter. He collected himself, and then sat down on his wooden, unpadded stool once more. The recollection of what had happened was startling.

The doorbell sounded once more as a bearded man walked in. The man had auburn hair and sea green eyes, which greatly resembled the waves of the Baltic Sea. The man looked tired, yet there were no shadows underneath his eyes, and he held a semi-lively smile. The man was a little over middle-aged. He held a red walking cane, phoenixes detailed across its length. He sat down next to Severus.

"Using glamours now, are you Albus?" The man's eyes darted toward Severus. "I never thought I would see you stoop so low. Then again, the best of us must fall."

"You could always see through me, couldn't you?"

Madame Rosmerta, the voluptuous barmaid walked in, her curly, flaxen hair bouncing in every which way as she walked over to them, a seductive smile meant for trickery upon her lips. Her eyes twinkled in the bar's light. "How may I help you gentlemen? I apologize for the wait."

Before Dumbledore could speak Severus said, "We need a private room. Could you arrange that for us?" He placed several galleons on the table.

"Yes, of course." She motioned for them to follow her up flights of stacked, creaking stair cases, all varying in shades of various woods. She turned left on the last floor of the building. Reaching the end of a hallway, she opened the door. It was a small room, with a single table and two chairs next to it. "You have an hour," she said as she left a bottle of fire whiskey and two shot glasses on the table before leaving quickly.

The room, despite its smallness, was lavishly decorated. The walls were painted a peach color, and the plush carpeting was indigo with cream colored fleur-de-lis on its border. The windows were curtained fortunately. Unique trinkets filled the few shelves on the walls.

Severus shut the door when the disguised Dumbledore entered the room. He cast not only the Muffliato charm, but the silencing charm on the room as well. "Shall we?" Dumbledore questioned.

Severus sat down at the table first and poured fire whiskey into both shot glasses. "You do realize that the school cannot go on much longer without you?"

"I have yet to hear of any misfortunate mishaps that have occurred during my leave."

"The students are being attacked by future Death Eaters no less. It's like a zoo. They can only call it "harmless pranking" for so long Albus. The students are being hospitalized for Merlin's sake! Madame Pomfrey doesn't have enough room in the infirmary for the entire school. She's had me running about and brewing potions for her ever since your leave." He looked up at Albus, loathing and annoyance in his eyes, "I cannot believe that you would have not heard of this.

"You must return to the castle. Minerva can't protect the children during this time. What if they come? This hadn't happened last time. The Slytherins…all they speak of is…is of him! He has plans—plans that I am unaware of. He could strike anywhere at any time and I won't be able to warn you. Even if I did have the information, I would have to search for you and find the end of the world, in order to find you! This is foolish what you are doing, Albus."

"I am speaking the truth Severus. Minerva hasn't informed me of any of this."

"She's scared that she will lose her position as Deputy Headmistress, if she were to tell you. However, she did have everything under control for a time. But with the students releasing Hagrid's ah…pets…she's been a bit overwhelmed as of late."

"I can imagine."

"You must come back to the school soon. If you do not come, the castle's foundation will surely collapse."

"I have a few things left to do before I come back."

Irately, he withdrew a small cube from his pocket and it turned into a thick newspaper, before he slammed it with great force onto the table right in front of the Headmaster. The inks on the page's brims were blurred. The newspaper unfolded before them, the picture of a bloodied family, all lying still on a blood stained carpet, was on the front. Unlike most wizarding photos, this picture was still, lacking every essence of life. "More dead; it never ends. This is what happens when you step out of your office. Every time, another falls to the hands of death Albus. These are not the students, but they are still human beings! People are being killed by a maniac. You cannot just stand by and watch this. The Dumbledore I knew used to take action. But here you are, sitting, drinking away and letting your spy do all the work! What has become of you?" He spat venomously, his voice full of a dark presence.

"You are only saying these things to assure yourself. A fool is what you are. Gryffindors—the whole lot of them only see what they want to see, hear what they want to here. Their chain of foolish nonsense is endless. Look me in the eyes, Albus, and tell me—tell me if this is how people are meant to die, at the hands of a murderer, writhing in pain, helpless and hoping that it end sooner!" No reply came. "It's only _natural_ I suppose," he sneered sardonically.

Dumbledore remained silent, but his eyes, terribly hidden by his half-moon spectacles could never hide emotion. There inside them was the melancholy sense of regret, verging pain at their horizons. "You know what you must do, as I know what I must do. Do not fool yourself Albus."

"I don't…" Albus began, at a loss for words. For once he spoke with his heart, and not his mind. For once, he hadn't used the prewritten quotable things he had stored in his mind. Oh no, he was not it a good position. He knew he had to reply. Somehow, someway, fumbling through the sentences, he spoke. "I shouldn't be here—hiding. It—I should go back. You are right Severus. You—there is no denying it—are once more, correct."

Severus looked at the headmaster's old hand, the one he had grown used to seeing in a black, withered state. For a moment, he touched the fingers, but then pulled back. "No, I am not always right. I am only aware of my mistakes."

Severus drank a shot of the whiskey quickly and then poured himself another. As he drank he felt the burning liquid slide down his throat before numbing it, and then soothing it somehow with its fiery flare. He, like his father, had an extremely soft spot for whiskey. He resented himself for letting himself stoop to his father's methods of dulling painful and troubling memories. But sometimes he couldn't help, but take a swig of alcohol to numb the nerves.

"Aren't you a bit young for drinking Severus?"

"I am thirty nine years old; I have lived this…" he looked at the ground woefully, "life with every ounce of composure I could muster, I and will continue to do so. But denying a man a drink is something that I shall not have happen to me. I am not far too young, and I am imprisoned by my own wrong doings. I believe that the contents of this bottle is just the thing I need right now. But I sincerely thank you for your concern," he scoffed. In his head he was scolding himself for letting himself succumb to the liquid's vile allure. He was not his father. He hated himself for inheriting his father's love for alcohol. "Spare me of your morals Albus, just this once."

Albus released the glamour charm. His old blue eyes had begun to lose the twinkle which graced them ever so greatly before. He drank a shot. "What of your meeting with Voldemort?"

Albus lit the fireplace, and suddenly there was a burst of warm air in the cold room. He removed his glamour, and then faced Severus once more. His bright blue eyes and Severus' dark black met, neither of them blinking for a second.

"I have troubling news of course. I am never a bearer of good news. I should warn you of that now." He looked up at Albus, who seemed fully prepared for whatever Severus had to say. "They are planning an attack on a town full of muggle-borns—Shillings is the name. Three of us are planning it, and that includes Lucius Malfoy, Odysseus Rosier and I."

"He has already learned to trust you after the first meeting Severus?"

"Yes, I believe he has found something of worth in me," he said grimly. "The attack will be sometime next month. You will have to let the information slip to the aurors somehow. I am sure Moody could come up with some ingenious plan with great ease.

"However, as there are many who will be on the mission, I suggest that the aurors remain undetectable. Though it is usually unlike them to do anything on the sly, I highly suggest that they try it this time. It will accost for any mistakes.

"Furthermore, I need your permission to go out on this…massacre. I could get caught. Often times our masks slip of in the heat of battle." Severus stopped talking to look at Dumbledore who was satisfied with Severus' mindset.

"Continue Severus, I believe you have this all planned out."

"I will need to Polyjuice as a muggle, possibly one who is more likely to die in the midst of things. I will have extra Polyjuice Potion just in case. I will not kill anyone, but I will do my best to severely hurt them, before saving them of course."

"Your plan will work Severus. I believe that if you trust yourself things will work out the way you want them to."

A silence began to eat away at them. Severus wracked his brain, believing that he had forgotten something. The Headmaster stood to leave. "Wait. I—I have one more thing to tell you.

"The Dark Lord wishes for me to create a potion for him. I—I cannot do such a thing Albus."

"Isn't it part of your job to do such a thing Severus?"

"He wishes for me to create a potion which can inflict such immense pain upon the drinker that it will cause them to write in pain much greater than that of the Cruciatus Curse. He wishes for it to be incurable. I am afraid that I can create no such potion."

"And what will happen if you don't?"

"The Dark Lord will be disappointed."

"Then create it. It will prove miraculously difficult. However, when there comes a time where I will have to save you from imprisonment, I will vouch for you Severus. And I will continue to do so until the very end. You are doing this for something greater than most of us are aware of."

The headmaster put his hand to the door knob. "While I was at the meeting I experienced an odd reaction. I felt as if I had come off my mental and physical hinges. I could not stop pulsating. I barely made it through the meeting without breaking into a seizure."

"Sometimes when we do things that we know are wrong, we have odd reactions. Those of us, who have done terrible things and have realized that they were indeed terrible, feel the strongest reactions. It is only because your heart and mind know of the darkness, which is lingering so nearby you that your body is compelled to have such a reaction."

"Thank you," Severus said. It was the third time he had ever thanked anyone in his life. The first time was while having a meal in Lily's house on a day that he was peculiarly starving and the second was while he was in Limbo. Or at least, that was what he could remember.

Dumbledore left with a small 'pop'.

* * *

Severus stood at the wall of the west end of the castle. He needed to be alone. He felt hindered by his predispositions. He wanted to have a clear cut answer of what was right and what was wrong. He only knew of the things he had done in the past and feared to do things in any other way.

Outside he stood, teeth chattering wildly as the sleet covered him. He rubbed his arms repetitively. When a grim thought would pass through his mind he would kick the snow. The meeting with Dumbledore did him no good. He knew he had a ways to go, but he thought of himself at a standstill.

A pair of warm arms wrapped themselves around him. He flinched. "Sev, what are you doing out here? You're going to catch your death in the cold! Where's your coat? You don't need to keep neglecting yourself like this."

"I need to be alone. I need to think. I can't go inside right now. I'm sorry."

Lily wasn't an idiot. Before she would let him argue, she dragged him inside of the castle. If she had to, she would have pulled him by the ear. Fortunately, he was too cold and too weakened by it to respond to her forcefulness.

Inside, he held a cup of hot chocolate in his hands, his mittens still on them. He gained coherence as the warmth of the room and drink filled him.

The room they were in was painted a bright, cheerful shade of dandelion yellow. The walls were detailed with a leafy pattern painted in spring green paint. He sat next to Lily on a brown carpet floor. His back was held up by the frame of an enormous bed, which was not nearly as cheerful as the rest of the room. There was a sickening bunch of trinkets upon a dresser next to the bed. Most of them were of fairies and other magical creatures, some of them very fictional, even to the magical world.

"Where are we?" he asked slightly repulsed by its sunny disposition.

"We're in my room." She snuggled closer to him, feeling clingy that day. "How are you feeling?"

"Better."

"You should take better care of yourself," she began to kiss his neck. "You deserve it, you know."

Suddenly, Lily kissed Severus roughly, climbed on top of him, her hand on his chest and her legs spread over his lap. Severus kissed back with more passion. Both their bodies felt ignited by a pleasant fire. They could not resist the burning feeling that welled up inside of them. Soon they ended up on the floor, moving left and right.

"You should take better care of yourself," she began to kiss his neck. "You deserve it, you know."

He turned around swiftly, and captured her lips. Both fought for dominance, but Severus had won it in the end. They were a tangled web of love. She broke away from him momentarily. "I worry about you."

"As I do about you," he replied lovingly.

"You should worry about yourself."

_If only I could Lily…If only I could. _This time, she kissed him. Their bodies were close to each other, but searched for more closeness. Lily had her hands entangled in Severus' hair, and Severus' hand was toying with the hem of Lily's shirt. Lily kissed him harder, wanting more of him. Severus nibbled on her lip slightly. Lily more than eagerly allowed him entrance. He tasted of rum and chocolate—it was simply fantastic to her.

Lily needed more of him. _More. More. More._ No matter how close she was to him, it did not feel close enough. She closed the small gap between them. A low noise escaped from the back of her throat as he invigorated her with his loving kisses. She unbuttoned his shirt, button after agonizing button. Severus stopped her, his hands pushing hers away from him.

"Lily we can't do this."

"I'm not like that Sev…I just thought that maybe…Never mind." She looked away for a moment, blushing. "I've seen you without your shirt off dozens of times."

"Yes, but we were younger then."

After a brief moment of awkward silence, Severus kissed her, feeling slightly guilty because he had denied her. Lily unbuttoned the rest and the shirt slipped off of him. Her eyes feasted upon him, his chest and abdomen were slightly muscled. He was not as wiry as he appeared. He was thin, but not overly. It was his height that made him look thin, when in truth he was perfect the way he was. Every now and again there would be a scar on his alabaster skin, but to Lily they weren't hideous—they were another part of Severus that made him who he was.

"You'll get warmer this way," she uttered.

For the longest time, they did nothing, but hold each other as if it would be the last time they would ever get the chance to. They clung to each other, not only out of love, but because without one another, there would be a vast emptiness inhibiting their hearts, their souls.

_How can I ever let you go?_

They lied on the carpet, Lily's head resting on Severus's chest. "I love you," she whispered. She had finally said at, and it felt wonderful; almost as wonderful as Severus had felt when he had heard those three words finally being uttered to him. It was faster than she had ever admitting to loving a boy. She fell so fast for him. The euphoric greatness of the feeling was too much for her to hold in any longer, and so she let the words slip out. She didn't expect a reply from him.

"I love you too, Lily. Always." He kissed her head.

_I can't let go of her. Not now. Why does she do this every time? _

The final blow hit him hard, like a hammer breaking through ice. "I don't care who you are Severus. I don't care what you become. You are who you truly are when you're with me. You are a wonderful person. I love you because of it. Don't doubt it for a moment."

_If only you knew Lily…_

_ I hide from you._

_ I lie because of you._

_ And yet you still love me._

_ I've betrayed you._

_ And I still can't help myself._

_ Dear God, woman, I love you._

She was his light, his savior, the only things which kept him from the darkness which always lingered nearby. He had never let her go. She had always been there, in his heart, constantly reminding him of how he had yet to just let it…slip away. He couldn't let her go. But he needed to. At the same time he needed her. But most importantly, he could never have her if she wasn't safe. At that time, where darkness had begun to consume the wizarding world, and when light was ever-fleeting, Lily wasn't safe in his arms.

But one day she would be. He promised himself that, if nothing more.

* * *

Blood and lies,

Betrayal and regrets,

Haunting and corrupting him,

They swirl in his mind,

And they heave in his heart,

How he wishes that he could only stop,

The stains on his fingers,

The aura around him,

Tinged by the dark,

Where is the light,

Oh how it should shine,

Just yesterday it was there,

Disappearing are his morals,

His opinions forever melting,

All for one reason,

The mighty have fallen,

The weak now weaker,

But the strong now with them,

He stalks among them,

Taking whatever he can,

The poor man crying in regret,

Shaking his chains,

Decaying in his cell,

He is his own prisoner,

Love and hate,

Both bottled up in the man,

Oh how he is now lost,

His heart screams with love,

But his mind yells in lies,

He lives in contradictions,

Loving for a woman,

Lying for a woman,

He knows no other.

* * *

A/N: Reviews? Favorites? Follows? You're all amazing! This chapter is for Saint Snape.

I do not have a beta. Furthermore, those of you who complain of my grammatical and spelling errors: Tell me, can you write this? Could you possibly, ever in your life write the same words as I? You are here to read. I do not ask you to point out my mistakes. For God's sake! I'm not writing so I can look over every error. I am a Beta for that reason. Go look over your own mistakes, before criticizing mine. Odds are you have errors too. Thank you to the haters for teaching me to stand up for myself.

To everyone else: I love your reviews! Thank you so much for your kind words. They make my day every time.

Tell me how I did? I went back to change the errors so people can stop hating on me for being human and making humanly errors.

-E.S. Grey


	23. Chapter XXIII

XXIII

It was a tranquil evening. The entire school was in silence; the footsteps of the students clumsily walking through the hallways did not resound, nor did the swooshing noise of the ghosts' flying come to anyone's ears. Not even the enormous swinging pendulum make a single noise that day. The owls did not fly, nor did Peeves find the moment to create his raucous taunts and songs of his own composition. It was an oddity. But it was serene. Finally, a moment of peace had come.

Severus sat alone in the Great Hall. Lunch had already passed and dinner was hours away. He had time to himself; he finally had the time he needed just to think. By nature, he was a lonely man. For a time he cherished the people around him (mainly Lily), but it grew too much for him. He needed his concealing wardrobe and the lack of interest of people to once again disappear from notice. But life didn't work that way most days.

Severus took in a deep breath, relishing the quiet he had longed for. There was one thing missing—Lily, sitting beside him quietly. But she was out on Head Girl duties, which seemed of little importance to Severus. In silence there was only loneliness. Not a single person was there to annoy him. It was days like these that Severus enjoyed the most. Yet they were the ones he had long forgotten.

He knew that the attack on Shillings was approximately a month away, but it didn't matter. He knew he had to make an unearthly potion, but it was irrelevant. Nothing mattered to Severus, for he had the greatest thing of all—a moment of profound placidity.

He opened his potions text book and further modified it. It was nearing the point where it would be filled with more modifications than instructions.

Severus peeled a larger, slightly green banana. He munched on it quietly. No one was bothering him that day. He savored the silence. He flipped to a blank page and pressed his quill to the paper.

Once he was satiated with his notes, he moved onto more pressing things. In his notebook, he scrawled down every detail and every fact he knew, but he didn't dare voice his opinions, nor did he dare to put his name inside of that notebook. He knew of the risks of documenting anything, but if he were rendered incapable of continuing his 'miraculous endeavor', then he would have it to give to Dumbledore, so he (or one of his lackeys), could complete the damned mission.

A shrill voice resounded through the halls, "Snape! I thought you swung the other way! What's gotten into you?! I guess I was wrong…" Sirius Black was his old, disrupting self. He snatched the banana out of Snape's hands and threw it somewhere in the vicinity. "There, you don't need that now. You don't want to give blokes the wrong idea about yourself. You're lucky that you've gotten in Lily's pants."

"I've done no such thing!"

"Says the man who probably has pictures of her hidden somewhere in your books." Snape gave him a spiteful look, only for Sirius to throw back his head as he roared with laughter.

_And I thought I was going to have a quiet evening! _

Sirius set himself down next to Severus, but maintained his distance. Severus frowned as he felt his 'companion' sit down. "Don't you have any other place to sit? Perhaps Potter will enjoy your company, or how about Lupin? They would surely enjoy your presence more than I."

"Oh sod it Snape. I'm only here because I gotta talk to you." Severus oddly snorted. "I'm serious."

"Who would have thought you would have learned your own name. It only took you—what—seventeen years?" He knew it was a terrible insult, or more of a terrible joke, but he still found the audacity to laugh on the inside.

"Yes, yes, stealing my pun. Very funny. Now, I need to talk about Reg." He took Snape's lack of a reply as an intrigued comment, or at least, until he received an acerbic reply.

"I do not wish to speak about him, or anything that he would be interested in doing. I'm in no such mood to remember such things, or to be informed about the things I will have to learn at a later time." Regulus had done something Severus had never wanted him to do. He could no longer consider Regulus as a brother. His soul was far to damaged, far too darkened and far too terrible for Severus to think of him as the same boy he once knew—the same boy with the cheerful, innocent grey eyes.

He, as usual, disregarded Snape's refusal. He looked away for a moment, falling silent. "It's not working Snape. No matter what I do. And for what? All this is causing me to lose my friends." To Sirius, it seemed as if Snape could have cared less. "Snape, you're the one who told me to do this! And here I am, listening to you. What's the point? You're always going to be a ruddy, heartless Death Eater, no matter how much you think you love Lily. Why did I even do this?"

Severus scoffed rudely. "You did it because you don't want your brother going down that path."

"Look, I've abandoned my friends, just so I can listen to your stupid instructions. Why couldn't you do it? He thinks of you as a brother, more than he will ever think of me as one."

"Your idiotic friends are no reason to give up. Just go on and keep trying. You'll never get anywhere if you don't." Severus angrily piled his books together and got up. Sirius pulled him back down to the table and Severus fell over. His back was on the ground; his legs sprawled in the air. He was like a toppled over tree.

"I told you that we have to talk about him.

"He…he went to that meeting last month. I'm sure you know about it. I'm not sure how much more I can do."

Exhausted, and unwilling to resist anymore, Severus cracked. "How about sit with him at the Slytherin table? Have you ever attempted to do something out of the ordinary? You are a bloody Gryffindor for Merlin's sake! There is no ordinary with you."

"It…it won't work. James will—"

"James is not your blood. You two may share a friendship, and you two may share the same interests. But in the end…would you rather sit at your dying friend's side or your dying brother's?" Severus had no utter idea of where the words had come from. Regardless, they had flowed effortlessly from him.

"I…" Sirius broke into silence, contemplating deeply about what he would do. He remembered Reg as the young, spirited boy he was—so hopeful and always happy. He now saw that once happy little boy as a depressed man. He began to shake his head as he battled with himself. The question was unlike anything he ever answered. He would have had an easier time passing an exam in potions.

"I—" Shocking himself, he stopped there once more. He felt guilty, because he wanted to say his friend—a person who had no blood similar to his, nor the irreplaceable family ties. And then, all he could see and all he could think of was the little boy he once knew. He remembered how on the boy's third birthday, as a cake floated up to him, he used a hilarious display of magic and caused it to explode midair, all over the faces of the haughtiest members of the Black family. Then, there was the time he taught the boy how to fly on a broom, and soon after, their first Quidditch match against a few of his friends (at the time). But his favorite memory—and he was sure he would never forget it—was the time when their mother had yelled at Sirius for becoming a bloody Gryffindor. Regulus floated his mother up to the ceiling and tied her to it with a magical rope. But now, there was a husk of the former person which Regulus was. To his dismay, Regulus was now the follower of a true murder.

Meanwhile, Severus recollected the memories of that one meeting. He remembered Reg, sitting at the table, his face glazed with intrigue and captivation. A gagging sensation caught in Severus' throat, but he suppressed it quickly. He remembered Regulus only listening intently, too fearful to make a comment.

_Grey eyes starred at the Dark Lord, unaware of anything, but the enigmatic figure. The man's tan toned skin, now pale, partially because of the fear which encompassed the entire room, and partially because the cold had drained the blood from his face. Severus knew this, for he had been using legilimency on Regulus. _

_ He peered into his mind out of intrigue and worry. The enthrallment was apparent, but it had only irked Severus. He fought the urge to change the ways Regulus viewed the events. It would do no good for himself. _

_ The look was like poison, slowly seeping in, causing a retched fire to burn in your veins, and causing a low nauseous feeling which would refuse to flee. "Why Regulus, why?" he thought over and over again, the words spinning endlessly in his head. _

_ He turned away—disgusted. Horrendous. Unbearable. Revolting. It was the same look he had worn on his face so many years ago. Despicable he was, but now he saw a shadow of himself in Regulus. Broken, he never faced his friend. _

Sirius' hand slapped Severus face, leaving a red imprint on his left cheek. "I thought you might have dozed off ol' chap!"

His eyes squinted in anger. _Don't hex him. Not now. Just once…_ "What I would pay to see you in Azkaban right now!" he grunted.

"Hagger off it."

"Do you have an answer to the question?" He deliberately refused to forget it.

"I—" pitifully, he looked away, disappointed in himself, and raging mad at the fact that Snape could have bloody stumped him. "No. I don't have an answer."

Severus chose not to reply, because he knew he was in no place to. He was a terrible person, violated by so much of his own wrong doing and sullied by the dark which incapacitated him.

"Black," Severus began, not sure what he had really intended on saying, "Have you honestly and wholeheartedly tried to be a brother to Regulus? I have yet to see a change."

"You will never see a bloody change, because sodding Death Eaters don't change!"

"That is a bit of an extremist comment." He knew that Sirius was implying that Severus too wanted to be a Death Eater, but no one, but Dumbledore could know why. "I've changed. I suppose it would never matter to you. You have already predetermined our fates, haven't you Black? Oh yes, you are the one who controls everything. Why not lock you up in Azkaban, or perhaps have you tied to a chair until prophetic words trickle out of that uncouth mouth of yours?"

"Why do I even bother speaking with you Snape? It's like talking to a moody woman! What's got your knickers in a twist?"

"Black, you've ruined my peace of mind, my few moments of silence and even whatever plans I had for this evening. Honestly, this was not your best choice."

"I said I'm here to talk to you about Reg, like you wanted me to. So I am doing the right thing. Now, about Reg…"

"Can you talk about this at a later time?"

"Weren't you the one who said that there was no time? Mutual respect for each other and a tolerance for one another? Really Snape? You haven't changed. I have no idea what Lily could see in you. There are such better choices. And now, when you have her, you go run off to your Dark Lord! Do you know what you're doing? Are you really that blind? Do you plan on killing yourself, or are you going to take us all down with you?"

"I'm not in the mood for this." Severus took his book, and left Sirius sitting on the bench, looking content. Sirius never thought he would be able to trust Snape. Joyfully, he indulged on the various situations on where he was right all along. He smirked at himself. But when he saw how lonely he truly was, without James, or the Marauders, he felt a large pang of guilt bombard him. He wasn't too different from Snape.

* * *

The seventh floor—secluded above all things—was Severus' hideaway. He could escape from life, plan his next move or waste away along with time, without a single person there to bother him. He sat on the cold marble floor, writing things in his crafted, yet sharp handwriting.

He found himself an empty room. There was no furniture, nor carpeting. It was the least impressive room in all of Hogwarts, and for that reason it was perfect. The walls were caramel colored, swirled with a beautiful bronze, and flecked with specks of cream, like a fine coffee. The floor was and odd pale lavender, which was calming and comforting color to Severus. The ceiling had one small bronze chandelier, which held white candles.

Life had entered a boring stage once more. Alone, he had nothing to die for. He had convinced himself that by staying away from those he loved, that they would eventually forget that he had existed, and in forgetting they could never feel betrayed by him.

_To think I was that big of an idiot. Blinding myself is all I do, isn't it? _As he thought, he found himself giving into temptation. He looked at the once blank page of him notebook and saw Lily's face in black and white, looking at him, smiling slightly, but awkwardly. He closed his notebook, only to open it again, repeating the same ludicrous movements over and over, until he finally went mad and threw the book at the wall with such force that it split the spine in half. He lied down, his hair scattering on the pale lavender colored marble.

_Break up with her, before it gets too serious. She can find another man. She ended it with Potter, so she won't go back to him. She doesn't need you! You don't even deserve her for Merlin's sake. Leave her. Abandon her. You've done it before. It will be simple, and swift. Just never face her again. _

Pessimistically, he kept on fighting with himself. He found no answer good enough. He was not only lying to her, but he was hiding every true, deep, dark secret. In a relationship, you must have trust, and you must be able to confess to the person your every secret unreluctantly. But he had so forcefully hidden who he truly was, knowing that beneath his first layers of filth, lied more filth, and then beneath that, at his core was his rotting heart, slowly decaying because of the darkness that he let himself be engulfed by. Lily was his light; the ever strengthening force which powered him through his morbid journey. Yet she was the force which caused him to delve deeper into the darkness, until it would fully blind him by its capacitating quality. He was not encompassed by the darkness of the evil forces which he had only begun to deal with. He was encompassed by his own follies, and therefore found his own darkness to submerge himself in. At the crossroads of life he had turned, thinking that he had finally gotten onto the unbeaten path. Two miles down, he had finally seen the many potholes on the twisting, uncertain road, which only led to a field of gravestones. His life was impending doom.

He bolted up, stood on his feet, wand at ready. The sounds of footsteps entered the room and echoed softly. "You aren't supposed to be up here," the voice of Regulus Black resonated through the large, circular room.

"And neither are you, but that doesn't seem to bother the both of us, now does it?" Severus tucked his wand in his robes.

"It's unlike you to escape the room in the middle of the night, when there isn't a meeting. Why are you up here so late, or rather so early?"

"It doesn't matter really." He hadn't taken pleasure in conversing with Reg as of late. Regulus had grown fond of talking about the Death Eaters' motives, and spoke highly of them, so highly that Severus had begun to think of every excuse, no matter how terrible it might be, just to get away from him. He had begun to lost hope in his friend, if he could still call him that. He knew a lost cause when he saw one.

Regulus picked up the split pieces of the note book that lied on the floor. He flipped through the pages of each rather quickly. But something had caught his eye once he flipped through the second half a second time. On the third page lied a drawing, so intricately drawn that it looked human in a surreal sense. The fine lines of hair whisked against a smiling face, and the shine in the carefully drawn eyes cause him to gape in awe. He handed the pieces of the journal to Severus. "Heartbroken?"

"No," he looked away from Regulus, not in the mood for talking about his miserable love life.

"If the Dark Lord finds out—"

"Do you think I ruddy care about what he will do if he finds out? Regulus, what does whom I care for have to do with anything? These silly ideas you have stored in your mind about what you can and cannot do. I'm the one who is older. I have maturity and experience; as such you should get it through your head: You must listen to me."

"You were never this cranky a year ago. Come to think of it, everything changed in October. Suddenly you were a different person. Why should I listen to you? Tell me, have you changed your mind again? Are you unwilling to join the Dark Lord? I told you once Snape, and so did Avery—the Dark Lord does not like those who he cannot trust."

"Leave." He casted a terrifying look upon his face.

"You cannot do anything that will force me to."

When Severus walked away, Regulus grabbed him. Severus tried to pull away, but only ended up pinned against the floor. "We will talk about this right now Snape. Whether you like it or not."

Severus pushed him off. "I have never met a person more stubborn than you." He wiped off his sleeves as he sat on the floor across from Regulus.

"I want answers. I deserve them too. You can't deny me that. You haven't been yourself since October."

"I will answer your questions, but if any word I utter shall leave this room, I warn you, I will obliviate, not only you, but every person within the walls of Hogwarts. Heed my words: I will not hold back on any punishment."

"What side are you on?"

"The Dark Lord's, and I will forever be on his side." Severus nearly smirked. He had been given no Veritaserum. He could lie skillfully, and freely.

"What is your situation with…Evans?"

"We are currently in a relationship, but it will not interfere with any of my goals, nor the goals of the Death Eaters. I plan on letting this relationship run its course."

"Are you implying that it will end, and possibly soon?"

"I am only saying that I will let it continue, or end if it must. You very well know that I am not a seer, and furthermore, I am not insane enough to yell out so-called prophecies, such as Trelawney does on a daily basis. I cannot predict what will happen between Lily and me."

Regulus nodded his head in satisfaction. Maniacally, he began to laugh, his laughter loud and disruptive to Severus' train of thought. Severus too began to laugh out of pure insanity, unable to distinguish whether it was appropriate or not.

"What has happened to us?" Regulus said between his fits of laughter.

"I often ask myself the same thing."

The laughter had gotten out of control. The sense of an aphrodisiac filling the air was thick, but both knew it was impossibility. Regulus' clutched his stomach and rolled on the floor as he laughed even louder, completely oblivious to anyone or anything but he and Severus. Severus had only begun to stop laughing.

"Severus?" Regulus asked as he lied on the floor, starring at the bronze tinted ceiling.

"Yes?"

"What has happened to us? We were once good friends."

"We've both been entangled by something too laborious to find time for friendship."

"I suppose that, that's true. But Severus?"

"Go ahead ask me anything. I'm almost convinced that this is a dream."

"It could be, after all it's only four in the morning." They both smirked. "Do you know why Sirius has started to act like a brother all of a sudden to me?"

"Maybe he feels remorseful," It was the only answer he had planned if such a question were to arise.

"He hadn't felt remorseful for the past six years."

"It takes time to feel remorse. Whether it takes a second or years, you will feel it before the day you die. It's inevitable."

"There's a quidditch game this weekend. I know the Slytherin's haven't played in a while considering the weather, but it is supposed to be nice out this weekend."

"I can't Regulus, I'm not interested in the game. You always wanted the Seeker position. Why not play for me instead? You have a slew of people as back up for Keeper."

"You can't be serious."

"Of course I can't. I'm Severus."

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius has gotten to you too?"

"We have formed a mutual respect for one another. Or at least we had."

"He's mentioned you these past few days. He says you aren't as bad as you seem."

"How touching," he sneered. "I always wanted his approval." His sardonic comment came off bitterly hilarious to Reg.

"You're like a brother to me, you know that Severus?"

"I believe you have told me that several times, yes. But isn't it important to view Sirius as your brother? After all, he is related to you. It's all the family values and what not. Isn't that what matters?"

"You've gone soft."

"No, I believe I've gone insane." They burst into another fit of laughter, but it did not last long.

Severus felt inebriated, and so did Regulus. Their conversation was bubbly and thick, sometimes sour and at other times sweet, like a fine bottle of alcohol. They had easily gotten drunk off it.

Eventually, Regulus left half asleep. Severus was once again alone in silence. He had felt slightly more cheerful, but it did not do anything for him.

Like an hour before, he had wrote in his notebook, experimenting with various ideas for spells, all the while thinking of what must be done. The hours floated away, and he left the room. The bronze colored, purple floored room now empty of everything.

Still confused, he wandered, throughout his day momentarily convinced that he had finally come up with an answer; when in reality he had only formed more questions.

* * *

Reviews? Follows? Favorites?

I expect the comments of 'He's going to break up with Lily'.

I'm just letting you know that only I know what will happen by the end of this story!

It's the joy of being the author.

How am I doing with this?

-E.S. Grey


	24. Chapter XXIV

XXIV

Alice and Lily were utterly bored. Neither of them has seen their boyfriends in the past week, and they were desperately searching for something to ensnare their minds. They lied on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Alice had nearly dozed off. It was late in the evening.

The rows of long, dark colored tables had been emptied from the hall. The ceiling was a dismal night sky, dotted with sparse stars and a large grey moon in the middle of the scene, which appeared to be shining brightly. The ecru colored floor was had recently been cleaned; it still smelled of peppermint and vervain.

"Why?" Alice asked. She lied on her black, her short hair slightly scattered across the floor. Her brown eyes were clouded with boredom.

"Why, what?" asked Lily. She turned to face Alice, who seemed to be mesmerized by the day's ceiling scheme.

"I know it isn't my place to ask this, but I'm curious…I just hope you don't get mad. Why do you like Snape? Didn't you two have a falling out a few years ago? It's just…unexpected."

Lily hadn't really expected Alice to ask her. Of all the people in the school, Alice wasn't one to ever question anything Lily had done. "I really don't know where to start."

"Anywhere is fine. One thing leads to another…and before you know it, you've been talking for an hour without even knowing it."

"Don't interrupt me while I speak and I will tell you everything I can."

"Fine, fine…"

The easiest place to start was at the beginning. "We met when we were nine. He was the first to tell me that I was a witch. With my parents being muggles, and me living in a muggle neighborhood, I didn't have anyone really. Well, until I met Severus.

"He was an awkward boy—a real oddity. But he was sweet. I know, it isn't the first word you would use to describe him, but he really is sweet, deep down. He was my key to the wizarding world. He made me feel…excepted and normal—very unlike a freak.

"We developed a close friendship quickly. He would go to my house, or we would meet at the park almost every day. He taught me about the wizarding world every day, and showed me books about it. He did all he could to make me feel relaxed and assured.

"Before we knew it, we were on the train to Hogwarts. He talked about how he wanted to be in Slytherin, and at the time I wanted to be one too—not because of the motives and what not. I just wanted to be close to him. The four houses seemed like barriers to me at the time. Now, I see that they are just that.

"Once we were sorted into different houses, we made a pact to never let anything separate us. For most of the time, it was strong, and our friendship blossomed. He was so helpful, and showed me his inner self on a daily basis.

"He defended me when the Slytherins taunted me, and I defended him when the others taunted him. We were like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.

"It was in third or fourth year when everything began to change. Feelings and crushes started to burst around the school. I'm sure you remember how everyone was chattering about their latest crush, or romantic pursuit.

"At the time everyone was talking about how they wanted to be with James…I couldn't understand it then. And then there was me. Half of the school believed that I liked James, the other half believed that I liked Severus. When they would ask me, I would only blush and deny that I liked anyone. Maybe I had a crush on Severus back then…

"It was also at that time, when Severus had started to get more involved with the group of people who wanted to be Death Eaters. I tried so hard to get him on the right side. Back then, I could only hope, no matter how many things he did or said to prove me otherwise."

She started to cry, but tried her best to wipe away her tears. "In fifth year, it all spiraled out of control. Merlin, I loved him then. But he was so…dark—always talking about He Who Must Not Be Named. There were moments where I thought it could work. It was almost surreal, like there was a light flickering on and off. He and I would study for hours each day, but we had never gotten far. We would kiss each other on the cheek awkwardly every few minutes. I still wonder how we had never kissed each other on the lips that year…

"He was romantic sometimes. It took his every ounce of thought to create even the smallest amount of romance, but I cherished it more than anything. To think that I didn't notice that he fancied me that much…

"We had that falling out of course." She started sobbing harder. Even now, it was painful to talk about it. "It hurt so much then. He was my first real friend, my first crush, the first person who had ever made me feel normal, who ever made me feel beautiful and who ever made me feel truly and utterly wanted.

"I couldn't take it anymore. He had chosen his path and I had chosen mine. So I broke it off. I didn't want to hurt anymore, but I only ended up hurting even more. I decided not to talk to him after that day. I didn't want to break down.

"In the next year and a half we never really spoke to each other. I remember this one project we had. It was for potions—it's always potions with him and me. We were brewing something, I can't even remember. It was only a month or so after the falling out.

"No one was in the library and it was dimly lit. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. We were both so broken. I saw it in his eyes, and I am sure that he had seen it in mine. I broke, unable to hold it in any longer. I hugged him. I told myself it would be the last time. I kissed his cheek and pulled away. I told him I was sorry, before I ran out of the room with all my books. I cried my heart out. We never spoke of that day again.

"And then there was James. He filled the hole for a time. In sixth year I agreed to go out with him. I didn't have Severus' sense of what is right and what is wrong. It was amazing for a time…I thought it would work. It made me forget about him. I let myself get lost." Lily was sitting up now, her fists were clenched tightly, and tears dripped down her cheeks, landing on her lap and the floor. Her head was down, and her hair in curtains around her face.

"This year he came to me. Something about him changed. I could feel it in the air around him. He saved me when we were helping Hagrid. He risked his life for the person he called a—a Mudblood. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I told myself that it was just a reflex and that he hadn't changed. The next thing I know, I accept his offer and talk to him.

"He—he told me that he changed. He told me that he didn't want to be a Death Eater. He came to me with promises. He came to me on his own, and wholeheartedly apologized for everything and even more. I saw him cry for me, for everything. I had never seen him cry before.

"Everything that died inside of me came back to life. But it was so confusing, because I loved James, or at least I thought I did. I accepted his friendship eventually. We grew close over the next few months. Every time I was with James I thought about him. It felt so wrong, but so fantastic.

"When James proposed, I couldn't accept it. I had already fallen in love with Severus. He is intelligent and talented. Most people see him as quiet and cranky, but I love him for his quietness and sarcastic and sometimes morbid humor. If I fall he is always be behind me and he will always catch me. I doubted him once, but now everything seems so clear when I am with him.

"We kissed for the first time on Christmas Eve and it was…everything and even more. After that we hit it off. I know most people say he has greasy hair, but it is usually extremely soft. His nose is a bit crooked, but it doesn't bother me. His teeth are crooked as well, but he isn't the only one. And if you look into his eyes you see his heart and his soul in them. I think he is handsome in his own way.

"I'm not looking for perfect. I'm looking for someone who can love me, and someone I can love back just the same. Severus is just that. To me, he is perfection. I couldn't ask for more."

Alice flung her arms around Lily as she finished her spiel. "I'm so happy for you!" she exclaimed.

"Thank you."

* * *

Mindlessly, he became a robot. Mechanically, he worked for one goal, completely lacking in morals. He was programmed, so well that he could listen to two masters. It was a horrendous way to work.

Severus Snape looked over his notes once more, trying to rack his brain one more time, before creating the damned potion. He knew he wouldn't get it wrong. He had that certain flare, the subtle art, the meticulous mind, all in him. He knew which combination of ingredients would work together well and had already predetermined the measures. But he had hoped, above all things, that for once in his life, he was wrong.

In a mortar and pestle he crushed the snake fangs which were dipped in a viper's poison. He added it to the cauldron, and on the lowest heat he stirred them: Two stirs clockwise and seventeen counterclockwise. He added a full cup of whole Deathcamas flowers to the cauldron and let them sit for five minutes before stirring twice clockwise. For a torturous measure, he added hyacinths—seven bulbs, finely chopped. He added copious amounts of blood, and several other disturbing ingredients, before he left it to steep.

Half an hour passed, the foggy mist from the potion had engulfed the entire room. Severus could only see a meter in front of him. The scents of the room had changed various times, from metallic to vomit, from vomit to bitter almonds, and from bitter almonds to toasted coconut. In the end, it smelled oddly pleasant.

He turned the cauldron off, his hand shaking. Carefully, he put the contents of it into an overly large phial. He stowed it in his cloak for the time being. He felt reviled with himself. _What kind of person does this? None of this is for a good person, nor is it for the weak of heart._ He felt the blood drip down his hands, before he was even aware that he had caused them to , he wrapped his bleeding hands in layers upon layers of black gauze.

_This is the last time I will make a potion like this. This will be the last time I will use the creative art for something so malevolent. This will be the last time, because it will all end soon. This will be the last time, because if it isn't I would rather die than continue to do this for the rest of my life. This will be the last time…because I'm foolish enough to hope it will be. _

He was lost and needed to be found. He had gone for so long without so much as a whisper of love or a dip in the light. He relished the thoughts of just a moment, or even a simple, small kiss from Lily.

* * *

"Albus," he muttered as he entered the headmaster's office.

"I wasn't expecting you today, Severus." The headmaster had returned soon after the conversation he had with Severus roughly a month ago. "What has happened?" he asked, curiously, but worriedly.

Severus slammed the potion on the spindle-legged table nearest to him. "I've done it. I do not know if it will work, but I cannot have it with me. It must stay here until the next meeting." He walked over to the chair across from Albus' desk, sat down and folded his hands on his lap.

"I will keep it safe until then. However, have you created a cure for it? You must hurry if you haven't. It is of vital importance."

"I am researching. The one flaw is that I seem to have created it so well, that a cure may be exceedingly difficult to find."

"Yes, I am aware." Albus eyes flashed at the corner at a moving object in the corner of the room. "When is the attack?"

"It's in a fortnight. I believe that we will be attacking just before the midnight hour. Our forces are not large in numbers, but there are a handful of competent wizards among us. If you do unleash the aurors upon us, they must attack us in secrecy. There are many mistakes they had made when I was much older, and unfortunately I was not in control of their actions. However, I believe that you will be able to take my suggestion to them."

"I had never thought of that…" Albus grumbled, angered by the fact that he couldn't have come up with such a simple, nay obvious idea. "I will suggest it. It will lessen the casualties on our side."

"It will indeed…"

* * *

James sat alone, angered by what he had seen in the past few months. Lily, snogging Snivellus—it irked him to the point where he started to gag. He had lost the ongoing battle for Lily's love. At one time, it was amazing with Lily. Everything was perfect until Snape had shown up again, and made himself her supposed friend.

James was broken, but was healing rather slowly. His heart heaved whenever he had thought of her. He hadn't slept or ate very well in the past month and a half. It was all a very different experience to him. He was used to being the one who broke hearts, not the one who had their heart broken.

He shuddered as he felt a hand upon his shoulder. When he turned to see who was there, he saw no one. But once he turned back, there stood a short, attractive woman, with short blond hair and striking eyes which resembled a vast turquoise ocean. She smiled widely, her teeth perfectly straight against her pale pink lips. Her skin was wonderfully olive-toned. She was a bit podgy and held voluptuous curves. "Hello," her voice was pleasant.

"Hi," he smiled slightly.

"You seem as if you're in need of company." She sat next to him. "Here," she said as she handed him a large cookie.

"Thanks." He only held it in his hands, not particularly hungry. "I'm sorry, but I didn't catch you name."

"Selene Murray, I'm in Hufflepuff. I'm a sixth year."

He suddenly remembered seeing her on the Quidditch pitch. "You play Quidditch right?"

"I used to…I broke my arm last year. It isn't good for Quidditch anymore."

"You're not alone." He smiled wider, but sadly.

As he munched on the cookie, not a single word as said between them. After a while, though she was still there, he looked down at his feet and commenced grieving over Lily.

"Whoever broke your heart didn't deserve you," she finally said.

"Sometimes I wish that were true…" They spent the rest of the evening talking mostly about Quidditch.

* * *

Regulus walked with Sirius, Lily walked with Severus and James walked with Selene into the great hall. They never faced each other. Dumbledore stood up on his podium, prattled a bit and then sat down for dinner.

Owls flied into the room, newspapers scattered onto the tables in front of nearly everyone. At first, Lily and Severus ignored it. Eventually they opened it, expecting a mundane occurrence to be on the front page. Instead, they saw something heart shattering on the front page.

The headline read: **Twenty Eight Muggles Dead**

Beneath it, a picture showing a great pile of dead bodies bleeding onto each other was placed. There were screams coming from the great hall as more and more scanned over the article.

Lily buried in Severus' shoulder as she started to cry. She chanted "Why," over and over. Severus could not comfort her. He sat frozen, his arms wrapped around Lily, but he weakly held onto her.

He could not whisper words of comfort to her, because they would only be lies. There was no room for optimism, nor space for comfort. At that moment there was only life, and those who had lost it ever so swiftly. At that moment, those who lived saw a massacre larger than they had thought would have happened.

Lily turned her head once more, to see if it were indeed true. The one thing the newspaper article hadn't accounted for was the one half-blooded witch, laying on the top of the pile, motionless, a smile on her face and her eyes rolled back into the sunken sockets of her skull. Her once long, beautiful brown hair had been completely cut of, and a large, deep gash marred her once pink cheek. She was no longer alive to spread gossip around the school. So many had detested her, but so many had loved her like a sister as well.

The students pushed their meals away. In silence, they raised their wands. No one had a word to say, nor the strength to come up with something. They threw their newspapers into one large pile in the center, unable to look at it any longer. They mourned, completely grief stricken by the loss of one of the students.

Lily's eyes grew dry, and her vocal chords tired of screaming. But Severus stayed completely frozen, still hugging her in his statuesque manner. The teachers found no words to say. Dumbledore had been the most silent of all. The sound of pouring rain filled the hall. Severus looked up to see that the ceiling had taken the form of a storm. The sky was an ugly green, filled with sickly clouds.

Mary MacDonald was dead.

* * *

A/N: Tell me how I'm doing. I know, it's sad. If you are weak hearted keep reading, because that is how you will gain the strength in your heart.

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	25. Chapter XXV

XXV

Severus uncorked a bottle. Inside of it lied a lumpy liquid which was tan in color. He gently placed a few sand colored hairs into it. Grimacing, he drank the bottle. It tasted revolting; it highly resembled the taste of molded cheese. After drinking it, he fell to the floor. On his hands and knees he began to gag, but he never retched. He crawled across the floor and grudgingly placed a few corked tubes into his long, black cloak, which was on a hanger next to the pearl colored vanity.

Polyjuice Potion was never something that quite agreed with Severus. He forced himself up, only to collapse onto the old, porcelain toilet's seat of a toilet which no longer worked properly. The half lavatory was tiny in stature. It was a wonder that he could move around as much as he had in it. The walls were painted with scenes of the sea, storming in a tempest of disastrous proportions.

Once he gained his physical proficiency, he went over to splash his face with handfuls of cold water. He let the water run as he looked up at himself to see what he now looked like. He starred into the only mirror in the bathroom. It was cracked across the middle. His face was lightly tanned, and his hair was now short and sandy in color. He had a small nose and honey colored eyes. There were scars across his cheeks and a few fine lines across his forehead. He wasn't all too fond of his new appearance, but it was fitting for what he was about to do. He pulled on his navy suspenders over his white long sleeved shirt, creating a sort of ragged, disgruntled farmer look. Putting on his cloak, he exited the lavatory.

In what he assumed to be the living room, was a gathering of mostly, Death Eaters. Only a few non-Death Eaters were allowed to join in on the raid, which Severus had hoped would have eventually been cancelled because of some new development, but, as usual, he hasn't gotten something he so dearly wished for.

Severus needn't have had to move his head the slightest to know that Lucius Malfoy was striding across the ivory floor, his head held up like the king of kings and his wife, not quite as arrogantly ostentatious as he, on his arm. He let go of her when they reached the front of the crowd. He climbed up to steps on the red carpeted, curved and overly large, albeit impressive stairwell.

A crystalline glass of burgundy wine was brought to him by a whimpering, young house-elf with tennis balls sized, chartreuse eyes. Severus vaguely remembered the house elf working at Hogwarts for the several years of his life…but the house-elf seemed more important to him now that he had begun to analyze its all too familiar features. He would have to keep an eye on it; he was sure he would.

Lucius raised the glass of wine in the air. "Tonight we raid!" he announced loudly over the garish gossiping of the cloaked figures. A hush fell over the room: One by one, each member turned to face the leader. Then, starting with one overly excited person the crowd roared in cheer—already expecting success, they were.

"We will leave within ten minutes. By then I want you all to be more than prepared." Lucius looked around the room carefully, a bead of sweat trailed down his neck: The Dark Lord wasn't there, and he wasn't sure if he would be.

Lucius explained as much as he could of the plan that Snape and he had mostly prepared, but everyone was too absentmindedly going through their various, separate schemes.

At a certain point, it grew too much for Severus. Using whatever grand authority he could muster at his young age, he marched onto the stairwell and faced everyone, his stare intimidating, his face stony, and his mouth radiating with indignation. He stood; his back straight and his arms crossed as they usually were.

"Quiet," he said in an almost whispered. Aweingly, the Death Eaters stood completely still, dread encompassing them, trepidation creeping slowly, but most of all; inquisitions filled their heads about who this person, which silenced them in a single half-whisper, could be. Even in this other person's being, he had the quality which made him so authoritive.

Severus instructed them out of pure instinct—nothing more. It was in his nature, programmed inside of him irreversibly. Much like in his years as a teacher, the people standing before him listen attentively because they felt compelled to do such a thing.

He so desperately wanted to look away from the faces of the people, if he could call them such a thing, which stood before him. Their damaged souls were clearly visible. There was a dimension to their faces of unmistakable tarnish. But he began to speak, and as he did, he felt more in place than ever. He felt like he belonged there, lurking in the darkness. A murderer, a broken man, a man who forgot about emotion other than pain; he found the part of himself that he had let go of so long ago.

"Tonight we kill." His voice was unnatural: There was a devilish quality to it. "The town of Shillings, which is infested with…" he paused, and swallowed deeply, "_Mudbloods_—which are unworthy of the lives and the magic they hold.

"Kill them in whichever way you want to, but be warned, you must not take hours and torturous days to complete the task. If you do such a thing, it will heighten the probability that you will eventually be imprisoned in Azkaban.

"The Dark Lord is very much looking forward to…pleasing results. We have given you a synopsis earlier. If you have forgotten it, do whatever you will, the Mudbloods will die anyway.

"There. Must. Be. No. Survivors."

They cheered at his cynical and precautionary speech.

The clock hand struck midnight. A low ringing reverberated through the large hall. One by one, the Death Eaters apparated away.

He prepared himself to apparate, but was stopped by a hand colder than ice. "Severus," a voice hissed out. The feeling of revulsion came to him once more. "Have you created the potion?" asked Voldemort.

Severus reached into the cloak's pocket and pulled out a phial. "Yes my Lord. It is ready to…test. I hope I do not disappoint."

In his peripheral vision, he could see Voldemort grin maniacally before walked away, his long, dark green robes slithering behind him. With a feeling of disgust, Severus apparated away. He felt as if he were falling through an impossibly thin vortex.

He landed on his two feet without falling to the cold, ice covered marsh. He carefully placed each step in order to not slip. He was the only human within the marsh. The marsh itself was full of life, but only with the lives of the plants and creatures which could withstand the February cold. It wasn't very much of a marsh, for there were no shrubs or plants which could hide him from the world. Yet he approached, unnoticed by a single member of the small town of Shillings.

At the top of a hill he could see the roofs of the dwarf-like houses and their roofs puffing with thick, grey smoke. The town's center had a ground of crystalline stones which shone in the moonlight and a fountain, whose water was magically frozen in midstream. The town greatly resembled a village in a fictitious novel. The people of the town were idly sleeping in their houses, unaware of the dangers that were in store for them.

Ruefully, he climbed down the hill and took his post. The Death Eaters were not visible to him, yet he knew where each one was at that very moment. He took a gold pocket watch from the pocket in his cloak to check the time. He quickly closed it.

Precisely three bursts of green magic filled the sky followed by five eights of a burst of red in the sky. The seconds passed and nothing happened. In the distance a mockingbird sang a maddening song, but when it stopped the sounds of burning wood, crinkling as it smoldered filled the town. And slowly one by one, he saw the Death Eaters on brooms in the sky, casting an array of Dark Spells over the town, till finally it happened; the middle of town unhinged itself in a mass explosion of crimson fire and blackened shrapnel.

There were screams as the people of the town ran out of their houses to see what was going on. He ran in a near gallop to the center of the town. His wand was at ready, he casted Sectumsempra wordlessly along the way to a destination he was not yet sure of. It was strange to him that they did not fight back. He felt bedeviled by the ease of which he hurt the poor souls.

There were corpses on the ground, woman and men, children and elderly, pregnant females and babies only a few days old, all on the ground, their blood seeping into the cracks of the once beautiful chiseled stone pathways. He continued to cause damage, but he never killed. Around him, there were the Death Eaters who killed, and those like him, who only damaged people because of the morals that they still had within them.

He was taken as a lurid beast by the victims he drew blood from. Most looked at him in awe, for they say this blond man as a harmless farmer, until they collapsed to the ground, clutching the spot which bled the most. At one point he gave up, his energy no longer with him. He did not know what came over him, but he knew he could no longer do what he was doing.

At the corner of an unburned building he observed the raid. The murderers would smile and laugh, almost joyously it sounded, but it wasn't true joy for he very well knew that it was the highest form of insanity. People would collapse at his feet and ask of him only one thing: To let them live another day. But he would kick them off, and he would look away, wishing that he were no longer in that body. Tears stained his face, but the people around him saw it as the grimy sweat a killer could only produce. He drank another Polyjuice Potion eventually so he could keep his cover. The aurors were not there and he was not sure of what he could do.

He winced as the shrieks became less shrill and as more and more people lost hope and bravery. They became more than willing to die. To them, it was a final plea: _"Kill me now"_. He was a mindless human—a human with no bounds of good and bad and a human who forgot the reason why he was living. At that moment, he became someone else, neither the person he truly was on the inside, nor the person he stole the form of, nor a person you could call human.

He stepped over the piles of bodies, wood and glass, all of it crunching beneath his feet as his cloak billowed behind him, the edges of it either singed or burning with bright yellow flames. His black army style boots were covered in blood, causing them to leave red footprints wherever there was a clear spot of ground. He cast harmful spells and pushed people away from him.

He made it to the outskirts of the town, where most of the fight was going on. Nearly all were villagers were dead, but there were few who fought with the strength that they didn't have. The wind began to howl, his hood fell off of his head. The Polyjuice Potion stopped working. He was himself once more, his right cheek having a large cut running down it, blood draining into his cloak and onto his torso.

A girl, no less than six years old crawled to his feet, tears streaming down her face. She had dark chocolate colored hair; it was all he could see of her head, for she kept her face down. She was wearing a dainty pink nightgown. She crawled with her two back legs and one arm; for she was holding a white teddy bear in her other hand.

She looked up at him, her face covered in dirt and tears wetting her face. She had a small nose, and sugarplum-like cheeks. Her eyes were tightly closed. She sniffled a bit before feeling up his legs and then sitting on her bottom. "Help me find my mummy," she said through her tears, in her slightly high, childish voice. She opened her eyes. They were the dullest shade of brown that could have ever been made. But there was something in them—something that made his true self awaken once more. He saw Lily in them.

"Why don't you just kill the girl!" shouted a crazed Bellatrix. She cackled and proceeded to cast a spell at the girl. He couldn't react fast enough. The girl chocked out blood once the spell hit her. The battle was over. No one was left.

The village was in ruins; the buildings were collapsed the corpses were left to rot, for none of the Death Eaters would care to dispose of them properly. In years to come, Severus was sure that no one would frequent the village and that no one would bother to repair something that was completely obliterated.

He looked up to see a large shard of glass—larger than his own body—standing a meter away from him. He saw the reflection of the disastrously proportioned massacre, but more impactingly, he saw himself, covered in blood, resembling a blood lusting maniac, with a girl whose life was fleeting, at his feet. He broke: The reflective glass broke along with him into millions of pieces, which blew away with the wind, passed him, never to return to that exact spot ever again. It was a fate worse than death, his life at that moment. He took the girl in his arms and apparated away, the Death Eaters not bothering to look at him as he did so.

How he ended up at Hagrid's rustic hut, he didn't know; how he got through the infinite wards Dumbledore had set up to protect the castle, he didn't know—but he thanked God a thousand times over that he defied the blasted protections, and defied the laws of apparition. He made it to the door of the hut, staggering his steps as he walked to it. He knocked on the door weakly; for he could muster know strength. His legs buckled and then he collapsed, the girl falling on top of him. He felt her breathe against him. He muttered an ancient spell in a runic language. A pale blue, sparkling light came, and he healed the girl instantly.

The door opened, Hagrid came out and his shriek pierced through the howling wind of the night. Severus looked up at him to see his lips moving, but he could hear nothing. It was strange to him how that despite the fact that it was hours into the night, Hagrid was wearing his old olive colored shirt and his brown work pants, and completed the look with a large fur coat. Severus smiled as he saw the red flames of the fire Hagrid had always kept. Severus thought of Lily, and for a moment, he felt innocent, like nothing had happened, just like he knew Lily had always felt. And suddenly, he was sure that it was the end of the line here, at this very spot. But he didn't want to die, curled up onto the floor, clutching the girl he had just saved. He felt lifeless and husked. He wanted nothing more than Lily to be there to greet him with a cup of warm tea and the loving grip she had when she held him.

He looked at the trees as they swayed with the wind. He felt the warmth from the small child he clutched onto. There was the feeling of his love for Lily, beating in his heart, bleeding in his veins, fueling his soul. His eyes began to flutter shut as he inhaled a deep breath. He swore that he saw people running toward him, screaming things he could barely hear. Then there was Lily, screaming and crying as soon as she saw him on the floor, bleeding from the cuts he thought he didn't have. He whispered an apology, _"I'm sorry I failed,"_ but it went unheard.

Lily knelt beside him, clutching him, wailing more sorrowfully than a banshee, who had to announce yet another coming death. He forced his eyes to stay open. Lily moved the child off of him. She felt her hearts slowly splintering. "Don't die," she yelled, and when she realized it was useless to scream such things, she laid down to the side of him and breathed in whatever was remaining of his sweet scent, trying to ignore the scent of blood which was so pungent on him. She kissed him passionately. It was a kiss that should have been accompanied by hours of loving and caressing in the middle of a magnificent night with the moonlight shining down on their skin as they claimed each other as their own. He tried to kiss her back, but could only manage to give her a modicum of the love he felt for her through that kiss. He stroked her cheek lightly, the blood on his hands sullying her perfect porcelain-like skin.

"I love you," she whispered to him. He couldn't hear her, but he didn't need to hear her to know what she was saying.

"I love you too," he managed to choke out. "Live happily, for me."

The world turned cold and black. He welcomed the morbid things that were to come. Through the frosty oasis that he was in, he felt his heart beating harder than ever before, warming him from his core, but failing to make him feel the heat he was accustomed to. His chest was sweltering. He had never felt a more profoundly sublime thing. For a moment, he thought he was dying. A moment later, he was sure that he was dead.

* * *

A/N: I can't leave it there, can I? I'm updating Wednesday. I cried while writing this. And no, I cannot tell you if it is or is not really over. Wednesday will tell you. Maybe if I get enough reviews and or follows, I will update sooner…hmmm….

I have no beta, yet. Help me find one, please?


	26. Chapter XXVI

XXVI

There were bright lights when he woke up, but what worried him was the greenish haze that took over wherever he was. He felt a sense of failure first, then desperation, lastly came hopelessness and sorrow, for he came back in time, only to die once more, but earlier than before. It was strange to him that there were whispers when he awoke, but he could not make sense of what they were saying.

_"He's awake," _he finally heard. Or was it the voice in his head, telling him things he wanted to hear? He felt empty inside…like a part of his heart had been torn away and stomped on a muddy, coal black ground. So was he really dead or alive?

It occurred to him that there was still a beating in his chest, that he felt the warmth of his surroundings, that he could still breathe a breath so familiar to him and that he could somehow smell the light scent of lemon drops, but more so the pungent aroma of Honeydukes' candy in the air. He then understood that he was alive, and he had never been more thankful for life than at that moment. He had not mucked up, or at least, not yet.

Dumbledore sat next to him in a mahogany rocking chair. He was knitting what looked like a pair of socks, a black and white rainbow in color. He put down the socks he was knitting to look up at Severus. "Severus, can you hear me?" Dumbledore did not seem surprised that Severus had awoken, but more shockingly, his voice was void of happiness—he was uncharacteristically acting. It irked Severus.

"Unfortunately, yes, but I cannot see very well."

"Do not fear; your sight will come back soon. You've been here for the past few days. Your teachers have been told that you are out of school for family matters. You are in one of my private rooms in the castle. No one will be here to disturb you."

"I fear that I have already been disturbed, Headmaster." He saw the room had become less hazy as time progressed. "Am I truly alive?" he asked, still in disbelief that something had gone better than he could have hoped.

"Yes, you are indeed alive. I assume that you have some snide comment."

"If _"I have never been more thankful in my life"_ is a snide comment, then I will be vastly disappointed by today's society." He shifted in the bed, his left side, particularly his ribcage, was burning with pain.

"I apologize for my lack of success to persuade the Auror Department to take control of the raid in Shillings. They did not believe me when I had provided them with the information. It was rather late in the night. They chose to be ignorant."

"I do not care about that." He did care slightly though, for one of his questions had been answered. "We have more important things to worry about, Albus. There is the matter of the Horcruxes. I need evidence and possibly the shoddiest, seemingly misleading and even near worthless leads to where one of them could possibly lie. I have lived my previous life serving two maniacs. I know their tendencies well enough, or I at least hope that I know some of the Dark Lord's."

"You take me as a maniac Severus?"

"We all are maniacs in our own ways. In this world there are no sane people. People are enamored with one thing or another to a point where it should be considered unhealthy." He felt delirium swoop over him for a mere minute and then the room began to become clearer, more vivid than he had ever seen anything before.

"Albus, I need you to voice your suspicions soon. I would rather defeat him sooner than later. You are aware of what could happen. Because things are different now doesn't mean that it won't happen later, or even with a different set of people."

"You should rest before we do anything Severus."

"The Dark Lord isn't resting now nor will he ever." He felt a sense of oncoming déjà vu, but brushed it off quickly. "I need you to access whatever you have. You taught him for seven years, surely you much have something."

"I will see what I have," he said with a faint glimmer in his eye as he recalled where he might be keeping such things…

There were moments where Severus felt alone, and he was not sure whether he was or not. It scarred him half to death, but by looking at his face you could almost think that he was sleeping peacefully in his upright position, his eyes nearly closed and his mouth slightly agape as he silently breathed. He reached out, but felt nothing. He wanted to get up, but he had no idea of where he was and why Dumbledore had seemingly disappeared.

A reassuring voice came, "Ms. Evans was obliviated after the…shocking incident. We believed it would be best if she did not remember what happened." He did not reply; he did not know what to think, much less say.

When his vision returned he was in shock at where he was. He was on what seemed like a queen sized bed, its sheets deep burgundy with bronze trimmings. The walls were decorated with archaically styled wallpaper, baroquely embedded on them were flecks of sparkling dust from various gems, causing a sort of green sheen to erupt every now and again. There was a train on the walls of the circular room whizzing silently in the air, puffing smoke every minute or so. The floor was rich cocoa colored parquet. Severus smirked and nearly laughed when he saw the large bowl with an assortment of candies on a rectangular coffee table. He truly laughed when he saw another table with a pot of tea, tea cups beside it and minute, finger sized cakes filled with sweet blackberries, some with vanilla custard and others with lemon. This was the perfect room for the headmaster. A childish room lavishly ornamented for the old codger—very much like Albus to create for himself.

"What's so amusing Severus. I must say, I have not seen you in such a mood in the entire time I have known you. I do not know if I should be worried."

He laughed a bit harder for a second. It was unnatural, but it felt astounding to feel it bursting out of him. "I thought you would be the one to be overjoyed when the day came where I would laugh in front of you, Albus." The Headmaster looked at him bewilderingly. "My sight had returned only for me to see such a room as this. I find it—all of this amusing. I had never expected something quite like this, though it fits you rather well." The old man smiled in return, his half-moon spectacles earning a glare as he did so.

A door opened with such a slight creak that only Severus could have heard it. His eyes darted to the left corner in which stood a girl holding a grimy stuffed bear, a look of both terror and love on her face as she reluctantly took a step forward. He half thought that the girl had been an apparition when he had saved her from the brink of death. His eyes widened when she started walking toward him. She climbed onto the bed with him and sat there, observing him, completely in awe, as if her child's mind was about to explode from the utter enormity that he was to her. Tears slowly began to pool in her eyes as she smiled widely at him, her lips slightly quavering. She stretched her thin arms around him.

"Daddy," she whispered. "I missed you." His arms shook as he went to hold her on an impulse. "You 'member me Daddy, don't you? I'm your little Emma, 'member?"

He looked at the child in his arms and then to Dumbledore. Was he really out only the few days that he had told him he was? There were so many questions, but before he could think of any he saw that the room began to spin and he felt as if he were flying higher and higher, until finally he crashed to the ground.

She started to sob silently before she wrapped herself around him, latching herself to his torso, unwilling to ever let go of him. "Mummy said that you were gone, but you're 'ere now. I love you daddy." She fell asleep quickly in his arms: He set her on the bed next to him as he got up, pain shooting from his torso.

"She is shocked from the attack. She is trying to replace the empty feeling she has inside with you, or more likely, you greatly resemble your father, who could very well have died when she was younger," intoned Dumbledore, who was relaxing on his rocking chair.

"What do you suppose I do with this child? I have nowhere to put it, but the small garbage can that I am entitled to in my own home!" He paused to look at her as she slept soundlessly, sucking her thumb, though she was a bit old for it. He put his fingers in his hair, running them over her hair over and over again. "I would only ruin her."

"Posh. You've managed to take care of thousands of students previously, haven't you? This will all blow over soon enough."

"And what if it doesn't? Tell me. You are the one with all the answers, aren't you?" He began to circle the room maddeningly. "I can't deal with this. It's all too much." His face was reddening, his hands thrusted into his hair and fine lines forming on his forehead. He was livid.

"Soon enough she would be able to go to Hogwarts and you would be rid of her."

Severus sat down, taking in deep breaths. "That is six years away. I may not be alive by that time, and you are focusing on this mere child. Albus where are your priorities? Have you finally gone senile?"

"You know my answer. My priorities lie in love and love only. Love conquers all."

"Keep her here. I will…play my part with her. When she regains her actual memory and finds something to replace me, then I will let her go. I do not promise to love her, much less take care of her. But she will live. By live, I mean in this castle and not a distraction to me and my goals."

Severus stood up and carefully pushed the girl closer to the middle of the bed, where he once lied. He noticed that he was wearing his school robes over what seemed to be a pale blue pair of pajamas. As he took a step forward, he winced in pain.

"Severus, sit down, you need to rest."

"There isn't enough time. The wounds will heal over soon enough." He looked at the girl one last time. He marched out of the room, hoping that somewhere in the world there was a place where he could sleep peacefully. He hoped too much.

* * *

He passed Professor Flitwick in the halls, who was only a third of his height. He had a head of greying hair and a small pair of glasses perched up on his scrunching nose. He was like a miniature toy. "Ah, Severus," he began, "you did well on your Charms essay. I have never seen a student who could so fully and eloquently explain, much less so captivatingly understand with such reverence Morgana Groplings's seven theories of Monumental Regression of Charm Creation," he piped with his slightly higher male voice.

"Thank you Professor," Severus said modestly.

He walked into his Potion's class alone; he looked slightly flustered as he took his seat beside Lily, who placed her hand on his lap reassuringly. "I'm sorry. I've been busy with Head Girl duties and preparing for NEWT's. Maybe this weekend we could go out to Hogsmeade," she whispered into his ear. Meanwhile, Selene Murray was at the doorway, kissing James Potter on the lips before they walked away to their classes. Lily looked at them spitefully and whispered something having to do with him being an arrogant toe-rag.

Severus placed his hand on top of Lily's. "It doesn't matter Lils."

"I know, but to think that we could have spent the past two years together instead of me spending time with…him and seeing him doing all this is just sickening." She thought that Selene and he were perfect for each other—they were both people she wasn't all too fond of. She needed to get her mind off of things. Proceeding, she went to get the ingredients that were listed on the board. She plopped the miniature jars filled with weed like plants on the black countertop.

Their girthful Potion's Professor had taken the liberty to redecorate the bland classroom. It was now richly adorned with pricey looking objects, of which were all taken as rare ones that probably had few to none copies of themselves around the world. The room had also taken the scent of tropical pineapples, piña coladas and sometimes there would be a refreshing burst of a sour, yet sweet lime in the air, which would fade slowly.

Professor Slughorn walked in with his usual ostentatious stride, his girth bouncing every which way as he waddled to his desk, a box of candied pineapple in hand. He was wearing an unusually bright blue shirt beneath the putrid yellow colored suit he wore. The smell of his cologne and fine, pricey whiskey wafted to every corner of the room, filling it with a sort of intoxicating, yet sickening scent. He sat down at his desk; his pudgy thighs rolled of the brown velvet chair grotesquely. He twiddled with his mustache and let out a harrumphing sound as he went over the plans for the day, which he had seemed to have forgotten.

"It's written on the board sir," said Remus Lupin timidly; he was sitting in the desk across from where Severus and Lily sat. He looked pale and sickly, but he had a certain strength to him which you could see immediately if you were to stare into his bottomless eyes.

"Ah, yes. Just follow what is written on the board for today. You may or may not work with your partner today. It is really of no importance." He leaned on his chair and slid down it, yawning, while rubbing his pink-rimmed eyes, he nearly fell asleep, but Severus made a rather disruptive snort at what he saw Slughorn doing. Slughorn immediately stood up and began his regular lecture.

"As you know, we will be brewing Draught of the Living Death as we had not gotten to finish brewing it last year. I believe it would be beneficial to have you familiarize yourselves with this draught. I'm sure you all know the properties and such of this potion. I will monitor you as you go. Begin!"

Severus stirred the potion that he so revered, but as he saw his fellow classmates, almost all of which were incompetent idiots who should have been put in a far lower class he was in disgust; their utter failure to pay attention of any kind to their softly simmering cauldrons as a fine powdery mist began to emit from them was revolting.

"Oho, Severus," quipped Slughorn. "That is the fifth time I've seen you roll your eyes m'boy. What's troubling you?"

Severus squinted at him, trying to decide whether it was worth it or not to insult his methods. "Nothing you could possibly understand," he whispered into his cauldron. He sighed and rolled his eyes once more.

"That's it Severus, get up here!" The students were sniggering as Severus slowly walked up to Slughorn's desk, distant from whatever punishment may lie ahead of him. Severus looked at the man with his tired eyes, slightly bloodshot and his lids puffed up from lack of sleep.

"I know you're tired Severus. You've been gone the past few days doing Merlin knows what. I also know that you could probably do a better job up here than I can… This has never been asked of a student before: Would it consolidate you for the time being if you were to get up here and "be the teacher" as the class brews. Yes Severus, you may remove points from Houses.

He was a clever man, Slughorn. It was at these times where you could see that he was a snake. Severus knew what he was up to the moment he suggested it. Slughorn was possibly even more tired than he, and seeing Severus so worked up by the class had sparked an idea in his head—one that would get him out of teaching for the last class of the day. Severus would play this game for the sheer thought of being able to punish students was enough to ignite the part of him that so longed to be a teacher.

"Very well, I accept this offer." There was a twinkle in Severus' eyes—a maverick's light of sorts shining into them.

"Oho! Class, Severus will be a sort of teacher this period." They looked up at Severus and Slughorn, who were standing in front of the classroom, both of them looking rather unorthodox with their odd, never before seen looks on their faces. "Go resume brewing." Without a word, Slughorn left the classroom in Severus' hands, bouncing off to his king-sized bed.

Once the door shut the students took the liberty to begin to chatter loudly. One student had the audacity to stand up and question Severus' authority. "Oi! Snape—in charge—there's no need to brew anymore!" he shouted so everyone could hear.

Severus crossed his arms. "Quiet down class," he said in nearly a whispering, low, unwavering voice. One by one, they turned around; their mouths shut tightly, most of them whimpering at him. What was this that they felt taken over them? Had Severus casted a charm upon them? Only Lily knew it was no absurd magic that he used; this was just a quality he possessed so reverently, but used it rarely up until this day.

"Bell, that's ten points from Hufflepuff for your cheek. One more peep out of you and you'll be serving detention with Filch for three weekends. Anyone else who cares to question my position and authority shall serve an equal or greater punishment. Is that understood?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, sir."

"Return to brewing, you haven't got all day." He sat in Slughorn's chair, his upper lip curling. He would stand a few minutes later to observe everyone. "I wonder what would happen if we were to drink each other's potions…How many seconds do you think that it will take before we die? I'd say instantly…" They looked upon him with doe eyes, begging for mercy in their own ways. He had not tortured them, yet there was unambiguous consternation in their shining orbs.

It was a grand feeling to be the one who made the rules. For the first time, he admitted to himself that he missed his teacher's desk and the late nights he spent grading horridly written papers and examining worthless potions.

Lupin looked upon Severus with spite as the class exited through the front door. "Lupin, stay."

Remus walked over to him reluctantly and slowly. "What are you in need of Snape?" He surprisingly didn't have a problem with being near Snape. Unlike his friends, he didn't resent Snape; he rather felt awkward whenever he was near him. Though this time, he was slightly angered with Snape.

"You've been staring angrily at me during the entire class. I would like to know why." Severus put the flasks full of plant-like ingredients onto the shelves, while attempting to organize it slightly.

Lupin looked upon Snape with his turquoise eyes in curiousity. "It's Sirius. He's been to hell and back this past month. When I had asked him what was going on, at first he refused to tell me. After a bit of prodding, I had gotten him to tell me that it involved you. What are you planning to do with him, Snape?"

"It's none of your concern."

"I've heard you speaking with Dumbledore. Something's going on here. I can feel it in my veins." He paused to help Snape with the shelf full of ingredients. "I know it's none of my business, but I've heard enough to be curious."

Severus walked to a cabinet filled with potions of various color. He opened it and took out seven blue colored potions. "I'm in the Order Severus."

"You don't think that I don't know that already? I have my own things to do Lupin, and none of them include telling you." He slid the potions in Lupin's direction. "Take one of these each day for a week, before the full moon rises."

"That isn't—it can't be." He gasped.

"It is the Wolfsbane potion—brewed successfully."

"Thank you, Severus. I—I don't know if I'll be—thank you." He was in awe.

"You're not going to inquire that it's poisonous or tampered with? My, my—going soft are we? Where are the accusations?"

Lupin smoothed out his light brown hair before answering. "You wouldn't poison anyone Severus. You may be dark, but you aren't evil. I'll leave the Sirius thing where it is, for now, but if I see him like this once more, I will ask again and you will have to tell me something!" Lupin left quickly, the potions in hand.

Severus hadn't had a chance to fully absorb what had happened this past week. He turned to see Lily at the door, waiting for him, smiling happily, her eyes speaking words of praise. She had only heard the last sentence. She did not question their conversation; it wasn't her place to. He walked to her, and took her hand into his. Severus let himself drown in the woman, but he hadn't reached the bottom of the vast ocean, yet. However, he was close to it. How great and petrifying a feeling it was.

* * *

A/N: I am not evil—I am just dark. I didn't want to hold you by the tenterhooks too long, though I fear that I have done the opposite. Next chapter is coming on Sunday. You'll get a teaser for it on Friday.

To those of you who saw this on Monday for the few hours that it was up, I'm sorry for posting it again. I just felt like no one would read it because of Christmas. As I late Christmas present may I have follows, reviews and favorites?

By the way, for the 200th reviewer and 100th favorite and follower, I will write a one shot for you, about whichever couple of your choosing, it may or may not be from Harry Potter. (You may also have a say in the plot of the one-shot.)

-E.S. Grey


	27. Chapter XXVII

XXVII

A snake was wrapped around a skull. It was poison to the eyes. Severus felt his eyes burn with revile. He first felt sick, then disappointed. Ultimately, he was lost: He had failed. The Dark Mark was forever etched onto Regulus' skin. Severus' knees buckled: He fell to his knees, the word "why" repeating in his head over and over.

What made it even worse was that Regulus was crying, but no more tears could come from his eyes, for he had exhausted his supply long ago. "You were right all along Severus. How couldn't I have seen it? I was so blind. I don't want this. I can't do this anymore. I should have seen that you were trying to do something other than join _them_ for power."

"It's too late Reg, it's too late," said Severus, his voice broken and his Occlumency shield completely defenseless.

The two men were shattered statues who once stood greatly.

Regulus lied on the floor, completely lost and unwilling to live a moment longer. Not only was he disgusted by his vile master, he was disgusted by himself. Regulus' eyes were rimmed in red, his face reddened with each whimper and his arms and legs lay limply on the ground. His vigor was gone, his true life was only a memory, yet his morals were the strongest they had ever been in his life. His hair was greased, and the bones in his cheeks were pulled against his stretching, now sallow skin of his once attractive face. You could tell that he had isolated himself in the room for days upon days, mourning and unwilling to live life anymore. He was a hollow, grub infested, rotting log. He was aware of the mistake that he had made, and it made the feelings within him so much worse.

"I should have listened to Sirius and you. I don't want power. I don't need it. Please, help me, Severus."

He knew he could not help Regulus, and so he stayed silent, wondering if there was a one in a million chance to get him out of it, though he knew there was no such thing. Part of him wanted to admit that it was his doing that did this; that his lies were at fault and it was his follies which caused Regulus to spiral out of control. Yet there was his own unorthodox morals which told him to stay quiet, for words could not do anything in this situation. Words bring you so far, but the actions you do after you say them show what you truly meant by them. But he could take no action, so he said no words.

They were in a private room in the Hufflepuff hallway. It was painted the dreadfully cheerful color of peaches sitting in heated cream. There was a few lounge chairs in the room, but no other upholstery. The room was diffusely lit by lamps which barely had any light in them. Small fairies flied in the semi-translucent ceiling above head.

Sirius walked in to the room to see his brother and Severus bleeding their hearts out as if they were emotionally strong Gryffindors. He seemed to have aged a decade in a single day. His eyes were sunken, his lips were thick and red, but most of all his eyes were lifeless spheres, which were unwelcome to the world around him. "Regulus," he croaked. "I tried. I tried so hard. I'm sorry." He went over to his brother, and pulled his heavy, limp body off the ground into a half sitting position. "Regulus, please, don't give up on life just yet."

"Kill me; kill me now. I'll give you the sword. I'll write a note to the Ministry. Whatever it takes!—I can no longer do this."

"Snape, you've got to have something up that sleeve of yours. What's in that scheming head? Please tell me that you've got a plan."

"There's one, but it is…far too risky, and the possibility that Regulus could ever agree to such an absurdity is slim."

"I'll do whatever it takes Severus, please; I can't do this anymore." Severus helped Regulus up prudently. "I can't walk." The receiving of the dark mark had taken away the resilient qualities he once held. Voldemort's views were twisted: In order to feel pleasure, you must suffer first. Sacrifices are made for the greatest things of all.

Yet the dark mark was not a great thing. It was a heinous scar; one which most wizards hide, because eventually, they become ashamed of it, though they seem to wear it with the utmost of pride. It was a lie, their pride.

"Tell me, Snape, where are you taking him?" Sirius stood with his arms crossed defiantly. After what had happened, he wasn't sure if he could trust Snape, until the defining things to come.

"To Dumbledore—there is no other way that he can be saved." Regulus jumped out of Severus' arms. "Regulus!"

"Are you mad? What in Merlin's all mighty name has gotten in to you? I'll be sent to Azkaban; I'll be kissed." Regulus was trembling, his voice was however booming with indignation.

"Dumbledore had saved me once," was all Severus said; it was all Severus would let himself say, and that was already more than he had ever wanted to tell a person. "If you want to live, come with me—and I do not mean if you want to live a half-life. If you want to live a full life, with a second chance, come with me."

Severus walked away from them, not caring to look back. At first he heard nothing, but he smirked when he heard loud, clumsy footsteps behind him. If only they had enough time and if only Dumbledore was there…he was sure that everything would work out.

_I won't let Regulus go down this path… It's not too late. This time there is no reason to keep things the same way that they are. He will survive. I just need a time turner. Then, I could stop Regulus from attending the meeting. _

When the gargoyle greeted them, it was not all too pleasant. Its stony eyes stared at them; it did not budge a single half millimeter. The password had changed. For a moment, Severus thought that he would have to wait all night long to reach Dumbledore; he would wait even longer if he had to. To their joy, the gargoyle began to move, and out came a Dumbledore dressed in a mauve night gown with his large night cap trailing down his back. "What are you doing here boys this late at night?"

When their answers came out as a muffled cry (mostly from Regulus), he had them follow him to a room more private than his office. He could tell by the sheer look in Regulus' nearly sealed, horribly pained eyes that something had gone terribly wrong.

The room's floor seemed to be curved. It was marzipan in color. The room's walls resembled a grassy field on a wet day. Bookshelves held some of the rarest novels and informational texts known to date. There were twelve arm chairs in the room, all of which were rimmed by real gold. One could only begin to wonder what this room was used for.

The clocked ticked away, covering the meandering noiselessness between the men. Dumbledore paced up and down the room, trying to figure out what could possibly have happened between the three. He could smell the blood on Regulus. It couldn't be good, he told himself—otherwise Severus wouldn't be here.

"Albus," Severus began; Regulus and Sirius both looked at him with utter bewilderment. "We have encountered a misfortune."

Dumbledore sighed heavily as he fell to a chair. Fawkes was singing a sad lament; even the phoenix had known that it was a tragic day. "Show him, Regulus."

Painful tears dropped unnaturally down his cheeks. For a moment, there seemed to be a red tinge to his blood; it was almost as if the wounds of his inner soul were cut so deep that he was forced to excrete blood through his tear ducts. "I can't Severus."

Severus leaned over to him, and slowly, prudently, rolled up Regulus' sleeve and undid the thick bandage covering his arm. Dumbledore's eyes began to water as he saw the boy's skin debauched by a repugnant tattoo-like mark. "No, Severus, there is nothing I can do," he said gravely. His eyes had no lustrous shine, nor the lively spirit that once resided in them so cheerfully, and hopefully. Albus Dumbledore was no longer the man the Severus once knew. Severus gained an understanding that day—understanding that the man he dutifully served for nearly two decades was someone completely different. The man's heart was trapped in a cage of darkness, not much unlike his own. They both used the light to cover up their flaws, but always failed to truly mask their mistakes. They were not a different type of man, those two. That day Severus had a revelation so enormous, that Albus Dumbledore had entered a spot in his seemingly small heart.

"He cannot do what you are doing, Severus. I apologize." Severus moved over to Dumbledore, tears just begging to form in his eyes, and hid safely behind the chair. Dumbledore raised his wand, and with on flick, both Regulus and Sirius' memories of the last hour were gone.

"I know he meant much to you, Severus. He's in a different place now." There is more to life and death. There is an in between stage. You are neither living, nor dead. Most think that they live a half-life, but it is until the moment where you do a deed so irreversible and catastrophic that you will not live a half-life.

"All I needed was a time turner—I would have turned it a hundred times if I needed to. And this is what you do? What has happened to you, you blasted codger! If someone can be saved, then save them!"

"Do you not see that even if you save him, he will later become what he is now? It is inevitable."

_I'll save you, one day, Regulus. Some way, somehow I will… _

He was sure that he would help Regulus do as much good as he could possibly do. It was now Severus' moral imperative to help his friend live a happy life, despite the depressing darkness which he had let himself into. And he was sure, that if Regulus had wanted to assist him with any good that he would let him, because Regulus had once again earned his trust. He knew his friend well enough to know that he was never evil, only misguided, just as he himself had once been.

* * *

Severus felt like he walked a little shorter with each passing day, but it was only his head telling him how he felt. He had never looked so dismal, or dark. The days had passed agonizingly. Dumbledore had not given him any new mission, and his job as a follower of Voldemort had come to a hiatus. He wished that he had someone who he could tell, someone who could just listen to him, if only for a fraction of a second. But there wasn't a single person on this Earth who could listen to him drone on about the difficulties of his life. There is only one thing worse than being heard, and that is going unheard.

Unexpectedly, Severus felt a warm hand brush his hair off of his shoulder—he knew that he had to cut it soon. "Sev, what's troubling you?" How Lily had found where he was hiding, he would never know.

They were in the boat house; old, black boats were piled next to him. The floor was filled with sparsely spread out pieces of flaxen straw. An owl lied in the balcony overhead; it would hoot whenever it heard a disturbance.

"Please, tell me Sev. You're worrying me." She sat next to him, and embraced him fully with her loving hug. She nuzzled her head in the crook of his neck. "You don't go down to the hall to eat. You show up to class at the last minute. I never see you anymore Sev. Is—is it because of me?" She choked out the last sentence, unable to tell herself that she was the reason for his problems.

"No Lily. Don't ever say that." He turned to face her and cupped her cheek with a single hand. She smiled at him.

"I'm here for you Sev, don't forget that." Lily knew Severus to the best extent she could. What she was completely sure about was that talking would get Severus nowhere. He would tell her someday, but someday could mean the day one or the other dies.

He longed for human touch, for the love only Lily could give him. He roughly kissed her. Their tongues mingled beautifully; low noises in the back of their throats would sometimes escape. "Please," she whispered.

He kissed her down her neck; her skin immediately pimpled. "I love you," he said, and she responded with a muffled sound. They never got passed kissing. It was a tacit agreement between the two. They would wait, until they were both completely sure that they were meant to be together.

As the sun began to set, the sky turning deep marmalades and indigos laced with awing taupe edged clouds, they became comforted by each other. Lily's head was on Severus' now slightly broader chest. She listened to his deep voice resonate through his chest cavity as he read to her. It was like a nostalgic lullaby, cooing her to sleep ever so slowly.

"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to." He stopped there, and began to close the book on top of his fingers. Only then, did Severus realize what kind of man he was. He was weak; weak hearted and fragilely souled. But his mind was strong, so strong the he need not the advice of another to figure out what he wanted. Only then, did he realize the psychology of his mind. He came back in this time, because it was a great temptation, which was too improbable to not yield to. Its beckoning call, its sweet allure, its ambiguous possibilities and the inevitabilities of it all, is what he had enjoyed more than anything. His mind was sick, twisted even. He came back, because he had many-faced fates. It was not destiny which dictated his life, but his mind, soul, heart and body which dictated destiny. He was here, in March of 1978, because he would never have been able to live in the land of the dead, knowing that he could have had another chance at it all. It wouldn't make the slightest difference to him if the world were to fall into an apocalypse. He had Lily in his arms and he had her love. Dumbledore had thought that he would come to this world, at this time, because it was an old habit of his. He was here on his own account; what he had done in his previous life was on his own account. He wasn't a puppet; he was his own master, because without him, Dumbledore would be _nothing_. It was a temptation that he was yielding to. While he could give in so easily to his every want, it was his every want that was his need. That was why temptation was so important to him—that was why beneath all his weakness, he was strong.

Lily was silently snoring on his chest by the time he had come back into the world absent of his thoughts. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the castle. It was a great milestone for him, and the best part was that he acknowledged it too.

Things grew between Lily and Severus. As the days drew on, they spent time study for their NEWT's or holding each other quietly. Though Severus felt he was doing this through a thick veil, he tried to show as much of his inner self to Lily as he could. They had fallen into a certain routine where he would wait for her every morning, get Tibby the house elf to serve them breakfast in a private room, and then go onto the rest of the day.

Lily seemed to forget about recent catastrophic events quickly. He was envious of her. How he wished that he would be able to forget everything, but later on, he realized he never truly wanted to forget, not because of what he was doing, but because within those blood stained memories were some of the highlights of his life.

* * *

Emma, the small girl who had grown attached to him, had not budged from her mental predisposition of calling him her _'father'_. He grew used to the word, but did not grow fond of it. He had never imagined himself as a father. He had been a teacher for seventeen years; he had taken care of enough kids.

The night was in full bloom as Severus walked down the corridor. He opened a door that only he and Dumbledore could enter. He braced himself quickly.

"Daddy!" exclaimed Emma in her usually high-pitched voice. She flung herself onto him with a barreling hug. She placed a slightly sloppy kiss on his cheek, and he returned the favor with a light peck on the forehead. After all, it was all a theatrical act to him.

He carried her to her large, purple bed and placed her in the middle of it. He worked quickly, fluffing her pillows to perfection and tucking her in tightly, in hopes that she wouldn't escape in the middle of the night to find him. The room she slept in was small, but perfect for a child's room. There was a short bookshelf lined with children's books, one of them being _The Tales of Beetle the Bard_. "Read to me," she requested as she had every night. It was one of the few things that Severus agreed to doing.

He picked up a book, and opened it to a random page. He found himself faced with _The Tale of the Three Brothers._ Melancholy swooped over him, but something possessed him to read it. As he read to her, he felt closure coming, knowing that it was a different path that he was on this time. Voldemort would not come to seek the Hallows, so help him, he rather would die first.

He closed the novel, feeling a new sense of pride for what he had done in his previous life in hopes of stopping Voldemort. He had died as a false trail, and he knew he had. He was never the owner of the Elder Wand; he soon discovered that after it had refused to do any tantalizing spell work for him.

Emma was fast asleep. The white walls turned grey as he blew out the candles. He put his chair next to the bookshelf. Picking up the toys as he went, he thought of what he had reduced himself to. Though of course, if Lily were to see him doing this she would be eons past delighted with him. He put the toys in her mid-sized toy box and shut it tightly.

Once he stepped out of the room, he was greeted by Tibby the house elf. She looked much happier than when he last saw her. "Master Snape, Dumbledore wishes to see you!" she quipped happily.

When Severus entered the office, his cloak swishing around his feet as he circled the room, trying to find Dumbledore, he saw the Pensieve standing on Dumbledore's oak desk. He stood three for a moment.

Behind him, Dumbledore's voice came, "I have found some memories that may be of use to you, Severus."

Severus didn't know whether to be glad or terrified.

* * *

A/N: The 200th reviewer spot and 100th follower spot have already been taken. I heavily doubt that I will get 100 favorites, because my number of favorites only keeps dropping. So be it. Do not get mad at me because of Regulus. I am only seemingly evil. I have a twisted reason of why this had happened. The reason why I had done it will soon come to light.

I am sorry that I did not update yesterday. I am dealing with many, many family issues right now.


	28. Chapter XXVIII

XXVIII

The last stream of black rippled through the water. Dumbledore was beside him, keeping to himself quietly. The sound of venomous hissing ceased as the water returned to its normal silvery-sheen.

His hair was completely dry, his eyes completely absent of tears, yet there was the wetness of nervous sweat on his face, dripping slowly down his neck. There were two new Horcruxes he knew of, but not how to find them. There were a slew of hints, infinite possibilities and so much more, yet he did not know where to start. What's more was that the ring in that appeared on Morphin's finger in the first of the memories that Dumbledore showed him were too familiar for comfort. He swore that he could still hear the sly hissing in his ears. The hairs on his body stood on edge.

"Severus," Dumbledore put a steady hand on his shoulder, "I believe that you should sit down for a moment." He placed a chair behind Severus and lowered him down to it.

Time had stopped somewhere in the process of things. Severus became incoherent, and no matter what effort Dumbledore tried to put in, nothing had seemed to bring Severus back. Dumbledore let out shallow breath. His face was haggard; he looked as aged as he had felt. The candles on the gold sconces had begun to flicker on and off as the night drew on.

_Helga Hufflepuff's cup…The Gaunt Ring…But where are they? _

Severus' mouth was agape, his lips pale. His nearly red tongue brushed over his crooked, slightly yellow teeth. He slumped into the chair. It wasn't going to be easy to find them, he knew this. "When do we go to look for them?"

"As soon as we can find a trace of where one of them could be hiding; then we will look for them."

"The ring…It's in the Gaunt cabin. It must be. That's where you had gone last time, before you returned with…a curse set upon you." He looked up at Dumbledore. "You mustn't come with me. I must keep you from your temptations Dumbledore."

"Then leave Saturday at dusk to retrieve it." Dumbledore pondered for a moment. "Be careful Severus. That stone is very…tempting." There was lust in Dumbledore's eyes. It was something that Severus had never witnessed in Dumbledore.

"The Hallows are not as important as defeating a monster," said Severus before he left Dumbledore to his lethal fantasies.

* * *

Severus' eyes were fixed on the repugnant door of the shabby cabin. A hideous dried snake with red, beady eyes was nailed to the door. The door itself was composed of rotting wood and age old moss growing between the wood and bird droppings were on it. The windows of the cabin were broken at the panes. He could barely see the rats and mice mingling inside of the cabin, making their home out of the dilapidated building.

He flicked his wand beneath his robes. There was a muggle town nearby. He wasn't going to risk any sighting of his ability to produce magic. He went through the list of every ward and possible trap that Voldemort could have set on this place. Quietly, he muttered a few incantations in a sort of runic language that had died long ago.

He grabbed the door handle slowly, and twisted it a millimeter at a time. The door opened and the handle fell into his hand. He knew that any sort of magic would be rendered useless after he stepped over the threshold. The minds of maniacs were easy enough to decipher, to him.

He stepped into the house, only to dodge three silver arrows which were shot at the place where he was just standing. He stood still, breathing in the rancid air of the appallingly grotesque interior of the cabin. He had seen the filth of it before, but this was…indescribable through adjectives alone. The rotting wooden countertops were covered by molding, mostly petrified food as well as grubs larger than any one of his fingers. The floor boards were broken and covered by mildew and wet dirt. Lavender-tinted mushrooms grew out of the corner where piles of dung lied thickly piled up and leaning against the yellow, sun stained and archaic walls. Throughout the house there were dead animals, particularly raccoons whose carcasses were rotting, their bones tearing through their molded flesh, which had long ago died because there was no supply of food in the vicinity, nor a way to escape without the use of magic.

He covered his mouth as he tried not to vomit on the already vomit colored floor. The urge was too great and he bent over, holding onto himself, and vomited. He did not know how he would ever get out of this place. His eyes burned; acidic tears began to dot his cheeks. Quickly, he ruffled though his cloak and found a long, silk handkerchief. He used it as a thick mask which he placed over his mouth and nose. It could only take away half of the rancid stench.

A low moaning noise came from behind a doorway and out came a bearded, semi-translucent specter. He had a heady of busy, uncut hair that looked to be the same texture as his beard. His face would barely be seen, but you could make out his blank eyes hidden behind his bangs. His ragged clothing was composed of a straw-like fabric shirt, and suspenders covered by what seemed to be caked blood. There was a powder blue mist coming from the tips of its bare toes. Its mouth opened; he had no teeth.

"Morphin?" Snape inquired.

He hissed out something, but when he realized that Severus was incapable of understanding, he spoke clearly, "Yeah, that's my name."

"I was rather inclined to believe that you do not know how to speak English."

"Ghosts 'ave certain privileges, ya' see." He whooshed past Severus, and then circled around him intimidatingly. He stopped to face Severus. They were nose to nose. "Why are ya' here?"

Severus gulped loudly. He knew that he would never be able to trust a shady fellow, much less a mysterious and impertinent specter such as this one. The intangible Morphin flew through Severus; a chill ran through his spine.

"Well?" he whispered into Severus' ear. "Got any answers for me?"

"It's none of your business. Go off and haunt some other corner of this dingy place."

"Oho, yehr here for the ring, aren't ya?" He flew to the face Severus this time. "But you can't 'ave it. It'll kill yah, yah know that boy?"

"And if I haven't a reason to live, or a reason to find one?"

"I would pity ya. Yehr damn right a fool to be livin' then, don't ya think?"

He chose not to further converse with Morphin; it was an insipid waste of time, in his opinion. Ignoring the angered specter behind him, he proceeded to find the ring. He knew it would not be hidden amongst the filth of most of the rooms of this house. Tom Riddle would have wanted it to be hidden somewhere…safe—somewhere worthy of an object such as a Horcrux.

He climbed up a rickety stair case, holding the rusted iron rail with his gloved hand. The stairs collapsed one after one with each step, but he kept going through the house. He felt the air thicken as he went further up the stairs. He flew backwards as some archaic charm was set off. He was hanging off the rail by his fingertips. The rail was all that was left.

Feeling no magic within him, he shimmied his way up the rail, moving his hands slowly as possible. He felt water beneath his feet. When he looked down he saw a greenish sludge filling the floor of the home; everything touching it burned and then disintegrated. He quickened his pace, sweat forming on his brow. Then a stroke of genius hit him, he flung his feet onto the rail and slowly, slightly resembling a miserable crab, made his way to the upper level of the cabin. He looked to see that half way up the stair case, the sludge had stopped to seep into the bottom floor. Some sort of magic had held this house sturdily.

The upper floor, though not as dirty, was even more disheveled than the bottom. The taupe wallpaper was peeling and shredded. There were holes in the ceiling; sunlight escaped through these holes and glimmered on the glass scattered across the floor. He looked carefully, instinctively searching for the ring. He pushed every little thing aside with his feet. He looked through the cracks in between the floorboards, but it was not there.

After searching through the indescribably horrendous bathroom, he gasped for breath and leaned on a wall. There was an undulating vibration on the other side of the wall. He turned—something told him that it had to be there. There could be no other place. He salivated as he thought about what lied so close to him.

With an ivory pocket knife, he cut his fingers and spread his blood on the wall, but there was no secret door revealed. Instead, the wound burned with an unbelievable searing pain. He took the white silken handkerchief from his mouth and wrapped it around the wound. The blood on the wall disappeared within seconds. He felt delirious.

_Fangs sank into his skin; the smooth poison ran through his veins within seconds. The feeling of an icy, dejected winter ran through his neck first, and then within less than a minute, his body felt as if it were a terribly carved ice statue. _

_ He looked at his murderer, slithering away, following its master's undulating robes. The world was different, clearer, and more precise. He saw everything in a new light, yet went back to the old with the snap of his fingers._

A gasp escaped his thin lips. Reaching into a pocket that only he knew of, he pulled out a crystalline vial, more precious than anything he had every owned. In it was a gold liquid, glimmering sublimely for the bright sunlight was shining upon it, illuminating the pure genius of it. The contents of the bottle included the venom of the very species of his killer. He pressed his lips against the bottle for luck.

The wall afore him was full of crevasses; an ingenious idea had dawned upon him. Uncorking the bottle, he tipped it into the largest crack. Effortlessly, it slipped into each crack, not a single drop spilling. The volume of the liquid expanded, until finally, the entire wall was flowing with gold. The glowing ceased; the wall collapsed in jagged chunks.

Inside, there was a space unlike anything he had ever seen. Flecks of diamond-like gems were in the walls. There was a stair case, trailing lower and lower, into a deep, seemingly endless cavern. He walked down it uncertainly. He wobbled with each step. There was no rail for him to hold himself on.

A hundred steps later, there was a pressure in his ears, along with a high-pitched ringing. The air had grown musky, like a newly born forest. The muscles in his legs were cramping, but he held is stride.

He gulped once he saw the faint glimmering of a shining stone in the distance. He quickened his pace down the stairs. When he had reached the bottom, there was still about a quarter of a kilometer separating him from the Horcrux. He ran, faster than his legs could carry him. His hair blew; there was an odd, strong wind blowing. Then, five meters away from the ring, there was a vortex, swirling with granite and shrapnel, as well as a liquid he assumed to be either acid or poison.

His body felt as if a sheet of frost had developed over his skin, and so he collapsed onto the jagged floor, later curling up into the fetal position. The presence of a Dementor was thick in the air, but he knew that none was near this place. He could hear the cries Lily had cried in fifth year and the screams she had screamed on the night that Severus nearly died, no too long ago. Tears fell from his cheeks and pooled onto the floor soon enough. The feeling of his skin and emotions eroding quickly became present as time passed. He began to scream words; words that he had yelled long ago, pleading, trying to atone for the mistakes that he had made; words that he had so long ago wished to say—ones that he had intended for Dumbledore to hear, because he wasn't weak enough to stoop to a mission so low, a mission meant for scum like he used to be.

He wasn't ready to welcome death, though he had known very well that this could be a suicide mission. He did not intend to die, before Voldemort died first as a completely defenseless mortal. Yet he felt his will shrinking further and further, until, finally he felt depleted of everything. Though he could see everything, the world around him was varying shades of black. It was not a welcoming color.

He stared at the ring, so close to him, yet so out of reach.

_Please, just for once, let me do something until the very end. _

It was right then that he had thought of Lily, but not of the way she looked, nor about how she had made him feel, but how she made others live life in a better way. He thought about how her soul ignited every unlit match, so the world would shine a little brighter with each passing day. As he thought of her, his fingertips began to glow with an iridescent light, burning bright, burning hotter, till he felt his heart beating with the same hopes he had, had such a long time ago.

He got up, his fingers still glowing. Something otherworldly possessed him. He touched the vortex with his flowing fingers and particle by particle, it drifted away, until the pedestal holding the black ring was clearly visible. The pedestal was made out of gray marble, a red, silver-tasseled pillow holding the Gaunt ring, atop it.

With a handkerchief, he picked it up, bracing himself for whatever lied ahead. But nothing had happened. He climbed the staircase back up; all the while paranoia welled in his cavernous and seemingly infinite mind.

As he reached the top of the lengthy stair case, the house came off of its hinges. A low rumbling emanated from the bowels of the house. At first, there was only the noise, but soon followed the rocks coming down, chunks of the cabin falling in every possible place.

Severus ran toward the top of the stairs. He put the carefully wrapped ring into his pocket when saw what lied on the top floor. The roof was ready to collapse; remnants of what it used to be were already crashing onto the floor, cement particles and splintered wood heavily on it. Using quick thinking, he took a chair and stood up on it. He clutched his hands onto the largest whole in the ceiling and pulled himself up.

The house was still shaking, but much more than a few minutes before. He walked down the roof, hoping that with each step it wouldn't collapse under his feet. One of his feet made a hole in the roof, but he quickly pulled his foot out. At the edge of the roof, he looked down. It wasn't a tall house, but it was certainly tall enough for you to break a bone, if you were to jump from it. His magic was still disabled—it wouldn't return until he was a good three meters away from the home.

So he jumped, and when he did, it felt like success finally come in all of its bravura glory. The jump itself was not a simple thing. It was elaborate and well timed. As his feet touched the soft, muddy ground, the cabin had collapsed, dust scattering in the air, gleaming behind him.

It had been a struggle, just as all things are. But it was worth it. Would he do this time and time again? He was sure he would, if it meant taking the enigmatic killer one step closer to defenseless mortality. Knowing that what he had done was for the light, that he had actually done something, and not Harry Potter, was indescribable.

The feeling boiling within him was indeed glorious.

* * *

He walked through the muggle town, his hands in his pockets. People would look at him as he walked toward the sunset. They would see him in his dust covered black suit, and his face slightly scratched, still dripping with blood, but they could only begin to imagine what he had gone through.

He stepped through the gates of Hogwarts. Dumbledore had been waiting for him to arrive. Dumbledore's blue eyes were full of anticipation and hope. Wordlessly, Severus answered all his questions with a nod. Dumbledore smiled.

They walked down the road; a lantern in Dumbledore's wrinkled hand. They would talk about what had happened later, and somehow they both knew it too.

In Dumbledore's office, they sat the sound of Fawkes' cheerful lament in their ears. "Severus, my boy," Dumbledore began, his hands on the papers on his desk.

Severus took out the ring, and carefully set it in front of Dumbledore, keeping an eye on the man. Dumbledore's eyes were clouded by lust. "It isn't worth it." said Severus. "You won't have time to compose an epitaph if you dare to put it on," joked Severus.

"How do we approach this?" he asked.

"Perhaps it would be best to destroy it now."

"Or would it be better to gather them all first, and then destroy them all at once?"

"Will you keep it safe Dumbledore? I fear that if I entrust you with this…you will be once again cursed and I will not have everything I will need to save you at my disposal."

"I will not make that mistake Severus. I will keep myself away from my wants. It is for the best."

"Very well." With that said and done, Severus stood up from the chair and walked into the halls. He had a night of blissful sleep ahead of him. One less worry was out of his mind. Tomorrow he would drive himself mad with the stress of many more things to do. But that night, he was happy, and he intending on keeping it that way for the next several hours.

When he awoke he was in a place that he had never seen. The room was full of mahogany furniture. It was painted the color of fresh, steamy cream. It was carpeted, the indigo carpet, soft and fluffy. The room had bookshelves filled with ancient volumes of books. He was on a large leather couch, and on the floor sitting up, her eyes closed, was Lily, quietly snoring. How he had gotten there, he didn't know. The light in the room was dim, but he could clearly make out every detail of her. She was wearing a silk, white night gown. She looked angelic.

He got onto the floor next to her, and brushed her hair off of her face. He caressed her for a moment, before climbing on top of her and pressing his lips to her, kissing her softly, edging her on to wake up. Her eyes fluttered open, and when she saw him she kissed him back.

"What was that for?" she asked after she pulled herself away from him, slightly dazed by the early morning surprise.

"Thank you," was all he said.

"For what?"

But he kissed her, for it was all he wanted to do. Soon everything could get overly complicated. It was not a pleasant thing to know. Soon, he knew he would have to distance himself from his heart, from his soul, from all that made him the person he was. It was not the time to entwine himself in such thoughts. It was the time to savor all he had for as long as he could, because it was what he needed more than anything at the time.

* * *

A/N: This is by far my favorite chapter that I had to write, and that isn't just because my favorite number is 28. It was such a grand experience, writing this. I hope you love this chapter, no matter how grotesque the settings were. Thank you to my reviewers—you all give me the strength to keep writing. The next chapter will be posted on Sunday. This is the last weeks where I will be posting two chapters a week, for a while.

Read my other stories, if you like this: _Mourning Colour_ and _Reflections_

Sincerely,

Grey


	29. Chapter XXIX

XXVIV

Severus stood outside the oak door, his right ear glued to it. The voices on the other side of it were at first muffled, but as they had grown louder, he couldn't resist the urge to hear what was going on. He could never trust his Slytherin roommates.

At first they had talked about their 'vast experiences' with girls. But later it turned into talk of the Dark Lord, which was precisely the reason why he was standing like a dithering idiot with his ear pressed to the door.

Footsteps echoed through the hall. He silently went away from the door and hid behind the base of a large obsidian statue of some overweight historic figure he could not recall the name of. Regulus walked up to the door, his head hung low. Regulus stood there for a few moments, pondering whether or not to enter the room. His pale hand was on the door handle.

Severus walked over to him swiftly, soundlessly edging toward him. Just as Reg began to turn the handle, Severus placed a hand over his mouth and pulled Regulus away from the door.

"Don't make a sound," he hissed into Regulus' ear. Severus slowly pulled Regulus away from the door, and allowed a precautionary moment of silence before he let go of Regulus.

"What the bloody hell was that?!" hissed Regulus as loudly as he possibly could, without going a tone past a whisper.

Severus' face was glazed over with a cool demeanor. "They are communicating about a topic that would prove of worthy information to me. Now if you would excuse me…" he leaned over and placed his ear on the door once more. Regulus wouldn't rebel against him. To Severus' wonderment, Regulus leaned over and placed his ear on the door as well.

Something clicked into place in Severus' mind. Taking his wand, he flicked it sharply as he muttered "Perspicio," under his breath, so Regulus wouldn't hear him.

Inside, Avery was standing intimidatingly. His pointed nose was held highly in the air. His back was held straight in a nearly strained position. "Mulciber, you know what to do this time, right? It isn't much different from the last." His voice was clear and resonant.

Mulciber cleared his throat nervously. "Ah—yes-um—I—I—remember."

There were several other Slytherins in the room, most of which were in their seventh year of Hogwarts, but more importantly they were those who did not care whether they would face expulsion for their heinous crimes. They were all boys wearing smug looks on their faces and with lust in their shiny blue eyes of various shades.

The room was small and hidden carefully in the castle, but Severus had, had no trouble finding it, because of course, he had frequented the room several times before. Inside was a blood red carpet on wooden parquet. The walls were wall papered with a black and white paisley design, which came off as abrasive against the carpet. In the corner where Avery stood was a mysterious vile set upon an awkwardly tall, spindle-legged, cherry-wood table. Mulciber stood, shaking and perspiring in fear, whilst the others were on black leather couches bedazzled with silvery zirconium.

Avery shook his head in disapproval. "Mulciber, do you, or do you not know of what I am speaking of, or are you that daft!?"

"Well," he began as he twiddled with his fingers.

"Just a few months ago you brought a Hogwarts student to a muggle town upon which the Death Eaters attacked. There she died—like all things beneath purebloods should."

Regulus gulped loudly when he heard it. He had forgotten Mary MacDonald, but still, when he remembered the day she died and when the mourning which swept ever the castle. He felt sorrow fall into the pit of his stomach. But there was also fear, because he knew that a certain person next to him was not only halfblooded, but also the person he loved was of muggle birth. Regulus gripped Severus' shoulder tightly, because he felt as if he needed to. Though Severus turned to look at him in disgust, Regulus knew that Severus was grateful—so much about Severus could be seen through his façade, but only if you were the right person; only then would you see that his emotions where often double-sided.

The conversation in the room continued. "So I will have to…do the same thing I did last time?" asked Mulciber.

"Yes, you will. You will imperious another half-blood or lesser, take them to a muggle town of which I will have to specify at a later time. Not long after that, that person, among others, will be dead and placed at the top of a pile of dead people. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Avery."

Severus released the charm before walking away. Regulus followed him, but was doing so timidly because Severus wasn't too doting of people being near him while he was upset. They passed through winding corridors which were lit by torches. Regulus had never seen this part of the Slytherin common room, and he was almost sure that only a few people, including Severus, had discovered this part of the common room in the past century.

Observing Severus was not an easy thing. He was broken, yet functioned fully. Severus was a contradiction. A man so dark had so much light within him. He was not a typical human. No—certainly not. He was more flawed, more scarred by his actions and more awing than most of the human race. What's more, is that despite his every mistake he made, he could make the same mistake again and use it for a purpose so profound that not a single person in this world—not even Dumbledore—could understand it.

Severus, followed by Regulus, entered a cavern which was filled with a white, shimmering light. The cavern's walls were jagged. The walls were a slate grey, which oddly did not shimmer along with the light shining upon it. Water pooled in the deep, dark opening at the floor. Above the pool of water was a grey waterfall, flowing slowly and soundlessly in a never ending stream. The cavern had its own music—the sound of rippling water against stone as well as the sounds of the rocks creaking ominously.

Severus sat in a small alcove within the cavern. He folded his hands in his lap and starred at the ground, his eyes void of emotions and his face placid. Regulus just stood, far away from Severus, far away from the thoughts that consumed his friend and far away—farther than he had ever been—from what he was accustomed to. But he did not dare to speak, for he knew, or more so feared that if he were to say a single word, sanity would come off its already loose hinges.

Severus did not stay silent; he tapped his fingers, fidgeted and switched from bodily position to bodily position before he finally grew completely cold. "Everything is piecing together. It was not a puzzle I wanted to be solved," he said as he stood and then turned to face the wall. His icy gaze could have frozen the entire cavern twice over.

"But I should have seen it coming. I choose to forget MacDonald's death. I didn't account for it. But now I know how it happened and that it will happen against. I have the information and now no matter how much I do not want it, I will always have it as will you.

"Is that not the price you must pay for information: to be taken away from all that you are comfortable with—to be encompassed with fear, fear we all choose to have, not because we are cowards, but because we are human, humans with their debilitating predispositions?

"Yes, I believe it's true, very true indeed.

"And now is the defining moment—the moment to use the information we have to enforce our actions to come. Sitting around, doing nothing, watching time pass by as people die around you is an action. Oh yes, our blatant disregard for our ability to stopper death…is an action.

"But what will we do Regulus…what will we do?" His voice was distant, abnormal. But Regulus did not reply.

Severus walked around the room, his hands behind his back. He took careful strides as he held his head up, not out of arrogance, but out of wonderment and speculation. He stopped, opened his mouth, then closed it and kept walking, ambling through the cavern, talking within himself, battling with contradictions.

"And you, Regulus," he began, staring his friend dead in the eye. "How am I to know that you have not known of this information beforehand? Furthermore, you are a Death Eater—you have their egotistical ideals—their bloodlust for the same sullied blood which they revile, which they believe to be beneath them!

"You know very well that I've mourned my decision. You saw me cry, you saw me attempt suicide because I know what I did was wrong."

"But the question is: Do you think what you did was wrong because you are afraid that you are no longer good, that in the eyes of others you are not evil, or because you care wholeheartedly for those who aren't of pure blood and have only recently realized this? There is a difference between acknowledging a mistake and knowing why—truly understanding why it was a mistake." Severus' freezing hands were on Regulus' shoulders, tightly squeezing them.

"If either I or a muggle-born were to die at the Dark Lord's hand, I would gladly sacrifice myself, because I know that anyone who is not of pure blood has already led a more worthy life than mine." He turned to Severus and looked him in the eyes. His soft, caring grey eyes were up against Severus' deep, black and enraged ones. "If you were the one to be chosen to die, I would never forgive myself. If Lily was the one to be chosen to die, I would feel just the same because you care for her. We were all created equal. I understand that now."

Then it dawned upon him—the threat that was made while Lily was in the hospital. It all came down to this. He had held onto her too long. He couldn't let her go now—he had to keep her safe.

Severus nodded; the expression on his face had already softened a bit. "So what do we do now?"

"We will try to stop them."

"No we will stop them. And we will do so without getting caught by the Dark Lord." They were both determined.

Regulus had pieced together certain things about Severus. He knew that Severus was at Voldemort's beck and call only because he had a reason that was profoundly good. He knew very well that Severus had a heart of gold on the inside, despite his many maculate qualities. For Regulus to atone for his mistake, he promised that he would help Severus with whatever he was planning to do. He knew it was for a cause greater than the both of them.

"How could you think so lowly of me?" Regulus uttered in a low, quiet, feeble voice as Severus walked out of the cavern.

_It's not that I think lowly of you, Reg. It's that I think lowly of the people you are with—myself included. _He wanted to say it, but he couldn't, because he didn't have the audacity to say a word.

* * *

The days passed and nothing strange had happened. The grandfather clock had already struck midnight. Unbeknownst to Lily, Severus sat up every night by her door and waited there. Every night he would stand guard, always ready to protect Lily from whatever harm could come her way. He had been a Death Eater. He knew how their minds worked. Most importantly, part of their mindset always had them thinking that if the one person who had the most power was defeated, and then nothing could stop them.

The events of the past few days had been a surprise to him. More and more, Avery talked of dastardly subjects, including the one of Severus' interest. He remembered a specific conversation which he was included in. He had endured through it with the same zeal he had, had when he had first came to his new life.

* * *

_The room was dimly lit by the grey, wax candles in the ebony candelabras. The insignia of a snake was largely engraved over the cobblestone wall of oblong shaped room. A hearth with coals lay untouched for centuries in the room, ancient suet sometimes coming through the shaft. The sounds of clumsy feat hitting the chilly, cobbled floor reverberated through the room. _

_Severus sat on a recliner, his legs crossed and his arms folded over his chest in a near-defiant manner. He looked over his shoulder nonchalantly as others filled in the room. The meeting always held men, never woman—most believed that they couldn't take these meetings, nor stomach the conversations of massacre and rape. During these meetings, however odd it had been, they always talked of women; always of their daily escapades, and miraculous feats, which seemed of the utmost importance to them. It was an adolescent thought—that speaking of women with uncouth tongue was showed strength and power to some extent. Furthermore, that speaking of women and the things they so longed to do to them was something sacred among the Slytherin Death Eaters and Death Eaters to be. Severus would always remain quiet through these meetings. He would never share a single one of his experiences, nor divulge a single one of his maverick and wanton fantasies he had dreamed a thousand times over. There was first whispering, as the room became more and more full, but soon came several loud conversations which Severus automatically threw out of perception. He was a respectful, modest man. The only reason why he chose to come to these meetings was to learn of anything, any possible bit of information, no matter how small it may be, which would only get him closer to reaching his ultimate goal. _

_ "Who would you say is the most powerful and influential girl in this school?" asked Avery when the gossip had died down. _

_ It was when those words reached Severus' ears that he straightened a bit, interest eating at him slowly. He could almost read Avery's mind, but he wasn't exactly sure. There was no point in using legilimency—it would only get him further away from what he needed to accomplish. _

_ No one had answered; they were too deep in contemplation. There was a Slytherin boy—the youngest of the group—with silvery blond hair and pale grey eyes, so pale that they nearly appeared to be as white as the whites of his eyes. He ruffled with his school robes nervously, biting his lip. He looked up at Avery, his mouth agape like a fish longing for a morsel of nourishment. _

_ "Yes, Alija." _

_ "Um—Avery, sir—wouldn't she be the head girl—the most powerful and influential to the students, that is." _

_ "That would be correct. You are learning fast, Alija." _

_ Avery's pale cherry-colored lips curled wryly. Every day, Avery became more and more of a snake. With every passing minute he became more enamored and absorbed by the dark. As the seconds ticked by, so did his heart tick, beating ever coldly—forevermore enwrapped in the blackness of his soul. _

_ "And so, as the most powerful of the girls in this school," he began, sinking deeper into his chair. His voice darkened as he went on. "Whatever she feels would directly influence the student body, would it not? But more so, if something were to happen…if she were to be—" _

_ Avery stopped to look at Severus, whose face was blank and unconcerned. "Severus, it would be best for you to leave." _

_ Mulciber stood at the door, opening it for Severus as he left. Avery had made a grave mistake—one that had affected his entire plan. His plan would be foiled—Severus would ensure it. Of course, for that to happen, he would have to spent many sleepless nights at Lily's door, guarding her, wasting the time he could have used for more productive things. _

Lily sighed as she turned over in her bed, dreaming of Severus. She no longer saw him as often as she used to, or rather as often as she liked to. In her dreams, he was always there, whether prominently or not. But seeing his sweet smile lightened her world and gave her strength.

But that wasn't to say that she was not frightened. Oh yes, she was extremely so. In her dreams, sometimes, she would be walking up to him in a long, white gown. He would be standing at the altar, smiling at her with a smile she had never seen grace his face before. Others, she would dream of him dying, blood seeping through his clothes. She would be bent over him, kissing him, telling him how much she loved him as she tried to take him away from the brink of death with love alone. But the most terrifying dreams were the ones she had when she was alone in a white room, standing in front of a mirror. These dreams were always vivid and full of happiness as well as apprehension for the future. As she stood in front of the mirror, she would turn from a side view to a frontal view repetitively. Her hand would be placed on her slightly bulging abdomen. She would sigh, but do so smiling. Severus would appear in the infinite room. He would wrap his arms around her and hold her tightly to him. He would bend over slightly. In her ear he would whisper, "You look beautiful today." There was no kissing. Yet it was intimate—the happiness she felt permeated through her skin. When Lily would awake, she would always be scared, because she never thought of a man in the way before. It was in those dreams that she was sure that she wanted something more than just a relationship with Severus. It would never be enough for her if it was a regular, genuine relationship full of dates and nothing more.

It was the first time that she ever felt like she would willingly—with her whole heart, mind, soul and body—giver herself to someone. But this wasn't any someone—this was Severus—a man who was unpredictable, a man who had broken her heart so many times before, but also a man who had pieced her together more than he had ever broken her. He was a mystery, an enigma, a specter of her heart, of every crevasse which love was buried in and most of all, someone she could trust. Severus had made it known to her, not through a set of words, but through his every action, however small it was.

She was irrevocably and maddeningly in love with him.

* * *

A/N: No more updates twice a week now. Unfortunately, you will have to wait until next Sunday to see what happens. Believe me; things will be thickening as if they were entwined with cornstarch.

I do sincerely hope that you are enjoying this FanFic. I am attempting to write this to the best of my capability. Is there anything I could be doing better?

Please Review. I am forever grateful to Ebony Starstorm for adding my story to her community.


	30. Chapter XXX

XXX

The smell of burning paper was thick in the air. The remnants of candlewicks were scattered across the floor, some still smoldering. The floor was covered by thick, sticky, yellow wax. The white walls held candles upon candles, their bright flames flickering in the night. This room was hard to get through without getting your feet stuck onto the floor or without passing out from smell of a thousand burning candles abundant in the air. But still, Regulus trudged through the room, running quickly, his eyes wide open, his face showing the utter terror which coursed through his every vein—Severus had been wrong.

Regulus ran sloppily, his emerald night gown wrapping itself around his feet before falling off and floating away from him. He grabbed the grey stone wall of the castle as he turned the corner, increasing his speed, though he knew he would never find Severus fast enough. Up and down stacks of stairs, round the same floor seven times and crawling through every possible crack, Regulus searched, but to no avail could he find his friend, his other master.

When he reached the sixth floor, a floor that students scarcely frequented, he found that the floor was more of a vast maze, than a floor of the castle. The walls on this floor were plain, and the floor beneath his feet could use some cleaning, though he knew that Filch would never find the urge to do it good.

Part of Regulus wanted to scream out Severus' name, so he could find him, but the other, tamer part of him told him to remain quiet, or he would be caught much more easily. A sense of rightness filled him, starting at his core, then swelling further and further. He began to walk slowly, stealthily, creeping ever so carefully around the next dark corners.

There, sitting on the cold floor, his back against a wooden door, with his head hung back was Severus, sleeping soundly. Regulus snuck up to him slowly, holding his breath the entire way. He had never woken up Severus when he wasn't having nightmares. He dreaded Severus' reaction if he were to disturb him. He was four meters away from Severus, trying to keep his composure, yet he breathed heavily in strained gasps. Severus jostled awake, jumping onto his feet, his wand at ready, pointed directly at Regulus face. Had he really been sleeping?

No, he hadn't. He closed his eyes for a moment, partially tried, but mostly to trick anyone who would come up to this floor of the castle. Noticing the fear in Regulus' eyes, he put his wand down. Taking him by the cloak, Severus dragged Regulus out of the corridor, looking back every now and again at Lily's door.

_"Lumos," _whispered Severus. A blue light appeared at the tip of his wand, illuminating the narrow hallway they were in. "What happened?"

"You were wrong, Severus! They've taken Alice—Frank Longbottom's girlfriend! I saw them leaving a few minutes ago. We have to go. We don't have time!"

"Where—what town—which district?"

"Elmbridge in Surrey. We have to get going!"

Severus swore under his breath. "We need to tell Dumbledore. This has gone too far." Severus ran, faster than he thought possible. If he woke up everyone in the castle, so be it, he had to save lives, no matter how many detentions he would get. He didn't care about insignificant things anymore.

The passed Filch in the hallway. He stood hunched over, his grey, hay-like hair spilled over his pale, wrinkled face. His pale blue eyes stared at the two running down the hallway, his lip turning into a grin reminiscent of the Cheshire cat. Then there was Filch's partner in crime, Mrs. Norris, standing at his feet in all her horrid glory, hissing up a storm. Her yellow, lamp-like eyes lit up, and her dust colored fur stood on edge. He reached out to grab the two as they ran, but couldn't catch them. "Students in the hallway!" he yelled as loud as he could, running after them. Regulus, in fear, yelled every single vulgarity he knew; even the more colorful ones had escaped his mouth, most of them along the lines of, "Morgana's slippery nipple" or "Hagrid's sodding fetishes".

Filch followed them down stairs, through tricky, winding hallways and parts of the school that not even he had known about. Less than a meter away from the gargoyle, Severus yelled the password, "Candied Fairy Wings". Filch followed them to the Headmaster's office, befuddled by where the two were headed. He had never seen this type of idiocy in his life; he had never expected this from Severus.

"Headmaster—ALBUS!" shouted Severus in an airy tone. He was winded. Regulus was leaning against the wall, gasping for air. Filch was on his hands and knees, exhausted. Severus stood straight, though he felt nearly lifeless.

Albus came through the door, wearing a rather frilly white and blue nightgown. His nightcap was half off of his head and his glasses were placed crookedly at his eyes. "What has happened?" That was all Albus could manage to say. Every other word in the English language had slipped out of memory because of the sight before him. Pure insanity—that was what this was.

"These students—these hooligans were in the hallways, running like madmen in the middle of the night," said Filch, before Severus or Regulus had the chance to speak.

"That is quite enough, Argus. I will handle them myself. Thank you."

Filch left, a smile upon his horrible face. When the door shut, no time was taken for silence. Regulus quickly bolted up with unseen strength and vigor. This was an experience wholly new to Regulus. Severus was not sure if he should have taken Regulus under his wing; he had done it without Dumbledore's approval.

The story was told, mostly by Regulus, though Severus would sometimes jump into the one-sided conversation. Before Regulus could finish, the story was stopped by Dumbledore, who looked concerned, yet livid, his once pale face turning a bright shade of tomato red.

"So you two are here to tell me that—and I do hope that I have been hallucinating these past several minutes—Death Eaters are placing an attack on Elmbridge as we speak, and furthermore are bringing one of the students to this attack so they may as well be killed?"

"That is right, Albus." Severus said it in a grave tone, trying to convey the severity of it.

"Then why tell me this? Couldn't you have acted on your own?"

"We have weighed our options carefully. Regulus and I were hoping that we would accompany you as you apparated to Elmbridge."

"And what makes you think that I would bring you two alongside with me, much less that I would go there on my own account?"

"The answer is simple, of course. Though we are clearly wasting time going over my analysis… You have no other choice. You cherish the lives of others and hold other's lives with a higher respect than for your own. Furthermore, you would not risk the life of a student…so innocent," Severus added the last part, only because he knew Dumbledore too well to say that he wouldn't risk the life of a student.

With a single snap, Dumbledore transfigured their clothing into something more appropriate; they were black cloaks over outfits that were much like the black attire Snape had worn in the future. He stood up and leaned over the desk, grabbing both of their appendages. "Then we'll be off," he said with a sorrowful smile. There was virtually no click as they apparated.

The room was left there, cold, dark, but full of the life in Dumbledore's numerous trinkets. Fawkes was sleeping on his perch, cooing with every breath. A single burning candle was in the corner of the room, illuminating the Pensieve. Emma came out of her corner, which she had hid in so proficiently. She went over to the candle and blew the flame out. She too had disappeared within a matter of moments, afterwards.

* * *

Elmbridge was lit brightly by the houses' lights. Though in the entire district, only one village, so small in stature was unlit. Few lived there. Those who did were poor, nearly unheard of people. This town was known as Abernath. Abernath was not a farming village, nor a village that had anything to do with economy. Abernath was the hub of the poor—a village which was more of a poor house than anything. The housing reflected that perfectly. In the midst of the night, not a single thing could be heard, but the cries from the nightmares children—which were sleeping on their hay filled cots or more likely, on a moth-eaten sheet laid over the floor—had dreamed that night.

When the three appeared behind a stone house in a small patch of grass, Severus had not been too surprised. Though Regulus had clearly missed the fact that they would be going to Abernath, Severus had somewhat suspected that they would come here.

There was a stench in the air, something grotesque, putrid, and repulsive. Severus turned around, only to see that they were standing behind the public loo. Unannounced, Severus walked away. If he was going to hide, he would not hide behind a loo, and most certainly not one which smelled even worse than the Gaunt's cabin. Dumbledore and Regulus soon followed him. Severus managed to walk to the cleanest part of the town—the small, stone chapel.

"So what now?" asked Regulus. "I've never been on this sort of thing."

"I believe that it would be prudent, if we were to form a plan," Dumbledore voiced.

"As Regulus and I both know, Voldemort—" Regulus shivered at the name; he had never though the Severus would use it. "has never been to one of these raids, nor will he ever. Furthermore, we are in luck, for I have taken the liberty of storing precisely two doses of Polyjuice potion in my cloak, which I am glad to say had not been transfigured.

"If you, Albus will agree to this, I believe that you should distract the Death Eaters, possibly threaten them if you will. All the while, Regulus and I will take Alice to safety and wait until you arrive so we all may return to Hogwarts. If this…madness is stopped in time, I believe that we will save quite a few lives today."

"Very well, Severus." Dumbledore had breathed, before walking into the dark, away from them both—there was no use in following him now.

"They'll be here soon…I can feel it in my veins. It would be prudent to prepare for what is to come." Regulus followed Severus into the chapel; he was always the follower. He never had a head strong enough to lead, in these situations.

The chapel was small on the inside—even smaller than it was on the outside. It was lit by handmade, amber colored candles. Most of the windows were barred, except for the single, enormous window at the altar. It revealed a breath-taking scene of a religious event Severus was sure Lily had explained to him so long ago. The window was made of stained glass, though it was pale in color, somehow it appeared vivid, eccentric, and superb. The floor was cement and the walls were painted over wood. Still, something about the chapel made Severus feel whole.

The air inside was cold; Severus felt it when he had taken off his cloak. Uncorking the bottles, Severus placed a strand of separate hairs in each one. "When you're ready," he said, corking the bottles and leaving them on a seat.

It occurred to him that he had come to save the day yet again, though he did not know why he was doing it. What thing had possessed him to add another thing the already lengthy to-do list he had been forming, since the day he returned to this time?

_This isn't for Lily. This is for one of her friends. Why should it matter to me? The massacre of this town can be stopped by Dumbledore and Dumbledore alone. Why am I here, doing this, when all I wanted was a moment of rest, a moment to be blissfully ignorant along with Lily? She is safe, so why am I here? _

Though something deep in his bowels was urging him to stay, to continue with what he had started, he attempted to ignore it.

"This will be over soon enough." Severus turned to Regulus in surprise. "Good thing it's a Saturday tomorrow, eh Snape?"

"Yes, a good thing indeed," he muttered before taking the potion with a grimace and collapsing to the floor, choking on it. It was more repugnant than the last time. He swore that each time he took the potion, it only got worse. Regulus dropped to his knees next to him, trying to comfort his friend the best he could. With a layer of sweat on Snape's face, he sat up. "So how do I look?" he asked jokingly.

"You're a redhead now. I would say it doesn't suit you, but you're a completely different person." Regulus put a mirror up to Severus' face. His nose was still hooked, though differently. His skin was slightly less pale than it was before. In addition to his hair, he now had a red beard. His eyes were a bright shade of grey. It wasn't too terrible, though the beard was not something that he had liked. Regulus on the other hand, now had grey hair and a beard to match it as well. His eyes were brown and clearly showed age, accompanied by wisdom. The wrinkles on his face were fine. Aside from them, there were sun spots scattered across his cheeks.

Showing Regulus his new appearance, Regulus sneered, "Couldn't have chosen a better look for me? I'm some old bloke now. Ruddy fantastic if you ask me." The last sentence was said with acerbity that even Severus would have been proud of, if he had the time to appreciate it.

They slithered their way out of the church and through the village. Round the houses they went, in search of Dumbledore. Through the night the two men stalked, evermore hoping that they would not get lost. Swerving past piles of garbage put deliberately upon what used to be the greenest grass in the country, they began to lose hope. Maybe Dumbledore had left them.

Soon they heard voices, most of them familiar. Severus grabbed Regulus by the collar of his shirt, pulling him down to the ground with force. They were behind a large, stone well, with a clear view of what was taking place. As Dumbledore talked, they were both pensive.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Thought that you could get away with such crimes, did you? You believe I'm an idiot, someone who would never find out about these…things."

"And what's it to you, _Headmaster_?" sneered Avery. "You can't stop us. You're weak; not only weak, but you're a fool as well."

The Death Eaters were masked, but Snape knew which person was which, not because of their masks, but by the way they held themselves. Avery was the only Death Eater who was not masked. Some would call him brave. In a sense, he was, but for the most part it was idiocy—idiocy and immorality. Behind Avery was Bellatrix, holding Alice rather roughly. Alice seemed to be in a trance.

Curses were cast at Dumbledore: Without much effort, or sweat, Dumbledore blocked every single curse mutely and wandlessely. The next few words the Dumbledore uttered shocked every single wizard within the area. "Expulsion would do you no good. You would not care—not at all. But what about a trip to Azkaban—would you care then? Ah, do I detect a glimmer of fear in those eyes of yours. What would you dear Voldemort do to you all, if he were to know that you have not only failed him, but ended up behind thick, metal bars, for the rest of your miserable lives?" His voice was callous. What had become of the Dumbledore that Severus had known? The soft caress of Dumbledore's gone, the optimism, the words of encouragement, the hope—all of it gone! What had perished inside of this man? He was decaying on the inside, rotting constantly.

With a flick of Dumbledore's wand, the Death Eaters froze over, completely still, covered by a thick layer of transparent ice. "Come out you two." Despite the ice, the eyes of the Death Eaters darted toward Regulus and Severus as they walked toward Dumbledore. Weeding his way through the frozen statues, Dumbledore unfroze only Alice. She jumped at him and into his arms. "Take her," Dumbledore motion to Regulus.

"We best be leaving, the charm will wear off soon," Dumbledore breathed.

In his peripheral vision, Severus could see a piece of paisley fabric skitter across the ground behind a building. His eyes flashed with a red gleam. "I will be staying for a bit longer, if you don't mind. I will return in the morning." Severus said.

Once Dumbledore, Alice and Regulus, along with the group of Death Eaters disapperated, Severus walked behind the wooden building, in which he saw the glimpse of fabric. In the corner between two buildings was Emma, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees. As Severus walked toward her, the Polyjuice potion lost its affect. "Daddy?" she asked timidly.

"How did you get here?"

"I don' know…I touched a toy…and I—I came 'ere. I'm so sorry Daddy! I won't do it again! I promise," her voice wavered frequently. She began to cry.

Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her. "Shh, don't cry pumpkin." _Where did that come from? Years of taking care of children—that's where. She clearly touched a port-key. _"It's going to be okay, I'm here now," his voice was monotonous. "You aren't in trouble, okay?"

Dawn was breaking. The winter had still not completely left England. It was nearing the end of March, so it would not be too long a wait for the warmth to return. But he was worried for Emma. She would catch her death, if he were to leave her outside for much longer. He took off his cloak and wrapped it around a shivering Emma.

"Better?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"We should go back home."

"But I wanted to show you somethin'."

"Show me something, is that right?" He couldn't say that he wasn't intrigued. This was a completely new experience for him.

"It not too far from 'ere. Come on Daddy!" She stood up and tugged him up. She began to run, and Severus followed her.

She drew him to the forest. The forest was composed of leafless trees, all of which looked sickly. The ground was covered by yellow grass. The air was thick with the scent of musk. There was a pond which sparkled in the bright light coming from the horizon. The further they went the more frightened Severus became. How could he trust Emma? His mind was telling him not to, but his heart, his bleeding heart was telling him with every notion that he should follow her to the ends of the earth if he must.

They reached a ridge, but when Emma tried to turn, she slid down it, screeching loudly—so loudly the animals nearby ran away quickly in a rustle of flapping wings and stampeding hooves.

"Emma!" he yelled after her. He too slid down the ridge, though he did so cautiously and with the support of magic behind him. What surprised him was that Emma had not used a burst of childish, impulsive magic to stop her fall. "Emma where are you!"

"I'm down here!" he heard her say from a distance.

When he turned he saw an opening between two rocks, just barely big enough for him to fit through. "In here daddy!" he heard her say again, this time more distinctly. Sighing, he crawled after her. The space was dark, but he could still see five meters in front of him. His knees ached, and his hands were scraped from the uneven rubble ground.

A light was at the end of the long tunnel. He could see Emma's periwinkle dress as he approached the light. There was a small hollow where Emma was. The hollow was slate colored and filled with runic symbols and ancient drawings, all depicting tales of massacre and love. She was curled up at the edge of the wall, staring at something he was not sure of.

"What are you looking at?"

"It's pretty," was all she responded with.

There before him was a golden cup, larger than most. Embossed on it was a badger. His eyes widened. _"Hufflepuff's cup…"_ he thought. Surely it couldn't be this easy to take. When he reached out to it, his hand was shocked with a bolt of lightning, though it did not hurt…too much. He tried again, but the same thing had happened, though this time it had hurt even more.

He thought carefully. How could he get it? It was the second Horcrux! His mind was about to burst in elation and anger! He hit his head against the wall, much like Tibby would if she had done something wrong.

"Daddy did you want it?" Emma had taken the cup with Severus' cloak.

"Can you use magic?" he asked her, before he could process what had just happened. She shook her head 'no'.

_She's a squib…it explains so much. _

Over the past weeks that had had known her, he had not seen a deliberate nor accidental burst of magic from her. He assumed that she was shy, much like he was at her age. The fact the Voldemort had undervalued squibs showed one of his many follies. The fact that Emma was immune to his methods of safekeeping pleased Severus.

He kissed Emma on the forehead. "You did well today Emma, you did very well."

He hugged her out appreciation, out of thankfulness, but most importantly out of love and compassion. He wouldn't mind her too much, certainly, not too much at all. The day had turned out better than he originally had thought it would. The best part—at the end of it, he knew that ahead of him lied many nights full of the sleep in which he had lacked over the past few days.

When he hugged Emma he had noticed that she had smelled, oddly though, like happiness—exactly what a child should smell like. She was a new hope in his life,a new light shining down upon him gloriously. If only he could keep Emma—if only he could tell Lily about her existence, and that he would have enjoyed it if they could be together, with Emma, of course. He was sure that Lily would love her as if she were her own. He was getting ahead of himself. He had to give up those dreams for now. Though he was ready to tread those dangerous waters with zeal and happiness, the rest of the world wasn't ready for him to depart from his more important goals. Sadly, he gazed upon Emma. Secretly, he imagined Lily there too, holding Emma on the other side.

One day he would have happiness… One day he would have it all… It would be glorious. He promised it to himself. Hopefully, Lily would want it too.

* * *

A/N: I apologize for my lack of update last week. I do hope that this makes up for it. Another chapter will be posted tomorrow. I will keep that promise.

Chapter 31's Teaser:

Snape stood vertically from Lupin, his eyes squinted and a look of annoyance on his face. Unlike Snape, Lupin looked care-free, though on the inside he was boiling with fury and malice. Lupin put his wand at ready first, followed by Severus who lazily held it up into the air. He knew that Lupin wouldn't harm him, or at least not too much.

-Grey


	31. Chapter XXXI

XXXI

The light of a torch lit the room, but the heat of the torch could not warm the cold of the room. Nothing could cut through the icy wrath within the room. Winter would flee from the coldness of this room, in fear, with haste, running away from this room, for this room was the epitome of darkness; the cave where the uncouth, unnamable and unimaginable evils lingered. In its depths was death, piles of skulls frozen over with thick, white ice.

The light flickered ever so hazily. In the light there was a pale face, with unnaturally colored lips curled in a smile, revealing teeth, nay yellow fangs and a nearly blood-red tongue sweeping over them in satisfaction.

Severus limped into the room, his arms shaking from the cold. He could see a flicker of respect in his master's eyes. The ice beneath his feet was cracking with each step he took. Though the end of March was upon them, the Dark Lord had other plans for the cold—it had to be sustained wherever he was. He had grown to…enjoy the cold, per say.

In the night, whenever it was the coldest, the Dark Lord would always call, one way or another, accessing his mind, urging him, beckoning for Severus to come to him, to lose himself in his evil and finally become something Severus had long ago dreaded; thought of with fear, and anticipated with horror, because the inevitability was always obvious to him—so obvious that it was on his forefront of emotion, always creeping up on him at the most inopportune of times. So in the middle of the night, when vespertine infestations had corrupted his mind, Severus had gone to the Dark Lord, accessing his deepest, darkest layer. All the while, his worst fears were poking at him, implying that they would be very soon realized.

So, he had treated the ice strewn land with brazen hope, but when he saw Voldemort's red eyes staring at him, something in his step wavered; no longer did he have the same blatant brevity, yet he did not turn into a coward. Severus Snape was no coward— he would face every burden, every enigma and every fear with the same unwavering vehemence he had long ago obtained.

"My Lord," he bowed at the man's feet, his head hung low, starring at the ground.

"Severus stand up." When he did, he faced anywhere but his master. He saw the skulls on the ground and the decaying flesh of the long ago perished beings. "You've done well, very well indeed," Voldemort hissed proudly. "All of this—the dead on the ground—a product of your potion; I couldn't have hoped for better."

If it was possible, Severus felt even colder than the lair his was in. How could he have forgotten? He could have invented a cure for it by now. Yet he chose to preoccupy himself with Lily—the bane of his existence, the woman he knew would be the death of him, yet the one thing which fueled him to go through this endeavor yet again. He was not angered because of Lily, but because he had let himself drown in her without a single protest.

"You are so unlike the others. You've never failed me," he sighed. "You, unlike them are still in Hogwarts, widening that brilliant mind of yours. And they—they are at the ministry, waiting for a sentence to Azkaban." Lethal fire flickered in his eyes, as he curled his left hand into a tight, bony fist. "But there's no need to get into that now." Severus had, of course known this all.

With the tip of his black wand, Voldemort touched Severus left forearm. "I could give you the mark," he contemplated. "You deserve it so." He pressed the wand harder against Severus' skin. Not a flicker of fear formed in Severus' eyes. He was blank, unperturbed. "But why do it now, when there could be others to witness you earn such a…great thing? Oh yes, it will have to wait. But do not worry Severus, you will receive it soon enough. You are dismissed."

"Thank you my Lord," Severus bowed a deep bow and left, the Dark Lord smirking as he eyes his soon-to-be Death Eater.

When Severus had returned to the castle, he had stopped himself from entering anywhere where he could be seen by people. His arms were shaking, adrenaline coursing through him, warming and cooling his body at the same time. He had to recollect himself, and it could possibly take hours before he was calm enough to bear others. He had still felt disturbed by himself. He could not fathom how he had sunk so low. How had he let himself get so distracted? But still, he found himself wanting something more, though he knew he could not have it. What had he been thinking when he had thought the he could handle a relationship while simultaneously attempting to save the world? Truth be told, he hadn't been thinking. At the forefront of his mind was Lily, always her; always would she haunt him, because he was enough of a fool to love her.

He knew the time was coming, forever lingering in the near future. He would receive the dark mark soon, and then he could never be with Lily. She would grow suspicious if he were to bandage his left arm. He would have to tell her soon of what he was doing, and hopefully she would understand. If she didn't—if and only if she didn't—then he wouldn't know what would happen. He didn't want to think about it. Right now, he had to think up a cure for the potion. It would have to wait till tomorrow; the sun had already set, and the students were heading back to their dormitories.

For the first time in his life, he had absolutely to no idea of what he was doing. He was in the private lab in the Room of Requirement, which only he was privy to (he had set up a complex set of passwords needed, before entrance). On the ground were cauldrons, which needed repair, sprigs of plants strewn across the thick carpeting and his school cloak, thrown carelessly.

The potions base was black and bubbling, the flame lit as low as it could be. Brewing cures was much harder than brewing poisons. As he stirred the base deliberately, he added a hefty amount of charcoal into it, wincing slightly as he braced himself for a possible explosion. He opened his eyes after he finished stirring. Before him, the half-finished potion was stable. Next he added echinacea to it, stirring eight times counterclockwise.

The more he modified it, the sourer the scent became. Regardless, he felt something so right about the potion. At the end, for something had possessed him to do something unconventional and most-likely never before done, he added a handful of bezoars. The potion began to bubble uncontrollably. He whipped out his wand as quickly as he could, but by the time he did, the potion reduced and turned a very pleasant, very beautiful shade of auburn that almost exactly matched the color of Lily's hair. Never had he seen a potion look so breathtakingly sublime. He quickly turned the burner off and bottled it in the finest flagon he had ever owned. He had never felt so enraptured by a potion. He dared to be intrepid; opening the flagon, he took a whiff of the liquid. It smelled of peppery flowers—to him it was a divine scent, however anomalous it was.

He put it in the inner pocket of his cloak, to be forever stowed away in it. Exiting the room, he looked left and right, before concluding that the corridor was safe to walk in without being seen. He held his head up a little higher than usual as he ambled through the halls. For once he didn't feel degraded, or mortified. His will sinewed the more he thought of what he had done. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn't as terrible as he thought he was. There could have been the modicum of a possibility that darkness doesn't consume all, and that inside the light had truly prevailed. But still, to him it would be always imprudent to think of such things with hope, because hoping would only set him up to be crushed—crushed like the ground beneath our feat, forevermore treaded, relentlessly beaten and compacted.

* * *

He checked his black leather watch; he had not been late for class—in fact he had just a few minutes before his first class would begin. Of course, his favorite class of the day was about to begin: Defense against the Dark Arts. Though the day before had ended dreadfully, this new day had started off on a better foot.

When his presence graced the classroom, heads turned, because Snape had shown up last—something that in the history of Hogwarts had never happened. It was unhinging to them—of course, without a second to let out a much needed breath, they all suspected him of wrongdoing.

"Sit down, Severus—you're making a spectacle of yourself," said Professor McGonagall. She had been substituting for Professor Grendel, ever since he had been attacked by an acromentula in the Forbidden Forest, just a fortnight before.

_Or rather they are making a spectacle of me. _He thought bitterly, before sitting down in the corner, right next to Lupin, for the seat next to Lily had already been taken by none other than James, who looked rather smitten. He suavely placed his hand on top of hers. Reacting with malice, she pushed his hand off of hers and made her way to slap him hard across the cheek, before Severus could stand up and tackle him in spite.

"Ms. Evans, there will be none of that in this classroom!" roared McGonagall, whose face had turned a shade of cherry that Severus had never seen on her face before. Her greying brows were furrowed closely together, and her forehead had formed thin lines at its center. Unlike other Professors, she turned around and wrote with powdery, white chalk: _**Casting Spells Wordlessly**_ on the board. As she did, Severus heard her mutter, _"This class is more about revenge than it is about learning how to defend yourselves." _

She wore a tartan dress that day, an ebony cardigan over it. Her hair was peppered, and her skin had only just begun to show the signs of aging—wizards aged much slower than the standard Muggle, but in this case the stress of her life had already begun to attack her aging without mercy. McGonagall adjusted to the Defense classroom rather well, thought it had not been much different than her own classroom. There were rows of desks, though this classroom had the students seated in pairs, rather than trios. Professor Grendel's cedar desk sat in the corner, cluttered with papers—from Severus' point of view, it highly resembled a wasteland. The floor was fire-resistant speckled granite. There were seldom bookshelves in the room, filled with textbooks, most of which pertained to anything, but the dark arts and how to defend oneself from them.

"Though I'm fully aware that you all _know_ how to cast spells silently, there is always room for improvement. Furthermore, I believe it would be sensible if you all were to grasp it with more confidence. You will work in pairs—your partner will be the person who is sitting right next to you. That's all—you may begin." Not wanting to go anywhere near Grendel's desk, she sat down in the only spare stool, her arms crossed as she watched the students quickly get out of their seats.

Snape stood vertically from Lupin, his eyes squinted and a look of annoyance on his face. Unlike Snape, Lupin looked care-free, though on the inside he was boiling with fury and malice. Lupin put his wand at ready first, followed by Severus who lazily held it up into the air. He knew that Lupin wouldn't harm him, or at least not too much.

_"Confundo," _thought Remus as he made a weak jabbing motion with his want, followed by an upwards flick.

Within a second Snape counter-thought, _"Finite Incantatem," _this was accompanied with a sharp poke of Snape's black, lengthy wand. He followed it with an Avis-Oppugno duo, which had caught Remus by surprise.

Eventually, their dueling became more heated, causing them to use a larger span of the classroom as they moved through the center of other duels. Professor McGonagall became intrigued, a pensive look on her face. Her hands which were previously folded in her lap became balled up into pale, strained fists as she waited for the next move of offence. The other students stopped dueling, completely overtaken by the action-packed, albeit reckless display of repressed hatred.

Soon Snape decided against the instructions on the wall, to put away his wand, folding his arms behind his back, in order to perform wordless, wandless magic in front of his meager-minded, inexperienced and mostly idiotic classmates. For a brief moment, Lupin became disconcerted, and he stopped casting spells at Snape in order to take in what Severus had just audaciously done.

When Remus opened his mouth, Severus knew well enough to cast the Muffliato charm around them. Remus face was contorted with pain, but he held himself together the best he could. McGonagall leaned forward in her chair, trying to make out what was happening, but it was beyond her.

"Muffliato Charm?" inquired Remus.

"But of course. And I would assume that you only know of it because you so loved to steal my potions book along with your hooligan brethren. Am I correct?"

"Loved—no; however, they did cherish taking your book. It earned them many O's at the end of the year…" For a moment, Lupin thought over what he was about to say. "I told you I would come back to haunt you if I were to see Black—"

"Your future husband, you mean," Snape snarled, his left eyebrow slightly higher than his right. Severus had long ago forgotten about Sirius. Only and only if people could hear their bickering, instead of buzzing wanted to tell him those words in their ears could that moment have been any more satisfying for him. Humorously enough, and contrary to his original belief, Remus would not marry Sirius; in fact he would marry a younger, female Metamorphagis who particularly enjoyed the color pink. Childish though his daunting was, Severus quickly returned to his more mature state of personality.

Remus squinted at him. "Ha-ha, very funny, you git. Now, to more pressing things, Sirius is depressed. Mind telling me why?" Remus cast a spell, Severus blocked it—green and red sparks flying across the room.

"Oh, yes—I have no clue why he continues to snivel like a dainty child," he stated sardonically. Perhaps, if he deemed you trustworthy, then he would tell you. However, you shouldn't seek me for such information." In between their sentences they began to attack each other, full force, forgetting that there were other people in the room.

"Cat got your tongue Snape? You're up to something, and I know it too." A stream of laurel colored magic hit Remus' cheek, grazing it slightly; the cut burned, though it was thin, it felt as if acid was seeping deeper into it as thick, crimson blood slid down his cheek.

"Analytical and astute as ever Lupin! Oh yes, I'm planning world domination and sending Sirius into dejection was the first part of my plan! Always putting your penetrating mind to the task—you complete, and utter dunderhead, can't you see that finding the reason why your friend is in such is state is not as nearly as important as—" But Severus stopped himself from digging his grave any deeper.

"As what, Snape?"

"Asking questions leads to an early death, you know." He folded his arms over his chest, his face twisted in an unnerving scowl and his eyes, boring icily into Lupin's soul. A cold, angst-ridden chill trickled down his spine ever so uncomfortably.

"Why does it matter when my life's been cut by a quarter or more already," he scoffed with rue.

"If it really matters to you, and if you truly care about the wellbeing of your friend you will keep your nose out of other people's business. Too many lives are at stake. I will not say another word."

"Lives—you have lives in your hands." Snape nodded reproachfully. "I apologize."

Though every fiber of he being was against it, Severus said, "Accepted." Upon which Lupin laughed, completely hysterical. "I have more of the Wolfsbane potion to give to you."

Remus stopped laughing, a sincere look on his face. "I could never be more grateful to you, because of your brewing." Contradictory to that, Remus sent an Incedio to Severus' feet; they lit on fire, the leather on his shoes quickly turning into ashes. As quickly as possible, he used an agumenti charm on them, before pointing it at Remus who became doused by a thick, frothy stream of water which hit him with such force that he was knocked to the ground. Casting Stupify upon him, Remus was rendered unconscious. A split second later, Severus let down the Muffliato charm.

There was silence at first; poisonous, mortifying silence. Then, a blonde, amber-eyed Gryffindor stood up, followed by a few others who were staring completely overtaken by their display of magical proficiency. McGonagall sat in her corner, smirking at them; it was a silent praise that they received. Severus quickly casted Renervate upon Remus. He held his position on the ground; his eyes fluttered open and his hand gripped the air a few times, but he was too in shock to get up. It was a jarring feeling, which was inside of them—never in their lives had they seen applause for a duel in Defense against the Dark Arts. Severus tugged Lupin harshly; so that he would he would be standing on his feet, though it felt as if he had been floating unfettered by a single thing, instead. Remus' face became flushed in both embarrassment and pride.

"Fifty points to Gryffindor—and Seventy to Slytherin," uttered McGonagall over the applause. "Class dismissed." After they registered what McGonagall had said, as well as after they felt like they had clapped enough, they left the room. As the students left, Severus transfigured himself a new pair of shoes.

Severus passed the girl's lavatory on the second floor, moans and cries escaping disturbingly from it—most likely from Moaning Myrtle. Suspiciously, there was a shadow lingering in the candle lit corner. Severus walked up to it carefully, turning slightly.

"Oi Snape!" He heard behind him. The person in the corner flinched. "What are you doing up here?" Severus walked out into the center of the corridor.

"I could ask both of you the same thing, now couldn't I?"

"What do you mean both?"

"Regulus, come out."

He did as instructed, a graphic magazine rolled up in his hand. Sirius burst out in laughter. "Why can't you too just leave me alone?"

"My little brother's all grown up now…Looking at half naked witches—no they're muggles! Who would have thought?" After Sirius had noticed that Regulus was feeling better, he began to feel better himself. Since Severus brought Regulus onto his mission, there was that old spark in his eyes.

After a minute, Severus left the two brothers to whatever would happen with the magazine. But in all honesty, Severus knew that somehow, after a bout of wrestling, Sirius would end up with it.

In the court yard, there were sobs much like the ones on the second floor, but these were accompanied by sporadic breathing, loud enough for Severus to here from the other side of it.

For the first time since winter, it had been warm enough for the students to go outside without a coat on. The snow no longer fell and the evergreen trees were no longer capped in white. Beyond the courtyard the land was filled with greening grass, which was begging to be cut. But in the courtyard, there was no miracle of spring. It was a covered stone cloister, with an open colonnade running around it. He crossed the paved ground, trying to ignore the sobs which sounded so familiar to him.

The urge unbearable, he dawdled toward the source of the sobs. On a partially hidden, stone bench was Lily, a wretched tissue filled with tears and snot in her hand. Severus sat down next to her, putting his arm around her shoulder. She knew it was him; he was the only man who could send the same empowering, nearly euphoric spark running through her veins.

She turned to face him, her eyelids and lips swollen and red. Even though she was crying, Severus thought she had beauty which could not be paralleled. Then, Severus noticed the cigarette in her hand, still unlit, its revolting scent still contained. He gripped her tighter, only now hugely worrying for Lily.

"You only smoke when something's really bothering you Lily. Was is—was it Potter?" She nodded with sorrow and regret, letting out louder cries. "What happened after class? I saw him touch you in class."

"He pushed me up against a wall. He said that Murray wasn't enough for him—that he still wanted me. He tried to kiss me." Inside him, his stomach was boiling, churning in an endless spiral of odium. "I'm so sorry Sev, so sorry. I should have moved away from him in class. I should have avoided him even more than I had been."

"It's not your fault. You're the victim, Lily." His strengthened his grip on her. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm not mad at you. I, however, could and possibly will kill Potter." Lily laughed before more tears fell down her reddening cheeks.

The walls felt as if they were closing in on him. His chest tightened. For a moment, he thought he would become beyond hysteric. Looking at the castle, it no longer had that same welcoming presence. Its façade now seemed cold and oppressive. A senseless, irrevocable idea entered his mind.

"Let's go somewhere for the Easter break. Both of us need to get away from here."

"What about studying for NEWT's? You always study like a maniac for tests."

"We'll study over the break…I have all the textbooks we need, and then some."

"Yes, we better make the best of the break then."

He smiled at her, though it wasn't genuine. Wiping away her tears, he knew he had made a grave mistake. He had once against distracted himself; let himself fall prey to the women before him.

"Thank you," she whispered into his shirt. "I don't know what I would do without you."

He had no clue if the Easter break would be rewarding. He feared it; fear flickered in his eyes. For a brief instant, he became the same coward he refused himself to be. He couldn't reply to Lily's statement. He knew that without him, she wouldn't have been in so much pain. Yet he couldn't let her go, no matter how much he needed to. He loved her too much to see her hurt, but he loved her too much to hurt her by letting her go. Oh yes, it was a terrible place to be, but he would never have chosen another to be, because he was still with Lily.

There was an abject disturbance toiling within him, looming somewhere between his appendix and cecum, rising and spreading throughout his intestines, until it fluttered into his stomach. Was it a craven feeling, or was this some abnormal feeling that he had only just discovered because he had lived so long in the dark, shielded by an emotionless rock? He had to admit, he was not completely opposed to the feeling. There was something pleasing at its depths. Feeling redolent, he thought of the times where he had thought he had lost her. No matter how many times he would tell himself that he would let go of her, he couldn't bear the feeling of losing her one more time. Voldemort wouldn't be the death of him. Losing her would be. Losing your heart along with the reason why you breathe is as good as dying—it's what love does to a person.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes, I will be, thanks Sev."

He kissed her nose, then her forehead, then her cheek, the kisses roaming until the finally reached her swollen lips. The kisses were what brought both of them to safety. In the darkness of the storm, they were the light from the newly visible light tower. His hands plunged softly to her hips, and her arms entwined themselves around his warm neck. For himself, he thought of why he could never let her go, but the answer was clear, in fact it was kissing him right now on the lips. Love—it is the most powerful thing on the planet. To him, Lily was the embodiment of love. Every ounce of pain was worth it, if it meant keeping her.

* * *

A/N: As I promised: Chapter 31 was posted! Do you like it? Reviews? Favorites? Followers? I will be updating on Sunday. Be patient with me.

To all you grammar people: I have no editor! Leave me be. Please, I beg of you. If you don't like the fact that I used vile, instead of vial in a sentence, then go and write your own story! The most important thing is that the ideas are here, and they most certainly are. And, if it really bugs you so much, at the end of this I am going back to fix it all. So there—are you happy now grammar people?

I feel the compelling need to remind you that the 100th favoriter will get a prize: A one-shot of the ship of their choosing.


	32. Chapter XXXII

XXXII

It was a rainy spring day. The Hogwarts students had stopped wearing their dragon-skin gloves between classes. The life on the outside, which had burst into full bloom, was being reflected across the whole castle. Though there had been fiascos, expulsions and a death, together the students had found a reason to smile, and the strength to laugh. The thoughts of the Easter holiday had certainly brightened their moods; the thoughts of no homework, and time to study for OWLs and NEWTs gave them something they had long ago hoped for.

Severus stood at the castle's entrance, waiting for his red haired beauty to come so they would walk out into their reverie. A gangly, black haired boy walked passed him—he was thin, ghastly so, not only thin but pale, yet there was that certain pathetic glimmer in his eyes; hope, willingness, pure audaciousness in its most concentrated form. There was the twelve year old version of himself, twitching as he walked, right there twitchily meandering passed him. The boy looked nothing like Severus, of course, but the semblance was more that of the inner kind. So Severus reminisced—reminisced of the time that he was truly pitiable, yet innocent. They were some of the best days of his life, yet they were nothing compared to where he was now; a grown man, with so much to protect and to save. The acrid burden had its saccharinity, though he could never fathom exactly why it was so.

The mockingbirds sang a joyous tune. Latching her arm onto his, Lily greeted him with her heartening smile. For a moment they stood there, saying their we'll-see-you-soon's to the castle, their old home, their old friend, the one that they had grown disgusted of as of late.

"Shall we?" she asked, looking at the winding road before them.

"I believe we shall."

They walked into the rising sun, its warmth radiating unto their skin. Their trunks were shrunken and stuffed into their pockets. Once they had reached Hogsmeade, they decided that they would not bother with the train, because the Easter break had always been shorter than winter's break. As Lily was pushed through the unfathomable vortex, all she could feel was the guilt of not riding that train. Something within her kept prodding her, hissing to her that she would never visit King's Cross station again, after the school year would end, or perhaps even before the school year. It was an unnerving feeling. They had apparated their separate ways, both too their separate homes, but with promises that they would leave before the nightfall.

* * *

He landed in the middle of the living room in his home. A floorboard cracked beneath his feet, and he swore, rather loudly, much unlike the times when he had only swore under his breath. He traipsed to his room, his footsteps silent, just in case if his father had been waiting for him.

He pressed the door closed as lightly as he could, though a creak had escaped its rusting hinges. He chucked his charcoal trunk onto his unmade bed. Not a single thing had been touched since he had left months ago. Most pressingly, there was still Regulus' owl, Isadora, perched on his desk, her pellets scattered across the floor. _"At least she didn't ruin any of the papers," _he thought, attempting to placate himself, in order to not kill the damned thing!

She held a crudely crumpled parchment in her beak, but as she saw him move past the door, she dropped it onto his desk. She hooted softly, and he in reaction curled his fingers into tights fists, before letting out a deep breath. He snatched the parchment from off of his desk, and shakily opened it, lifting it to his face, slightly fearing to read its foreseeably dismal contents.

_Dear Severus,_

_ I am forced to inform you that upon the Liege's request, of which I most regret ever hearing, that you are to attend the next meeting, which will take place over the Easter break. We will be meeting at the Hanging Lantern and the Scribe. The meeting will take place before the first screech on the night of the quarter waning moon. Do not be late—I hear the Rose has devious punishments waiting for you. What he has against you, I will never know._

_On a side note, I am glad that you have managed to break free from Hogwarts for a short time. I suspect that things will be rather messy over the break. I can feel it. Though, I must shamefully admit, that I wish you were here. It gets lonely here sometimes. With most of the Knights gone from the school, there is nothing fun to listen in upon. _

_ -Reg_

The letter was coded—the owls were being intercepted once more. Severus' stomach began to boil. It was not a good sign. Which side was intercepting? He knew that the Order had been working on it, but the Death Eaters had somehow heard of this, and in turn wanted to be the first to start intercepting owls. For an instant of uncertainty, he contemplated returning to Hogwarts, but knew that he was much too deep into his promises to go back on them.

He resized his trunk to its original size. It crushed the yellowing cot, till the cotton filling inside of it and the hard, metal springs had been forced to be half their original size. Taking out his Hogwarts uniform, he replaced them with the letter and a few articles of clothing, which he had pulled out of the tiny, alder wardrobe.

Shrinking his trunk once more, he put it in the pocket of his charcoal colored slacks. Steadfastly, he walked through the house, eyeing it. It seemed…different…different, as in improved. But there was something missing in the house—something that he had known since the day he was brought shamefully into this world. His stomach did not lurch with every intake of air, nor did he gain the same heartburn that he used to. What was this new presence? The house nearly smelled…clean—like fresh sprigs of sage and slices of blood oranges had been scattered throughout the abode.

In the living room, of which he had taken no prior notice, had seemed to be changed. The recliner, which had used to be terribly patched up, was now replaced with some newer version of the old. The fire place, beyond all speculation, had actually been lit, the fire crackling, and the ashes in the allotted space, and smoke circled around the fire. Then the table—the table of all things—was cleaned! There was not a single dish, dirty nor clean on it! Oh the sight! The glorious cleanliness of the household! What had happened to the dilapidated wasteland of whiskey bottles and old underwear which he had used to call a home?

If he was the type of man, he would have skipped to the kitchenette, but unfortunately he was not the type of man to daintily "skip" _anywhere_. With a most placid stride, he entered the kitchen, opening each and every cupboard and drawer. Oh the beauty!—all of its sublimity!—"_if this is a dream, then let this fine haunting never end"_, oh how he yearned. Not a single bottle lay within its depths. The nightmare had fled—he had dared to check the fridge. Inside, oh how he had been right, had been not a single bottle of the amber, carbonated liquid which he had so loathed.

He turned around, all one hundred eighty degrees, with sheer bliss, but there was no smile upon his weary face. His father, the blading man, with a hooked nose and peppered hair had been come into the room, an iron bat in his hands, ready to attack whatever intruder he had heard.

"Severus," his father breathed, the bat falling to the ground; the sound of metal hitting ceramic was unconcerting. It was the first time since Severus was a wee lad, that his father had ever said his name with…dare it be said, a gentle, caring caress in his voice. His father had been wearing a very new looking, tartan shirt that day, and a pair of workmen's jeans.

Severus stood completely still, as taciturn as a stature. His father came toward him, Severus nearly flinched, ready for him to strike, but no move had been made. Tobias, wrapping his arms around Severus tightly, hugged his son. He hugged him—hugged him as an apology, as a sign of care and most importantly, but bewilderingly, as a sign that the man had changed.

"You're sober," was all that Severus said as his father hugged him. His arms laid at his side, refusing to move. "HAS HELL FINALLY FROZEN OVER?" he yelled, his voice in a crackling near-shriek.

When they separated, his father, the poor, poor sober man, who had only done this for a single reason—his son; his son whom he had loved, though never had gotten a abstemious chance at showing him his appreciation and his care, nay blood-linked love for his son. As he had loosened his grip on Severus, he had felt his optimism float away from him, through the open window and out to the setting sun.

"Oh great—I've been stunned and I'm delusional now! Bloody fantastic. This is just too much!" yelled Severus, his hands flailing in the air unusually.

"Nope, it's real. I don't know what ya mean by that stunned business of yehrs. But this is real—most certainly real."

He stared at his father, wide eyed. "You mean to tell me, and I do hope that I have done my math correctly—that after oh what is it?—seventeen years of alcoholism—that you have finally stopped drinking?"

"Jus' follow me," he announced his he briskly turned as he proceeded out of the house, through the back yard, and around the house. Then, they were at the lake ambling to the farther, West side of it, attempting to avoid the abysmal odor of floating garbage that had overtaken it. The leaves had sprouted on the willow trees; black tears appeared to fall from the thin eyelash-like branches of the sobbing willow trees. The grass was uncut, and muddy holes were the vast majority of what used to be a divine meadow of blossoming hyacinths, daisies and lavenders. Mockingbirds flew from tree to tree, singing a painful, strained lament.

Tobias leaned against a tree, taking in a deep breath of air through his nostrils. Yes, the air smelled revolting, but even with its harrowing redolence, there was still the old scent of wildflowers in the air—a scent that had reminded him of his deceased wife, Eileen.

In spite of himself, Severus held his tongue and looked at the placid lake. There had never been a more repulsive looking lake that he had laid his eyes upon. It lacked the magnificence of the Black Lake at Hogwarts, held the same scene of a waste land, but it also had its own magic—a type of magic that Muggles, and those who came from Muggles could understand.

Tobias took a silver flask out of the pocket in his workpants. He took a hearty swig, smacked his lips and then put it in front of Severus' face. Without a single question, or remark, Severus took a more than hearty swig of whiskey before handing it back to his father. There was not a broken man, nor a cowering boy that stood there. These were true men—equal men; equal in the sense that a key had unlocked every harboring lock, and every jailing gate had opened.

"I thought you quit," intoned Severus.

"Quit—no. There's a dif'rence between quittin' an' stoppin' before yehr piss drunk," he looked at his son, "I take a drink whenever I need it. That's why the bottles are gone." Hell hadn't frozen over. "Will I ever stop drinkin'? Maybe one day—for now this flask's as far as I'll go."

Severus snorted. He knew his father well enough to know that whiskey was his one true passion. The flask was handed back to him, but this time Severus did not drink. He looked at it— green emeralds were glinting in the light of the noon sun. Embossed on it was a poem, or rather a dirge. He read it, the words so tiny and delicate, mulling over in his head, ebbing onto the edge of touching his heart.

_From childhood's hour I have not been_

_As others were; I have not seen_

_As others saw; I could not bring_

_My passions from a common spring._

_From the same source I have not taken_

_My sorrow; I could not awaken_

_My heart to joy at the same tone;_

_And all I loved, I loved alone._

_Then- in my childhood, in the dawn_

_Of a most stormy life- was drawn_

_From every depth of good and ill _

_The mystery which binds me still…_

His father smirked. "I know yeh met that Evans girl here. I know, because yeh wouldn't shut up about fer a week when yeh were just a wee lad. Always mutterin' in yehr sleep about 'er red hair and all tha'." He spoke lowly, "This place—this place…

"I met yehr mother 'ere, believe it er not. Thought she fell outta the sky, quite literally, at the time. She was panicin'—makin' a right ruckus out 'ere in the middle of this place. Not too far from this tree, actually. She tried ter tell me tha' she had climbed up the tree and fell down. I believed 'er then. We were eighteen at the time, I s'pose.

"You know what 'appened after tha'. We got hitched, and then you came along not too long after tha'. I wasn't a good father ta yeh, and I know it too. I wasn't a good husband either. Didn't tell me about her magic—didn't tell me tha' you would end up in the same lot tha' she was. She didn't tell me a lot of things. I was mad for a time—a long time." Could it be? It couldn't. Those were not actual tears being secreted from his father's eyes. Where they? Impossible—or so he thought it was.

"Tha' flask was 'er's. It was the only thing she brought from her world to this one. And now she's gone. Gone… I would'da kept 'er alive, if I 'ad been right in the mind. She killed 'erself, you know. And sometimes, no—all the time, I think tha' I killed her instead. Right near the end of it, she 'ad, 'ad the last straw, because of me.

"When we first met, we loved each other, we did, truly. Still love 'er to this day. Wish I had told 'er—wish I had done things differently fer the both of yeh. Wish that I hadn't gotten so mad over tha' magic of yehrs. It didn't change who she was one bit—not one bit. Should'da understood 'er reasons better—shoud'da bothered to ask, to try to understand 'er.

"An' I want ta tell you tha' I'm sorry fer not bein' a better father. I can't change tha' now. Yehr a grown man—you can make yehr own life now. An' I also wanted ta tell you that no matter what, yeh better hold onto tha' Evans girl, cause if yeh don't you'll be drinkin' yerself ter the death, for a different reason than mine." His father coughed a bit, before requesting that his son would hand him the flask.

Had his father actually said those words to him?

"Why did you stop drinking, then?"

"Seein' yeh over the break, takin' care of this old, rotting codger, as you called me—it made me think 'bout stuff. Yeh threw out all meh good stuff. There was no point in tormentin' either one of us anymore. And…yehr mother—so she won't keep rolling over in 'er grave," he whispered the last sentence, a tear rolling down his cheek, and soaking into his unshaved face.

Silence was kept after that, the wind blowing through the trees and across the lake. Silence was the way that acceptance was shown in the Snape family. Silence, to them, meant compassion and forgiveness. Without ado, Severus left, nodding his head once at his father.

* * *

"Lily, stop running! You look like a mad woman!" yelled Violeta Evans from the bottom of the staircase as she watched her daughter run to the top of the indigo painted stair case, nearly tripping as she reached the top.

When she ran back down she saw her mother standing, her arms crossed across her chest and a worrisome look on her face. "Sorry, mum, I promised Severus that I would hurry."

"You neglected to tell me that you and Severus are an item. Are you two an item?" Violeta's eyes had a faint, hopeful glimmer in them. Whenever Lily mentioned Severus, Violeta seemed to be slightly happier, slightly more alive than she was just a moment ago. The two were her new hope, and her new reason to move on with life.

"Yeah, we are an 'item', I suppose. It happened on Christmas Eve, actually—at Slughorn's party." Lily was looking at her feet. Had it really been three months since they had gotten together? It seemed improbable to her. It seemed like they had been together for years…Well, they had been, in a sense, but not as a couple.

"I've got to go, mum. I'll see you soon." Lily hugged her mum tightly, before leaving and heading out the door.

Mrs. Evans stood, leaning on the handrail of the staircase. Shimmering tears trundled down her porcelain colored cheeks. She brought the edge of her cream colored apron to her face, wiping the tears away.

Lily was a grown woman. Seeing her jog through the door like that ensured the fact that Mrs. Evans could no longer keep her daughter in the nest. Her baby had aged—aged until the day had finally come. It came, and she knew that she would not see her daughter until she came to tell her about her engagement. Then, she would wait to see her daughter until she told her that she was pregnant. Lastly, she would see the grandchildren, but only when her daughter would be too preoccupied by her own duties to take care of them. Then, she would die—and death would take her beneath its celestial cape, swallow her whole, and she would never leave it. It was the cycle of life. Life has a cruel way of making time pass.

Lily sauntered over to Severus. The sun was still shining overhead, and the day was getting hotter with each passing hour. Over his shoulder, she could see the park at which they used to play at. She smiled as the memories flooded her. More than usual, Severus seemed stoic.

He beckoned her to follow him. The walked down a paved, twisting road. Small children ran past them, chasing each other in what seemed to be a game of tag. Severus pulled bronze colored keys out of his pocket. He stopped walking once they reached a small, black car. He unlocked the door and sat in the driver's seat.

Sitting down in the red leather passenger's seat, Lily asked, "You know how to drive?"

"As a matter of a fact, I do," Severus said as he started the care, an unearthly, most likely precarious noise erupting from the engine of the car. The car was a stick-shift. With one hand on the stick, and the other on the wheel, Severus began to drive.

Lily ogled the dashboard. It was smooth and grey. In the center, right above the radio was a bobble head of a hippogriff. She turned the radio on, and from Severus, she received a chilly sneer.

"So where are we going?" she asked after clearing her throat.

"Half the fun is letting the road take you somewhere. Anywhere."

Lily gulped.

As they drove, one thing was gnawing at Severus' agitated mind. The looming song of impending doom played softly; he was impassive to the song playing on the radio. In every single centimeter the car sped past, Severus swore that he could see the image of the Dark Mark. Every coo, every screech and every horn that sounded turned into a bellowing bass, singing a tale of forsaken life. His worst fears would soon be realized, was what everything in the vicinity had begun to allude to. He gripped the steering wheel tighter, as if he were gripping onto the last vestiges of life.

* * *

A/N: This story is nowhere near being finished. I should tell you this now. I hope to update on Sunday. How am I doing? I know there's spelling errors. Anything else?

Info for my other stories:

If you have read _The Final Plea_: I'm updating it next Sunday. Yes! It is being continued!

If you have read _Mourning Colour_: I hope to update it either Wednesday or Sunday.


	33. Chapter XXXIII

XXXIII

_"What am I getting myself into?" _Lily thought as she fiddled with bottom of her seat. _"It's not bad, though. Not bad at all. But he has to be so damn mysterious all the time." _She looked over to him, his eyes on the road, and his face caught in a single submissive expression. _"I wish I knew what was going on in his mind…" _Little did she know that Severus had been thinking the very same thing about her.

He kept one eye on the road, whilst using the other to observe his stunning companion. He couldn't help, but notice as she stared wearily at the road, and then, every few moments, there would be an amorous spark in her emerald eyes, because she would notice him looking at her.

The green and yellow long grass was bent toward the North, for the wind had been savagely blowing against it. The road was composed of loose soil, umber in color, and filled nearly unnoticeable calico-colored pebbles and gnats were swarming above it, in search of rotting food or animal feces to inhibit. The car's tires crushed everything beneath them, tire tracks trailed behind them. The people within the car did not know that kilometers behind them was a blonde haired man driving a carmine Ferrari at a speed much higher than the speed limit had permitted. Furthermore, they did not know that he was taking careful notice of the tire tracks imprinted in the road.

A miniature, blood orange-colored fox scampered across the road, nearly crushed by the tires of Severus' car, but Severus hadn't allowed it to die so recklessly. Lily gasped in shock when she saw the fox. In an instant, Severus took his hand off of the stick and put it on Lily's lap, and patted it lightly. For the next fifteen minutes, Severus did not take his hand off of her thigh. But in those fifteen minutes, he had lightly rubbed her thigh, edging close and closer to her hip. Lily found that tears had begun to fall from her golden eyelashes and prickle her cheeks. She had not the slightest smidgen of an idea of what had come over her. She put her hand on top of his and tightly squeezed it, her heart pounding in her chest, and her stomach filling with butterflies.

"Is everything alright?" He queried, his voice concerned, but his face completely composed.

"No, everything's fine…" She looked down at his hand. Her face became flushed, and her eyes became slightly wider, but most importantly her lips separated slightly; her pink tongue licked her bottom lip in lust. "I would kiss you right now, if I could…" she thought out loud, her face turning even redder.

Without giving much time to debate with himself, Severs stopped the car at the side of the road, and looked over at Lily. "Well, go ahead, we've got to get somewhere before sundown, but I think this is slightly more important." It was then that he had taken his hand off of her thigh; he put the car in park, but he kept the car going, the air conditioner still blowing barely cool air. "American Pie" was playing in the background.

She climbed awkwardly to him. She sat on his lap, her chest against his. She pulled the rusted, iron lever on the side of his seat; the seat reclined at an obtuse angled. Ignoring the fact that Lily was clearly on top of him, he was the one who had kissed her, not the other way around. Mind you, they had always been in an ongoing battle about who would kiss who first, and who would have the last kiss.

His bit her lip, but she was the one to slide her tongue into his mouth. They grabbed each other, like the senseless animals they were. Beads of sweat began to trail down their foreheads, but neither cared. The only time they would part was to take the much needed breaths of air. Severus' hands were tempted to take off her sea-green blouse, or her old pair of blue jeans, whilst Lily's hands were already unbuttoning his shirt. His hands had begun to sneakily crawl up her shirt, touching her soft, perfectly tangible skin. Then, he kissed her down to her jawline, further down her neck and then back up to her ear, which he had all, but saucily nibbled. When his thin lips reached her pulse point, he could feel just how hard her heart had been beating for him. His kissed that spot with fervor; when he had parted from her porcelain neck, a distinct red mark had been left there, tiny bite marks embedded on her perfect skin.

"We shouldn't go any further," he intoned, though wearily and halfheartedly, looking out of the window to see that the barrenness of the land had not changed at all. "I won't be able to stop, if we go any further."

"But what if I don't want you do stop?" she said pouting, her face twisted. (She was adorable when she did that, though Severus would never say that to her face).

"You say that now. I promise; this will not go uncontinued." He cupped her cheek with the palm of his hand. "Soon, okay Lily? Soon, we'll continue this in a more…proper setting."

"Soon means a lot of things, Severus." She huffed as she climbed off of him.

Severus left his shirt unbuttoned. Putting the car in drive, they continued their journey to an unknown land. Clouds began to cover the sun; the skyline darkened, turning into a dark shade of cerulean, and soon oranges and pinks came to dot the sky. A kilometer behind them was the carmine Ferrari, not quite as fast as it had been.

By and by, the scenery went, the land changing from thick forests to farm lands, to lands that could not be described by mere words, for they were far too breathtaking and unfathomable to ever fully comprehend. They entered one of these awing lands again, the bluebirds still chirping in the middle of the night.

There were green, grassy hills, though in the night they appeared to be as black and as enthralling as Severus' eyes were. A misty fog was emitting from the hills, floating ominously. To the West was a lake with precisely three white swans swimming across it, looking at the car passing by. The moon's reflection could be seen in the lake, its waning form grey and welcoming.

Severus rolled the window down, and so did Lily. They breathed the air of the land; it filled them with wholesome contentment. They breathed the scent of fresh baked cinnamon rolls, which had been made over a fire in the middle of the wilderness, but it was not just that, for it was much, much more. In the air was the scent of the droplets of dew in the grass, the union on lovers in the forest, the odor of nature's finest perfume, drifting through the air, all of it forming something exquisite, something unparalleled.

There was a crack in an enormous tree—just big enough to fit a car through. Severus drove through it, and into the forest; white rabbits scurried and the flying squirrels jumped from branch to branch at the sound of the car. Twigs snapped beneath the tires of the car and flew through the open windows, pelting Severus and Lily; both scrambled quickly to close the windows.

When they exited the forest, they entered a more hilly land. On every hill there was a quaint, stone cottage or two, lanterns lighting the purlieu. In front of each cottage was a short, white-stained picket fence. Sleeping outside were various mutts and kneazles—most were on the porches, or lying contentedly beneath a shady, protective tree. Over yonder was a farm, strawberry fields stretched for kilometers, a wondrous, saccharine scent pervading the air.

"Here," Severus uttered, in almost a whisper, his voice without the blankness or edge it usually possessed.

"Really?" Lily inquired elatedly.

"But of course." He looked to her, smirking, his crooked, slightly yellow teeth showing.

In one of the homes, there was a black haired woman playing the guitar, singing some heartfelt tune, her sultry, alto voice reverberating through the hills. You could see her fingers strumming soulfully on the instrument through the opened window. Her voice carried, as she had sung loudly, her blue eyes slowly closing. Hearing the faint melody, Severus rolled the window open just a smidgen, and her voice entered into the car. Lily closed her eyes, leaning back into her seat, just…melting…

And I've broken my back seven times,

Fighting for you,

But there's still strength,

In this worn down body,

I'll keep up this fight,

Because I'll find a way,

To make never into always,

It'll all be a sweet sacrifice for you…

Severus parked at the side of the road, next to a worn down inn. There was a candle in the window, but that was the only lighting at the current time of night. He helped Lily out of the car, taking her hand and guiding her through the thick, veiling dark. In the distance, crickets could be heard, chirping away, hopping from one blade of dewy grass to the other.

The Inn was an old, worn down, rustic building with a floor, possibly two in it. It was composed of red clay bricks, and there was a small chimney on its crepuscular colored rooftop, but it had not puffed a single visible puff of smoke in ages. When the couple reached the white-washed door, the hinges creaked softly, and a bell rang out in a high-pitched, "ding". When the door closed, the sign above it, which had read "Boutbatton Inn", had fallen to the muddy ground. Inside, the maple flooring was covered in a thick layer of dust. The room smelled of porridge and lemon peels. The end wall of the room had an opening, and in it was a staircase, its steps large, and by looking at it, Severus had already felt fatigue devour him. The candle which had shone through the window was placed in a single candelabrum, cobalt in color. The walls facing the North and the East were made of the same bricks that the façade of the inn was, and on the contrary the two other walls were painted a dark shade of burnt orange.

In the lobby, there was a Victorian-inspired runner, wine in color placed right in front of the front desk, where an old, haggard woman stood, her cataract-covered, laurel colored eyes shifting alertly toward the newcomers. In her mouth, tilted toward them, was an ivory pipe, puffs of nicotine floating in the air. The innkeeper was a slightly-hunchbacked, older woman who wore a fawn colored knit-shawl over her black, white polka-dotted dress. Her cheek bones were slightly higher than average, and her lips were pressed into a thin, intimidating line. Her hair was completely grey, but it shone in the dim light, and appeared to be silver.

Indignantly, she put her pipe down and opened her mouth, which revealed saturated-yellow teeth, hanging loosely to her pink, swollen gums. "Well, get your butts over here. I can't wait here all night for you two, to snag a room!" She spoke with a harsh, American accent. Her voice was hoarse—clearly showing the side effects of smoking as many years as she had been.

Muttering in a low whisper, Severus traipsed to the front desk and started filling out paper work, and afterwards saying, "We'll stay here till Sunday. After that you can wait another millennia until some dunderheads attempt to find a room…_here_," he sneered whilst smirking, his lips curled in a most nefarious, unabashed manner. Something had stirred within him, the very thing causing an afflicting tornado of wickedry, prodding him to points of darkness, which were higher than he had ever felt. How his sheer odium had soared once he bared witness to this woman.

"Why are you acting so terribly?" Lily sighed. She grabbed his arm, and squeezed it tightly.

"It's something you will never comprehend." It was true—Lily could never fully cognize the severity of hatred at first sight, nor the compelling want, nay need to drive a person to their grave, no matter how young or old. It was something which Lily had virtuously avoided. But it was not to say that she was some form of saint or seraph walking upon this iniquitous, blackened world.

Once at the stairs, Severus put his hand on the small of Lily's back. A bolt of electricity-like pleasure ran through her spine. He looked back; the ancient crone still stood there, a smirk on her face. She was staring at them, devising ploys to make their lives a living hell—or at least, the life of Snape.

Their room was on the second floor. The hallway was dimly lit by little bulbs of pale-greenish white magic. The floors were carpeted by thick, palomino colored saxony. Their room was number thirty one—the last room in the inn. Severus shivered when he saw the number. Thirty one had never been a fortunate number for him. His pupils contracted, at the sheer thought of what had happened on the thirty first of both October and July.

Lily had brought him back from his daze once they reached their room. She took the keys from it, and hastily opened it, letting the red alder door slam onto the cool grey plaster walls. Likewise, she let the door slam shut. Severus jumped at the shutting of the door. He would not ask her a question about what had infuriated her, or if it was him.

The room was small; it held a miniscule kitchenette, which had a replenishing food charm upon its cabinets and refrigerator, a twin sized bed, a love seat, and a bathroom. To the side of the bed, there was a sandalwood nightstand, with a silver lamp atop it. Next to the lamp was an empty vase, pleading to be filled with flowers. Aside the entrance door was a closet large enough for several articles of clothing.

Lily walked away from Severus. "You're sleeping on the couch," she growled. Resizing and opening her trunk, she put nicer-looking shirt and a pair of pants, as well as a black pencil skirt into top drawer of the nightstand. "Acting horrid toward an old, blind woman… Bloody wanker—he's acting like a bloody wanker!" Lily huffed under her breath, and she said it without a care if he had overheard her.

Meanwhile, Severus was at the rusted sink, using a cleaning-charm several times on a tea pot that he had found in one of the cabinets. Severus would not stand for anything below his standard of what he deemed to be "clean".

To be crystal clear, Severus had perceived what Lily had rudely snorted beneath her breath. He thought it to be foolish, infernally ludicrous, of course, but he had let it go—he let it go like each passing breath. He had long ago, decades ago, learned how to control his temper around Lily. He did it out of ardor. What else could be his reason?

The tea pot whistled loudly. Severus took the kettle off of the black, magic-powered stove and turned the stove off. In two flowery, indigo tea cups he poured peppermint tea in hopes that it would calm both of their nerves down. Long drives are never good for the mind. They give you far too much time to contemplate about the vices of life. He sweetened the tea a half a packet of sugar in each cup. Both Lily and Severus were not fond of overly sweet tea.

He resized his trunk by the upholstered couch, which was cream in color and had little violet embroidery bedazzling it. He played his part, tricking Lily for the time being. He heard her tip-toe into the bathroom. While she was there, he changed into his night clothing—a black t-shirt and plaid grey and white boxers. His ears perked up when he heard her lie down on the bed.

He grabbed the warm tea and walked over to Lily, who was frowning spitefully. He handed her a cup, which she had reluctantly accepted. Placing his tea cup on the night stand, he slid into bed and retrieved his cup, taking a sweet slip of its mentholated splendor. She drank her tea silently, one eyebrow risen. Once they were done and their tea cups were out of the way, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"I apologize for my indiscretion." He nuzzled her neck, and whispered into her ear, "You're right, I shouldn't hate as much as I do. But at least I love one thing…" he kissed her neck lightly, "I love you." He had a few tricks up his sleeve. He had been saving this one ever since Christmas day—it was at that time that he had come up with a list of ways to get in Lily's favor if he would ever happen to slip out of it. She remained silent. He took this time to get up and brush his teeth. He had to admit to himself: He had gone one too many nights without brushing his teeth in the past.

When he got back into the room, it was then that he had noticed that Lily had been wearing a black, lace nightgown. Had she changed while he was brushing his teeth? He climbed into bed and leaned over her, kissing her full on the lips.

When they parted, she breathed, "You Slytherins—you always have a way to slither yourselves out of the tightest holes."

"And if I couldn't do that, we would have never gotten anywhere in our relationship."

"Mmm….Perhaps."

* * *

A red Ferrari drove in the moonlight, driving slower than humanly possible. It was like a lion stalking its prey, waiting for the opportune moment to create its bravura feat. Its engine purred smoothly. Inside was a man, an austere look upon his royal face. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, his arms strained, a vein popping out across the Dark Mark in his left forearm. He carefully followed the tracks in the dirt ground.

An owl passed over his head, a letter dropping in the passenger's seat. A wry leer spread across his pallid face. He sped up, knowing that he need not waste any more time devising a plan. He had orders to complete. What a fine way to spend a weekend—away from his simpering wife, away from the idiocy of the Ministry, away from it all, just to do his Lord's biddings. The thought of what was in store for the near future had brought him to wondrous reverie, one of which he did not want to be released from.

He put his silvery mask on. That night was the beginning of something indescribable by human words. He could already smell the metallic scent of blood in the air. He licked his cracked lips. The days to come would be memorable: He would make sure of it.

* * *

A/N: I apologize about my lack of updates… I'm struggling with writing. Writer's block, terrible flash drives, the works. I do hope you liked it. I will try to update _The Final Plea_ today. Check out my other FanFics if you haven't, or you think you will get bored by the time I update once more.


	34. Chapter XXXIV

XXXIV

Snape awoke: Lily was in his sturdy arms, breathing into his naked chest. Her pale lips were soggily attached to him, though at the corners of her lips was a distinct space left for breaths of air to enter and leave her. Her eyes were closed as she slept serenely. He stroked her hair, before an iota hit him: Lily was in his arms, in a real bed. Praise the lord almighty! He had sojourned there, in the warm queen sized bed, on the grand morning. To a normal human being, this would call for celebration of the most boisterous kind. But Severus, being the brooding, austere and unique figure he was, slid out of bed and ambled to the window.

The morning was bleak. Minute, shimmering drops had dotted the windowsill. Below there were dwarves hoping about, cussing and smoking grass, and the herbal scent floating through the cracks of the window on the second floor. One of the dwarves spat putrid, thick sputum onto the pebbled ground. When those buggers weren't being watched by humans, they were nearly worse than a cantankerous skrewt...nearly. But it was their own sordid affair, and he had to hold his tongue, keeping his hands at his side, for this was nothing for him to get worked up about.

After cleaning a cast-iron frying pan, he cracked three large, brown chicken eggs and proceeded to making scrambled eggs. He had not cooked in a very long time, and had been slightly apprehensive in trying to create anything elaborate for breakfast; at a later time he would experiment with various, possibly exotic foods. He whisked the eggs as silently as he could in an attempt to not wake Lily up. The stove's red flames danced as he put the pan on its cindering heat. He carefully added two slices of Muenster cheese into the cooking eggs. He put the eggs on two sparkling clean plates and hurried over to Lily, who was turned on her side, still sleeping. He placed the eggs on the bed, on the rumpled, frumpy side where he had slept.

Walked around the bed, and then kneeled beside Lily, her hot breath on his skin. He placed the palm of his hand onto her cheek, his hand shaking from the anxious ardor coursing through every artery, every vein—every capillary of his person. How could he wake her? He recalled a story that Lily had told him long ago; one of a fair maiden who had been cursed by a witch to sleep until her true love would come and kiss her awake. Lily had told him this story on his tenth birthday, when both his parents had forgotten about the day he came barreling into this accursed world. He was disgusted with himself. How could he remember something so…sentimental? More so, how could he do it with the daft smile spreading across his face, and his eyes—his damned, previously threatening vortexes glowing, nay shimmering with a glimmer that even Dumbledore would be proud of? Like a cancer, soft, putty-like weaknesses had spread through him.

_'Only now, will I give in. Never again… I won't have a chance to give in later.' _For every good thought, there is another detrimental insight, and a hopeless wish. It had always been this was with Severus.

Lily looked like a vision as she slept—a vision of pulchritude. Her lips were slightly parted, and her curly hair was spilling over her shoulders in every direction. He leaned into her, his lips latching onto her parched ones. He could taste her morning breath, but he did not care—in fact, even her morning breath was unsoiled divinity to him. Lily's eyes shot open; she nearly pulled away from him, but instead when she had noticed that it had been Severus, she pulled him into bed, his body on top of hers.

"Mmm," Lily began. "I can't think of a better way to wake up."

Severus was still on top of her, the covers separating them. His fingers were in her hair—how he idolized those silky, rubicund waves. "I made breakfast," he announced softly.

She loved the way he felt on top of her. She adored it when he would take the time to stroke her hair, and gaze at her so lovingly. It was only with her that he was like this, and Lily had known this all too well. She cherished it—honored it like no other, always holding it on the highest of pedestals. She only hoped that he thought of her the same way, with as much love, or perhaps even more. She was in a dangerous position; lethal as it was, for she was particularly vulnerable around Severus, especially when the only things separating them were a thin bed sheet, and even…thinner clothing. Want, yearning, lust…was gnawing at them both, provoking them…so wondrously.

Lily was holding herself back, just as Severus was. This was a blasted waiting game for the both of them… How long would it take before one or the other finally cracked? The timer had started counting the seconds eons ago. Just one move—just one spark could set everything on euphoric, pleasurable, addictive fire.

"Let's just stay here." _'For another hour, another day, the rest of eternity perhaps?'_ Her thoughts wandered off. Perhaps, she was getting ahead of itself. "Please," she murmured against his warming cheek.

"Up and out of bed. Now," he drawled demandingly as he slipped off of her and stood stoically, resuming his rigid disposition. He looked to his feet, disappointed. Why hadn't he given in? It concerned him. His own dispositions vexed him. He still burned, just as the feeling of his touch was still burning on Lily's flushed skin.

On the embroidered couch they sat rigidly. An antique gramophone—perhaps from the early nineteen hundreds—whose pavilion was made of oxidized copper was emitting a pleasant, yet nostalgic rendition of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata had provided room in Severus and Lily's minds for strict, unyielding concentration. They ate quietly, looking over their textbooks, though Severus was more so fantasizing while flipping through the pages at predetermined intervals, for he had already memorized each page, word for word, and could (even though it seemed slightly crazed) state each mistake made in the text without taking a single glance at its contents. Lily, meanwhile, was humming as she ate her eggs and re-read a rather concerning passage on charms.

* * *

Severus was transported to a place, exactly this day, however in his first life, where he had been isolated in his dank chamber, imprisoned as if her were a criminal, whose only crime was an overactive mind. At every corner there were books; on every square inch of granite tiled flooring were either notes, quills, bottles of ink, but most importantly every single book that he had owned (which at the time, was near three hundred ninety four volumes of pure, untainted, abundant knowledge). This room was one that he had created himself. This entity was the source of his pride for the months he had spent studying.

The craftsmanship was impeccable. There was a chair, with spindled legs and an emerald green seat cushion in the middle of the room where he had been sitting. Next to it was a bookshelf, made of ebony wood; books were stacked in it, leather tomes, buckled field notes, all hidden behind one another. The room was lit by a silver chandelier holding small, crystalline light bulbs. Severus, being that creative-minded person he was, had made the ceiling black, whilst the walls were painted to resemble a cliff side, so that every time he looked up, he would feel as if he were falling.

Yet neither studying, nor this extravagant room could keep him preoccupied. His thoughts would linger in places that should have been abandoned long ago. There was one word for it. One destructive name—two poisonous syllables—four inconceivable, hellish letters: Lily—and that was all. It was a shriek in the distance, a horrific nightmare, the devil in audible form. The dastardly temptress' flowing tresses, her black reaper's gown, the wanton smirk spread across her gorgeously pallid face, and those eyes—the enrapturing doom—oh how they taunted him!—how they mocked him with glee! A saint, he thought of her at a time. The archangel of all that is holy and good, he had envisioned her as. Let there be mercy upon this poor soul, this weeping, pulverized man. But forevermore would she be there, the apparition of the hollow, in the crevices of his mind.

The words, two words; entities which he had always repeated, for he knew no other thing to say, had been spoken. "Love me," and that was all. His world faded; black atop black, the crepuscular chill surging through his yearning person.

* * *

How things had changed, just by him coming back in time to fix his follies, and those of others. His hand was on top of Lily's, holding it softly. They had no idea of what was to come, the obliviously love-infested fools.

* * *

Outside, elves were scampering across meadows of wildflowers. Their faces were pale, but they had rose colored cheeks. Most were blond, however a few had distinctly chestnut colored, wispy hair. One elf had been playing a silver pipe, whilst a group was dancing in a cheerful circle, singing tunes of merriment. Bees were bumbling about, taking sweet nectar from the fragrant flowers in the meadow. The sky was a pale blue, and thick cumulous clouds filled it. Sparrows appeared to be circling around the shining, yellow sun. Children were locked in their houses, mothers were washing clothing just outside the doors, and even fathers were not too far away from their homes. It was a fine stage for a bloodbath, these scampering elves, the untainted meadow; all of it beckoned to be corrupted in a single second.

The man came, his black cape billowing and his long hair flowing in the direction of the wind. He briskly whipped his wand out of his left dragon hide boot. With an apoplectic flick of his umber colored wand, blood began to soak the flowers of the field. The music had died, its last few notes played with melodic dystrophy. The tip of his wand was emitting grey smoke, and he blew it out in one cold breathe.

He walked through the lifeless field, elves beneath his feet, bones cracking in such a way that a "normal" person would have had chills running down their spines, and perhaps the debilitating feeling to vomit until the contents of their stomach was completely and utterly eradicated. Their thin, elf-sized, brown outfits were drenched in crimson liquid, thick and clotting. He reached an elf, farthest from where he had originally stood. Its face was battered, its clothes ripped open and its body placed in a crooked position—back strained upwards, his arms and legs both bent at inhuman angles. His eyes were still open, the pale purple, beauteous entities glazed over in shining tears. The body was surrounded by a pool of blood. The man bent over, and in a phial he collected the bloody, slowly letting it trickle down the sides of the glass.

"What a shame," he mumbled to absolutely no one. He spat at the ground.

He strutted into the forest, a crooked smile reminiscent of Voldemort's on his demented face. He was a soldier of evil, his uniform black and lacquered. His heart and emotions were unwavering and insusceptible. He jabbed his wand and the vermilion phial into his boot. _'It's time for the real fun to begin,' _had been his last thought, before all was consumed by the sound of silence.

One…two…sixty seconds later birds wings flapped horrifically as they flew away from the trees, deer stampeded out of the thick shrubbery and the metallic scent of death was permeating from the trees, staining the ground and floating into the small village nearby.

The sky turned grey, the clouds covered the previously shining sun. The world seemed to become darker, colder, more encompassed by the same evil that was hidden in an iced over cave with carcasses rotting on the ground. A thin river of blood had formed, spanning the length of the forest. It was just the beginning.

* * *

Hours before, Lily and Severus had walked through the meadow, enjoying the sounds emitted from the pipe. Lily wore a striped dress and a sunhat. Severus wore a pair of dark trousers and a black t-shirt. Some things would never change.

"It's a beautiful day!" Lily exclaimed, as if she hadn't witnessed a more splendid day in her time on this Earth. She twirled several times in a circle, her feet kicking up dirt, and her dress lifted up, revealing part of her—Severus couldn't believe his eyes!—Slytherin green knickers. Severus gulped. That woman was something else, something inhuman. She was too provocative, but too innocent at the same time to be human. Would calling her an angel be possible? She wasn't quite…angelic; she was too much of a vixen. It was slowly becoming apparent to Severus that he had begun to truly wither away into a love sick fool.

The half hours had passed—or had it been longer? They couldn't tell: Time had seemed to become irrelevant as they danced through the quaint village of magical creatures and unobtrusive villagers.

They sat at the shore of a pond; its façade glistened in the mid-afternoon sun. Charcoal black water bugs hopped from molecule of water to molecule of water. Locusts were buzzing irksomely, but there was still the music of the elves twittering far away—both heard one another's names in the Aeolian tune; _"Lily," Severus"._ Both were a faint whisper—a sign of the ludicrous daze they had fallen into. And yet, it was riveting—enchanting, but…poignant in a preposterous sense.

Lily sat to Severus' left side, her hip and shoulder pressed directly onto his. The side of her head lied against his. The sun was barely setting. What had they done that day? It was grand, but all done in a misty, love manifested haze. They recalled a few hours before, recounting the happenings of the day.

Lily had guided him to the small market, which she had discovered on her own audacious account. The market held a stocky man on a tan wooden crate, yelling over the crowd of people about the day's "promising" offerings—a pound of fresh caught and cleaned sea bass for just over three sickles, day old bread, supposedly great for making bread pudding with, green squashes and cucumbers all for sale, but none of it had mattered to neither Severus nor Lily.

There was a woman who looked much like Molly Weasely selling fresh baked cakes and desserts at a stand. She spoke in a thick Scottish accent. "Cakes for sale! All the sweets you could ever eat!" But if that were true, Honeydukes would have been long out of business. On the stand cakes frosted in white and sprinkled with chocolate shaving had been arranged in rows, like an army of sweet confections, all standing still, waiting to be consumed and digested.

Severus purchased the small cake; it was about three centimeters in diameter. Its blackberry filling was oozing out of it in the most delectable fashion. It was given to him with a wide grin spread across the woman's plump, rose-tinted face and was placed in a brown paper napkin. "They're you go young lad." He detested to be called young—deplored the word "young" with a fiery, devious and devastating passion, he did. He considered rudely telling her that he was not young, and that her assessment of his age was incorrect. It was then that he reminded himself that he was still in an eighteen year old man's body. He sighed inwardly, before facing Lily who was ogling the square. She had walked a few meters away from him, and was now standing in the middle of the crowd.

"Here, I bought this for you," he said when he reached her. "You look like you're going to faint," he said callously when she didn't take it. She took it out of his hand, though irately. "If the next words I hear out of your mouth have anything to do with 'I can't eat this,' or 'I'll get fat,' I swear I won't converse with you for the rest of this trip." He turned away from her. _"I think you're too beautiful to be worried about weight gain," _he uttered beneath his had heard those last few words, blushed and then decided that she would mention a single thing.

They reached a park, if it could be called that. It was more so a grassy land with a maple tree smack dab in the middle of it. From a bistre colored branch hung a tire swing. Lily sat against the base of the tree, and Severus followed. They took turns feeding each other the minute, albeit sinfully delectable cake.

"Oh, I believe you have some left there," Lily began, "let me…get that for you." She leaned into him before he had a chance to react. She liked the crumb of cake of his lip before kissing him with unrestrained force and fervor. A low guttural noise escaped from Severus' throat, though he had been trying to hold it in. Lily pushed him into further against the tree. His hand began to creep down her side…

"Daddy, why are you kissing the lady?!" Emma whined from behind a bush.

Severus harshly pushed Lily off of him; she landed on her back, one hand beneath her butt and the other on the back of her head. Lily could not believe what she had been hearing. A small child had called Severus—her Severus, _"daddy"_. She started to feel sick. What was happening? She need to hide behind another tree, yards away, and expel the contents of her stomach.

The brown haired, brown eyed girl walked out from behind the leafy bush where she had once hid. Severus had begun to go red in the face—nay it was closer to the distinct shade of puce that Vernon Dursely had religiously developed when he had gotten into a rage like no other. Neither Emma nor Lily had seen Severus be any color other than sallow, pale or sickly pale (and perhaps the slightest iota of pink) in the time that they had known him. The world could have been ending and neither of them would have known it, for this an enormity far too cataclysmic.

"EMMA!" Severus bellowed in a now crackling, demented bass. His voice had lost its sonorous quality. It turned sub-human—no, not even that—it had turned to a voice that could have been taken as the voice of a creature, twenty meters tall, with lethal teeth and a mordant disposition more incalculable than that of Snape's.

Emma's face first turned red, and then the change had been followed by a well of tears and a cacophony of shrieks coming from her tiny mouth. Severus lifted himself from the ground and sprinted towards Emma who had begun to run away in fear, but her legs had not been long enough to out run Severus. Mid-sprint, he picked her up and brought her into a fierce, hopefully apologetic and forgiving hug. He sincerely apologized to her and asked her how she had gotten here.

After wiping away her tears she said, "Grandpa Albus gave me the port-thing and said that I would see daddy if I looked for him enough, and…" she took a note out of the pocket of her purple blazer, "to give you this!"

Severus snatched the note from her hand and stuffed it into his pocket, stowing it away for later. _"Ruddy mastermind can't give me a warning. I swear I'll die of a premature heart attack before I finish this mission because of him!" _

Lily had come up to them with consternation. Her heart was in her throat, beating rapidly. No. Yes. No. It couldn't be. This wasn't Severus' child. It looked nothing like him—yes, nothing like him at all. _"Calm down. Breathe. There must be a reason why he didn't tell you, Lily. Breathe. One, two three, in and out. Yes, that's it. He wouldn't keep secrets from you, not secrets like these. Would he? Why is he holding her like that? Holding her…so…lovingly? Just breathe. You won't be able to ask him, unless you don't breathe." _They were choked breaths which came from Lily—a struggle, each one of them as they were, she attempted to fully cognize the girl and her…she couldn't say it—_father_, no "daddy". Daddy—a verbal poison, corrosive, burning, hotter than a furnace, in Lily's ears. Were those tears on her eyelashes?

"Sev?" not a statement any longer, of who he was, but a question if he still was. "Sev?" but he did not hear her. "Sev!" yet all he saw was the small girl in front of him, wearing a white dress. "SEV!" There was a rapt pounding—it couldn't be her heart. Hearts did not beat that stridently. The piercing pounding became vociferous shrieks, the shrieks became prophetic messages, and the messages became satanic words. The words became nothing, but deafness—pure silence. The silence then became stark blackness. It became darker, more terrifying, and infinitely, enormously abysmal.

Lily was standing stiller than an ice covered statue in the middle of the coldest winter night. It had been her demented imagination—only that. She let out a deep breathe. The girl was still there. She could deal with this, one measly step at a time. "Sev?" she whispered, a caress in her melodic voice, her green eyes wide and shining in the sun and her lips perfectly rosy-pink.

Severus faced Emma, then Lily, Emma, Lily, et cetera. Of all the moments this was to happen, it had to happen then. Just fine and dandy it was! His luck was that of betting heads on a doubly-tail sided sickle. He looked down at Emma. Curiosity struck her, and the innocence within her had possessed her to ask, "Is she going to be my mummy?" It was those seven words that had triggered something within both Severus and Lily. Ricocheting prolific and prophetic thoughts sped through them.

It was afterwards that Severus set the portkey to return Emma to Hogwarts within an hour. In that time, Lily introduced Emma to the glorious object dubbed the swing, one of which had made Emma giggle and smile more than she ever had before. Severus watched Lily and Emma frolic through the fields—frolic!—yes, frolic was a words in Severus' vocabulary. An iota that lasted a millisecond had made him ponder whether or not this could work, and for another millisecond he thought that it could. His thin lips were curled into a smile, and his black eyes shown warmly; so warmly that they appeared to be a deep shade of cozy brown, rather than black.

Emma had left, feeling as if she had been sucked into a great vortex. Reality crashed down upon them both. The forest was quite, its disquieting soundlessness tarrying far too long. Lily gazed up at him, her mouth ajar, and her eyebrows inquiring.

Before she let out a single peep, he told her a white-lie, as he called it. He told her of a story where his distant cousins had died in a car crash, and left was a small child (Emma), who had been placed in his care, as he was both of age and more fit to be a parent than his own father. Emma, suppressing her memories of what had happened, had taken to calling him her "daddy". At first, he had been opposed, bitterly so, but in time, with the deceiving encouragement of Albus, he had adapted to the child and learned to...care for her.

Lily had quietly accepted this. They traveled to the inn, both smelling the scent of blood and one of them foolishly assuming that its saturated scent had come from the marketplace. Before they entered their room, the inquisition, _"Is she going to be my mummy one day?" _had resounded in their heads. They looked at each other with piety and covetousness, lust, unfragmented, purely white wanting for one another.

* * *

That night neither Severus nor Lily slept. Just before the stroke of midnight Severus had been greeted with his sultry, tempting surprise—one that had been the haunt of his dreams for the longest time. One kiss, two, three, a dozen and Severus and Lily were both lost. Human on human, skin on skin, sweat dripping, love being formed, made, the love each other shared being finally brought together and combined in a single night, in a minute, which lasted an hour. It seemed to be infinite, the times they had declared their love for each other.

He held her, her body in his strong arms, close to him. In the middle of the night beauteous entities had happened. Erotic, euphoric, blissful—but completely and utterly indescribable by human words, the act that they had done. There are many names for this act, most of them meaningless, uncouth, vulgar, but this time, one name had wrung true, wrung melodically: Severus and Lily had made love. But it wasn't that simple—not so easily said, nor done. It was a night that they had both imagined for so long, but Snape had imagined it for much, much longer. Had he planned it: It perhaps would have involved candles on a stormy night; however, this night had somehow been…the flawless moment for the act. He continued holding her, as if it would be the last time he ever would.

The doe bracelet he had carved for her so many years ago had still been on his ankle. He carefully slipped it off, and he then tied it onto Lily's dainty wrist. He kissed the back of her head, to which Lily let out a petite sound of pleasure. She opened her eyes, and saw the bracelet on her wrist. "I made it for you a long time ago," he told her.

"Never leave me. Never."

"I won't be leaving," he had carefully whispered. He would not be the one to leave—that was certain.

* * *

A/N: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. However, I did make it lengthy for you, so I do hope that it makes up for the lateness. Saint Snape, I do hope that I have given you a worthy chapter. ExcessivelyPerky, the Emma scene was for you. All you other people who gave me review are amazing and you fuel my writing.


	35. Chapter XXXV

XXXV

In the middle of the night was when everything had boiled over. Severus' stomach was churning. The feeling within him was wretched—like petite, but numerous ulcers were forming on the surface of his stomach, and continuously spreading. This couldn't be—no certainly not. It was all a nightmare, he had told himself, once, twice, but it was not doing anything to benefit him. He was not some oblivious fool! He was a man who was inclined to believe the truth, and to deny all falsities he would dismally and desperately attempt to believe. He starred at the white back of the door, a coat hanger gruesomely nailed to it. An inch of termite infested wood was the only thing separating him from the nightmare that had taken place only minutes before.

First, had come the letter, the parchment unbelievably yellowed from the sun, and the writing quickly, mostly likely frantically had been scribbled on it. But one fact remained: The writing was absolutely Albus Dumbledore's, and it had meant grave danger, and Severus had known it without ever reading it. Three words, five syllables—a short message it was. _You're being followed._ There was no indication of who, what, where, when or why. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, his skin began to prickle. Impulsively, he would have run, far away, as quickly as he could. The woman next to him had prevented him from performing the tactical departure. Yet, in his plaid boxers and a black t-shirt, he hopped out of bed, and bare-footed, he ran out of the room, silently shutting the door behind him. He would make up a story—yes! That is exactly what he would do. He would tell a sordid tale to Lily, one where his father had fallen ill as a result of a lethal contamination from his work, for half the place had been infested with pathogens of all kinds. Then, they would return to Cokeworth and he would maneuver through the dangers that lied ahead.

In the hallway, he stood there looking left and right, before running down the steps as quickly as his long, pale legs could glide silently across the burgundy, royally embellished carpeting. Not even three steps down, he felt something grab his left arm, clutch it with immense strength, and dig its pointed nails into his thin skin. He began to be dragged upwards. With a profound kick, Severus pushed himself off the step and had flung himself in the air, flipping over his assailant, whom he didn't have a time to view. Impressively, he had made it to the other side of the man. The man's arm was twisted behind his back and Severus held it there, the veins in the man's arm popping out and purpling. Whipping the wand out of his boxers (he never left without it, as it had been his favorite defense mechanism) he pushed it to the man's slightly tanned neck. He forced the man unto the wall, and trapped him there, a curdling rasp escaping his mouth.

"Severus is this how you greet an old friend?" intoned the blond haired, arrogantly disposed, and most certainly, insanely minded Lucius Malfoy.

"You should consider this a warm welcome, _Malfoy_," Snape sneered, who still had Malfoy trapped under his thumb like a measly moth, with its wings fluttering for mercy. Do not mistake this for an act of anger or enmity. It was banters like these that proved their hostile friendship.

The aged innkeeper had somehow silently waddled up to Severus, and her wand was jabbed in his back, precisely the middle of his spine. He let out no sound of terror, nor and inflicted gasp.

"Imperioused?" Severus queried, though he had not been surprised in the least.

"What else would you expect?"

Severus glanced at the woman behind him, then at Lucius. He would deal with the innkeeper later, he had decided. Then, his arm had betrayed him!—betrayed him, for it was fueled by the fury toiling within his being. He took the innkeeper by the arm, and flung her, rather easily unto the way. Her head hit the wall, a mark of blood staining its once ivory sheen. Her head was hung, and she out cold. She would not be a bother to Severus any longer.

"So, Snape the innocent man has finally revealed has dark side, eh? Is that how this is going to be, Severus? Still playing games, are we?" Even smashed against a wall, with an arm behind him and his wand out of reach, Lucius Malfoy could be as arrogant as ever.

Severus noticed in a defining moment that Malfoy had looked different, aged, more fragile—changed; like a child who had been emotionally modified and marred. His grey eyes were just that—grey, abysmal, detached; much like the eyes Severus had possessed. Dark circles now surrounded them, purpling and puffy. His blond hair was now straw, bleak and breakable.

He loosened his grip on Lucius slightly, before he let him go completely. The blond man whipped around to face Severus, grey eyes against stark ebony. Lucius smiled a crooked, wide grin, his pearly white teeth clearly on display. For the longest time it seemed as if their conversation would be silence; tickling, irritating silence.

Lucius' hand gripped Severus's arm and he twisted it, expecting that Severus would fall to the ground in pain. He could have sworn that he heard something break in Severus' arm, but Severus remained still. It was then that he felt the feeling of someone deep in his mind breaking away from him. Lucius looked down at his arm, now completely free of legilimens and saw that his right arm was bruised and battered.

It was a tradition, this infliction of pain upon one another. When Snape had been younger, though, it had been the other way around: He had been the one to be left with the pain of broken bones, and the stains of blood. A feeling of spite was evoked from Lucius, and it was shown upon his deeply contorted face. Attempting to hide this emotion, he cleared his throat.

"I'm here to tell you that the meeting will take place the night after next."

"Very well…and if that is all, I suggest you leave. It's best if we do not wake the other…guests," his voice was detached and monotonous. He turned, but Lucius stopped him from walking any further, for he had remembered something…futile.

"Severus, Avery knows you secrets…He's hinted at it—but more so, he is hinting that he will tell them to the Dark Lord if you should happen to step out of line. You are a…Half Blood, but I do know wish to see you fall. Frankly, you have more worth to the Dark Lord than Avery will ever have, but if he botches everything for you, you will have more to deal with than I wish to see."

"Thank you…" he said unconcernedly. He sighed as he traipsed away, back to his room, back to the soft bed (hopefully still warm), but also back to Lily. _"One step at a time"_, he told himself. _"One grueling step, lurch from it to the next and hope that you don't double back in despair. You're not a coward now, are you? You can do this one more time. What's one more scar—one more perpetual, defacing, belittling scar?"_

He opened the door and closed it silently, breathing in the thick, spiced air of the hotel room. Lily's scent had overtaken it in the several short days that they had spent in the room. Though the room was stark, he could see Lily's eternal glow through the bed sheets, lightening his darkened world. She shuffled, unsettled from a vespertine haunting, moaning in dread, and then she bolted up, screaming, kicking at the covers, "SEVERUS!" His name convolutedly shrieked. She looked up at him, he who was standing rigidly with a black aura surrounding his pale, but darkened body. She collapsed into tears, her arms stretched toward him. "Please," she exhaled. He indecisively stood for a moment, before he took her into his arms and held to her, to keep her from drifting into the same darkness he was consumed by.

He comforted to the best of his ability, kissing her clavicle, then down to her suprasternal notch. "I'm here Lily, I'm here. I'm not leaving." She gripped onto him tighter, one leg swung around him and both of her arms around his neck. Her skin prickled at his butterfly kisses.

"Don't leave," she requested, nay demanded. "Don't leave." It was choked and broken. "I won't be able to go on if you leave."

Where had this been coming from?—he wondered. What had her nightmare been about? He wished he could take that memory away from her, without leaving a cloud of black smoke in her mind.

Once calm she lied down, her face snuggled comfortingly in his chest and listening to his heartbeat. Severus further lulled her into sleep with his hand, stroking the small of her back. It was astounding how her one problem could make him forget his; moreover, how he would move to fix her problem instead of fix his own, more urgently pressing problems.

He did not sleep the rest of the night, even if Lily was in his arms, her chest rising up and falling with every sweet breath. "Lily," he whispered. No answer. "I'm sorry." If he had the tears to cry, he would have. Even they were exhausted. "I could never apologize enough to you for what I am about to do." He paused for a second, considering if he had been out of his mind—risking the fact that Lily could have heard any one of these clouded, broad words. "But I will never stop loving you." He held her for the rest of the night, his inscrutably bottomless eyes almost always open.

* * *

The world laid in shambles, stone against broken stone, the clouds no longer wispy and the Earth's aura no longer enriching the need to continue life—life the most important thing known to this world.

The only two people left in the world had previously been a ludicrous expression; an expression that people had used, jinxing themselves trillions of times over. Severus and Lily were the only two people left, or so they had thought. Continue the line, reproduce, be Adam and Eve. That was there mission. Fate had written it, and so Fate would have its way. Or so it seemed to be that way. There was a detrimental pounding in the Earth's carbon crust. Cracks were erupting from every which way, and Lily ran. She could no longer feel her heart pound, but instead felt the sweat drip down her and her veins pulsate her hot blood traveled through her ever-freezing body.

She wore a white dress that flowed with her and her every movement. Her rubicund hair bounced as she ran, her steps never faltering. The muscles within her contracted. She was nearly to give up. Her eyes closed, her breath hitched.

When she opened her eyes, she was in a rich forest, where fruit grew plentifully and were the most awing birds sang melodies that Beethoven and Mozart would have been desirous to. This fertile land, made her smile. It smelled of whiskey and cinnamon, parchment and musk—Severus, the place smelled of him. Then, she realized that a pair of bare arms was around her, arms so pale that violet veins could be seen beneath the porcelain skin. She was clutching onto the white shirt of a man who smelled like Severus. It was then that she realized that she and Severus were together in this place. Where were they? God knew.

She looked up to his smiling face, his eyes bright and warm. "There's no need to worry, Love," he told her. He bent down and captured her, captured her love, her soul—the things she was completely willing to give him, as he had given them to her, as she had loved him more than an ocean loved the horizon. She faced the sky, and saw the beginnings of an apple tree, its red fruit taunting her. She looked to her dark lover, and looked to the sky. Bliss was what came, and bliss was what she was left with. It felt as if she had entered a deep crypt once more as euphoric ecstasy had overtaken her last sane thought: _'I could never manage to think of an alternative perfection'_. Cries of pleasure could be heard as harmonically as the songbirds sang.

Once again she was greeted by a new scene, one as equally pleasant. She felt swollen and prophetic, perfect and content, loved and wanted. Heat engorged her as she sat on a bed of the greenest grass, her legs tangled around Severus. Across from her was a lake, redolent of the one at Spinner's End, though cleaner. Orange carnation petals were scattered on the Earth's floor, perfuming the land and intoxicating the senses.

Severus' hand was fixed on her belly, as were his lustrous eyes and coveted smile. It was then that the shock of her rounded abdomen had hit her, and then almost simultaneously was passed off as something completely ordinary. She put her hand on top of his. "You look so beautiful like this," he complemented.

"I love you," she barely uttered.

"As I you."

Once more, the world had shattered and recreated itself in a single instant. Once more, she was in a world that was destroyed and helpless. It drained her happiness form her. She held her son to her as she looked in every direction she could. She felt slung and useless. "Severus!" she yelled. "Help me!" She nearly tripped over a fallen tree. She stopped; she could no longer traverse this dilapidated land. Most trees were fallen, and the dirt ground was frozen. Her breath came out as white puffs of evaporation and instead of warming herself, she warmed her child.

She closed her eyes to focus for a moment, and when they opened Severus was in front of her once more. His face was marred and bleeding heavily. One of his eyes was closed, and his clothing was charred and torn. He looked much older, though she knew that only a year had passed.

"There a town, a town with people three miles away, Lily. Go there."

"Come with me then."

"I can't. I don't have the strength to."

"I'll carry you then."

"You have to carry our son."

She was torn, torn between the two people she loved. "I can't leave you like this, Severus. I'll die without you."

"You're strong—the strongest person I ever knew. You will make it there, and you will find happiness." He pulled her toward him, kissing her for a time that was too short. She face was now stained in his blood, and the char that was once on his clothes. "I'll follow you. . .if I can."

"Severus, please." He pushed Lily away from him, and she went in the direction he sent her. A part of her failed to feel the way it once felt. She then noticed that her son look much like Severus. Tears of dismal joy filled the brims of her eyes. In the light of the fire in the middle of a city, she felt herself descend, and then once her consciousness was eradicated, she collapsed onto the floor, all the while screaming Severus with her last drops of energy. The last things she heard were Severus shrieks, and the warbling of her son's cries.

* * *

She woke, and for a brief time her eyes stayed open. Severus was next to her, his eyes closed, though he was not sleeping. She heard a faint melody in the distance, the sultry voice of the girl who had sang as they came into this town.

Take one piece of me,

For every time I cry,

Take one arm,

For every time I want to die,

Take all of me,

Because I have all of you. . .

For every time she wished she had the words to say to him, she always found it in the songs she heard while she was with him. Sometimes, she wished that so many of the words she had thought to say had not gone unspoken. It was the yearning to convey her heart's desires to him that tore at her. When would she find the time to truly keep him? If she could simply tear out her heart, and hand it to him in a beauteous vile, she would.

Severus eyes opened once hers closed. He blinked a few times, and then stared at the back of her head. He did not think of her: He thought of Lucius and Regulus, Dumbledore and Voldemort. He was withering away in this mind-game. What was he thinking when he had come back to change the world? He had taunted so many Gryffindors for their head-strong choices, and bleeding hearts. He was no better, no more intelligent. He despised his choices once more. He would continue to wonder if he would lose Lily, and if he would, would she come back to him?

He was poisoned by his thoughts and was dying slowly, as all humans were. Suddenly, being with Lily had seemed a terrible idea to him, equally stunning and impeccable, but also vexing and catastrophic. Somewhere down the long winding pathway was a catalyst, waiting to trigger a poignant Armageddon. Controversially, he felt composed. It was this that would worry him at a much later time—his ability to feel wondrous in cynically morbid events. He left his thoughts saturated in pessimism, and his body in tranquility. Was he throwing his time away doing this all? An idiotic grin was on his face, though his eyes clearly showed the coldness which had further overtaken his darkening heart.

Lucius stood outside of the inn's entrance, thinking of whether Severus' loyalty would remain intact. Of course, Severus had always been a shifty person, but he was strongly confident in the fact that Severus acted the way he did in order to protect himself, just as a true Slytherin always should. Leaving the inn, he traveled back to Voldemort, a plan in his devious mind, and valuable information to be conveyed.

* * *

A/N: I apologize a thousand times over for the lateness of this. My personal affairs had overtaken my time to post chapters, but more so my ability to write any substantial sentence. I hope you forgive me. I will try to post as soon as possible. Thank you for those who have stuck with me.

_E.S. Grey


	36. Chapter XXXVI

XXXVI

It's simple, really, to let your soul unfurl and then let it go completely, to ignore its whines and walk away. It's even simpler to cut your heart out with the dullest knife, and then let it pump its last gallon of blood, before you wilt away with it. But perhaps, it is the easiest to just lie on the sullied floor, stare at a blank ceiling and do nothing of importance to the world. Wither away like a cherry blossom in inclement weather, and then let life leave as it always does, for it is inevitable. Yet, ineffably, Severus had not chosen to do any one of these thing truly. It was his cynically inclined mind that had made him believe that he was a worse than a bloodied murder of twelve hundred, and that he was beyond the protection of the light he seeked so.

A lone man, he was, walking through a street filled with stone buildings as old as Merlin. Severus walked in through the large crack in the wall, one that only appeared for the Dark Lord's followers. A brick-built quill shop was across the cobbled street, and there was a dim street lamp the other side of a small cottage, which was no too far from the crack. He sighed as he entered, feeling as if he had been covered by a great veil. Once in, he saw the meeting taking place, Regulus sitting silently across from Lucius and both Rosier and Avery looking at him smugly.

Once again, he was at the long table so loathed. The Dark Lord was at the head and Severus at his side. Severus wasn't specifically listening to the words that were being said, but rather he decoded them and took what was in between the words into account. Another attack, more deaths—those were the things that were spoken with pride.

"Tonight, we gather here with a plan, a plan to strike once more," began the Dark Lord, who looked paler and more horrendous than usual. His red eyes glowed with malice and egoism, his nostrils were flared, and his tongue was writing cynical ballades with its every flick.

"I believe that Lucius and Severus are well-acquainted with this putrid village, and as such, they will once again be the heads of this mission—a mission of utmost purity." There he went again, the predictable commander—always speaking the same binge, always tricking the same foolish minds into further playing the pawns in his game of deceit. A recipe for disaster, though it was, had managed to avoid all unfortunate circumstances in this rather incorporeal game of his.

"The town's name, unfortunately has been lost long ago, and is in disuse to those old enough to remember. It is located thirty seven kilometers west from here, and is hidden by a thick forest infested with magical creatures of all kind—some of which could benefit us profoundly."

Severus' focus wandered (but he still listened pensively to the speaking of the Dark Lord), as he had taken the time to . . . appreciate the dismal scenery of the dimly lit alcove in which he was sitting. A single sconce, holding two weak, diffuse, ecru wax candles lit a small portion of the room's vastness. A basin-like fountain was just on the other side of the room, and his position provided an enchanting view of its icy beauty. It was made of emerald-colored glass which shone like the sun through patchy clouds, and the water filling it shimmered in the same shade of green as the fountain. Beyond the crack, (which served as an entrance) started no decoration, nor bravura-display of wealth. It was simply made of gneiss that absorbed most of the light in the area. However, the table which the followers were seated was obscenely ornate, with carvings of Veelas, and dragons, nymphs and cupids. The table was made of rich mahogany and lacquered in a way that did not diminish the grain of the lavish wood. The chairs they sat in were much the same, and un-cushioned.

His attention snapped back without hesitance the moment the Dark Lord's voice snapped louder than a whiplash, speaking with an indifferent coldness that was strong enough to make the skin on Severus' arm fill with tiny goosebumps.

"Understand that, though some of you show mercy, there is to be not a single survivor left. Do not bring whimpering filth to my feet. Be they wealthy, or poor, powerful or weak—they must die."

'_Lily,'_ the voice in his head whispered, '_Lily, Lily, Lily!'_ and expounded with intensity. He had to warn her—he had to save her. Would she listen? Damn fate three times over: He had no time left. It came down to this single, essential moment—a moment where he would most certainly lose everything he had, or gain everything he didn't.

Then, an even louder voice reverberated within him—_'Dumbledore, Dumbledore'._ He had to warn the damned puppeteer, tell him of this murderous information, and pray that he could reach Lily in record time, for if he didn't. . . He wouldn't even imagine such an occurrence: A pit had begun to form in his already churning stomach.

"I expect you to strike within the hour. Plan quickly." The Dark Lord looked to Severus, smiling connivingly, and a flicker of—was it even conceivable?—pride danced in his eyes like a devil amongst scalding flames. "But before you leave, I must bestow upon Severus the well-deserved honor of the Dark Mark."

'_Can they hear me gulping like the coward I refuse to say I am? Do they see the fear in my occluded façade? Are they aware of the fact that I'm concealing that my veins feel as if they are flowing with acid and that I feel like I'm shaking like a leaf in the fall, ascending and descending through the sky from a bitter wind which has taken me so? Why are they smiling like harlequins? If Lily knew, if Lily was, if Lily—if nothing: She will never see this. She'll be off prancing in the meadow with someone worthy of her, and I'll be the puppet, evermore being lurched by the tightest strings. Oh, Lily I'm sorry for what's about to happen.'_

Severus knew the process very well (he could still remember the first time he had taken it). He was in inner anguish as he reminisced of the day—a day that would soon be repeated. It was a moment that would forever live in infamy in his unfortunately extensive memory.

_If it had been cold, Severus didn't feel it, for he was too focused on the grandeur of the event taking place. As a follower of the Dark Lord, so willing, so inclined that this would build him up from the ashes, he had put his train of thought into the serpentine villain sitting in his throne. He kneeled, silently, hoping above all that his breathing couldn't be heard. Did he look pitiful, and if so, how pitiful did he look? This was all he had wondered. Stretching his arm out with immodesty, he took the Dark Mark, the Dark Lord's wand firmly pressed onto the skin of his left arm. He remembered smiling like an idiocentric twit, bound for doom because of his self-destruction. _

He was kneeling on the floor. How he had gotten there, he had no clue, but he knew that his legs had done the crime and that he was soon to be in utter loathing and pain. There was a sharp ringing in his ears and a voice, a woman's voice who told him to turn away and flee, flee like a hero, not a coward. Consumed as he was by this overbearing prophet, he outstretched his arm; all the while suppressing the grimace his face was so badly yearning to form. Every ounce of him screamed in defiance, but he held firmer than a platinum statue. Fading in and out of him was strength, that which he cherished so. Voldemort picked up his left arm; it was the only sound that could be heard in silence of the cavernous lair. His muscles were tense, but the Lord did not seem to care, as he had continued to proceed. With a sharp flick of his wand, Severus' black sleeve was unbuttoned, its atramentous buttons flinging all about. His pale skin acquired a dark glow, and now sallower than ever, it looked like the skin of a newly dead man, cold and grim.

He heard Lily speaking to him in his head, things she had said before, things he had thought were rolling through her mind, but had gone unsaid. _"You're back. You're finally back. You're better than that. I worry about you. I love you. Are you still with them? Do you behave only when I'm around? Do you really love me; do you truly love me with all of you as it seems you do?" _

"_I love you. I love you. I love you, I love you." _It continued on like the pouring rain, and just like rain it had to fall, until there was no more substance to run on. But when the pouring amour left he could see her face as she watched him nearly die that one fateful night in front of Hagrid's cabin. Her beleaguered, rubicund face contorted with emotional agony beyond any extent he had thought possible. There were her emerald eyes, swollen from the tears which dripped from her eyes like a cruel tempest. There she was kissing him as he held on to the last vestiges of his dismal, diminutive life. Like only a tyrant could do, his recollection was snatched away from him and torn piece by piece, than lit aflame and lastly, for good measure, blown away with painstaking leisureliness, such that made his insides spasm continually, until he felt worn, like the leather of a pair of broken-in work boots.

Masochistically jabbed into his arm was the Dark Lord's phoenix core wand. _"The worst is the wait for it to come." _Severus reminded himself, though he could not yield to the want to count the seconds that passed as days.

The spell that was cast was mute. Writhing in torment, Severus fell to the floor, yet a sadistic smile was spread across his gaunt, paling face. His heart was palpitating.

"Leave him," Lord Voldemort respired. "He will recuperate in due time." They apparated away as a group to the Malfoy Manor, departing in puffs of acerbic smoke.

Severus' eyes were plastered to the ceiling. He was hyperventilating and nearly seizing on the floor, his black irises rolling black until his eyes appeared white and vascular. The tintinnabulation of nonexistent bells was ringing in his ears softly, soothing the burning pain coursing through his veins as if they were pure acid on flesh. His muscles were clenching, and his teeth were bared. He thrashed from right to left, left to right until he was bursting with exhaustion. His mind began to decay, and so went with it the last vestiges of his once pleasant life, though brief it was. Reinstated was the impending doom which had been lingering not too far away for so long. How had he let it slip away so? Only now had it hit him with such barreling strength. Insubordinately, he further delved into the thoughts of what was to come in short. The result: Death, if not his, of those whom he had if not loved, grown to cherish and respect. The result: The same languish of his first life.

Physically, he felt atrophied—mentally, he was demeaning himself with his self-comments. Emotionally deplorable, and undeniably inhospitable as he was, he found the stability to shed a single oceanic, woe manifested tear.

He knew that he would be in this hell for longer than he had hoped. He stood up shakily, dusted himself off and trudged on, a cyborg with only a single program to guide him. He did not dare to look down at his arm: He was sure that if he did, he would keel over and be knocked unconscious by the impact. With a virtually inaudible 'pop', he apparated to the rest of the Death Eaters, thinking of nothing but that he must warn Dumbledore and get Lily out of the village as soon as possible.

The choice was between time for him, or giving the Death Eaters a terrible strategy. Looking down at the map carved in suede, he mulled over the numerous possibilities and outcomes. His heart thumping like a jackrabbit's, he turned away from the map looking pensive with the back of his hand on the underside of his chin. The Death Eater's eyes spoke to him, questioning him, all of them asking a single inquisition: "What do we do?" Time, strategy, strategy or time—which to risk?—what was the right choice?

* * *

He whipped around quickly, his finger hitting the map sharply. "Avery's fleet will walk through the forests from the South. Divide and conquer, I don't care which person does what as long as it gets done. Rosier take Mulciber along with you: Enter from the East, and place by place, search for what we're looking for." Many gave him a quizzical glance. "They know what to find, if any one dares to question me you'll be unincluded in tonight's…_festivities_, but moreover, you'll have to face the Dark Lord's…displeasure." His stoic lips curled into a nauseating smirk. "Lucius, you have your own plan, I'm sure. Do what you must." He turned to Regulus and simply nodded. Regulus took off on his own, his hands held behind his back, and his black robes inveigling him. A shriek sounded, and he was gone.

"And what about you?" Avery audaciously probed.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" His voice was bathed in acrimony. Standing up and trudging away from the cult, he took his cloak off of the chintz footstool and apparated with a flourish.

Out in the middle of a steamy forest he casted his Patronus, a silvery doe gracefully floating onto the twig and leaf floor. He installed a message within it, "They're attacking the city I'm vacationing in. Come quickly. Bring the Order. Lives are at stake." It took but seconds for the doe to disappear from view.

A soft crack sounded behind him: Severus turned sharply, his wand at ready. Leaning against a short, leafy oak tree was Lucius Malfoy, his arms at his sides, though his face seemed to show the determination within him. "They're departing for their destinations in ten minutes. The Dark Lord appeared and asked them about your plan. I left to find you on his orders."

"Whatever for?" he said nonchalantly.

"To inform you about my part of the mission." This peaked Severus' preciously narrow curiosity. Noticing his friend's shift in mood, Lucius continued. "Why The Dark Lord holds such…high esteem for these objects, I will never know, but he has his unquestionable reasons. Goyle nearly got killed for losing the cup already." At the mention of the cup, Severus knew it was the very cup he had given to Dumbledore for…safe keeping.

Lucius shuffled through the pockets of his outfit before holding in his hands—like he were holding the Holy Grail—a black, leather-bound book, which looked (though old) rather ordinary. Its pages were wrinkled in stained, and the book itself emitted a scent that reeked of suffering. Its mundane quality would have made most people scoff, and then move on with their uninteresting lives, but Severus had an epiphonic moment of a magnitude so large that if it were a material object he would have been crushed beneath its girth.

He had seen that book—witnessed it with unparalleled fear, for Tom Riddle had been arrived from its hellish pages of blood and bone, memory and suffering, and he had been resurrected; for how long, he didn't know, but he knew it had happened as a pain in his left arm had wrung for a pea-sized second in 1993. He now knew what that book was: It was a vile thing, something that should have never been made. It was a Horcrux, and with every gram within him, he would seize it in his very hands and give it promptly to Dumbledore. There was no other way, he was convinced.

"I must hide this, Severus. If I fail in doing so, I trust that you will take on the task."

"Of course,' he lied, though impercivably.

"I will see you soon." With a nod, Lucius disappeared into the humid air of the spring night.

With the speed of a peregrine, Severus ran through the forest. He knew that he could not apparated to the Inn, or anywhere near the inn. There were too many charms set upon the thrice damning place. He had to get Lily out of the village, to get her safely to Hogwarts, but most vitally, to get her somewhere _alive_.

Was she safe now? Had she left their room? These were all questions that Severus would have the answers to within minutes, seconds even. But seconds are the difference between life and death, and if he was too late…He too would die, surely.

If it weren't for the migraine-esque pain splitting his forehead, he would have kept running. A thick root had tripped him, and he was now wallowing on the musky forest floor. Looking up at the sky, he only saw the blackness of space. It was starless and hopeless. An eerie, hope instilling voice rang through his head—it was Dumbledore. _'I'm coming Severus. Stall them if you can.'_

Golden fairies danced around Severus in a circle, holding one another's tiny hands. His strength burgeoned, as well as his ability to execute his utmost duties. What lay ahead for him, he had not the slightest idea. No matter the circumstance, he would pull through. Some would call it destiny. He called it utter idiocy. And so, he moved on into the shroud of the night, thinking of the payments which were just a kilometer away.

* * *

A/N: Woo!—another update. I know I'm taking long… If I say I'm busy one more time, I worry that you won't believe me. I hope you like it. The next chapter is…I won't reveal anything yet. Review, Follow, Favorite, if you did enjoy it.

-E.S. Grey


	37. Chapter XXXVII

XXXVII

His very heart had been burning; it was fire on coal, hot and provocative. If Severus had wanted to admit it, he would have said that he was scared out of his wits for what was about to come. What mere words could possibly convey the atrocity that he had committed? Telling Lily—telling Lily about this was ludicrous, rash, and imprudent. An impromptu speech would have to be made, that was certain. He couldn't find the sane words to convey to her. His entire vocabulary had slipped away from him as soon as he thought of what tale he would tell.

Submissively, he shoved the key into the door recklessly, and turned the knob ever so carefully and slowly. One deep breathe, two, three, fourteen—_'Don't hyperventilate!'_ The door creaked open; tears were already staining his eyes. He gripped his left forearm, grasped it with unfavorable malice. Oh how deplorable the pitiable marionette felt not. In scorning languish, he stood at the threshold. A fantasy passed through his head, one that would never happen:_ Lily was in his arms, in a white dress made of a silken fabric. There she was in his arms, and hers were around his neck. He stepped across the threshold. A new life began. _Standing at this abominable catastrophe, his life had been brought to an end. Everything he had worked so hard for, everything he had begun to love, all of it gone, faster than the time it takes to fall asleep, faster than the time it takes to die. He was alive, yes, but could it really be called 'life' when he felt as if he were rotting from the inside out, perishing and turning into cremation as he let time just stroll by?

Hearing his sniveling whimpers, Lily walked into to the doorway. She saw how horrid he looked. His face was gaunt, and his eyes seemed to be dead, void of the beauteous life they once valiantly held. She whimpered out his name, breaking down with him. A sharp pain in his chest inflicted him. Never had she looked more beautiful than at that moment, wearing a shimmering white nightgown, her wavy hair scattered every which way, her eyes glowing in the dead of night. She flushed for a moment, before he noticed the tears falling gracefully from her porcelain, china doll face. "Severus?" Lily could not believe that it was him standing at the doorway so disheveled and corpse-like.

Before they knew it, they were on their knees holding each other like one was a life saver and the other the oxygen needed to survive. If this was the last time he would see her, he swore that he would have her, have her as long as he could, as long as the world would let him. He captured her lips one last time, savoring the taste of her. She kissed back frivolously. They grabbed at each other, his hands rubbing the small of her back, and it dared to reach lower and grasp supple, voluptuous areas of her perfection. And she did her best not to drown in him, not to stop breathing in the midst of their kisses. His fingertips were caressing her, carving arduous poems into her. They had to separate; she put her head on his chest, inhaling his scent. Never had he smelled this strong, this full of iron and malice and innumerable things. But there was also the scent of his old self, fading slowly, and fading for the kindling to the fire was burning smaller.

Her facial features began to distort as she realized that something terrible had occurred—something that she had never wanted to happen. But she couldn't help but hope that some other unspeakable something had happened. "Please tell me that you were run over, that you were taken by centaurs. Tell me that you were out for a stroll in the dead of the night and were captured by a band of reckless, teenage wizards. Tell me that you fell into the sea and swam back just to find me. Speak to me of the tale where you jumped into a fairytale land and you were eaten by a dragon and spit back out into this world." She was hitting him across the chest as she spoke, her voice gravelly and unforgiving, but also full of seething wishes and derisive dreams. "Lie to me about how you were in search of the perfect emerald so it would match the color of my eyes. Twist your tongue when you tell me how you stepped into a fire, because it reminded you so much of my hair. Tell me that you fell into a coal mine because you were lost and desperately searching for me in the delusions that you thought were reality. Tell me Severus, God damn-it—tell me that you weren't immersing yourself in all out hell! Continue lying; just don't tell me the truth. Tell me how you were kidnapped by a murderer and fought for your life just so you could see me one last time. Tell me that you were good, and that you didn't betray me. Tell me that there isn't that mark on your skin. Please, please tell me that you aren't with _them_."

He kissed her sensuously one more time, because he had to do it. He was possessed by the devil, and he needed her to be possessed with him. She roughly pulled away from him after she had so willingly melted into those warm kisses of his. She tried to convince herself that she had felt nothing, nothing except acerbity and disgust, but no matter what she did, all she could feel was warmth tingling through her so defiantly. "Call me a Mudblood. Just say it Snape. Say it like you had in fifth year so we could sever this here and now. Show me what you have on your arm so I can walk away." She ripped off his cloak furiously, leaving it in pieces on the floor around them. She looked at the mark and froze. Her face drained of color. Severus' heart attempted to jump out of his chest, only to ricochet back in and shatter into innumerable, jagged pieces which proceeded to cut his chest cavity. "Shite! You—you filthy lair! You told me you wouldn't. You promised you weren't with going to be a part of the Death Eaters. I can't trust a dodgy Slytherin. 'Don't give him another chance, Lily' they said. 'He called you a Mudblood once Lily, he'll kill you the next time,' they told me. I trusted you! I trusted you Snape!"

Lily couldn't stand, she couldn't leave even if she wanted to. Overtaken by lithe, she began to pound her fists into his chest unrestrainedly. Even when she felt an arrhythmia in his chest, she did not cease fire. Her teeth were barred, her eyes aflame. She was gorgeously frightening. Severus could do nothing to stop her, for he knew he deserved every hit that came to him. The attack slowed down until her fists dropped to her sides, still clenched, but now bruised and clotted with vermillion blood. She looked to the floor, trying not to picture who they once were as the innocent children on Spinner's End, playing by the polluted lake, making fun of the daft bints that walked home tipsy. She was brushing the images of him laughing with sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks away from the face of her mind to no avail. "Why, Sev, why? Where did you go?" She slumped onto the floor, and he followed almost instantly.

He pulled her to him. She was too weak to push away from him. Some outer force had glued Lily to Severus, and helplessly she was unyielding. Her sobs and shrieks could be heard as the Death Eaters began to raid the village. But they were soon suppressed and disguised by other's cries, which blended in with hers and formed into a funeral march.

"I'm so sorry Lily."

"Apologies won't change what you did."

"Neither can you, Lily. You can't change me." He wanted to be able to look away from her, to tell himself that there was something else out there for him, but he knew his one and only was in his arms right now, and that she would be gone as soon as she stopped battling with herself.

"That's why I left you during fifth year. That's why I escaped our hell, Snape. You aren't the Sev I knew all those years ago. You're—you're just as bad as they all are."

"I don't need you tell me that, Lily."

"Don't use my name."

But he said her name anyway. He kept repeating it like a record with only one track. Then, she kissed him wildly, insanely. She poured whatever love she could into him, in hopes that it would empty her of the feelings she had left for him, though she did so without reward. All she was left with was the tortured feeling of infinity. Both their lips were bruised and bluing, but neither cared. They were sinking on a ship, and they would go down together if they had to. He bit her lip, and their tongues mingled once more.

"Tell me you hate me." Lily scathed.

"I love you," he breathed into her. "I love you more than the moon loves the night sky."

She pressed closer into him. "Do you love me enough to say goodbye?" She took his wand out of his boot, and jabbed it into his neck, her eyes bidding him adieu. "Do you love me enough to close your eyes?"

He pressed his eyes shut; closing them with such force that he was sure he would be blind if he chose to open them. He grimaced. "Do it: Kill me now to save us both the agony." He heard the echoes of her dropping his wand on the floor, or did she throw it? Her hand found its place on his chilly shoulder. Once more were their lips in each other's devastating company. Both were cracked and bleeding, but they ignored the iron flavoring, for the poignant joining was too much on its own.

Both knew that if they parted now, it would be to no avail. Just like waves keep crashing on a beach, their lips would keep crashing against each other, until they were nonexistent. They would have rather eaten each other alive than separated.

This was the first time that both felt that they needed each other to survive. It was not a cathartic need, nor an uncouth need. It was a mutual need for mental, physical and emotional sanity. It was the type of need that two people could share only when they had become one, when they functioned as one being. Lily poured her love into Severus, as Severus had poured his love into her. When he needily grabbed at her waste, she would respond by shoving her hands into his velvety atramentous hair, savoring it's feeling against her soft fingertips, and wanting nothing more than that same feeling to never leave them.

"I love you," he uttered once more.

"I loved who you were."

"If I told you that I was always the same person, would you believe me?"

"I wouldn't deny it."

"Will you leave?"

"When the morning comes," she promised him, but she also promised it to herself. She couldn't live on like this, live with a cloud on the overhang of her head.

He looked into her dreadfully beautiful eyes, and she looked into his fiery, revealing vortexes of ebony. "I'm doing this for you Lily; I'm doing all of this for you."

"I never wanted any of this Severus, I only wanted you." She was smiling, smiling out of the memory of them, of what was once the most beautifully unmarred thing she had known.

"Do you regret it Lily?"

She shook her head from side to side, "No, never. Do you?"

"How could I?"

Neither wanted too moved from the aged, pealing parquet. "They're attacking out there," he told her.

"I know. Are you supposed to be out there?"

"Yes, but I would rather die here with you. It's the only way I could die happily."

Tears formed in hear dry eyes once more. "Why do you act so evilly when you have such a warm, good heart?"

"That is only between one other person and I."

"I'll be fighting on the other side. I might have to kill you when the time comes."

"I would never stop you from it if you had to."

"Would you have to kill me Severus?"

"I would rather take the Dementor's Kiss."

"Isn't it ironic how life ends up?"

"No, it is just pitiful and depressing."

He stood up, and took Lily's hand. They sauntered to the window. Looking down below them they could see the entire village on fire. Bodies of blood and rags were stacked in piles on the floor. Severus held Lily when she tried to run and jump for the window.

"Is it wrong for me to still love you?" She asked him, because every sinew within her screaming body was telling her so raucously and flamboyantly that this was the rightest thing she had ever felt.

"Only if it's a sin for me to love you as much as I do, Lily." She had put her head on his chest and calculated formulas for ways that she could still be with him. _'Why not?'_ she had asked herself, _'there are people like us across the pages of ineffable history. Why can't we be together?' _When she closed her eyes the only answer she came up with was the absence of one.

Yet there was one fragment standing clear: Loving one another would lead to heartbreak, which would lead to hatred, which would result in a discretion so enigmatic that neither would be whole once more. It was what had happened to Severus the first time, though Lily had absolutely no awareness of it. She sighed into him, still calculating the ways they could be together, and still imagining the magnificent dream of being round with his child, and walking down an aisle in a room of white filled with orange carnations.

Out in the hallway, Regulus had come to get Severus. Severus had told him through of series of owl sent letters of what he would do. Regulus and he formed a plan. On the night that Severus told Lily, Regulus would come into their room to see if Severus was still there, lying on the floor incapacitated by his broken heart and soul. He smiled happily as he witnessed the two holding each other so lovingly.

"They're coming in this area next, Severus. Be out of here in fifteen minutes," sounded Regulus who left with his cloaks billowing behind him in to the rest of the inn and out the door to help the effort.

Lily looked at him, gaping in bewilderment. "You came here to save me."

"That I did, Lily."

"You risked your life." Her eyes were wide and shimmering with (she would have denied it then) joy. "You risked your life for me."

"What don't you understand about the words 'I love you'? Do you want me to spell it out in rose petals as I shower you with chocolate and puppies?" he said sardonically.

Lily laughed whilst wiping away her tears. "This is surreal."

"Wake up; this isn't a dream or a nightmare. Reality is the best nightmare that could ever be produced."

"We have to leave, Severus."

He nodded. Heading to the kitchen where Lily had thrown his wand, he went to pick it up. As he bent over, he felt Lily fall over from him. The supports of the building were collapsing. Both could smell smoke coming from the first floor. They spent too much time in there. Severus and Lily tumbled to the stove: He shielded her from the impact, making sure that she would land on his torso. His wand was firmly in his hand, but his magic wasn't working for him. The Death Eaters had already set up a charm on the building which suppressed magic. She looked up at Severus, her face asking him what to do. "We're screwed," his eyes told her. She wrapped her arms and legs around him. A low rumble sounded from the belly of the small building. Saffron colored bricks were falling from the sides of the building on the outside, and the chimney had already collapsed, the ashes within it scattering across the black charred ground.

The Death Eater's outside were running, their tongues sticking out and screams of victory reverberating through the ruins of what once was the most beautiful village for kilometers. Dumbledore was nowhere to be found, nor was the Order. Despair rang through the village and onto the hills. Animals were dropping dead kilometers away for they could not bear to sense that dejection permeating just kilometers away from them. The grass which was once green and blew with the wind in a cheerful dance was charred and falling apart. The surrounding forest was veiled in a thick puff of black smoke. Rivers of water turned into rivers of carmine blood. The moon seemed to be falling from the sky, and the beings who were alive felt as if the sun would never rise.

Bellatrix was the one who had done the dead, her black, curly hair whipping wildly with the wind. She cast Fiendfyre, and the entire village was consumed within a second. The Death Eaters that could have ran away; ran like cowardly rabbit.

"I love you," Lily told Severus. She wanted those three words you be her dying ones.

"I love you too."

They kissed as the building fell. The shrapnel dug into their skin, making Lily shriek against his warm, palpable lips, not because of the pain she felt, but because of the horror of watching Severus' body become mutilated and raw. Severus was shielding Lily as best as he could, hoping that if he suffered enough, she would make it out alive. The last support fell and so did their entire room. Severus flipped in mid-air and landed first on the ground first. Lily landed on top of him, her lips still pasted to his. She heard his bones break, and she opened her mouth to shriek, but she could not. His eyes rolled back, and she knew he had stopped breathing. Lily, with every iota of might left within her, moved the locks of liquid ink away from his unblemished, sleeping face. She pressed her lips to his forehead, for she couldn't handle the prospect of feeling his cold lips on hers. She got up, looking at her deceased lover. She couldn't take the pain anymore: She looked away, and then walked away from the wreckage. She would come back later to retrieve him, she promised herself. She couldn't just leave him here. Words could not feasibly describe the tragedy toiling within her emotionally marred person. Lily felt molested and used, but also alone and terrified without him by her side, with his heart still beating and his face in an infinite scowl.

Severus woke in a jolt. Breathing felt like there was fire smoldering in his lungs and larynx. Lily was no longer on his chest. He sighed in relief, knowing that somewhere out in the world she was safe.

He stood up, knowing that his left leg and arm were already broken. He walked into the ever-burning village, not knowing where he was going, but he knew that he would escape its wrath safely.

In his peripheral vision he saw a blonde man on the ground, choking up blood, and his grey eyes on the verge of closing permanently. "Well, Lucius, you've never looked better."

"I could say the same thing to you, my old friend."

Severus laughed maniacally. "How does it feel to be the one dying?"

"I've felt worse things, Severus."

"Said in the words of a true Gryffindor," sneered Severus jovially, though with a look of bitter contempt.

"I've never despised you more." Lucius rolled onto his back, wincing.

"I've never been gladder to hear it."

Lucius' breath was staggering. "I've been happy to serve." The words exhausted his dying breath. Ruffling through the corpse's clothing, Severus extracted the journal, content with the fact that he had not hidden it yet.

There went history, torn to shreds. Draco Malfoy would never be born. What did Severus face to say to that? _'Good riddance'_ he thought, _'good riddance to the days of the spoilt brat with a nasally voice and a snooty attitude. Good riddance to another pain in my arse.' _The other tolerable half of him knew that a casualty of history had taken place, and that it was only because he had come back in time. Looking at this moment, he no longer recognized his life. Picking up whatever shards of his existence he could, he moved on, looking up at the sky. Could he even call himself Severus Snape anymore?

It was dawn, and like Lily had promised, she was gone. The sky was lavender and orange, but it did not radiate happiness like it should have. It succeeded in reminding Severus of all the times Lily and he and watch the sun rise—it was literally innumerable. Some people saw the dawn as a new beginning. Severus saw it as the end—the end of disaster and his pitiful lurching from indecision to worthless decision.

Before walking away from the village he walked into the fire, because it reminded him of Lily's hair. He would later venture to find the perfect emerald to match her eyes, and would even get captured by centaurs. This was the path of his life and he relished it so. In the fire, he felt Lily, and he smiled. Walking out, he was not burned nor marred by its scalding flames. He walked into the fire, like Lily had so wanted him to do.

A/N: I'm not evil. I may be insane and seemingly heartless, but I am not evil. I was tempted to end it at the page break, but I couldn't. I cried through writing this, so I assume it's normal if you cried to. Review? Favorite? Follow? The story will be ending in ten chapters, or less, or more…I don't know yet. We'll see how it pans out!

-E.S. Grey


	38. Chapter XXXVIII

XXXVIII

The wind blew fiercely, kicking up a thick veil of dust on the blood sodden ground of the battlefield. The gusts of wind sounded of fierce fife music, whistling and vexing. Carcasses lay motionless, their eyes open and glazed over by a thin, yellowish film. Carnivorous animals had already emerged from the forest, their eyes filled with bloodlust ready to feast the decomposing human bodies. Vapid wolves with blood crusted paws growled as they fought for one cloaked body, tearing off its silken cloak first, and then prepared for the great feasting.

The black figure that walked amidst the ruins of the once picturesque village was not disgusted. He had seen this far too many times to pay particular attention to it. Despite this, he was keen on getting out of this land, and above all, ready to start a new pursuit—a pursuit were he sought to find his very heart which had seemed to have disappeared amongst the rubble. Eager to get out of the hilly plain, he limped as quickly as he could; keeping an eye on his left leg which was barely able to be dragged behind his right. It convulsed with pain, but he barred his teeth and persevered through every jolt of sickening agony.

On the ground, meters away from him was a small braided band with a doe carving made out of a small, fine piece of wood. He knew what it was, of course, as he had made that very bracelet for Lily so many years ago. He even remembered the exact way he had carved it, lacing a single memory into each and every scrap of dark, ebony wood that was taken off so that a pulchritude doe would be in place of them. Letting his bleeding heart take control of his actions once more, he picked it up with grace and stowed it away for the safest keeping.

Hobbling out of the village, he turned to look at the blistering flames which engulfed the village in a swirling dance of reds and oranges. The smell of charred bodies and rotting flesh made the sensors in Severus' nose burn, and his eyes sting until allergy-caused tears had beaded onto his thick eyelashes of black.

A pain in his chest had suddenly formed when he remembered what exactly had happened not too long ago. He had barred witness to it, yet had he chosen to be an "innocent" bystander. He felt derisively inclined to further loathe himself. Bystanders are not innocent. They in fact are the worst evil doers of the world, for they have enough heartlessness to let everything around them collapse, just so they can be the last one standing in the rubble. Another mistake, another misfortune, and he was running out of room to keep on tallying; a prisoner keeping count of the days he had left.

The center of the village stood only on its thinnest columns of sandstone. The buildings around it, built weaker, had been completely collapsed on the ravaged ground. Stone was upon glass upon wood upon human bodies and excrement. It was blackened and changed; the feeling of dread was still within every square centimeter of the land. Severus could no longer recognize his solace.

Flames, so violent and scalding danced with the sky of a late dawn, orange and lavender, but quickly growing grey with smoke. Scathingly, he bit his tongue. His eyes widened: It couldn't be—not another message of impending doom; no it couldn't be that. The flames had not formed words, he wanted to convince himself. It was impossible! Unthinkable! Ineffable! It was damning to even admit this…this hallucination! Yes, that's what this thing was, just a senility of the wavering mind, nearing what?—40 years of age. Shutting and fluttering open his eyes; the scene had finally beaten his brain into a state of acceptance. "_Morta_" was inscribed on the smoldering land of once was prosperity. "_Morta_" for all things must die, perish and wither into dust and nourishment for the Earth to move on, to move forward.

Dumbledore, with his silvery beard and hair blowing in the wind, who seemingly erupted the flames, was now (what appeared to be) floating to Severus. If Severus had a decisive thought left within him, he would have probably thought himself to be once more in Purgatory. But he was in fact very alive, his heart still beating a mile a minute and rich blood flowing through his veins.

"Come, my boy, the time has from for me to show you a great many things," Dumbledore preached. He took Severus by the arm, and Severus leaning on the old man walked into the forest. Not too far into the destructed, burnt forest, Dumbledore halted, gazing upon a large elm tree with a distinct knot right in the center of its enormous, burnt trunk. The leaves on half the tree were burnt to a crisp, as well as the trunk which was facing the south. Dumbledore circled the tree several times, his brow furrowed in deep concentration. A few grunts and thoughtful "hmm's" had also made way from his throat.

Transfiguring his wand into a great, ornate staff of alder wood, flecked with real bronze and gold, and embellished with vines which wound down its entirety, Dumbledore tapped the ground at the root of the trees. An oblong of land swooped up into the air and floated far above their heads in the greying sky. Floating prisms of crystal formed stairs down the seemingly infinite passage. Curiosity peaked; Severus wondered which mysteries laid in the bowels of its depths.

"I'm inclined to say: So start's our greatest adventure. What do you say, Severus?" Severus simply nodded in wonder to Dumbledore. "Watch your step, we wouldn't want you falling," Dumbledore caringly intoned, in the process succeeding in creating a slew of demotivational, sardonic comments in Severus' speedily filling head. Comments such as _'If I don't trip down these steps, I expect that someone else will die down these very steps in due time—perhaps some bint with a bad back.'_ Sighing, he followed Dumbledore down the winding passage. _'Indeed, our greatest journey begins…But it would be easier if he told me what the journey exactly is.'_

The transparent crystal steps shifted with Severus and Dumbledore's every step, almost as if they were trying to make it easier for Severus to move down to his unknown destination. Floating candles diffusely lit the room, and the shadows of the two men had taken up most of the light. Severus, missing a step rather clumsily had begun to descend down the tunnel-like passage, his hair whipping over his face, so he couldn't see the elaborate obsidian walls, nor see what lay at the bottom on his descent. He couldn't only speculate. Where there orange tasseled pillows there to magically greet him, or as it jagged edges of acid covered stone which would bring him to death's almighty greeting instead?

Just at the last conceivable moment, Severus used the magic left within him to slow his fall to a near halt, and gently float down onto the grey granite, a feather drifting slowly. Dumbledore came rushing, his robes of silver and royal purple billowing in a rushed manner. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Severus get up, perfectly alive.

"You gave me quite the scare. This old heart can't handle things like that, Severus."

"Honestly, Albus, there's no need for anyone to…lay down dirt over my grave just…yet." He annunciated clearly, falling back into his hardened shell, and returning to his acerbic disposition of what once was.

Sirius Black disheveled and with a face of ash, appeared through the misty portal-way which was nearly indiscernible from the rest of the tunnel. Mutely, he took Snape on his shoulder and helped him through the portal way, a pang of sorrow in his chest. Evaporating, Severus felt a rush of bliss surge through his hollow cavity, before appearing in an underground village, a safe haven of sorts.

Words could not convey Severus' elation as he saw the bodies which he thought to be dead, recovering. The casualties lied on straw-like textile of cream in the center of the village. Healers from parts unknown wore white caps on their thick, greying heads. Round faced woman wearing pale bandanas on their heads carried medical supplies and water to the patients, whilst the men, built strongly carried soiled clothing to be washed at a launderette on the eastern corner of the underground haven.

"Eh, Snape, we've got to get you fixed up, an' all. I know it probably hurt, but you better get a move on, we've got someone waiting for you," said Sirius worriedly, his grey eyes clouding as he spoke. There was a clear residue forming on the brim of his eyelids, but Snape himself could not believe it, nor could he imagine it in his wildest dreams that he would procure Sirius to admit such a thing. They were not "friends", but they were the merest of acquaintances, people who knew of each other's existences, and accepted them. How could he feel so strongly for Severus? Severus knew for a fact that in his past life, Severus and Sirius would never have even spoken kind words to each other, much less shed a caring tear for one another. Seeing this now, he was in shock and disbelief, but he was also touched more or less.

The bare truth was that seeing Severus risk so much, not for himself, but for the livelihood of other (though he knew Severus would never admit it), had made Sirius' emotions pour out similarly to when Regulus had been marked. He had heard from Reg that hours ago a tragedy had taken place. Sirius chose not to fathom it. _"Death Eater,"_ he once claimed Snape to be, _"pure-blooded filth, worthless,"_ all of these among the diverse, scathing remarks that had been formed in his mind and said through his thick, now dry lips. What he now saw in Severus was a man who was scarred, both in and out, with emotional scarring that was irreversible, and facial scarring from the result of his heart reaching out to Lily once more…

Lily, Lily, the woman that made every man suddenly care, care to improve, care to show the saint within, care, not because she was someone to worship, but because she was a beacon of hope. Severus, his clothing ripped and tattered, clearly revealing the bloodied masses of flesh on his slightly atrophied muscles, seemed frailer than ever before. His face even more gaunt, his eyes more even infinite and blacker than the storming night sky, had all made Sirius want to collapse into a mass of bathetic flesh and splintered bones. Furthering examining him, he realized that Severus had completely lost his Death Eater's cape, and was wearing a grey button down shirt, which was cut at the breast pocket, and trousers of stable black, unbelievably torn on both legs. Severus' left hand was crushed and bruised, and his left leg bleeding and in an indescribable state. His face, was something else, though his nose remained intact, his eyes were blackened, his lips blistered and bleeding (mostly from the hungry feast of kisses he and Lily had shared), and his forehead and cheeks were covered with tiny, coagulated scratches.

Walking Severus over to a steel table, Sirius told him to stay there until someone came for him. So Severus stayed there, sitting still, and thinking of Lily, and where she had gone. He still grasped the doe bracelet in his hand, hoping that he could soon return it to her. He watched Sirius stumble away, nervously trying to find someone for Severus. Who that someone was, was exactly what was intriguing Severus. Every time that Sirius had said "someone" his words seemed to stumble. Foolhardily, Severus hoped that it was someone that he knew, someone that he could trust which would heal him.

The domestic, slightly primitive villagers were scrambling to help the casualties of stupidity and violence. It was well known in the wizarding world that underground civilizations were rather behind their time. The women in this village were particularly repressed; the women from parts unknown were assigned the job of healing, could not use magic to help the injured. The men would help with the medical effort, but there were not enough hands on deck. The village consisted of white stone cottages surrounding a diminutive village square, and in the precise middle was the village hall, which served as boarding for those who could not fit on the streets of the village. Women were moaning in pain, some were giving birth at this very moment, blood and new bodies crowding the street at a rapid rate. Injured men pretended to be well, to be uninjured and strong, but eventually broke and accepted help. The bandana-headed woman suppressed their emotions long enough to more from one patient to another, yet most failed to do so. There is nothing more human that blood and tears, sweat and tragedy, solace, and then disappointment. This immense effort was affecting everyone, and Severus himself could barely manage to just sit placidly on a steel table, waiting for someone to help him, when he so badly wanted to heal others.

His mind was taken out of the gutter when someone lightly tapped his shoulder. Lily, her eyes blanker than his, if possible, was regarding Severus with silence. She took antiseptics and cleaned off the wounds, then took yellowed bandages and wrapped his leg up as snuggly as she could. Tentatively, she took his left arm, and did the same, but there was one aspect which was different. Her eyes could not be unglued from the black mark on Severus' arm. It was condemning, but entrancing. Lily now focused on the wounds on his chest, scratches and bruises that had come from her own hands and the impact of her body against his as they had crashed to the ground, the inn having toppled over them. The gentlest of touches were saved for the fixing of this area. She unbuttoned his shirt and threw it on the ground, a small house elf with heliotrope colored eyes picket it up and stumbled away into unknown territories. Lily spread her hands across his chest, and then explored him, her emerald eyes speaking to his, an implied language that neither could understand, but at the same time both could completely fathom it. When he winced as her supple hands passed over his scars, she stopped, a look of concern passing over her lightly scratched face. Once more she bandaged him up. Nodding at him, Lily turned to leave, motioning for him to sit at the table until Sirius came to take him.

Instead of doing as Lily had wanted him to, Severus hopped off the table and grabbed her, neither emitting a single word. He lowered himself to his knees, inhaling deeply as he tied the doe ankle-bracelet to her ankle. He stood up, watching her stand complacently. She turned quickly, fidgeting along the way, her arms wrapping around him in a welcoming hug. A whimper came from her lips, but did not evolve into a sob. Her body was radiating the words _"thank you"_. Letting go of him, Lily stood in front of him, looking him up and down. It was excruciating to see him so injured and only because of her, for her.

Lily's white nightgown was ripped to shreds on its lower half, and her calves were scratched, just as the rest of her was. The lace of her nightgown was hanging off of the initial fabric, and was covered with blackened mud. Her lips were just as bruised as Severus, caking with blood and still yearning to feel him upon them, even if it was just one more time, but she restrained her yearning. Her hair was tangled and oily, unmanageable and reminiscent of Hermione Granger's wild mane. Her cheeks were void of color, and she seemed to have aged beyond her years, though she still appeared inanely beautiful.

Dumbledore clasped his long-fingered, veiny hand upon Severus bony shoulder. "I do hate it when couples are separated during a time of war, Severus. Don't you think she has the right to know, hmm?" The codger's eyes were insipidly twinkling with romanticism. Severus stabbed the man with silence, in hopes that he would just let it go, and that Lily would let her memory waver, just this one time. But being Severus, luck was never with him. In a voice just below a whisper, "You see Lily, Severus works for me, and me alone. He is invaluable to the Order. Whatever tension is between you two should be dropped, for you are both fighting for the same thing." Dumbledore adjusted his spectacles and nodded, before turning, and with a profound display of magic, healing those who were injured with a gaily wondrous ornamentation.

Lily stood dumbfounded, her mouth gaping like a fish imprudently trying to filter oxygen through dry air. At a stopper in her decisive process, Lily couldn't come up on conclusive thought. Would she slap him, hug him, kiss him, love him, loathe him, and show him spite for never telling her, never trusting her enough for this kind of information? She felt betrayed, even more so than when she had seen the mark on his arm. He was a double agent for Dumbledore himself. So much emotion was boiling over in her that she became as occluded as Severus, so hollowed by the stirring of vapid, wretched poultices within her. Lost in the vast calamity of this unfathomable ordeal, she fled, much like a coward, away from all that she could, all which was tearing her life away piece by piece. Insanely, she covered her face, before coming upon the absence of thought and apparating to whatever hell she could find, because she knew it would be better than just being here, in turmoil. Deserting Severus, she left him to look at the stop where her feet had just stood.

Sirius had come to retrieve Snape, only to find an irreversibly broken man on his knees, a husk of life, and his hands at his sides. Blackness took over, from the ceiling to the ground, from East to West, and North to South, from diagonal to diagonal, encircling everything, until there was an absolute nothing, a vacuum. If Severus' heart had stopped beating, he wouldn't have known it, nor cared in that moment.

* * *

Lily had apparated to the one place she could find comfort: A yellow kitchenette, small, but always smelling of something roasting in the oven. She sat at her kitchen table, her hands on the oak surface, tapping it lightly. Lily's mother screamed when she saw her daughter, defaced and taken away from her. Violeta Evans could truly admit that her daughter was no longer a girl with a pink bow in her hair and a massive lollipop in her hand. Lily was a woman who had seen life, breathed it and spit it back out ferociously. She dropped the ratty dishrag that was in her hand, and enveloped her daughter in a hug. Lily was ridged, and Mrs. Evans' heart had broken upon feeling her callousness.

"I loved him. He loved me. I slept with him. He made love to me, and I to him. We whispered words to each other in the night, and made each other feel like angels and gods. I kissed him, and when he kissed me, we fell into another dimension. But here I am, back in your arms, like the hour after birth, still so new to life. He betrayed me, and I betrayed him, by leaving him to shatter even worse than I." But Lily never spit those words out. They were held on her tongue, and replaced by the straining pulsations of her heart.

Severus and Lily, though on two sides of the spectrum, were split in half. They felt annihilated and unrestorable. That night, once upon a midnight dreary, when ravens rapped upon chamber doors, and men were out hearing laments of lost love, reading lore long forgotten, Severus and Lily were in their beds, haunted by one another's ghosts of what had been, and what could have been, but never what was. The end of their final year of Hogwarts was nearing, but it wasn't the only end that was coming. What that end was, neither could face it, but it was most certainly not an end to their odyssey for love, for that was written in stone.

* * *

A/N: And the plot thickens. This was one of my favorite chapters to write! I hope that you enjoyed it, and will continue to read. At this point, it can really go anywhere. Sorry for the late update. I could not get a hold of my laptop in time.

Best Wishes,

E.S. Grey


	39. Chapter XXXIX

XXXIX

Fawkes, perched on her thin, golden rod, lay napping, exhaling a note with each melodic breath. Her young plumage was Gryffindor fluff, extravagant and befitting for such a bird as she. Severus resisted the urge to touch Fawkes. Upon hearing him pace round the room, his face pensive and his hands tucked behind his back, she awoke, blinking at him the way all animals do when they see a human. Tears were in her eyes; twinkling with specks of gold. The tears gathered into the ashes beneath her and were absorbed by its powdery greyness. The bird flew over to Severus, latched onto his shoulder, and for a brief second nuzzled Severus' cheek before soaring away to its perch. He nodded to the bird, which fell asleep quickly, as if this had only been a psychological premonition.

Dumbledore's office was uncharacteristically empty that school-day morn. Though the noon sun was shining brightly through the nickel-paned windows, it was an unbearably dreary day for Severus. He paced around the room, his hands behind his back and stomped on the wooden parquet several times, before giving up his endeavor to calm his thoughts. He leaned his head against a bookcase, shutting his eyes just as Dumbledore's old legs walked him up the marble staircase. Severus could nearly hear the man's bones creaking. Lifting his head off of the bookcase, he faced Dumbledore, dreary eyed and sodden with remnants of his woe.

"The diary," Severus began wistfully, "the third Horcrux; more may be coming." He looked down to his veneered black, dragonhide shoes, "As for now, we have no evidence, so my pursuit is on hiatus. Now, if you excuse me I would like to return to my studies."

Dumbledore, watery eyed, choked out a consolement. "I really am greatly sorry for what happened between you and Lily. Perhaps, one day, when the war is—"

"Over?" Severus chuckled with cynical amusement. "When the war is over, one can only hope that they will make it out alive. What was between her and I, never was meant to be in the first place. It is only a twist of time, this lovelorn lore. It was a fantasy, a childish, enigmatic dream." With that despairing note, Severus left the Headmaster and his aching heart. But before Severus ever reached the door, Dumbledore flicked his beautifully carved wand at Severus, stopping him mid-step.

"How could you speak so callously about someone who you love? You are a good person Severus, someone who can love and someone who deserves it— perhaps more than the rest of us." inquired Dumbledore.

"You know nothing. I came back to this time on impulse—you manipulative cretin." Severus turned, his hands clenched and a vein was thickly bulging out of his forehead. His once pale skin turned crimson with rage. His persona became distorted with turbulent fury. "I came to save the world, to die like I did before (for all things must die, but I a most painful death) and to pursue a ridiculous fantasy, which, might I say, is doing absolutely no good for anyone. If you're going to pull a few strings, make me dance with the devil, so be it. But no one, not even you, has the right to claim that there is any good in me. The one thing The Dark Lord was right about is that I am rotten from the core to the tip of my longest toe." Severus nearly broke a pale pink vase as he stormed out of the room, his cloak billowing behind him, covering the fact that he his entire body was trembling with disgust.

"That is precisely the reason why the ability to change was born." But it went unheard by Severus, who was far past the gargoyle. Dumbledore sat down at his desk, writing on a scroll of parchment tentatively; all the while the thoughts of Severus did not go ignored in his head. There were tears dripping down the old man's pale, sun spotted cheeks. A gut wrenching tempest made home in his stomach, causing him to break away from his composure. He lost the will to write, and went to his bookcase—searching.

* * *

Lily was in the Head Girl's bathroom—alone—floating in a sea of bubble's which covered every part of her body, but her head. The bubbles were tinted purple, and shone brightly against the light overhead. It was the type of light where anyone could stand stark naked in it, look at themselves in a large mirror and find themselves to look magnificent, regardless of their previous belief. The water was pleasantly heated to the perfect degree, and she found herself slowly letting her struggles float into the bubbles, away from her. But only a limited amount of pressure could seep out of her skin and into the lavender scented suds. Her internal organs now seemed to be made of solidified misery, and liquid melancholy yearning.

There was a marble statue of a cupid holding a bow and arrow, its head looking up at the ribbed vault ceiling and its hands placed in front of its heart. Stone birds were suspended around the crown of its curly-haired head, twittering magically bounded arias. The arched window was made of stained glass, simply in shades of grey, and depicting a scene of storm clouds on a horizon.

She used to think of Severus while she floated in a sea of aroma and effervesce, fantasize in a cascade of feverent, blushing states between ecstasy and wordlessness, completely lacking in altruism. But she had—long since the event over Easter break—stopped passing her time in such a fashion. She wouldn't let herself succumb to him, to his burly allure, taunting her, ravaging her, tantalizing her, tempting—no!—no such things—what absurdity!—what blasphemy! His hands over her, caressing her in ways that neither person, nor being could replicate—she would not reminisce of such occurrences. She was a changed woman, a sturdy woman, a single woman, a lonely, a tortured female. But she did not want to accept it [her sheer need for him]; it would in no way be allowed.

Severus was an Incubus, ensnaring her, claiming her in her sleep, and abandoning her in a broken mist by the next morn. When dawn cracked, so did her heart, emptier than ever before. For once, Lily felt like she wanted to be a corpse, void of the ability to feel; the ability to possess life and its tragedies. She respired deeply; more than anything she wanted a moment to be able to relax, for her every sinew to merely release its tension. Her fingers which were curled into a fist unfurled finger by finger, releasing the pressure into the sudsy water. She wiggled her toes, let out a scream, which resonated through the enormous bathing room; in the process she found serenity. But her solace was Severus, his hands sliding down the appropriate places, his eyes glazed over as he devoured her beauty with his eyes. She was back in her prison cell: thinking about Severus—shackled to a wall, being tortured with wanton visions of him, his tongue doing unspeakable things to the skin of her neck and the lobe of her ear.

Floating in the bubbly water, she endeavored to sink, but her buoyant body would not let her. "Why!" she expounded, standing up in the voluminous tub, the water covering her entire body up to her chin.

The Cupid statue's cracked head turned to Lily. "Because you love him," it answered, so sure of the fact that it almost seemed pompous.

"That's absurd," she yelled back at the statue in insolent fury.

"And love is said to be insane, so go on, prance off to your greatest desire, but most importantly let yourself rot with love." The statue's head turned, and it spoke no more.

"If it was only that simple." Lily wrapped herself in a fluffy, black towel and strode into her bedroom, wondering if she would ever feel whole again. Yet she knew, blatantly, that the single answer was 'only with him'.

When she collapsed onto her bed, she sighed Severus' name, _"I miss you"_. She climbed underneath the covers limply, soaking the laurel bed sheets through her towel. A mahogany picture frame encased as picture of her and Severus, black and white; they were spinning around in wild circles in the middle of a snow storm. This was long ago, years behind them when they were still new to Hogwarts. She curled into the fetal position, staying like that for hours, holding back the tears that never came.

* * *

Sirius tiptoed around the corner. A large part of him felt as if he were being watched. He knew that he shouldn't have been stalking around the castle in the middle of an exhausted night, with teachers left with their last string of patience for him just doors away from where he was standing. After Easter break, most of the students came with a smile on their faces, looking refreshed and crisper than a cucumber, but there were a…select few who looked worse than ever before. Lily and Severus were among these two people, and Sirius couldn't stand knowing that those two, who had shared such happiness with each other and evoked a light within each other's souls that he had never witnessed before, were separated. He had to convince Lily to consider taking Snape back. He knew that it would only be a waste of time to converse with Snape over such a thing—Snape would only scoff, before saying what a tragedy life is.

That night Sirius was wearing Gryffindor tartan pajamas, and rather fluffy socks made of puffskein fur. He had found it hard to sleep, so rather rashly he pulled his robe over his pajamas and strode out of the room. That was how he had ended up on the slippery floored corridor, shivering from the cold and debating over if he should knock on the door or not. As his hand leveled with the carved door, it began to crack open.

"Severus?" asked Lily in a low voice filled with seething hope.

"No, it's Sirius. But this has to do with him."

Lily grabbed his arm and pulled him into her room hastily.

"What's wrong with him?" Lily's teeth were clenched fiercely as she held Sirius in a death grip. Her emerald eyes were a gale, growing begrudgingly more unstable with each passing moment. "What's wrong with him god damn-it?! Tell me Sirius, I can't take this anymore."

She used Sirius' shoulder as she once used Severus'. He was not as comforting, nor as calming. But she held onto him, because he was the life preserver thrown at her. She was sinking quickly in her ocean of regret, but Sirius made sure that she had gasps of air to take. "Please, Siri, I need you to tell me why you're actually here. Just don't mention him anymore, I'm begging you." Yet no matter how much she verbally implored, her bodily signs were a red, hot signal that what she needed more than anything was Severus at this moment.

Sirius' legs gave out. Tumbling to the floor, his back landed against the spring wall, and Lily landed against his strong, muscular torso. "Quiet down. I'm here to make sure you that neither of you kill yourselves." He held her tighter, wondering—why was it that so many men turned putty in her presence? He was a sentimental fool, lingering far too long ago in the past when he wondered why James had fallen so head over heels for the girl. Overly maudlin, he let his hands—the worst vices of all—traipse into her knotted hair. Though unmanageable, he didn't mind for it was the softest carmine silk of all.

She tilted her face to him. She looked like most normal crying women; swollen both physically and emotionally, blotchy and fragile—so breakable that he nearly thought if he were to hold her for another instance, she would surely explode into shards on the hardwood floor.

"Lily," he cooed. It reminded her of the way Severus had uttered her name in his resonant, molten voice. Unexpectedly, his soft grey eyes turned into Severus' emotional tunnels of black, his attractive face turned angular and unorthodoxly alluring; before she could blink, the man holding her was no longer Sirius Black: Severus Snape was cradling her like a new born babe. Severus Snape was here, holding her up and insuring that she would not suffer another moment of pure languishing. She heard his voice in her head, whispering the words she could never forget, _"I love you. I've changed. I'm sorry. I will never leave you. I will be here. Always."_

He had abandoned her, double crossed her more times than she could count, but most importantly, he left her with a heart still beating in the palm of his hand. Oh, but he was back now, she staring at him like a doe in headlights, and he back at her in the same manner. If she had waited another millisecond, she would have burst open: She wrapped her arms around him possessively, and with her entirety, forced her ardor into him like a tributary river into the largest ocean. Nothing had felt more imperfect. He was not kissing her back, nor were they tearing at each other like estranged beasts that had finally come together again. He pulled away, dumbfounded.

Her apparition morphed again—back into Sirius who was looking blank eyed at her. She covered her mouth, whining into it, rolling her head back; not in disgust, but in regret. "I thought you were Severus for a moment," she wheezed out, barely able to hold the pieces of her confounded body together.

"I need to be rescued," Lily said out of the blue, letting her tongue finally…slip.

"But not by me, Lily." Sirius, ruffled and baffled got up and abruptly exited her room. The door shut with a soft 'bang', and once more her senses became empty and frosted over. Overtaken, she stood up, teetering and staggering. She did not know whether or not she ended up on her bed, but she knew she was greeted by something soft and plush, which deeply reminded her of how lonely the spot next to her was.

"Then who will save me?" she prosed to no one. Severus was off God knows where; she was here, somewhere so familiar, but also so different, because he was not there next to her.

* * *

In the stark of the evening, just as the sun had begun to set, the world had begun to seem backwards and unruly. The sky was still a bright periwinkle, and grey stratus clouds spread across it in a deject fashion. Meadow birds chirped in shrill disarray. Most would say that it was a serene evening, but Lily knew far better than to say that. Out there—somewhere in the vast darkness of the world—was evil being born out of the very womb of hell, spat out through the jaws of demonic life and plotting (at that very moment) of how to murder, to obliterate, to alter. She was ready to hurl vomit at the grass beneath her feet. She had been sick for over a week—sick to her stomach over something the feared more than death; more than living a half-life. That entity—that enigma—that was the very life growing within her, developing and congealing with her core, proof of the love that two people once shared; the proof of the love that two people still share, but denied to acknowledge.

If digits alone could count the days that had passed, humans would have to grow extra limbs. A month in full, plus nine days more had come and gone. _"Do you see a coffin there? In it lies my innocence. But more than that—in it lies my soul. A month had gone, and with it what used to be me—him—us." _

Fingers of alabaster lightly danced on her shoulder, tapping in a rhythm of six eight. It was an arousing pitter-patter against her once cold shoulder. She heated thoroughly and pleasantly; bolts of electricity-like fire burst through the skin of her shoulder and into the very marrow of her bones. Only one man could evoke such a euphoric feeling. There was only one name that came to mind; three syllables, hissing with soothing s's.

_"Severus…" _ Her eyes were shut tightly; she was almost cohered to believing that this was only some sick dream her brain had conjured. "Severus."

He tugged her up, her arms recoiling not nearly fast enough. His eyes were blacker than the darkest tunnel. In them was a fierce force waiting to pounce. His jaw was clenched, and a storm was brewing on his face. He, with his angled brow, enticed her into a trance-like state. She looked him up and down, from long—no—short, neatly cut hair, to the tip of his dragonhide boots. _"Severus." _Severus appeared dryer than a desert in a century's drought. Not a single sign signaled how deformed his heart had become—how hollow and acerbic he had chosen to make himself. A new shell harbored his old soul.

Their eyes met, the weight of three million tears shed between them. Was the world collapsing beneath their very feet, or were they floating their way to the heaven above? The songs of sweet love echoed in ears. _Or was it a cautionary melody of impending doom? _Both of their hearts were pounding like the first strikes on a battle drum. Their bleeding hearts could barely take the thickness of the tragically poignant air between them. The air was constricting them, killing them slowly. Every breath burned.

"I feel like I'm dying," uttered Lily in a breathy voice coated with maudlin emotion.

"Then let me die with you," answered Severus, his own voice cracking with the same emotion as Lily's. The two beat as one, and fell as one.

Their knees gave out too slowly. When one collapsed, the other already felt like they were slipping suddenly. They descended, ebony veils had begun to shroud them. Their bodies grew cold and still, rigid and unrecognizable. In mid-spring, the flourishing time of life and warmth, flakes of snow had begun to fall around them. Crystals of perfect white drew beneath them to catch their bodies as they crashed. But they never went backwards, nor sideways.

Severus and Lily united—a kiss to seal the wounds inflicted on one another.

* * *

A/N: A nice cliff hanger for you all. I hope that you tune in next week for the next chapter. Oh great, I sound like a terrible T.V. show now.

Anyway: Review, Follow, Favorite!

-E.S. Grey


	40. Author's Note II

I have recently come to a time of extreme hardship. I am looking for a job, taking care of my family, and am up to my neck in troubles. Please, bear with me. I will be updating as I can. Hopefully, next week I can put up chapter 40. When I started this story, I never thought that life would decide to become life so abruptly.

My sincerest of apologies,

E.S. Grey


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